Gwenivere

Marg.....I do not do the M word anymore. The only moving I do is getting me from here to there and that is more than enough.

Gin, as we have all come to know, this is the way it goes. If things were reversed we probably would be talking about our life too. It's hard to remember daily that we are so changed while others live on as they always have. I have a hard time listening to it also, but it's our world that is stalled, not theirs. This is why I don't socialize much.

I'm joining this club of a bad day. I'm shut down to any good in the world, why can't we get shut down to some of the bad? Wish I could even look forward to going to sleep, but waking up itself started this bad day. What a frigging conundrum. Sometimes I wish I could just go comatose for a bit. Like Mitch said.....if Steve were only here. I'd still feel sick, but I wouldn't be in grief too!

I wish I could, Mitch. I don't even know what to say that could possibly help. Its days like this that even the memories hurt worse. Life after (insert name here). Or maybe existence is better. But a very apt description.

My gawd, that's it! What is tearing me apart more so than all the other things I have uncovered about this hellish journey. I AM more in love with Steve than I ever was. I've had to experience life without him and while I knew he was the love of my life, I couldn't see how deep that was was because I lived it. Having it taken away shows just how deep the roots go. Like dandelions, you can't stop them. You would have to dig so deep to kill the root. They flourish thru any weather while flowers and grass die. I think I've discovered a new respect for a plant that everyone sees as a pest. It survives, no matter what. A wierd analogy, but it makes sense to me. I keep loving this man more and more, but can't be with him to share it. I have to disagree, for myself, here, Marty. I remember everything about Steve. I have no illusions of the man. I see him in my mind every day as the person he was that made me happy, but sometimes angered or hurt me. What I find interesting is that it doesn't diminish my love for him. I'm not missing him as a saint or angel, I am missing the mortal man in all his ways. I've known people that have glorified thier lost ones as you said. Maybe thier anguish is worse, I don't know. But my realistic memories are hell enough. Like joking around, our rubbing each other wrong is the same black hole I live in now.

Sherbear, I don't know what to say having the love of your life ripped away just as it was beginning. There is never a good time to face death, but this is by far the worst I have ever experienced. Loss of purpose is so normal and you will come to hate that word. The world changes and our former normals become unpleasant things. We have all tried to bargain anything we have to get our loves back. If only we could. It's so hard not to be able to tell someone if or when it may become bearable. As is often said, be kind to yourself and feel what you must. That is the most normal thing you can do.

Marg, when I think about gypsy women type, I think of Cher and Stevie Nicks. Love them both and did the gypsy attire in my youth. And that was disco era! Talk about standing out. But in a good way. Never was a good lemming.

Marg, one of the biggest things I miss is cooking dinner for us. We weren't fancy, but to have a sit down meal together I took for granted. Every time I sit at that table I am painfully aware I am alone. There should be talking, me getting in him for violating the rule of bringing his phone to the table, his messiness the dogs depended on to snag on th floor. I manage to 'cook', but it is so minimal. Also for ease of clean up because doing dishes with no on to chat with is really depressing. I haven't gone to the liquid supplements yet. Hoping I can avoid that. It's another one of those pleasurable things that get stole away we never even thought about at the time.

Tonight is one of those nights I am so keenly aware Steve is not here. I always know it, but sometimes it hits so hard. I'm not doing anything differently, but me and the houses mood are so charged with glaring absence. Maybe because it is our date night, that I have been sick for almost 2 weeks.....I don't know. All I know was just was a harder day than most and I've had lots of days alone. I don't know why he popped into my mind so urgently. I know the relentless low fever had beaten me down. I just want a night without the inner darkness. It's a new Saturday Night Live night. Why can't he be here to laugh or say how incredibly stupid that skit was?

Maryann, we faced the same issues when we did our wills. No kids and nephews and nieces on his side had never been appreciative of gifts in the past, it was expected. So we decided to have our entire estate donated to charities that meant a lot to us. Steve did will his babies, guitars and a bass, to close friends. I have my drawings and sentimental jewelry going to my dearest friend. Everything else will be sold and 50 percent to his choice and 50 to mine. We even put in if any family disputed it they could have a dollar. The dogs have a trust for their care with someone we trust. Made it very simple and we felt better knowing thing were going to where it will be needed and appreciated.

There is nothing else I will throw out. I only rude the place of med supplies, boxes of outdated computer parts and donated his clothes except for 4 things that are so Steve. His bathroom is still his bathroom only barer for the missing med supplies that never were there before. Every time I try and move anything else now it feels wrong. So it stays. Everything you said makes absolute sense, Mitch. It's tangible evidence of thier personality and how they made our lives the one e so dearly miss now.

Steve was a big kid too. Always ordering things and delighted when they came. I finally put him on an allowance per month for toys. Marg, I made an executive decision as I am not moving and have gotten rid of medical stuff that was useless and a bad memory. I have no plans to do anything with the rest of Steves stuff. I leave that to the executor when I check out. There is just enough of him around so the place is not sterile, but not so much that I feel he is actively living here because that I could not take.

