Kieron

Welcome to the group, although welcome often seems almost an inappropriate word at times, but I guess it's all we have. There isn't any "how" to feel. You just feel whatever you feel, as it comes, when it comes. And you get through this raw experience moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. As George says, grieving takes energy, and at 5 weeks, it's pretty fresh, so expect any, all or just some of the effects he describes, and expect them to come and go at will. In the face of this loss, it's very okay to not get some things done, not be unable to concentrate, because your thoughts are very much occupied with absorbing the reality of a huge void in your life. I was advised by a Native American acquaintance, early on in my loss journey, that in her culture, and in another way of life, I would have been excused from any and all social obligations for an entire year. Unfortunately, modern life doesn't give us that time. Add to it this new social isolation, well you can hardly be blamed for being at a complete loss for how to perceive this new normal. None of this is normal, anymore! Just know we're listening and we get it.

There's another well-turned phrase that captures the feelings. Love it! 😍

I find this simple phrase leaping out at me. Wow. That is so eloquent and to-the-point. Is my past and was my future. The way you transposed the is and the was just makes my writer's heart shiver. Did you intend to put it this way? Or was it just happenstance? Yes, this tiny bit has done wonders, for sure! 😊

Physical memories such as this are common, I'm finding. The angle of the sunlight this time of year has reminded me of the sinking, wrenching and gutted-out feeling I had that afternoon of the day he died, when I got home from the hospital, after. The light on the wall at this time of year is exactly the same. So I understand hating this reminder. It's probably a lot like the way certain scents become associated with an event.

Gwen, is this person projecting her own "stuff" onto you? Browbeating is particularly nasty. I used to work around someone who was like that, and the environment (and she was in charge and she let you know it) became so toxic that I had to leave or become ill or depressed. Ugh!

Thank you, Dee. it's the result of years of practice. There is a stylus used in this method that delivers very fine lines, for precision. And you won't see the bad ones. LOL My first two I still have in a box. I take them out sometimes to remind myself how far I have come.

Thank you. I've been doing these for 18+ years now. Kay, it's a real egg, emptied out beforehand. I have ruined too many full ones that cracked and leaked, for various technical reasons, to bother with full ones anymore. Traditionalists only use full ones. in the old days the eggs would dry out over time because the whites would evaporate, leaving the yolk to dry out and rattle inside like a bean or pebble. Nowadays the shells are thinner b/c of chemicals and pollution etc. so they are more likely to rot inside and explode. No thanks. It's not a stencil. The design is sketched out in pencil very lightly, on the white shell, b/c then you can somewhat erase mistakes. Once you begin to apply hot beeswax with the heated stylus, the wax adheres firmly and will not remove until the end stage. Once you are done with layers of wax and dye, the egg is held next to a candle flame. The beeswax melts off readily, and you can gently wipe it away, revealing the design. It's a tedious, laborious process but when it turns out well, the feeling of accomplishment is unmatched! 😎 Marg, tell her they are called pysanky. Singular, the word is pysanka. She can find online groups where tricks and tips and styles and how-to's can be found. I learned a lot from experienced people this way, as well as my own mistakes. She can get supplies from several vendors so if she wants references, let me know. I know a lot of people and vendors by now. The cost is minimal, compared to a lot of hobbies! If it's any comfort, I have a slight tremor that I can adjust for (again, practice) and have to use magnification for best results. Ah well.

I don't know how I reached the three year point. But here I am. The strange relief that the pandemic didn't hit during his last month of life... that weird sense of relief is actually more bothersome at the moment, but I am able to put it into context, versus wondering if I had grown too casual about this whole anniversary. If that make sense... At any rate, to distract from the endless noise from anxious people, I turned to my springtime hobby of Ukrainian Easter eggs. Mark found me a starter kit for making these, and at first I was skeptical but once I figured out how, I really got into it. It's very meditative. I hope you enjoy. In the symbolic language of Ukrainian Easter eggs, the star (also referred to as a rose, if there are multiple petals) represents the Sun, warmth and life returning from the darkness of winter. Some say it represents as well as the presence of God or Spirit or whatever you want to call it. The band around the perimeter of the egg is called an eternity band, and (obviously) represents eternity or timelessness. The wave or meander is a classic symbol as well, and can mean water or just eternity. There are infinite ways to design the star on an eggshell, and I find myself returning to it again and again. The method is known as wax resist, and in certain parts of the world it is called batik (think of the colorful saris that Indonesian women wear). It's been in use for generations, reaching back into pre-historic times. The people of what is now Eastern Europe revered the egg, because in a time when winter was hanging on and food was scarce, birds began to lay eggs as the Sun returned, and of course when you crack an egg, what drops out but the Sun! So people associated eggs with the return of life, food and energy for survival, and began to decorate eggs in the springtime, and the eggs gradually took on magical meaning, held powers against evil and misfortune, and they supported the return of warmth, life, food, abundance, and happier times. Then along came Christianity and it blended rather seamlessly with this tradition. There are esoteric or hidden meanings as well which require some study to understand, but it's really quite a fascinating topic for me. I hope this takes your mind off the heaviness of the times, even momentarily.

