KarenK

Fourteen months after I buried Ron, I buried my daughter. Both funerals were bad, but I think hers was worse for me as she had been cremated. I have never felt like I got to say goodbye or hug her that one last time. The hospital he was taken to in early April 2013 sits across the street from the library I visit each week. I have been to the ER there a couple of times. Strangely enough, it does not evoke memories of him, but of my father who died there in 1977. When he was discharged 2 weeks later, I took him that night to the hospital where he spent his last 2 weeks on earth. I rarely go into that part of town, but the heart doctor I am to see is located behind this hospital. I don't think it will bother me to go there. The place that bothers me the most is where he died, 10 feet from where I'm sitting. I cannot avoid this place at all.

Thank you Kay,scba, and all my other friends, On another thread there was a discussion about why each of us come to this place of healing. One of my reasons for being here is that I always know someone is listening. Debbie was my best friend and she listened. Over the years, the majority of my CSN friends have lost their battle with cancer. That forum is no longer my home. I have no local friends, I have lost touch with the few from work. After all, I have been retired for 10 years. Ron did not approve of my joining them for lunch or "Girls Night Out". They simply stopped asking. This is my home. This is where I feel love and appreciation. I may post something off topic, give TMI or not reply to a post because I simply have no words. I care for each and every one of you and hope that our paths will become easier over time.

Marg, The unfairness of it all is what gets to me as it does to so many of us. Debbie moved from here when she was 15. She fell "in love" with a boy in Kentucky while visiting her dad one summer, plus he had a new home, boat, etc. I'm sure it was more inviting as we had none of that. A few years later, she married the boy's cousin. A month after her second child was born, he left her out of the blue for another woman who was married and older. After 14 years of marriage she was blindsided. Unbeknownst to me, she started drinking. She raised her kids and worked hard. She never told us she was struggling financially. She was like that, fiercely independent. Had we known,we could have helped.. A few years later, she married her second husband. He was a drunk, liar, and cheat. She stayed with him for 7 years until he threw her down the basement stairs. My ex decked him for that one. Ron would have killed him on the spot. She wanted out, but again refused to ask for help. Ron sent her the funds for a divorce anyway. When her kids were in their teens, she finally met "Mr. Right". They married and 2 years later bought a beautiful log home on 28 acres with farmland with proceeds from my mother's estate. She got horses, her first love. I'll never forget her call in July 2008 saying she finally had everything she wanted. Believe me, she had earned it. Then that 2nd call in Sept. telling me she had colon cancer. Her husband was wonderful, stayed right by her side, and cared for her until the last breath. But damn, where is the fairness in all that. I know, I know, "fair is where you go to see pigs" as Brad says, but still it hurts. She was a true believer. The day before she died, in a coherent moment, she looked up at me and said "I just love life". No fairness in that either. She wasn't saved, another factor in my beef with the Almighty, but I won't go there. I will think of you as you struggle through tomorrow. Wish I was moving into apartment 112.

Marg, That describes so much how I feel. It seems only yesterday that I watched that little baby roll herself around the patio in that clumsy 4 wheeled contraption they called a "walker" way back then. Got too close to the edge and tipped over on the grass once. Now she has gone over the edge forever. And wasn't it just last night that I met the handsome guy in the "hot" car that went home with me after a couple of dates and stayed for 40 years. I stole his car and he stole my heart. He took it with him when he left. Just makes me so sad. Brad, I am glad for you that there is a semblance of light in your life. I have not been as blessed as you, but still have some good memories. I do not begrudge anyone for being able to climb another step up from the darkness.

Gwen, Like you, I may be here forever. My grief may not be as intense, but it will be with me forever. Losing my husband and daughter after 50 years has left a hole on my heart that cannot be mended. For me, it is easier to speak of it less as it cannot be changed.

Marg, Not to worry. I have not gone digital either. The most modern electronic thing I own is my computer, no smartphone, ipod, etc. Heck, I don't know exactly what most of those things are or do anyway. I have a huge CD collection, some of which I made myself using youtube. Used to have 600 DVD's. Have managed to taper that to about 250. I have a $10 gift certificate for Amazon. Thought I would buy a new CD, except most of the artists I like have passed on or are too old to sing. lol The Eagles are one of my favorites also. Saw them in concert one time. Listening to Brooks & Dunn in the truck while running errands. Managed to get through "You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone" without shedding a tear, though it still tears at my heart.

