Gwenivere

I remember in my 'youth' the hours I would devote to getting dressed, curling my hair, makeup, getting a tan, etc.. Basically making the most of a young body in its prime. It wasn't a hassle because that is just what ya do! Plus there are all those men out there to entice. Life was simpler too. I had a job, but there was no mortgages, illness or death influencing my life. everyone I loved was alive. As time went on I tweaked what was priority for looking good. It simplified but one keeps a 'style'. Now it is jeans, boots and I nice shirt for the world. Gave up dresses years ago when Steve retired and there were no more corporate functions to attend. When I get home tho, it's sweats and slippers. If I get a hankering for take out, I go as I am. Seattle is quite diverse anyway. Suits and dresses are only common downtown. i do miss short shorts and bikinis tho. They don't miss me tho!

I woke up the other day to the memories of the morning I got up and had to send Steve to hospice for the final time. Could not shake the images I saw when I got up and knew he was in another world and had to call his nurse. I did not know he would not return this time. But that is not the point. The point is that memories are so very hard because they are from real experiences. Not a bad dream or movie we saw. Something we saw and said....whew, that was intense and could toss out because it wasn't real. I'm too close to those to easily access the good ones of our past and the times I have reached them, they are still too painful because they emphasize the loss. So what to do with a head and heart full of 37 years entwined with this person that is now over? I see things around the house I don't do anymore, like leaving him notes on his mirror he saved and are still piled on a picture he kept adding them too. There is a note in his car I see he taped there because it said to carry this so he never forgot his girls (me and our dogs) love him. I haven't written him a silly note in over a year and a half. Nor him me. I am not creating new memories now beyond how I survive each day now. Those are real too so I can't toss them out when they are painful. This isn't fiction. I know no one has the answers, but it is a new discovery that has materialized tho I have felt it a long time but couldn't put words to it. As a footnote it finally happened to me that someone told me it was time to find a new man. She is a resident at the nursing home I volunteer at and when she heard it was over a year, it was time to get out there and find another one. I don't know if it was a generational thing, she being well into her 80's, or that she really thought that would help because women should always have a man. just fill in the blank spot with another! I can't even fathom anything beyond a hug I get now and then from male friends. Grief, the hell that just keeps on giving.

I don't really feel sorry for myself. I just keep wondering.....why us? I am sure every couple has thought that in various situations, but now alone it is a why me. I know there is no answer for that beyond nature and what it did to Steve and no fault of his. I don't know how people deal with sudden deaths, but as a caregiver for 5 years, I know I and he did everything right so why is he gone? Rhetorical because this was cancer. But I can't help thinking that when you try so hard and are doing things you never imagined and keep seeing them slip away. So, late at night I do feel that sorrow for myself and him. Life isn't fair, always knew that. But in this one instance I wish it could have been.

Patty is soooooo right. There are so many things I do repetitively and every once in a while it gets to me. You never know with these sneak attacks. Everything I did for the first time without Steve here I knew would be a trigger. That was a given. Now we kinda stumble along in hopes we don't get blindsided. I agree about doing nothing too. Then I sit here looking at this house and it stares back with memories in every nook and cranny. I hear it gets better, but right now it's a no win situation.

Thank you, Ana. That is as simple as it gets. To the core.

Well, girls, we could always group together and holdout a hat for passer by's. Just need a good slogan. Grieving is easier with clean clothes?

George, death happens to other people is the mantra of those not in our situation. There was a time I was there too. Heard about it and was so glad it was not in my life. Then time happened and lost parents, siblings and friends. Now the ultimate. Always knew it was around, didn't know I'd get a new roommate from it. Good luck on the walking. I've really lost a lot of mobility in the last year and a half and that adds more challenge to this new existence. Mine is not conducive to just start walking again. Another challenge. I've developed a nifty unique Gwen limp tho.

One of our dogs that always slept between us has spread out now onto Steves pillow. It helps because I can pet her as I drift off. It seems to be her favorite spot to sleep anytime now. She misses her dad. Just like her mom does.

Amen, sister! I had no idea what to expect at the first year mark, but I had a world of people around me expecting me to be all better. I think it gets even harder because we can't talk about as much out there. If one is lucky enough to have at least one person to keep talking with, that really helps. But the majority of people don't get it, as we know. I call them the Magical Milestone People. To be avoided at all costs.

I don't know about time tables in grief except there are none. I know that becoming isolated is tempting but can feed on itself. I've kinda been forced into it being sick for weeks. I think the advice here to get out is good, tho probably the last thing you want to hear. I wish I knew more to say except in many ways I can relate.

I think about this honoring thing too. To me it's not about doing what we did before because we can't. Those were shared things or things THEY did. I can't record music or keep up musical equipment like Steve did. Long ago lost say interest in maintaining the yard, both of us, so it got hired out. Minor things around the house he would fix, but even he decided that the biggies were worth paying someone for so we could do other things we liked. Reading all these posts today it showed me I don't know who I am anymore. I know my name, what I used to like, have the same surroundings, but I don't know the person I have become anymore. It's an odd feeling living in the vessel I have always had but feeling a stranger. Pretty much all the things 'she' did have no appeal. She is doing things I never did like having the TV on mist of the night and playing games on her tablet to kill time. I used to read, watch only things that were of interest, not for background noise. I'd keep up with news to discuss with Steve. There was so much to do that was really nothing but living a life with someone, but it filled my world. Now I hear our clock ticking on the wall all the time. I am always acutely aware of the time because there is so much if it. I don't know what happened because I spent all of last year without him but was productive. I'd have my breakdowns of course. But I felt like I was stronger and took some pride at getting things done. Perhaps it IS the longer passage if time being alone. I look back and 3, 5 or 6 months seems so small compared to 18. I don't think I am doing grief wrong, but I never expected it to get worse. But them, I had no idea the permanence off this. It was an in the moment thing. Now I know this is forever. My mind and heart are just broken beyond repair right now.