She's a beauty, all right. I'm sorry for the intense pain you're experiencing and I can only guess how deep your connection to her is. Some people seem to so easily adjust to the loss of a beloved pet, or else they hide it really well. Say, does she have different colored eyes or is it a trick of the light?

I've got that tendency, too,. It's hard for me to make friends, since I prefer a few deeper connections as opposed to many casual acquaintances. So I find myself tolerating just a bit more from some people than I ought to, and if they go too far ( and several have presumed too much, or else they have ghosted me), I pull way back and put them in their place as acquaintances. This new "norm" of social distancing is really putting this in perspective.

Welcome, and sorry that tragic circumstances have brought this to your door, so to speak. Ruined and broken are very apt words. I assure you many more such words will come to mind as the weeks and months go by. Like Kay says, you don't have to traverse this road all in one day. Take it moment by moment, if necessary, as you absorb something that's trying to absorb you at the same time. And it's hurting and going to hurt so much because it's often darn near unbearable at this point. Every little thing will bump your broken heart, as it will for the kids, just like after you smash your thumb with a hammer, every dang movement seems to jostle that poor digit. Give yourselves permission to sit with the feelings, however painful they are at first. I've found that there's no way to the other side of grief but through it. Not away, not under, not over, not to the side, but through. Just know that many of us here really "get it."

I can understand that. I recall classroom discussions of Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which states that human contact is as much a need as food and shelter. Maybe it's not as essential as air and water are for immediate survival, but going without food, shelter and human touch is just a slower death.

It's dawned on me that if this had happened exactly three years ago, Mark's rehab center would have been in lockdown and I wouldn't have been able to visit, at least not without a thorough screening. I'm so glad we're spared this ordeal. As bad as the situation was then, it would be unbearable today.

I, too, am sorry to read about this loss you describe so touchingly. While the one I lost was my partner rather than a parent, I do relate to the guilt and feeling responsible, as it was up to me to give the order for a DNR and to watch him labor to breathe his last, once taken off the ventilator. As you say, it was no fairytale passing. It took an hour of gasping and slowly shutting down. I received a crash-course in Death Education 101 in that mere span of time. I despise watching movies, now, when someone is dying dramatically on-screen in mere moments. If only it were so easy, as if falling asleep Even with my new understanding, it took me a lot longer to really learn what we are never told until it's too late: that the dying person often begins to disengage, to lose their grip on the world around them, or even intentionally withdraw, even from loved ones, as if trying to prepare us, or as if they are wanting to be free of a body that had simply worn out. And it takes a lot of energy for them to do this, leaving them with little left over for communication. Of course this is a generalization... but I really regret not knowing this and other things. It would have eased so many difficult moments in that final day or two. As Glen so eloquently states, he made a choice, you made a choice, as did I --with the best instincts, with the best information we had at the moment. Remember also that includes being a member of a society that simply refuses to equip us with the knowledge of the one thing that comes, eventually, for every last one of us.

I don't even know what to say in response, since "I'm sorry" is inadequate and doubtless you have heard it all in a dozen ways, each one feeling more fingernails-on-chalkboard than the last. But I get the anger you express, the soul-loss you describe. It's real. it's a thing. Even at 3 years and 8 months, it's as fresh and raw as ever for you. I just wonder if there's a LEO spouse survivor group anywhere nearby. It's important to be around people who really get the extra "layers" that come with such a loss as yours. Not everyone will be able to understand the "world" of law enforcement. In my experience, the first group I joined was okay, but not a good fit because as nice as these bereaved folks were, there were certain realities I have to deal with daily, that are simply not within their life experiences. I would have had to explain to them what happened in my loss story and I would have been resentful and angry at having to even spell it out for them. I didn't and don't have the time or patience to explain things. Fortunately a more appropriate group started up a year ago. It's only once month, though. ☹️ I wish the same level of support for you wherever you are.

