KarenK

Thanks Brad, Unfortunately, Robert has low income insurance. He actually works at a Chevron on the "res" and his employer does not have to provide insurance or paid days off. I doubt that he would be eligible for Mayo. I have always heard good things about them. "No work, no pay" preys heavily on his mind along with everything else. I do what I can to help, which isn't much. Family is family and we can all sink on the same ship together. LOL

I too, long for the days when we had "Doc Adams" and "Doc Baker". The almighty dollar trumps all.

Perfect topic for my rant! Another exciting day in my household. NOT! I took my son to his "new" PCP's office this morning which happens to be in an Urgent Care Center. He was in severe pain and in tears with whatever his hip problem is. His doctor failed to appear on scene again, so he was finally seen by and "old coot"(to use a clean word). He told him about the pain which now extends to his privates and the rectal bleeding. He was unable to do the colonoscopy on Wed. because he suffered a migraine and blurred vision caused by the prep which contained Aspartame which he is allergic to. (that will be rescheduled with another option). He asked this doc if he could have a note to get a couple of days off work just to get off his feet a bit, because standing for 10 hours exacerbates the pain and bleeding. Any fool could see how much pain he was in. This ?doctor? said "Absolutely not. I don't know you from Adam". My son told him thank you for your compassion and told him where he could stick it. I then took him to the ER of our closest hospital(not our favorite), where we spent the next 6 hours. He got a CT and was told they could not find anything. They did UA and bloodwork, also. Something is definitely wrong and they can't figure it out. He did have a back injury last year which may be causing a nerve problem. He declined pain meds as they also make him very sick. He can't use anti-inflammatory meds because of the bleeding. He did get a note requesting time off work for the next 4 days, so he is hoping that "something" will heal in that time. It absolutely kills me to see my children in pain. I can no longer "kiss it and make it better". Sorry, but doctors and medicine remain high on my hate list.

I have lived in the "Valley Of The Sun" for 60 years. Cold to us is 40 degrees. 70 below does not compute.

I started this year on a bad note. I had a nightmare that ended with a hateful look and comment from Ron and me in tears. It felt so real that I was almost crying when I woke up. In a way, it was a representation of our last few years. It is a sad thing to say. It hurts, just as it did then. It seems the older and more ill he became, the meaner he was. I want to dream of he man I married, not the one I buried. I hope this is not a precursor of things to come this year. I no longer look forward to each new year wondering what wonderful things might happen, but rather what tragedy will befall me and my family. It is a lousy way to live. I have a bad attitude. Life's experiences have tutored me well.

This is not about religion, but rather about belief or maybe just coincidence. Some things happen for a reason, Marge. Maybe that church is opening it's doors for you. Debbie was the light of my mother's life. My mother had given her a bible in hopes she would return to the church. She had become a hard drinkin' lonely cowgirl after her first husband deserted her. Trying to change their image and lifestyle, she and her new husband started searching for a church. Inside that bible was a church brochure with an image of Jesus. One day they walked into a little country church and there was that same exact image of Jesus hanging over the altar. Debbie said somehow Gram had led here there and she knew she was home. When she was very ill, that little church and it's members truly were home and family. She could not have found a better place. Who are we to question the unknown?

Darrel, For me, the guilt has faded a bit over time. I know I made the only decision that I could have made. I think it's the other 1000+ mistakes that I made over the years that haunt me. Nothing specific, but when you live a lifetime together, you are bound to make some. That's what love and forgiveness is all about. She would forgive if you didn't handle things perfectly. After all, it's not like we had been faced with this before.(Sorry, That sounded crass. It wasn't meant to be.) I don't think those images of the last days ever go away completely, but perhaps move to another area of your brain where they are not staring you in the face all the time. The hardest one for me is my daughter crying at Ron's grave saying "Mama, Mama, soon that will be me." A year later it was. That one sticks with me like glue. Ron and I were together all the time, so it impossible for me to go anywhere or do anything without remembering him beside him. The only two things I can thing of that we did separately were his hunting and my jewelry making. It took me a long time to resume my hobby. I no longer had someone to compliment or condemn my creation. That was half the fun. I doubt I'll ever have another relationship. Wouldn't even know how to begin. And maybe I'm too set in my ways to compromise. Who knows? We sure can't predict the future. So for now, we'll trudge on alone.