Thanks, Kat. I just swept our deck and patio (they are huge) and while I didn't feel him, per se, it nice to know I can get something done rather that sit and wallow in a bad way. He would have been impressed and pleased. Just wish I could hear him say it. Dogs were thrilled with the activity and made it harder, but not the same. We are the product of 2 people. I just do a poor job playing both roles.

I don't know where else to put this, so this seems a good topic listing. i remember a time when boxes showing up here were fun. Novels, guitar stuff for Steve, little gadgets we'd find and want to try out. Fun coming home and finding a package. Now I get medical stuff for me or books on grief. I can't even think of anything I want to order that would be fun. I just have no interest in anything and nothing would make me feel better. The ripple effects of this just keep coming up with new ones.

And she would do the same for you. That is what is so hard to acclimate to now. There was always that give and....give to each other. Now we don't have them to help us. We know they would if they could and need it so desperately. We look for ways to comfort ourselves now. It was so easy before to just turn to them and say....I need some help.

I can't imagine having that said to me. Once someone said I might find someone else. Another time someone mentioned a roommate. I feel as you do. There is no room for anyone else despite how lonely this life has become. He's still my one and only. I was smitten with him at 21. We married 6 years later. I lost him at 37 shared years. I have been without him 18 months. Someone else? I don't want someone else. Never did. I don't see that changing now if it never did before. Of course our houses feel too big. Half the life that was there is gone. People want us to not hurt. It's a nice thought, but quite unrealistic.

Maryann, I am having a day that the not being ready is hitting me hard. There is a voice somewhere that keeps screaming at me that Steve is dead. It's driving me crazy. I don't want it to be true. I know it is, but I feel so paralyzed in this reality. I had a dream about him last night packing his stuff for a gig and it felt so normal. Then I woke up to the reality. You have the pressure of the learning to drive, I have been ill for weeks. I think when we get more heaped on top of the already horrible change in our life we just crumble at the slightest bit more weight to carry. I felt invincible with him in my life because if I couldn't do something alone, he was there to help. I find I can do what needs to be done, but it is such a reminder that I have no option. I also push myself to do things that can wait because I hate sitting here thinking about the loss. It follows me everywhere. We don't want to escape our loves, but I do want to escape that voice. I want it to shut up and leave me alone. I get it! I have since the day he died. I guess it is my voice, so how do I get ME to shut up?

Gin, can you see this?

Gin, when Steve and I got our wills, we were each other's beneficiaries too. A few months after he died I had to sit down with our attorney and get things changed over too. I hated it, but it had to be done. It's just such a cold thing to have to do when we are a churning mass of emotion. At least in this, once it is done, it is done. I was in shock phase and our attorney came to the house making it easier. Is that a possibility for you?

Gin, one thing that is not required now is doing things of importance. I'm still sorting out what IS important now. Please don't judge yourself. We don't know yet what will and won't matter. If you had to feel something to make you feel better as you search, you can always fall back on that 'I got out of bed at least' thing. I actually find that majorly huge most days. Did you get dressed? Did you eat? Did you scream at the universe? Sometimes we do more than we realize.

I feel this is more than semantics, Kay. I also do not see my new normal as simply what my life is now. I know you are years ahead of me, but for now anger plays a big part and is often expressed in ways not fitting the classic definition. Adjustment comes with time and passing thru any phase we find ourselves in. My anger (resentment and hate) often is depression, fear, impatience...so many things. And do we ever truly adjust? Some do some don't. We learn to keep going, but as some, myself included, has expressed, we don't feel thier loved ones presence making the challenge even harder. We want to feel it, but there is nothing in this 'normal' that can be forced.

Karen.......WOW! Such a spot on post about what this us all about! I've never lost a child, but have experienced all thevothersc and none compare to this. Definitely the most life altering in every way for me. This was the person we chose to live this life with. That encompassed every decision and plan we made. To be left standing alone in the midst of an endless desert not knowing what direction without a compass or a clue is life altering.

Kat, I think you're going to have quite a crowd with that invitation!

I hear ya on the boredom, Marg. It's just a shame it is combined with grief and sadness. At least if it were only boredom I could concentrate on reading or a movie. Maybe even those coloring books for adults. ANYTHING to fill the time without this constant restlessness.

George, I have gotten to hate the term I have heard forever now......the new normal. At this point there is nothing normal about this. It's the most unnatural thing I have ever felt. I know it is just fantasy my waiting on any kind of return to what I once knew. But that doesn't mean I don't yearn for it day and night, day after day, week after week, month after month. I know I haven't fully accepted this yet. If I had, I wouldn't be in such agony. I've never, ever felt so disconnected from life. So alone. All I have is his 'ghost' and that is every part of our home has his memory in some way or another. But no him. So much has become meaningless now. Objects. Dramatic as it sounds, my heart and my home are as dead as he is. If this stays my new reality, well, I don't even want to think about that.