Gwenivere

Maryann, think about the word you used. Months. You send are are about equal and I know that this seemingly endless time is so painful, but the amount of it is in reality very short. I know for me the longer it goes on, the worse it feels as it is longer I am away from him. It was hard the first few months, but there were people hovering around in support. Now they have moved on and I am alone (except here). So I calculate his being gone so long and the fact that life has moved on while I am sitting on the side of the road watching.

Joyce, I'd take tha hug in a nanosecond if I could! :-) Kat, in other words you are talking about 'patience'. Not one of strong suits. But I am becoming aware of life again. I see it in the people living it and how my place in it has drastically changed. It's like watching a parade go by an wondering when I will be able to step in again. Right now I'll keep my seat on the sidelines a bit longer. But thank you for your insight.

It's a bitch when things are clumped together. Mine are October thru January. But in one way I know I just have to face that time of year and not have it hitting me all year with major special days. Everyday is a reminder anyway, but holidays and birthdays Ned anniversaries see especially tough.

I don't know what progress is anymore. Last year I definitely had indescribable moments of hellish pain, but I actually functioned. This year I don't sob much either, but I don't feel connected with life and do less than I did. It's like the longer he is gone, the less interested I am in life. I don't know if this will turn around, but it does scare me living a life I don't care about anymore.

Yup, one day at a time, over and over. I'm in a bad mood. I see you caught on to that. :-)

I know in my head the realization is at this time the hardest thing to accept. It's my first thought waking every day. Ive had 18 months of it and yet there it is every frigging day. I can think of easier ways to become enlightened and wiser. I see no positive in this at all. It's become baggage I have to carry forever now. It is part of the life experience, one of us had to go first. Resignation.....surrender and submission according to the dictionary. Not exactly things that will add to our quality of life as we try and move forward. This is the very reason that platitudes from the well meaning anger me. Let's be real. This is the worst feeling in the world. One we never knew existed. One we could have lived without knowing. This isn't like someone said something mean about us or things we thought were utterly hurtful. This is the real deal. And there is no return policy.

I've gotten absolutely dizzy going in those circles. Like everyone....why did this happen to US? We were just sailing along, minding our own business, content and not harming anyone. And then like a judgement passed by some hellish court, a verdict was issued that made no sense. No appeals allowed. Not even able to speak for ourselves....it just swooped in, ruined everything and took off without looking back.

Beautifully said into the face of an ugly beast. It has power, but nothing conquers love. As Kay said.......I want to double like that too!

Marg, I know people remarry and Steve would probably be OK with that. But I wouldn't. I already had my man for this life. Of course, being older is a factor. I'm pretty set in OUR ways. Would drive someone else crazy!

Never said you were, Kay. Just relaying my experience about how powerful the mind can be when we are vulnerable. As always, just my opinion.

Yes, Patty, if is a beautiful poem. i have found it best not to ask what the worst is that can happen. Mostly because I don't want to find out. Life before Steve leaving I never thought of such things. Now I know a reality that is harsher than ever imagined. I agree with brat, one day at a time. Too easy to get swallowed into the 'what ifs'. As our minds are not really our allies right now, best not to listen to thier catastrophic thoughts if possible. I'm not saying I can do it either, but I try and be aware of how sneaky it can be.

I feel like my body needs to be covered in post its to tell me the obvious things. I do use them because I do the same things, Marg and Karen. This is way beyond walking into another room and forgetting why you went there. Every morning is a test of what day it is. Mitch, that pavement plop is getting old too. Our loss has clipped our wings.

I don't think it ever will, Ana. I don't recall exactly when it hit me, but indeed it was a shock to know I now had a label. A widow. I hate the word. I hate the feeling. I hate everything about it. It is courageous to look at pictures. I manAged to not 'see' Steve in the pictures around to house for a long time. Now I cannot stop seeing him when I pass them. I even used one here I see every day. That feeling of impossibility is so very hard for our heads and hearts to accept because it is final. No A, B or C multiple choice options. I don't know how long the intense pain will be for you, but short or long, it's a terribly dark place to be. If I had a magic candle that could shed some much needed light, I would give it to you.

