KarenK

Marg, Just read on the news that La. is under a "state of emergency" due to heavy rain and flooding. Hope you are safe and dry. Nothing wrong with venting your anger. If left inside, it will eat you up.

Marg, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it has been a long, tough road for both of you.

Terri, It's always something, isn't it. My dryer is 46 years old and still working, "knock on wood". I have replaced the washer 2 times during those years. For me, it's the year old $300 mower I bought. My son came to mow the yard and it won't start. I did not buy the extra warranty for financial reasons. We're thinking the fuel line is clogged? so he'll check that. Fortunately, my old mower still runs well enough to mow my scant grass. I found a card from code enforcement on my gate regarding my yard fiasco so I called her. It's as if they are hovering to make sure I comply. I told her that I weedeated the grass growing in the sidewalk and that the yard with little grass was being mowed as we spoke. She said to keep watering it, DUH! She would check back in 2 weeks. NEWS FLASH! THE GRASS ISN'T GOING TO GROW IN THIS HEAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WATER. And that weedeating the sidewalk was not enough, that I needed to dig the grass out. MY SON CAME UNGLUED! He called her back and said we would water until the grass was 6 feet high, but were not going to dig the grass out of the sidewalk joists. That should be the problem of those that created the sidewalk. I'm not sure why I'm on their radar, but fight them every year over this. Seriously thought about pouring gasoline on it and burning it out, but need a burn permit. I SO HATE LIVING HERE! Can you tell I'm upset? I don't need this hassle. Hope your dryer is a quick fix.

I am thinking that "community services" with the city may have referrals for yard work or home repairs. There may also be some teens looking for summer work. For the most part, I can still take care of my yard. I have a new weedeater and mower I bought last year. Am trying to get my yard in order before the 10th which is the deadline for the stupid citation I got from the city. My grandson was all set to mow this morning and it poured. It has been raining intermittenly for about a week, so have been doing it in between. It irks me to have to weedeat the sidewalk, but it is what it is. I no longer wonder "Now What", because for me there is nothing. I am not living, simply existing.

Yeah Terri, just thought you were referring to us oldsters. lol Here is a funny for all of us. At least I thought it was funny. Ron was at the casino one time sitting next to an "older" woman. Another man was sitting on her other side. She was having a terrible "gas" problem. Finally the man stood up, said to her "Lady, you have finally smoked me out" and went on his way.

And that Terri, is precisely why I prefer dogs to most people. They are loyal, dependable, and ask for little in return. I am sorry that your "tribe" bailed on you. This "tribe" will not. I had also mentioned the former neighbors' son who called out of the blue to offer his condolences. He said his parents, who live in a small town near here would get in touch with me. That was weeks ago. No call, no letter, nothing. We had been close neighbors for years. She had babysat my son while I worked. Now I have become chopped liver, I guess. I never hold my breath for long.

Patty, "SCREAM AWAY". We will hear you and join in. You are truly so much stronger than you think with all that is on your plate. I couldn't even face the grocery store alone for months, much less attempt to run a business. Today is a tough day. Two years ago today, I lost my beautiful daughter. "POOF", she was gone. In my heart, she is still sitting on her front porch watching her horses as they cavort in the field. I went to the doctor yesterday. For 2 weeks, I have been suffering with a constant burning in my mouth, tongue, and throat. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? There is actually a malady called "Burning Mouth Syndrome" and even crazier, my doctor is familiar with it. It is hard to diagnose as there are no visual signs, but the pain and discomfort are real. Choose your cause. There are a multitude of them(including stress). There is no treatment or cure and it lasts as long as it wants. I have tried salt water rinses, mouthwash with slight pain killer and Chloraseptic lozenges, all with no relief, so have been taking Tramadol and drinking cold water which helps some. Doctor suggested taking Nexium for acid reflux(which I don't have), so will give it a try. I told him that I only come to see him for the weird $hit just to keep him from getting bored. He said Medicare really wants me to have a physical including Mammogram, Bone Density and a multitude of tests. I politely declined. I don't want to know if there is anything else wrong with me. Why "fix it if it ain't broke"? Trudging forward................

Not sure where to post this or sure I should post it at all. Last night, I was truly frightened, probably for the first time in the 48 years that I have lived in this old house. I have mentioned before that strange things happen here like glasses flying off the counter and collectibles off shelves with no one around and apparitions or shadows that suddenly disappear or things that my cat and dog sense. My grandson is at his dad's so it's just me and Marley. We were in the family room watching TV when she suddenly sat up with her ears at alert and just stared into the kitchen. She didn't bark, just sat there staring and alternately looking at me. I got up and went into the kitchen to reassure her that no one was there. Started to look out the blind on the door and this huge looming shadow appeared over me projecting onto the blind and wall in front of me. My heart STOPPED and then it was gone. Marley never moved and she usually follows me from room to room. I managed to reach in the cupboard for a flashlight and went room to room. Of course, there was no one there. I was truly afraid to go to bed until daylight. Whatever lives here with me has never hurt or really frightened me before, but this time was different. It almost felt malicious. I know this sounds crazy and if it's someone trying to contact me, this is NOT the way to go about it. Okay, craziness over. Make of it what you will.

