Kieron

Exactly. Likely it will be learned in the School of Hard Knocks. As for you, it sounds like you have a master's degree from the University of Life! 👍

Yep, that's my view and I get ticked off with certain viewpoints who think everyone that has misfortune befall them should just get themselves out of their troubles. Not always so easy when you're in the thick of it. Kay, I am a licensed social worker in community based services in the area of adult mental health. Now you see why I was so disgusted with the one Carol mentioned? There's a thing called "least restrictive setting" in which a person having difficulty isn't automatically placed into a higher level of care like a care home, unless warranted and there is no other option, and only with client choice. Choice is or should be paramount. Depending on the state and county resources, she could have been given in-home services to help her cope and maintain independence, rather than giving up everything she knew including memories of her husband, their home, and all the things they had. And that bed she just bought, and so on. Insane. Maybe we have it good here or something in my state, but to me that's unfathomable, to uproot someone like that, rather than let them remain at home where they want to be, with visiting supports.

Well put!

I think this person mistakenly believed this was a "live" forum where people would respond in real time. I got a pair of "hey" messages as if expecting me to be instantly available, like texting. Oh well! 🤷‍♂️

Ah, so you're "not poor enough" to qualify for Medicaid but your income isn't enough to live on either, especially if you cannot work or can't get a job. it's terrifying how many people fall into this category and many people don't realize it until it happens to them (that's a lot like grief, come to think of it!). I see this so often in my line of work, it rather makes me anxious knowing what could be in store for me down the line if things do not improve for us all. I really hope your therapist can educate themselves on resources. That council/agency on aging should be able to refer you to additional resources, or help you set up services, even if it's nothing more than getting on a wait list for subsidized or affordable housing. they are indeed scarce and it's wise to get on lists now and let that "stew" while you work on smaller steps. Do you qualify for supplemental nutrition assistance from your state or county? It used to be called Food Stamps, or Food Support. Sometimes they allow extra $ to people who are on a diet for medical reasons, like soft foods in your case. That's the thing about depression, it saps your energy, as does grief, and we know they go hand in hand.

This has me smacking my forehead in dismay. This is NOT a helpful piece of advice that social worker gave you, and while it was probably well-intentioned, it was precisely counter to what you as the client/recipient of services should be getting in terms of support. You lost your independence as well as your husband and your personal things. Client choice is paramount and ALWAYS should be free of pressure from service providers! Regret is a bitter pill to swallow. 🙁 I'm so sorry this person appeared to pressure you to leave what you knew, to move to a more restrictive setting. When we're grieving, we're more susceptible to pressure from others. it might be this is what happened here. That said, Kay's suggestions are great, including the part about Medicaid. In my state there are services paid for by our version of Medicaid (it's called Medical Assistance) for people in your situation. it won't cover everything but it can provide visiting support in helping you make decisions about what to do next, locate resources, etc. Sometimes when people are caught in the midst of depression, anxiety, grief etc their thinking is not the clearest. Sometimes just having someone in your corner is enough to get through the weeks. Looks like you're in Pennsylvania, possibly, so I might suggest looking here: https://www.rtor.org/directory/mental-health-pennsylvania/

i can't speak to much of this due to not really having this kind of experience, but i will say this: it's never wise to argue by text messaging. So very many non-verbal signals, context clues, eye-gaze, body-language etc. are missing from texting, whereas with face to face arguments, you can see one another. You often can "read" the other person's emotional state when you are there with them. Furthermore, with text messages, you have the temptation of reviewing the texts over and over again, thereby re-triggering pain caused by hurtful words. It's just a bad idea, in my opinion.

Hello, I'm sorry you are going through this personal devastation, and sorrier that no one has yet replied, but I'm sure someone will, soon. I don't know why some guys do such things. You're right, if he wanted to go and didn't want to be with you, he could have said so and left, and then you would be feeling a cleaner break-- sad and brokenhearted, yes, but you would have a clear demarcation or a "clean break" where he snapped off the connection and left you. Instead, you have a ragged, raw wound that has had all kinds of salt poured into it, by things like his parents' reports of what he had said about you (they should have kept it to themselves) and of course waking up and finding he had died in his sleep. No wonder you feel so shredded emotionally and mentally. I'd say you have every right to feel that way. I'm pretty sure Marty has some articles on grief without closure and disenfranchised grieving that she will be along to post soon. For now, if you can, try to treat yourself gently and realize that you didn't do anything wrong. He was the unhappy one, the one who was flirting and sexting with exes and other women, looking for a way to fill that void in himself and failing to realize what a jewel he had already. That's classic behavior, the old "grass is greener" thing. It's on him, but unfortunately, you're left holding the pieces, many of which are your own broken heart.

