WolfsKat

Gorgeous day, yes.....I'm in Florida, too!

Joyce........that is such a beautifully written tribute to your love.......thank you for sharing that......I think all of us understand that kind of love, and the loss of the person who shared in it with us! Blessings to you, and hopes for some comfort. Kat

Mitch..........I am so sorry you've once again been hit, so hard by a grief burst! They are SO wrenching! My daughter Katie got engaged down here in FL, while visiting me with her (now) fiance, this past spring. I was/am VERY happy for them, and look forward to their wedding. But....I admit.....I felt MY loss hard, remembering Connor and me becoming engaged and planning our wedding/honeymoon....just a few short years ago! We were together 5 years, but married only one year when he passed on. It is difficult to fully enjoy our lives when the person who meant the most to us is gone! I will celebrate at their wedding....I truly am grateful that my daughter will marry a wonderful man, but......Connor won't be there to share the day at my side....and although Katie was not his daughter, he loved her and would've been so thrilled! It does feel as though we "lose" the ability to fully feel joy again.....it is always tinged with our grief. I will hope, and pray, that this will not always be so.......for me, for you, for any/all of us!

Kay, she is beautiful......and I'm certain your grandson will be, as well!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

@JJ660 It sounds as if you have indeed, taken some very good steps to help ease your situation! I hope that when you do speak to your family, that they will be supportive and perhaps offer some good advice....listen, but make certain that any final decisions are yours alone....and do not make them in haste, carefully weigh your options. The weekend "off" from parenting should be a great help to you....all mothers, especially those with infants, need a break now and again! Perhaps your in-laws would be willing to do a weekend a month on a regular basis? That might be beneficial for both you, baby and them.....you get a break, they get to have time with their grandbaby, and she gets to know them, as well. Perhaps just knowing you have that "baby-free" time coming will keep you more relaxed. I also hope that your living situation will improve, and that your widow friend may indeed chose you as a roommate, at least until you are on more settled ground, financially. Keeping you in prayers.....please let us know how you are doing!

Very well put, Kay! While I am, at least externally, doing 'well"....and I can and do have happy moments, there is always that "empty" piece within my soul....the part of me that longs for Connor, misses him intensely, and grieves. I do not think that will ever change, all I can do is accept it and adapt.....and continue on.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!

Marie, I "get" that.......my family, and close friends care for/about me......and realize that I'm grieving. They try to understand, and be helpful.....but, with the exception of my brother's widow, most cannot comprehend the enormity of losing a beloved spouse, especially when they were taken far too soon. I am GLAD they dont "get it".....for that would mean that those that I love would bear this indescribable pain and anguish! I'm very grateful for all of them....but my loneliness is for my husband.....and my struggle is to find a way to deal with that, and make some sort of bearable life without him at my side......I believe, by your post, that you are doing much the same! I wish you, and all of those in this forum, respite from pain, comfort, and a sense of hope for the future!

Hello, Andrea....such a lovely name....I've a daughter named Andrea! Welcome to our group, although I wish you had no need to be a "member"! You describe very well the "roller coaster" of grief that so many of us can understand personally.....at times feeling like we are doing "ok", then, sometimes without warning, getting hit by intense grief that knocks us DOWN. Is your counselor specifically a grief counselor? If the counseling you are getting does not seem at all to help, ask to be referred to another counselor.......sometimes you just need a "good fit". It had to be very traumatic, having witnessed your husband dying in such a manner......I hope that you will look into the many very helpful links that Marty has provided on this website.....many specific to your situation. I also understand the intensity of yearning for them.....it's a spiritual, emotional, and at times, physical ache. I'm glad that you came here......many good people here.....we cannot make your grief "disappear", no magic potion for that.....but we can offer empathy and encouragement without judgement! Hope to see you post again!