Thank You Mary, It is so good to see you. I think of you and Bentley often and am glad to hear you are doing well.

Butch, Sending more prayers for precious Gracie, you and your whole family.

Kay, The inhaler is Anoro Ellipta. I have never used it.

Marg, If I were there, I would certainly hug you back and then help you pack up. It is hard enough to miss someone in your heart without having the reminders in your face. I take 2 BP pills in the morning and 1 at night. I have been on 2 of them for about 15 years, the 3rd one for a few weeks. Without it, my BP goes over 200 and gives me blinding headaches and dizziness. With it, no headaches or high BP. I sit down when I get dizzy. No girl stuff for me for about 38 years. All of it removed 32? years ago. That's one exam I don't miss. lol Kay, My doctor is stymied as to why I don't feel well and am tired all the time. I know the answer. Perhaps he has never lost anyone he loved before. Then he would understand. Last visit, I made the mistake of answering "yes" to the "Do you ever have chest pains?" question. The day my new freezer was delivered, I moved a bunch of heavy stuff out of the utility room so the door would open. When I was finished, my chest hurt. I have COPD. Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. He insists I have the tests. So I won't be the stubborn old woman that I usually am. I'll have the tests. I refuse to use the inhaler that he prescribed. The side effects are "shortness of breath, etc, etc, ending with possible death". DUH If I'm wrong about my heart, I'll eat my words. Oh, the tests are on the 21st, about a 20 mile round trip. Hope I can drive home.

Each day when I wake up, I am dizzy. I sit on the side of the bed for a few minutes until it clears. I am foggy brained for a while as I make coffee and then able to function after a little while. My doctor knows this, but has no explanation except that my BP is confused. My whole body is confused, including my brain that cannot rest even when sleeping. Makes sense to me that this old piece of machinery is breaking down due to poor maintenance and way too much stress. Although my EKG is fine, I am to have a stress test and Echocardiogram on the 21st. I will not do well on the stress test because I smoke. I will not wear cowboy boots this time, maybe tennies. There is nothing physically wrong with my heart. It is simply broken and cannot be repaired. I have been searching for peace for a long time. I cannot find it anywhere. It remains elusive. It is definitely not hiding in my soul.

Andre, Thank you for the beautiful tribute to your Margaret. What places you both shared and the many wonderful memories you must have! There are no goodbyes to those we love.

I love both of your pictures. I'm sorry I have none of Ron in a setting like that. We fished a lot in the mountain lakes. He was also an avid fisherman, but not with a fly rod. He had around 30 rods and several tackle boxes. My son and I sold a lot of it, but he kept about 10 for himself and 1 for me. I did not like selling it at all any more than than the 40 or so guns we had to let go or all the John Wayne stuff. It is like I am slowly erasing him and with him goes me. It is so hard to believe he has been gone almost 3 years. This is still such a lonely place. I often think of my daughter's beautiful home, land, and horses. All gone now. Some here are able to re-locate and travel and I envy you that. I don't really want to be here in this lonely house with all the memories. It is a roof over my head and nothing more. It is no longer a home. Like you Kay. I struggle each month to survive financially. So will stay here until they kick me out. Really have no future to plan for. I hope Ron is up there somewhere with your "guys" fishing his heart out.

I am older than most of you, and began collecting my SS at age 62. Ron had been on SS Disability for years. When he turned 66, his payments were converted to regular SS, same amount. His payments were higher than mine. When he died, a portion of his payments were added to mine to equal the difference. I also received one unexpected deposit with a letter of explanation that he was owed money. Never did figure out why.

For me, that feeling of not fitting in has only gotten worse over time. Many times I have thought about trying to make new friends, but in the end my thoughts turn to "Why bother?" New friends do not have a history with you and are not interested in how you feel. Most days I feel like I have been erased. Does that make sense? Perhaps I must force myself to take that first step toward a "new" me. I just don't know. It seems selfish to worry that I no longer seem to have any value to anyone. I think the "no value" feeling is especially true for those of us who were caregivers to our loved ones. There is no one left who depends on us to make it through each day and night. Or in my case, no one who calls me to ask for help or advice or just to say "wish you were here". Gwen, I love your perspective that at least someone was thinking of you.

