KarenK

Joyce, Your expression of love is beautiful. Peace to you today and always, my friend.

I am so sorry to hear about your grandson, Marg and your son, Gin. Most of us are not responsible for the actions of our children and grandchildren. Knowing that however, does not lessen the heartbreak we feel for them or the frustrations of the fact that we can't fix them. When my son was growing up, he fell in with those who used drugs despite all the PTA meetings, Cub Scout meetings, or Little League games we attended. I used to wonder why he chose to hang out with "people like that". One day, I came to the conclusion that he WAS "people like that". We used to be the "homeless shelter" for many of his friends who had been left by their parents to fend for themselves. Kids felt safe here, so safe in fact that I found an MJ plant growing in a pot on top of my shed. That ended that relationship. I was so blind to what was going on around me, the missing jewelry, the lunch money used instead to buy drugs, etc. It took me a while to become educated as it did my son. He gave up drugs long ago while he still could. Many of his friends were not so lucky and lie in the ground. So many of us are filled with so much heartbreak. Will it never end? i guess so, upon our death.

I have a lot of photo albums starting with a few pictures from when I was 6 months old. Now, that was a long time ago. lol I have skimmed through them. The hurt begins with the ones of my daughter as a baby. Many parents can remember every skinned knee that happened. I cannot. Over many stressful years, my brain has shut out bad memories while shutting out the good ones also. The photos are hard to look at, but also are my window to the past. Ron and I took a lot of pictures on our travels around the country, mostly scenery so I have few photos of him. I cherish the ones of the smiling, happy young man I married so long ago. I have one photo in a frame that was taken three months before he died. It is simply not him as death is already sitting on his shoulders. I never went digital with photos, but have a few on my computer that my daughter sent of her horses, my granddaughter's wedding, her first view of the Atlantic, etc. They are priceless. Although she had cancer, she still had HOPE and was smiling. The final one is a CD made at her funeral depicting her life in pictures from beginning to end. I have watched it once. It is packed in plastic with the horse t-shirt I got her for her last birthday, the one she never got to wear. I do not need to watch it again. I lived it.

Kay, I think Polly mentioned before that she and Rich enjoyed going to monster truck shows. Maybe she just left a word out of the sentence.

Gin, I am doing okay, just very tired all the time. Don't rest well worrying about anything and everything. Tests were fine as I knew they would be. Have they figured out your breathing troubles yet? I haven't been to a fireworks display in many years. It's just so blasted hot here and not really enjoyable. I sometimes step out into the driveway and can see a few of them high in the sky. There are about 30 of them around here. You are right, Stephen. I think we sometimes forget those who paid the price for our freedom.

Not sure I will ever adjust to living alone after having Ron by my side for 40+ years. Still longing for those calls from my daughter which will never come again. Going to Walmart later for dog food and a few groceries. My son is working, so will share a steak with my grandson if he wishes. Yesterday was a bad day for him. He was in his funk of wanting to die. I never know what sets him off as he won't talk to me. We had actually been spending a little time together watching Stargate DVD's for several evenings, then BAM. I know it's not my fault but makes it very uncomfortable around here. Even the dog wants to hide.

Butch, Praying for you and your family.

Marg, Childhood memories like this are the best. Back when all we had to worry about was what we were going to do for our next adventure. Not worrying about where the next meal was coming from or what bill we had to pay. It's been so long , but I faintly remember living in a tiny Texas town at about age seven with all my aunts and uncles nearby. We had times like that on Sundays after church. I have a cousin one year older. We were two peas in a pod, called ourselves "Sloop and Slop". Have no idea where we came up with those names. I would love to have that family around me again. Unfortunately, they are all gone as yours are. The cousin and I no longer speak.

Marg, I'm glad you are safe and sound in your new home. And yes, you are sound.

Laura, For several years after my father died, I would dream that he had come back, if only for a visit. We never discussed the fact that he was dead. After a while, he would merely say "You know I can't stay" and he would leave. The dreams were comforting in a way. My dreams of Ron are stressful, but then my marriage was stressful at times. My dreams of my mother are filled with guilt as I couldn't make it to the care home before she died. She was gone 10 minutes after I was called. My dreams of my daughter are foggy, but with her faith, she surely is in a safe place.

Running! I remember those days with my son, lol. That's when the REAL fun begins, Grampy.

Marg, Just my opinion, but it might be best to have a realtor involved in the sale of your house. I sold my cabin back in 2014 using a realtor. Lots of forms to sign, inspections to be done, etc. Way too complicated and stressful on top of everything else. Well worth the small commission I paid.

Oh Butch, There is no normal for any of us right now. Sometimes just keeping a complete sentence together is hard. You have experienced loss after loss, even more so than I have, and then there's your heart health. Don't give a tiny memory lapse another thought. As Kay said, losing another person on the heels of the first(grief wise) is so hard because of the memories of the first. On the day I buried Ron, Debbie ran crying from the grave saying "Mama, Mama, soon that will be me!" Fourteen months later it was. That one is burned into my brain forever. My heart hurts also.