Ruth.....I am sure that he knew......just as I'm sure that he appreciated everyday things that you did for him, although not verbalized! You are still early in your grief journey.....and already you say you do feel that life is a little bit easier, that's a good thing! It truly does get somewhat easier.....or at least the acute pain eases enough so that we can function. It is HARD to "do life" alone.....hard to want to live on at times....all one can do is get through each day as best as we can manage, and have some hope that our life, without them, will become "livable" again. I'm glad that the kids/grandkids came over for the game......as it shows you do have family near, and that they wanted to spend that time with you. Be kind to yourself, and please know that you are not alone in feeling this way!

Oh Patty......I hope and pray that this feeling will ease for you! I'm sure Ron will be with you on your trip back east, in spirit....especially since it's a tradition he loved! Holidays, especially Christmas, are the worst, I think.....and the first ones w/out them ARE scary.....new/uncharted territory, so to speak......we knew how to celebrate WITH them, very hard to even imagine feeling any happiness in the holiday alone now. (((((you)))))

Hello Laurie.....and welcome. Your cat Victoria is beautiful....and I'm sure she is a source of comfort for you, as mine are to me. My husband and I both adored cats, and both of our "boys" were rescues. I know they miss "dad"....but they do give me affection and give me "someone" to talk to, strange as I may sound! Here's a pic of our Mandrake, un-posed.....I really DID find him doing this (and he was not supposed to be on the table, the brat!).

For all of us here........xoxo

Gwen......thinking of you.....wishing I could do more than just offering you a virtual ((((((hug))))))) and prayers for peace.

Hello JJ.........heavy burdens you are carrying! If your friends are good ones.....don't remain silent.....LET them know how overburdened and overwhelmed you are feeling! I would want any friend of mine to let me know if she were going through something like this......even if I could not directly help, at least I could listen, and give her someone to vent to.....and, if I COULD help, how could I, if I did not know how things were for her? In addition to your grief over his passing....you could also be having postpartum depression added in.....I had this w/my firstborn.....it CAN last for many months, untreated....and there IS help available. I too, hope you will seek out counseling, it could be a great source of help for you, and a good counselor could help you think through such major decisions as moving or relinquishing your daughter, if these would be the best decisions you could make at this time, for YOU....it seems you have minimal support from either his, or your, families.....so sad. You have SO much on your plate right now, I so hope you will find some respite from the worry, and a measure of peace, asap.

And don't forget tomatoes!!!! I LOVE tomatoes.....preferably on a BLT!

At the very least, an artichoke........lots of great "layers".....and at the center, the wonderful heart! And the avocado is technically a fruit!

Oh....WOW.........Steve, you just brought to my memory what Connor told me, in the days that we were getting to know/love each other.........he always described himself as a lone wolf, howling for someone to end his incredible loneliness.....he loved wolves, and considered them his "spirit animal", even had a beautiful wolf tattoo on his right chest. I like to think.....no, I KNOW, that he met his mate in me! We were both lone wolves who met, loved, and had our own small but happy pack! Thank you for reviving that memory.....and, you are far from an "emotional vegetable"........I've seen such progress, and hope, and love in your posts........you've given me a bit of hope for a future in which this horrendous pain might ease a bit......bless you for that!

I hate shopping, now, as well......Connor and I really enjoyed going to thrift stores to look for "treasures".......especially when traveling on our "adventures".....we'd find something fun/offbeat, or something that was aesthetically pleasing to us....it was much more fun than going to touristy, overpriced shops....the "hunt" was part of the fun of it all. We even enjoyed grocery shopping together.....especially at our favorite ethnic markets, always looking for something intriguing to try out....even the most mundane outing was fun for us, as we enjoyed being together so very much, and we could make an "adventure" out of a trip to the drugstore! We also loved trying out new places to dine out, especially ethnic.....usually using a Groupon or Living Social deal.....it was so fun discovering new places together! Now......I buy what little I require as quickly as possible, in and out. I've attempted to go to a few thrift stores......but it hurts to see something he'd have gotten a kick out of.....and I find myself looking for him (he'd always wander off on his own). And no interest in dining out, alone......I gave the half dozen Groupon deals we'd purchased right before he went to hospital away to others. I've zero interest in my home. Keep it tidy as I can.....but knowing that I will be moving back to Michigan, I see no meaning in working on the stuff we'd started together. I can only hope that I can "get back" some of my happiness and interest in things I used to love......it seems, right now, to have died with Connor. It's so damn hard.......I was content being alone before we met......but now? Having shared a full, happy and bonded life with Connor......I am now NOT content/happy! And I do not want another.....so.....it will certainly take some doing to find some peace with my life, as it is now. The "aloneness" hurts.