Mitch, In T.S. Eliot's 1922 poem The Waste Land, he writes that "April is the cruelest month," but for you and I, and countless others, that distinction belongs to the month of March.

Think of it this way: Grief's horizons stretch into the distance, further than you or I can see. She's just starting out on this lifelong journey. She's barely taken 10 steps. Right now she's in the thick of it. People do strange things when they're grief-crazed. I know I did.

For whatever it's worth, in my opinion, an engagement ring likely would have felt like another burden to her, or some form of pressure from yet another direction. You did the right thing by not adding a ring into the picture.

As time goes by, I'm noticing how often there is significant collateral damage occurring in the wake of any death.

Don't "they" say something about how the light gets into your eyes? I'm noticing that the angle of the afternoon sunlight is approaching the same angle as it was toward the end of March, when I had come home from the hospital, afterward. in that daze we all know so well (the one we wish we didn't have to get acquainted with) where all you can do is just sit in a chair staring at the slanting square of light coming through a window. It's almost the same at this time of year, while I don't notice it other times. Funny how you notice such things in the midst of personal tragedy, as if Time has both taken a pause and taken flight, stretching out like the stars do, when the spaceship accelerates into hyperspace.

Since I deal with Medicare off and on in my line of work, I have a sneak preview of what I'm in for, about 20 years in advance (now you have an idea how old I am 🤪). Just in case anyone is unaware, you can get plain-English guidance by calling 1-800-MEDICARE (1-800-633-4227) and visit medicare.gov where, in the FAQ sections, you can select your state and talk to a knowledgeable person who is trained in Medicare rules , coverage, plans and so forth. They've heard every "dumb question" under the Sun, so don't ever hesitate to ask! This stuff is confusing!

I'm in agreement with Kay, there's nothing "wrong" with you. You're responding to the void that opened up in your life with the loss of your father. Then, moving to a new country and knowing no one and having no one to lean on for support, and then your cat getting sick... it all just adds to the stress level. We aren't designed to be isolated from other humans, but the fact of the matter is, in these times, we often are isolated. As for fear and being afraid, I think that is a perfectly natural response to shockwaves coming from the one-two-three punches you describe in your life.

This reminds me of something rattling around in my head. maybe it's because it's my work performance anniversary/review time and I am conscious of "where I'm at" in life and wondering whether I want to keep doing this and wondering where I want to go from here. One thing I notice in my day-to-day job (ie something like a public health nurse/case manager) which requires weekly home visits with folks who are struggling with depression (or other mental health condition) and the ripple-effect on their lives (like just getting the simplest thing done such as keeping their health insurance active so they don't fall through the cracks). That observation rattling around in my head is this: As I go through my own "stuff" in my personal life, more and more I am able to relate to them and their struggles, feelings, overwhelm etc. and can then approach it from a standpoint of real understanding and support. Many of my co-workers are younger folks fresh out of college. As the old work-horse of the bunch, I'm able to give them a reality check if it seems warranted. Disclaimer: the following paragraph is not directed at anyone, doesn't refer to anyone, and is a very general observation of *some* apparent scenarios from 14 years of doing this kind of work. I notice some educated professionals tend not to have a personal or deep understanding of their own patients' struggles. Young, mobile, tanned and super-healthy doctors telling patients to eat right, exercise... slim, snappy-dressed and glowing dietitians talking about diet and weight loss... peppy and energetic therapists/counselors telling patients about mood and depression.... cheerful, enthusiastic and well-educated psychiatrists prescribing medications they themselves would never condescend to swallow... fresh-faced case managers telling clients how to feel better and get stuff done in life, when just picking up the phone to make a necessary call saps the energy right out of the client. The paradoxes in the above are just striking, you know what I mean?... I think some of this is influenced by what my own clients have told me. But i think I can safely say that I sort of "get" where my own clients are coming from, in ways that perhaps my own peers don't or can't. It simultaneously makes my job easier and harder. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think of it like a sliver that became embedded in the skin. Sooner or later the sliver is ejected by the body. We don't usually worry about whether that's normal or not, right? It just is. But our society is not very good about understanding or dealing with emotions. Some people say emotions lodge deep within the physical tissues of the body until they are dealt with and released. Sounds like you've been able to make a lot of progress in examining this situation from the past, though. Sometimes we just need feedback from others who won't be dismissive or judgmental. 😊