Marg, I am so sorry. I have been where you are. There is no way to shut out the memories, just no way. In time, I hope those memories will abate and only the good ones remain. We are stronger than we think.

Gin, I am late, but hope your birthday was pleasant. I know that we have not reached "happy" yet, but maybe someday................ Marg, I'm sure Billy loved his balloons. Hope all was well with Kelli.

Maryann, I'm so sorry that you are having a lousy day. I too, become overwhelmed with the harsh reality of carrying all the burdens alone. Thinking how nice it would be to throw them all down and run away. It would not work because wherever you run to, there you are. If your knees buckle, we will hold you up. Karen

Very early this morning, I watched a movie called "Songcatcher", the story of a city bred music teacher who visits her sister, also a teacher in rural Appalachia. She soon discovers the Scottish-English ballads that are a trademark of these mountain people. I am somewhat familiar with these songs as Ron was born and bred in the back hills of West Virginia. The first time he took me "home", I was appalled at the living conditions. Within this strange(to me) environment were many people sitting on their rickety porches playing and singing this music. These people are not poor. They are rich in their love, honor, and respect for their families and traditions. The movie brought back so many memories of happier times and "fun" moments. Surprisingly, not one sad moment. It made me proud of the man I married and all that he had accomplished in life despite adverse conditions.

Marg, You are a woman after my own heart. LOL I live in t-shirts and these kind of pants unless I am "dressing up" in my boots and jeans to leave the house. Among mine are a pair with "Scotty" dogs and one with little monkeys. Thank you JC Penneys and Goodwill. See, you are starting to settle in!

Gin, Your ice cream story reminded me of the time, I came home from the grocery store after buying meat on sale. I carried it into the utility room intending to put it in my big freezer. I set it on top of the washer so I could open the freezer and evidently "that's all she wrote". Must have gotten sidetracked as it was still sitting on the washer 2 days later when I went to get something from the freezer. Bye, bye meat. Grrr!! My son says it's not Alzheimer's, that it is Sometimer's. Sometimes we just forget what we are doing. Many of you have mentioned trouble concentrating while reading or watching TV. Fortunately, I do not have that problem at all. It is just as well as that is what I spend the majority of my time doing. My grandson and I have been gradually watching all of the Stargate series late at night. His dad has all the dvds. Now, some of those I have trouble following. Lots of interesting places and fantasy characters. Anne, I love the "Kintsukuroi" meaning. If we all just had some gold to pass along to each other. Don't understand the violence either. Unfortunately, it has been and will always be with us.

Unfortunately, it has not gotten better for me and at my age, I sometimes wonder if it is the start of Alzheimer's. That is a frightening thought and I refuse to go there. I generally leave the house once a week to grocery shop, run errands, and visit the library. When I get in the truck, I have to tell myself the easiest route to take. I have only lived here for 45 years. LOL The effort of pushing the grocery cart tires me to the point I no longer pay close attention to the items I buy or I get overcharged. I get so angry at myself when I do this. I decided to watch my new BluRay of Dances With Wolves. Love that movie. In my unwatched stack, I found "Last Of The Mohicans", another favorite. The only problem is that I don't remember ever buying it. The player is only 6 months old so it was purchased in that time frame. That is scary. I forget more and more things. At least I still remember to shower and pay what bills I can. I am so fortunate to have my grandson here with me. Although we don't spend a lot of time together, I think he watches out for me.

Laura, I hope you enjoy the "jam session" and make some money for the Jerome Humane Society. Didn't even know they had one. We got my son's dog from the Sedona Humane Society. They were visiting in Flagstaff on a weekend that we went to "unload" the cabin. Your statement of "I have to make choices that he wouldn't have been boxed into" rings so true for me. I have made some very bad financial choices since Ron died due to grief and temporary insanity in addition to the ones that were made for me. Maybe he would understand. The one emotion I am sure he feels(if he feels at all) would be surprise. Surprise at the fact that I have not found someone else. For 40 years, the crazy fool always thought I was looking for someone else. Simply never was. Had I been, I'm sure in that long I could have found someone and moved on. Two of the last things he ever said to me were "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone". So very true. And "You are so beautiful. You won't have trouble finding someone else." So NOT true. I have never looked and never will.