Marg, Your little car is adorable. I wish my big truck got your gas mileage. We have mostly had large vehicles, also. Believe me, I back up very carefully and park in the largest parking spot I can find. Don't EVEN ask me to parallel park it. You will find your courage again. When we lose our mate, we are kind of afraid of everything at first. At least I was. Didn't even go familiar places alone. I'm not afraid anymore. Had to laugh last night when the person at the rescue said to use my GPS to find them. I am the GPS. As long as I can read Google Map, I am good to go. Put the pedal to the metal and go, girl!

Robert is to have a colonoscopy next Weds. He saw the PA in the gastro's office who told him his problem sounded more like internal hemorrhoids, rather than cancer. So will know more after this. Life is sometimes boring for me, but not always. At about 11 PM, I heard a small dog barking. It sounded like it was right outside my door. Sure enough it was. It had crawled under the fence in my back yard. My dog was having a fit. I wasn't sure how she would react, but my grandson brought it into the house and both dogs seemed to get along okay. I just knew I didn't want a strange dog in my house all night so we walked the neighborhood for an hour looking for anyone who might still be up and searching for a lost dog. Couldn't find anybody. Called my 24 hour vet and got a few names of possible 24 hour rescues. The only one open was 30 miles from my house. So we took the little dog there and left it. I gave them my name and number. I told the lady that I'd probably find that the dog lived right next door. Well not exactly, but it did live on the next street. As soon as I got home, I got a message from the dog owner. The rescue had called her about her dog and she was on the way to pick it up. So it all worked out in the end. Now it's 3:45 and I'm going to bed. lol

Just a quick update. A rarity. A doctor's office that takes things seriously. My son has an appointment with a gastro doctor on Thursday morning. Breathing a tiny bit easier for now.

Gabbie, I hear and feel the pain in your words. I lost my husband to Cancer in 2013 and one year later, I buried my adult daughter, also lost to Cancer. I am so sorry your so called "friends" chose this time to show their true colors. My few friends and family have been very supportive as well as my many friends here. This is a horrid journey that we are on, but those of us here are walking beside you. We feel your pain. You are not alone. Please share whenever and whatever you wish. Peace to you, my friend. Karen

My son found a doctor this morning at an urgent care that is in his insurance. They are supposed to fax a referral to a gastro doctor today, so he can make an appointment there. With doctors, it is always a "hurry up and wait" situation, especially this time of year. Hopefully with his family history, it will speed things up a bit. I will keep you all posted.

We thought about the ER, but the blood is only when "pooping"(excuse my French) and the hip pain is only when he stands, so doubt there is much they would or could do for him. His insurance requires a referral from PCP, which he needs to choose tomorrow. He doesn't even have one now as he never gets sick. So it will take time, authorization and tests to get it all sorted out. Thank you guys for your support and concern.

I should keep this to myself for now, but I can't. It is eating me up with worry. How many times have we said, "This can't be happening"? Maybe it's not, but......... My son has been having severe pain in his hip for a few weeks. He hates doctors as much as I, but was actually preparing to make an appointment. This is a guy who never takes an aspirin. Yesterday, he told me that he is now bleeding when he uses the bathroom, usually after standing for a long time at work cashiering. This morning, the blood was there first thing and getting worse so he stayed home. No doctors today. They are all closed. He is on the county health program, so not many options. As you may remember, I lost Ron to Cancer and I lost Debbie to Colon Cancer. Unfortunately, when Cancer moves in with your family, it is the first thing you suspect when disaster strikes. I am doing that now while I try to remain positive for him and "brush it off" as anything but the worst. He has told me many times that if he ever developed Cancer, he would not go through the treatments. He witnessed too much firsthand, the results of these. So here I am lost in anxiety and speculation and praying that history is not repeating itself and repeating the mantra "It's not Cancer till they say it's Cancer. Thank you for listening.