As many of you I'm sure, when my children and grandchildren were little, we did the Easter Egg Hunt in the yard. It was work for me, but fun for a young family. I realize that is not what Easter is really about, but a big part of it when you have little ones. The cemetery where my family lies has a sunrise service every year. I attended a few times with my mother after my father passed in '77. Attending sort of dwindled away. I could not go after she left in '06 and I definitely can't go now. It does not evoke a sense of peace knowing that three members of my family lie in that dirt or that another lies alone far away. I would rather be back in the fog and hunt Easter eggs.

I am worried about our D also and now Kay's sister, of course. I saw the Brussels news a few minutes ago. The world is filled with evil and insanity.

Welcome Polly and Patty, to our group. Although it is a place none of us wishes to be, you will find that we truly understand what you are feeling. I lost my husband in May 2013 and my daughter in July 2014, both to cancer. The pain was unbearable. Most days now, I no longer slide down the "rabbit hole", however I will always carry a great sadness within me. Polly, I think the only way to go is forward through the blinding pain on the hardest journey you will ever walk and as Patty said "just stay alive" whether it be hour by hour or minute by minute. All of us here will walk beside each of you. Karen

Thank you Janka, It is a cute one, for sure.

Brad, Having an Irish surname(by marriage), we always celebrated St. Paddy's with traditional corned beef and cabbage and wore something green. Have never been pinched for being lax. Will be having burgers tonight. It's just not the same. Feeling sad and a bit sorry for myself today. Tomorrow will be my 69th birthday. No celebration as the two people who valued me the most are gone. Ron always made it special and I will dearly miss the call I always got from my daughter. My son, bless his heart will probably not even remember. He's not too good with stuff like that. Here is a special Irish blessing for all our loved ones: May the road rise up to meet you, May the wind always be at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face, The rain fall soft upon your fields, And Until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

It is interesting that our loved ones appear to us in dreams in their "prime". Perhaps it is our subconscious protecting us from reality. Although I rarely dream of Ron or Debbie, both are sort of in a fog when I do. They do appear much younger and healthier. Being with him constantly, the deterioration was not as profoundly apparent until close to the end. I look back now at his last photo taken 3 months before he left and see just how much he had changed. The change in my daughter was very apparent as I had not seen her for 4 years. I remember thinking how much she looked like my mother at age 96. My Debbie was only 50. Cancer is such a ravaging disease as many of us have experienced. I try to keep those memories at bay and remember them before the bad times.

Andrea, I was filled with anger for about 2 years, I guess. Not at anyone close to me, but at the medical professionals that contributed to my husband's death. Losing my daughter a year after my husband added fuel to the fire as she had very poor Hospice care at the end. The anger is useless. It serves no purpose, unless you are able to rectify what has caused it. Nothing can be done to bring back my family, so somewhere along the line, I let it go. There are much bigger problems to face as time progresses and anger just gets in the way. You may learn that you are hurting yourself more than those at whom your anger is directed. Peace

Marg, You are too funny, but it is so true. Men in my age bracket just seem too old(no offense to anyone here if you fit that criteria). On those dating websites, those men are looking for much younger women anyway. As appealing as a younger man might be, truth be known, I doubt I could keep up with one. Plus I am pretty set in my ways. Ron always said I would have no trouble finding someone after he was gone. I am not crazy enough to want to train another one. LOL I looked at those sites for about 6 months out of boredom, but realized I was looking for Ron and he wasn't there. Gerard Butler is a hunk. Zac Efron could be my grandson. LOL

Just read this devastating news, but so glad things are on the upswing. Many good thoughts and vibes being sent to you Butch, and your special family.

Brad, So funny you should mention the meaning of some songs. I was listening to an old Anne Murray song today and thinking the same thing. It was of a love lost, but the same lyrics could be applied to our situations. The big difference, of course, being there is no hope for ours to return. I've not been through Deming for many years. We switched to the northern route for our cross country trips to Kentucky. I do remember a very good Mexican restaurant(really hot food) across the tracks. Forty years ago, although I doubt Deming has changed much. LOL Glad you were able to visit with your family. Get home safely tomorrow.