Laura, Your words brought both tears and a smile to my heart. Your dad sounds like a fine man and a pillar of strength, a lot like mine except for the fishing. My dad was not an outdoorsman, but I did learn all the outdoor stuff from Ron years later. It sounds silly, but when I was in labor with my daughter at age 17, it was my dad's hand I wanted to squeeze, not my ex-husband's. He is a very nice fellow, but never my "rock" as my dad had been. Ron took over that place when my dad died in '77. In my long life I have lost my husband, my daughter, both parents, all my aunts and uncles, and both in-laws. Each of those losses were hard. Each of them were different and evoked different types of grief. No one has the right to define YOUR grief. It is yours alone. The only hurtful thing said to me came from my BIL that I don't care for anyway. It cut me to the core when he stated that he never liked Ron. I take into account that he is mentally ill, but I also know that he is "dumb like a fox" and is a huge user of others. Ron spent years taking care of his needs and providing love and support for his brother. Thank heavens he will never know his brother's true feelings.

My heart hurts for you, Butch. When Debbie died, I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by my SIL and her children and friends. I wanted so badly for Ron to be there to comfort me. Sadly, I had buried him 14 months before. I still feel that same hole that only one person can fill even after 3+ years.

Terri, Here in Phoenix, it is relatively cool for a summer day. Only 105 right now. Last week, we had a day of 117. Now, that is HOT. Most people learn when to stay inside, but we have several heat related deaths each year. Tourists do not understand this heat and insist on hiking our small hills or bike riding with very little water. I have lived here for 60 years and know what to expect.

Brad, Hoping you have arrived home safely and that the flames and smoke from the Cedar fire is not coming your way. I think it appears to be moving south.

Gwen, The "waiting" sure hits home. I have mentioned before that I feel like my life is stuck in the "pending" mode. Maybe what we are waiting for is for our lives to have peace and meaning again.

I firmly believe that there are things out there beyond our realm of understanding. I had a very unexpected call today from the "boy" who lived next door to me when I bought this house back in 1968. He and my Debbie were four years old then and grew up together. Time passed, the kids grew up and they moved away. His father became very successful and they were neighbors to Kevin Costner for a while. He went into law enforcement in So. California where he and his family still reside. His parents live in a small town about 80 miles north of me. Needles to say, I have not spoken to him or his parents in many, many years. They are a very religious family. He said for some unknown reason, I had been on his heart for several months, so he contacted another mutual friend for my number. He was completely unaware that I had lost Ron and Debbie, just felt that something was wrong here. He also told me that he had lost his wife three years ago to cancer, but that love has now found it's way into his heart once again. I am happy for him and so glad that he reached out to me. This is not something either of us can explain, it just simply IS.

Growing up, I was only allowed to have birds and fish. BORING(for me anyway). As an adult, we had several dogs and cats. I love both, but am more of a "dog" person. Just never felt close to the cats. Cats are mystical and answer to no one. Our last cat hated dogs, except our old black lab, his best friend. I vowed after he went to "cat Heaven" that I would get a big dog and I did. I can not imagine otherwise. To me, she is not a responsibility, but a family member. That's just my preference, of course. I don't think I've ever associated cats with a person with emotional problems, just someone who loves animals, but you are probably right about that, Terri.

Marg, we are alike. I am good at "jerry rigging" things. As long as I have my WD-40, duct tape(comes in nifty colors now), Super Glue, and half a brain, I can usually fix things adequately. I really am not mechanically inclined though and don't have much strength anymore. Ron could do anythng and I've picked up a little knowledge over the years. I don't know how many times he lost patience with me because I couldn't grasp a concept. Am thinking this new leak just needs a washer replaced, but don't EVEN ask me to work on a car past filling the gas tank or windshield washer.

Char, My heart goes out to you. I sometimes complain about the little repairs that i have here, but farming is so very much harder. I can not imagine having to do this on your own. I tried to help my SIL on their farm because my daughter could no longer do it, just simple things and I was breathless. Are there neighbors nearby to help with the cutting and baling or repairs? My SIL had neighbors who pitched in, no questions asked. Yes, you are right. It is so not fair.

It's 10 Pm and I just came in from watering the yard. It's 103 down from 115. I wonder if Trump thought he had gone to hell when he stepped off the plane today. I try to water every other night, but am probably just watering the dirt. lol I have never had reason to go to Mayo. The majority of Ron's care was with Banner health Systems in various hospitals in Phoenix Metro. I'm close to Scottsdale Osborn and as you say Steve, the food is not bad, but the care leaves a ton to be desired. My son was born there, my father died there, and it is the hospital that hastened Ron's death. I only use it for dire emergencies. Brad, I hope things are much better for you today and you will be on your way home soon. Like Steve, I'm close if you need anything. I long for the good ol' days when things were simple to fix. The parts inside my toilet tank were worn out and the toilet was constantly running. It was the arm that raised the float. The toilet is probably 25 years old. I thought "No Problem". Shut the valve off, replace that one big piece and be done with it. WRONG. My son came over for an early Father's Day dinner and to replace the part. You now have to completely remove the tank, take all the parts out and replace them. That's what you get when you live in a very old house. Toilet is fine now, but the connector from the toilet to the wall valve is now leaking. Wasn't before, is now. Good thing I have a lot of scrap towels to soak op the leak. Fixing that will be a Tuesday job. GRRR!

Kay, Will be thinking of you tomorrow as you pass through this day of bad memories. There are so many days each of us would like to erase

I would love to contribute, but am not artistic at all. Perhaps I can contribute myself if you need an extra pair of hands.