I "get that", Kay.......like this saying that I saw online.....

Funny...........before I read this thread, I never really thought about the "reversal" much......if I'd been the one to go, first. Honestly? I think it would have devastated Connor entirely. He was rather paranoid about something happening to me....he would worry about it......every day, when I left for work, he would say "Please be safe and come back to me!" When I had a cancer scare (tumors found in breast & neck), he was terrified to the point that he needed anxiety med dosages upped. He would say, "Don't go anywhere on me".....which meant please don't die and leave me alone. Connor had a gentle and loving soul, but he'd been so afraid of being hurt again, he'd become rather a hermit until we found one another. Every day, he told me, he thanked God for me. If I'd died.....he'd have been shattered, and I have doubts he'd have lived long....he said as much, more than once. I was/am the stronger, emotionally, of us.....resilient, a tough ol' bird. But.....losing Connor has knocked me down, HARD. While I AM struggling to go on, as he'd wish, and make a life w/out him.....even try to "be happy"......I do not think I will ever get back being able to roll with the punches.....this blow was too damn hard. All I can do is muddle on day to day....baby steps towards a new/uncertain/solitary future.

That's very true.....I did cry a bit in front of my grandgirls.....not sobbing, but tears that would not stop......when the eldest asked (age 6) why I was sad, I told her that sometimes you just miss the people up in heaven and wish they were here......she looked very serious, and then said...."like when my friend moved far away and she's not gonna come back, right?" Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I was raised in a family that did NOT show strong emotion.....especially publicly....it was just not "done". I recall clearly, at age 10, breaking into a huge crying fit after the close of my beloved grandma's funeral (I'd held it in all through the service).....and my mother grabbing my arm and hissing in my ear to STOP it, right NOW!!!! My Mom did not mean to be harsh.....this was just the way my family was.....stiff upper lip & all of that. But......it bothered me enough to stick with me, all of these years!

Dear Finch.......I do not think ANY of us think we have "amazing advice" (well, Marty may be the exception, of course!)........believe me, just "listening"......sharing your thoughts & feelings......giving sincere sympathy and understanding........letting others vent their true feelings, and empathizing.....THIS is what is amazing, and so appreciated!

One year ago today....I was a wife, then I became a widow. One year ago today, I lost the man I'd waited and hoped for, for over a half a century. One year ago today, I learned the true depths of anguish and loss. One year ago today, my world was shattered. One year ago today.....I hoped and prayed to die also. One year ago today........I lost my faith. One year ago today....the world suddenly became dark, and meaningless. One year ago, today.......I lost my beloved husband, Connor Carroll Clark. And, although I am working towards a "new" (not better) life for me.....and hoping I can make it meaningful....(because he would wish it)....I KNOW that I will never be as happy as I was when I shared a life with him.....although I am grateful for the time we DID have (less than 5 years)......it hurts to know, with certainty, that the happiest time of my life is.....over.....one year ago, today. I will miss my Connor for what's left of my time on this plane.......achingly, endlessly.......this will not be assuaged until my time here is also over and I can be with him again. This is my favorite picture of my Connor, I took it a few years ago........on the beach, at the ocean, where he was the happiest.......I have no more words.