I am the perpetrator. I did indeed write Laura and say all grief is valid and I was curious as to her choice of forums. 2 sentences. She answered me that she felt many of the lost feelings we do. I totally understood that. I did not have the chance to say that because of interpretation I was attacking her. I did not challenge her nor imply she should leave. I told her that was not my place or right. That was the extent of it. After reading all these replies to a one sided story, I am a bit dismayed. There are no secrets or hidden agendas. Just a choice I made to contact her privately which made more sense than publically. Marty said this could be taken public and if I am to be crucified, I'm willing to take it by name. We come to know each other personally and by how we represent ourselves here. if your view of me has been changed, so be it. But I will not defend myself to any further exaggerations. Marty, no need to worry I will keep this alive publically. But I feel if one member is told they can do so, the other has a right to reply.

Annew, this breaks my heart to read as it hits so close. I often feel I died too. But I don't get the peace I hope he has. I feel abandoned in life too. If it weren't for a very few people, it boggles my mind that there is no one in this world that cares where I am everyday. If I'm late coming home, when I have had to make ER trips, going shopping amid the families and friends doing the same thing.......it's such a cold feeling. If it weren't for hunger, feeling hot or cold, pain....I would swear I was dead sometimes. Much too often.

THIS is exactly what people don't understand about losing the person we totally shared our life with. The person we chose above all others to build a life with. My parents, siblings and friends all fulfilled needs, but not all of them. They weren't there to hold me in the middle of the night. I can't think of any situation where my first thought of who to turn to was my husband. Need doesn't even begin to describe it.

Butch, 18 months and counting. Wondering if I am losing my mind. Weak is from the outside world. We come here because SOMEONE understands there isn't a magical finish line we cross. We're not weak, we are the strongest people I have seen to keep going when we felt our world ended and we keep going.....somehow. I always get people saying I hope last week was better fir you. Nope. I don't even care if they get it or not anymore. Takes too much of what little energy we have.

Maryann, as you can see you are not alone in these feelings at all. I look at my life now and wonder what happened to the person that always had energy and accomplished a lot. Nothing earth shattering, but a day was not spent wandering aimlessly mentally and physically just waiting for the hours to pass. I hear my inner voice too saying.....what the hell is the matter with you? The answer is quite obvious. My once fulfilled life, simple as it was, as been obliterated. As was said in a quote....you think thier dying is the worst, then they stay dead. That is what we are 'living' with day after day. Something we could have never fathomed could be so heavy, yet empty to have to drag with us. So, as always, you are not alone. Sound says I just want to skip over but that just leads to another of the same. It's hard knowing everyday that our intentions to feel better face such a insidious foe.

Thank you, George. I will check it out. Sleep well.

That is a good question. I know when I fall into the grief abyss it is as deep and dark as it always was. But I do find them keeping me hostage a bit shorter. Maybe if I because we have been there so many times and know the 'dialogue' and run thru it faster. All I do know is they are always there, lurking, and we never know what will make us fall in. Maybe we are slowly building a ladder out a step at a time, tho is is a very deep hole.

Marg, living IS a chore now. How I so miss those days it was an adventure or just.....life. Oh, that is so true! I have been in so many places that people go berserk. I get impatient with people that create problems like arguing with cashiers to the point of abuse. I can't possibly see anything worth giving myself a heart attack over. Life is chaos enough without seeking it out!

My heart goes out to you, Brad. Seems we keep an tally of the time whether consciously or not. I'm still going to bed every night saying it was a long day without you to Steve.

I don't know if I would call myself selfish. I do know I don't really care much if alt all what is happening with people around me now. I just can't because they are living. Plans flying all over the place. I want to feel happy for them, but I fill the day trying to make it something worth living for. I lay low because I want to avoid advice and suggestions. When they do come and I try to explain (futilely) this is different, I often feel they think it's an excuse. Go see Star Wars! Load up the dogs and take a drive! Get out your art supplies and create again! Hey, how about a roommate so you aren't so lonely? If it were physically possible for a human head to explode, mine would.

There are always triggers to keep running into. Just earn I think I have hit them all, something else catches my attention. Definitely the hardest thing was losing that daily communication and time together. Those are the hardest. I haven't written him a post it note in over 18 months and he collected them on the wall in his bathroom. He used to want the plastic bread closers for cinching his guitar cords together. I'd cry every time a loaf of bread was done and had to throw those out. It can be the very smallest of things. His van is always here when I get home, but a bread closer can bring me to tears! We didn't do the calling much, but there was always lots to talk about when we were home. My furry kids are always glad to see me, but they can't hug me or care much about my thoughts or experiences. I talk to them, but they just cock thier heads wondering when I will get around to the important thing like a treat. My treat would be to see his smiling face.

If only we could get people to understand this, Mitch. What is this fixation with time lines?