Hello, and welcome. Those firsts always get to you: the first week, first month, first 6 months, first year, first birthday, anniversary, holiday... it just goes on endlessly, all the ways that society, other people, movies and TV and newspapers, simple everyday life, and even God... all conspire to remind us of who and what we lost. For you, the loss is fresh and raw, and will be for quite some time. And it's more than okay to be angry with God or fate or the universe or what-have-you. Anger is a natural response and all of us here who have lost a partner, GF/BF, spouse or significant other, have felt that way numerous times, I'm sure, even toward the person who died as well as toward the circumstances surrounding the death. I'm certain others will come along and offer support in their own ways.

Although I am quite a way away from being eligible for Medicare, I know from dealing with it at work that 1-800-MEDICARE by phone or online www.medicare.gov are very helpful in understanding how it works. Also, if you wish, you can go here https://www.medicare.gov/forms-help-resources and select your state and be presented with a list of trained, qualified advisors who will answer questions in plain English. It's their job to guide confused people through the maze. Don't be afraid to "bother them" or ask silly questions. They have heard it all and they know it's confusing. With time and experience, they know how to cut through the legalese and lay it out in understandable ways. However, as Kevin said, it's really a frustrating thing to pay into the system all your working life and when you need it, you STILL have to pay. Don't get me started on the "donut hole" in Medicare! Often, private insurance will cover some things and Medicare covers the rest, or one takes priority over the other. Sometimes people can get Medicaid AND Medicare, depending on their condition(s), and whatever Medicare doesn't cover, Medicaid does cover. Medicaid is known in some states as Medical Assistance, but it's for really poor people with few or no assets. Generally the fewer assets you have, the more help you get. But as soon as you start making your way forward, they yank the assistance away so that you end up back on the dole. It's insidious and many people give up and just stay there. ☹️ They'll take it into account once they're elderly or become disabled. But by then it's too late. However I can see it because I'm right there with the person. Don't know how many times I've wanted to smack some smug-faced agency rep or clerk or pharmacist or whatever and say, "You have no idea how many hoops this person had to jump through just to get here! Not everyone can just hop in a car and come on down to this place in the middle of nowhere, no bus line, no mass transit! Not every person has high speed internet or is tech-savvy enough to wade through all your phone maze options, in rapid fire speech that they can't hear or can't process as quickly as you or I can!"

Hello, I am sorry you had to go through this experience. I'm not sure when your dad passed away, but think we can all agree that the panic, anxiety and stress related to returning to the hospital is very understandable and natural. I mean, a person does form associations between a traumatic event and where it happened, when it happened, etc. It took me a long time to be able to even drive past the hospital, in my case, without wanting to cry, and if the time comes when I would have to go inside, it will be difficult. I don't know whether you know this, but doctors have gotten into hot water over controlled substances like Xanax and other mood-altering and pain-killing substances, especially in the US, due to the opioid abuse epidemic. Their licensure can be on the line if there are questions about writing prescriptions inappropriately. And some doctors, due to their philosophy, have moral objections to medications like Xanax and whatever else. Or they worry about a patient building a tolerance to the drug(s), or potentially mixing them with alcohol, etc. Sometimes regular people who are in temporary pain (emotional, physical) seeking relief are then caught up in the craziness that goes along with controlled medication. There's also a noticeable tendency toward judging and condemning of people in pain, as if they deserve it. It's crazy. You sound like a responsible person who knows what's what, and not the addictive personality she's making you out to be. Maybe someone else here will have something to add.

Exactly. Well put.

This struck me as being true for me also. I can manage it for work-purposes and one-on-one interactions but as soon as it's 3 or more people (not that this happens much anymore), I am uneasy, feeling cornered, waiting for what, exactly... I don't know. I noticed it in the days after Mark's passing. It hasn't improved. Maybe it's just how I am, already an introvert but it's been made more pronounced or significant or something. Maybe because we know the interaction is, by nature, fleeting, and it's going to be over soon and therefore why get too involved or attached, in some way? Like the post-party letdown. Something like that.