Darrel, I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate. Ron and I had also been married for 41 years and his end was much the same. In addition to heart issues and diabetes, he was diagnosed with multiple cancers in 2012. He was hospitalized 12 times in his last 6 months finally developing sepsis, aspirating and being put on a vent. His options for survival were as your wife's were and he would have hated it, so I made the same decision you were forced to do. Hospice transported him home to spend his last few hours and he left on May 5, 2013. A year later, I buried my daughter, who was a cancer warrior for 6 years. It does get a bit easier to accept over time, but grief still resides in my heart and soul and probably always will. I'm glad you found our family here, for that is truly what we are. We are the flickering light for each other in this sometimes very dark world. I hope you have a pleasant holiday and take care. Karen

Kay, Stay safe and keep warm! I hope that Arlie is doing well. These crazy dogs of ours will eat anything. Your post prompted me to look at the Munds Park webcam(a resident has one on his house). The snow is beautiful and I so wish I hadn't had to sell my place up there, but winter's are tough for a woman alone, as you well know. At 2 AM, I found myself watching "The Cowboys", my favorite John Wayne movie. I knew that Ron was right there on the couch watching with me, as I'm sure that's how it would be. After four years, I am able to watch JW movies. Babybacks in the slow cooker, we will have Christmas tonight when Robert gets off work. I am so thankful for him and David. Without them, I would be crazier than I am. I hope my Kentucky grandchildren are doing well. Maybe they will get in touch with me one of these days.................... Wishing each one of you a more peaceful year ahead.

Just got home from candlelight service. I heard so many "Merry Christmas" that it must be true. I am just living in another dimension. Will now play some rousing Solitaire and then read more of my serial killer book. Sounds like fun to me. NOT

I watched the movie that Maryann recommended, "P.S., I Love You". It did not make me sad, rather a bit envious that this was a young widow who still had time to create a new life of her choosing. Perhaps this was the point of the movie. Being older, this option is not open to all of us. I'm sure each of us would identify with her feelings of despair. I am trying to work up the courage to see "Miss You, Already", about a woman whose best friend is diagnosed with cancer. I haven't found that courage yet.

Patty, Your image is breathtaking, one of those that a person can interpret as their heart desires. You have so much talent! Marge, Yours depicts how I feel today, the difference being that my pain is in my head(miserable headache) and not my derriere. If one more person asks me if I'm ready for Christmas, I'll scream. I know it's a common question, but if they only knew. I almost had to laugh yesterday as a woman and I were discussing meat at the grocery store. All of a sudden she said "I am a psychic reader and I see such good things for you for next year regarding, health, finances, and well being". Dream on lady...............if SHE only knew. Hope everyone has a pleasant Christmas.

Happy Birthday, Steve! Hope you and your family had a nice dinner. Snooze away, my friend.

Butch, Thinking of you and your family as you face yet another trial. Such a freak accident to befall this wonderful little guy. Praying each day will show marked improvement and he will soon return to his smiling self. Little Gracie is a doll, as usual. Poor baby! Teething is no fun. Hope you are getting a bit of rest.

I would love to get in my truck, turn up the music, and just drive. Don't like interstates or big cities. Just the back roads and small towns. Find new, interesting places. I always want to see what's just over the next hill. I'm not afraid. I just can't afford it. I'm lost in loneliness and boredom, I guess.

Happy Birthday Anne, I hope you have a nice day and are doing well. Love, Karen

A beautiful tribute to your Mark, Maryann. Never apologize for your newfound peace. It is what we are all seeking. I have yet to reach the plateau you have found. I have been worried about you and am glad that you posted. Your Fellow Texan.

Marg, I am glad you enjoyed being with your old friends, even if you had to get soaked to do it. I too, am just tired. Tired of fighting life at every turn. I think I feel like my Christmas bear with the angel wings. It plays music to a violin it holds and the wings move and change colors. Only it doesn't anymore. New batteries don't make it work and I don't think they would make me work either. Last year, my beautiful carousel stopped turning. This year it is the bear. Everything(including me) has been well cared for over the years, but there comes a time when none of that matters, I guess. I got a card today addressed Mr. & Mrs. That stung a bit. It was from a woman I worked with for many years. We were not close but always exchanged cards. I remember getting one from her last year and she had lost her husband of many years. I remember sending her one with condolences and the news of Ron's passing, but people forget if your only contact is once a year. She always made card with pictures of her, Richard and the dogs. Still the smiling girl I remember, just no Richard. Sending cards is not high on my list of priorities now. I used to have them written and ready to mail on Thanksgiving. Times have changed.