Marg Mary Sunshine.....you know that is not a prerequisite here. Youre right, it gets to the point when the questions just don't seem to matter anymore. But yet they will nag us when we are off guard. Here's some sunshine for ya......☀️

Here in Seatle, I watched a short show put on by a thief now helping the police. Because of alarm systems and dogs, he said that with the very finite window they have to get in, grab and go that an alarm system was good but back that up with a dog and that was a house to skip over. Frankly, things being what they are with grab and go there is so little these days compared to long ago to get! TVs are huge now. My laptop is so wired in to desk monitors that it just leaves my tablet as an easy to grab item. I guess they could take my RXs. Some have pretty good street value. :-)

Isn't it odd that even when they were more dependent on us, they made us feel safe? I've never felt more vulnerable than I do now being alone. So little he could have done in his last months, but that big strong guy was still in there mentally and that was all I needed.

I slept fine when Steve was here too, even tho he was sick. It was his very presence that completed me. Even when he would wake me in the middle of the night for something, I'd just jump up, take care of it and go back to sleep. ive been tossing away those lovely $10 coupons because there is nothing I need and I can't make myself fund smithing I want. Ive tried. Often I used them to get Steve a tee shirt or something about $10 it was a thrill to get something for free. When I would get bored, I would go to various stores to look around and kill time. It was fun because even if I didn't buy anything, I could look at things for OUR home and go hmmmmmm.....maybe. Or I would actually find something and it was so much fun to bring home. The very few things I have since make me sad at times because they are an improvement or nice change, but just to me. And I am caring less and less about that. This grief ripples far beyond our inner pain. It affects.........everything!

This made me cry because Steve had one if the loudest, sincere, always finding humor in everything laugh. He'd laugh so hard sometimes his eyes would water. He would have others laughing at his treatments and n the ER. I think more than anything, more than his moving around, clatter of projects in the garage, even more than his music.....I miss that the most. He lived with his cell phone glued to his ear so was always talking to a buddy so it was a constant thruout the day and definitely a part of evening alone. So many things we live without now, but some cut deeper than others.

Mitch, words are so terribly hard to find. Your testament to your life with Tammy is beautiful even thru the pain. I don't know what I can say but you were both meant to be. She is gone too soon.

I miss that too. Steve always thought I could hear him. It's just a bad I can't call to him to have him see something I am watching. Or pause it til I could get him in here to see. I miss saving something funny showing to him like a commercial that is exceptionally funny. It's so darned hard being the only one here that cares about anything now. That is, when I can stir up that feeling,

Make up? What is that? I know I have some of that stuff in a drawer, but beyond some lipstick now and then so I don't look as dead as I feel, it's slowly decaying away in there. Clothes are for comfort now. I only wear nice tops with my jeans on volunteer days. I have skirts,my couple dresses and nice shoes that I know I'll never wear again. I miss having the interest of my face and body beingb'canvases, but the person I showcased them for isn't here to see it. The most I do (and this takes massive effort) is still touch up my roots because my hair is so long, I dont know how they would put it back to normal with the gray in there. Even having to blow dry my bangs after sleep annoys me. The dogs have yet to make my comment on my appearance. I'm not scaring the populace tho, so I guess slacking off just makes me a simpler apparition.

If I were in better shape, I would be jumping up and down saying yes, yes, yes! In the last 18 months it feels like I have aged a decade, or more. I was used to limitations creeping up. But when Steve died it was like open season for everything. Every malady I had accelerated and some new ones jumped on too. I've never been in and out of ERs, clinics, my doc and specialists in my life! Steve became so compromised or disinterested in many things, I took care of him and those too. I don't recall getting sick enough to warrant and real down time the 5 years he battled. I even slept better even tho there was a lot of stress. Now it seems like nature says, well......we have nothing to do now, so let's muck with the survivor. And muck it has. I feel like such an old woman. Mound and groans and gawd forbid Inhave to get down on the floor! I live with a limp now that was once just an achy hip til I got moving. I call it insult to injury. Something decided the mental agony just wasn't enough.

I feel that is very true. I find most people exhausting or I'm just not I sync with the life most people are living. The times I do socialize, it is so much briefer than it was before. I don't like the isolation, but I find many people over stimulating.

I give myself a pass everyday. If I don't need to use it, it's a semi good day. :-)

I've lost track of all of the maladies that have befallen me since.Steve died. I never got sick during the 5 years plus I was his caregiver. It a sick twist to have done and now when I need to be even stronger, my body is so vulnerable.

Cookie, I think there are just times when we each reach a point that living in grief becomes so terribly frustrating, isolating, lonely, sad, depressing, torture, an endless blackness that we all just want to say the hell with it. I don't want it anymore! I don't think it was a reflection on you personally, but a response to days, weeks, months of unwanted companionship with a monster we just want to go away and can't shake off. I know there are days I want to not read or feel it, but yet I come here to remind myself I am not alone. I have noticed that in person I have cut way down on talking about it because it makes it too close. Or if I do, I have to find a 'good' time to do it. Some days we are just too beaten down, have lost sleep or whatever that we withdraw as best we can. But it is always there.