I am definitely more afraid than I used to be. I don't like it one bit.

I don't really like to say too much about myself in some ways, but i thought you all might be a bit startled to learn that I live about a mile from the murder that started it all, one week ago today. Since then the city has been rocked and shaken by peaceful protests that were later infiltrated, it appears, by outsiders who came to loot, smash and incite riot the following night. The smoke, shots fired, chemical odors from burning buildings and cars, was all around us 2 nights later, and it spread the 3rd night to a location even closer, before the National Guard finally showed up the fourth night and dispersed rioters and people out past curfew. So I'm now experiencing a kind of grief watching my city burn and seeing landmarks, businesses and things that have always been here for the 20+ years I've lived here, burned to the ground or smoke-damaged, boarded up etc. it's horrific. Last night was quieter but still some arson in other parts of town toward black-owned businesses, so we know it's outsiders trying to stir things up. And night is coming again and we'll all wonder if it will start again. I have a beginning of a sense of empathy for people in a war zone. ☹️

I agree with Gwen and Kay, and haven't I observed more than once that some of your wordings are "keepers"? 😄

I can understand that, but at the same time, you're entitled to feel that way.

These memorials and funerals after the death of your wife are certain to stir up residual grief. It did when my grandmother passed away. I was asked to be a pallbearer and initially agreed but on the day of it, I had to back out. Of course, for her generation, the expectation was the Catholic funeral and so on, including the platitudes, divine plan etc. we mention here. She had had a long life so the feeling was different, but still the reverberations rattled me. It became clear to me that I should expect this rattling to be a lifelong reality.

Yesterday was a bad one. Just some random hits, a bit like being body-slammed, of recollecting that yes, this is real, and yes, this has happened. It's difficult to believe how 3 years passed. I'm at the point where I have to stop and add up the years. I wonder what that signifies. I think part of yesterday was reading an online newspaper article about a police officer or peace officer who was shot by a sniper in 1970, in Minnesota, and died. The article had a photo of his widow and their 3 adult kids she raised alone. There was a "rolling memorial" by her house, versus in the cemetery (there's that Covid thing again) and the chief of police presented her with roses in his memory. In the photo, she was shown in profile, with the classic hand-to-mouth gesture that we know so well. And I thought, 50 years, and the grief is still there. And then I received a photo from Mark's cousin who sent me a picture of the sapling tree planted in his memory. It's leafing out beautifully and has more branches than when I was there to visit 18 months ago. I'm glad it made it through the winter. So I guess that's something.

Hello, Marty and Kay have responded with wonderful advice as usual. 😀 I have no siblings so it is a little hard for me to come from a place of understanding. However, this sentence (above) leaped out at me. People's responses are often so peculiar that I have learned to just "let it slide" and let it be because to take it as a personal insult just wastes my energy and I know they don't know better. But that still doesn't take the sting away from hearing insensitive remarks. A loss is a loss, whether it's due to the virus or not. Also, I suspect people unconsciously want to hear the drama, the gory details etc the same way they want to watch crime shows, documentaries about tragedies etc. Somehow humans want the negative over the positive. By the way your English is far better than my German. 👍

Aww, that's sweet! 🥰 I kind of know what you mean. Whenever I had to do something unpleasant or complete some task, I would remind myself "The worst has already happened. You can do this." Sometimes that helped. 🙁

Found elsewhere, felt it was worth re-posting.

Welcome, Dropstereo, and I am sorry to say this is incredibly common to observe people disappear. I heard the exact same platitudes, only nothing came of these automatic mouthings. Even now if I mention it, people look around nervously, like it's catching. The other day some guy said, "Sorry for your loss. Life is a journey." Just eight words, uttered in almost a monotone, robot style. I reminded myself that the best response to this is silence, versus a verbal smackdown. I so wanted to say, "Did you hear that in a movie or something?" And your loss is so very fresh. It'll be a week soon. Then two weeks. And it goes on. I hope there is some kind of local grief group available for you in some way, perhaps.

haha, I just meant sometimes when it's a professional or work meeting, I wish the participants would take a moment to think about what the background reveals about them: political leanings, hobbies, interests, photos or pictures on the wall. Sometimes I would rather not know. It's like Facebook. I would rather not know what my aunt thinks of this issue or my distant relative thinks of that controversy.

Agree, I don't like it much. It's hard to hear clearly most times and sometimes I get glimpses into people's personal life that i'd rather not have.