Gin, I am so sorry. Yes, "alone really stinks". It is hard when our children get older and no longer wish to stick to us like glue. I was devastated when my daughter decided to go live with her dad at age 15 because he offered a better life, plus she had met a new boy. Living 1800 miles away, I was not able to see her many times in the next 35 years. I will always feel guilty for that. We talked on the phone all those years a couple of times a week. Maybe I was there for some of the important things like the births of her 2 children and her last marriage. They had a Western wedding, horses and all, but even those times were not enough. As we all know, there is never enough time. And so on that final visit, I left her there as ashes in the ground. I can only apologize to her in my mind. I love my son dearly and even though I see him once or twice a week, I don't think he comprehends what I am feeling. It's just an ultimate sadness.

George, Your comment about the rabbits made me remember why I don't like chickens(unless they are cooked). When I was little, we lived in west Texas near all my aunts and uncles. One couple had a huge farm, including chickens. My aunt would ring their necks and when they were headless, the bodies would waddle around in the yard for a bit, HEADLESS. This scared my 6 year old self to death. Then she would hang them upside down on the clothesline. Not pleasant. Unfortunately, I have learned that there are things a whole lot scarier than headless chickens.

Marg, I am hoping that things will smooth out for you in the near future. I know there are times when you don't feel like you are "taking charge", but you really are. This is so much to accomplish when you are basically on your own(not to diminish the help you have received from Scott and various others). I'm sure it will take some getting used to, this living in an apartment after so many years in your own house. Your last paragraph made me so sad, unintentionally of course. Ron treated his fine gun collection as Billy did his fly equipment and hobby. I wanted to make him proud, but could not. Instead, my son and I scrambled to Cabelas to resell 90% of them just to survive. I have lost so many of his beautiful things, the worst being our cabin. I know in my heart that he is not proud of me and it truly hurts. I am proud of you for planning on attending the reunion. I looked online for my high school reunions(1965) and recognized only one name from the previous ones. A few years back, my ex had asked me to attend his(we were high school sweethearts) , but I declined as I didn't want to hurt Ron's feelings. It would have been fun to see our former friends after 40 years. Guess it's time to grit my teeth and push forward.

Marg, You are on my heart. How very difficult it is for you right now. Realistic is a bitter pill to swallow.

Kathy, What you and Charley had was so very special. I feel the love and respect in every word. May those memories comfort you.

Terri, How perfect is that! Right up there with "The Golden Rule". Can you imagine how many relationships could have been saved if only those statements would have been observed? I am having a horribly depressing week. So much financial stress that it is eating me alive. I am at my rope's end. To make things worse, tomorrow would be my daughter's 52nd birthday. We would always call each other on our birthdays and joke about how we were getting so old. In 2 weeks, she will have been gone for 2 years. It is still so hard for me to accept. Even more so than Ron's passing, I guess. There are so many months to erase from our memories now. Just want to hide in a corner somewhere. I tried explaining my feelings to my son last night, but even though he has lost his dad and step-sister, he hugged me and just sort of looked at me dumbfounded. So hard when the only ones who "get it" are here only and so far away.

Nope Gwen, not in a gated community nor is there a homeowner association. Just a city ordinance that requires your lawn to be a "verdant green". If it gets too green and more than 5 or 6 inches high before mowing, you will get a citation for that also. Oh, and I'm also responsible for keeping the grass and weeds out of the sidewalk cracks in front of the house. That's really lame.

Yes Kay, I am in Az. or the "Hubs Of Hell" as I call it this time of year. My yard problem is one of those "coulda-woulda-shouda" things. When Ron was here, we had a decent yard, even had roses many moons ago until the gophers ate them. I took care of the yard for many years as he was not physically able. We should have had desert landscaping put in a long time ago, but silly me, I wanted grass. It is not cheap to accomplish and not something I can afford. With losing two thirds of the household income, water for the yard is just not a priority. Unfortunately, it is what it is.

Marg, I will gripe a bit in your stead. Once again, it is the time of year when I truly hate living in the city. The city has left me a non compliance citation. I get one of these blasted things every summer threatening a $2,500 a day fine because my front yard is dead. Keep in mind that it is 110 degrees and a blast furnace outside. It never rains. I try to water 2-3 times a week after 10 PM. I can barely afford my house and food, much less a doubled water bill from trying to have a green lawn. I can't afford to have someone put in a sprinkler system or desert landscaping, so I just get by the best I can. This old neighborhood is not the Biltmore estate. It is not flooded with tourists or prospective buyers. It's just a tired old neighborhood and I'm a tired old woman. Why can't they just leave me alone? Gripe over.