Kieron

Yeah, I have seen enough and heard enough to know that people do this because they're bored, or trying to divert attention from whatever shenanigans they are secretly up to! People! 🙄

Correct, you can decline it if you have a secondary in place, but you do need to get all the facts before declining. I believe if you change your mind, you have to wait until open enrollment-- which could be a long wait. It's messy and confusing, to be sure! One resource I've used with clients is this one: SHIP -- State Health Insurance Assistance Program Receive personalized health insurance counseling by calling Toll Free: (800) 562-6900

Gwen, From what I know of you, you are (and were while you physically could do so) a very giving person, giving of your time and presence as well as tangible items. Could you not look at the above as a "return" on your efforts? I firmly believe what goes around comes around, even if it takes a long time to do so. Maybe the offers of a meal, companionship, bags of essentials, etc signify the energy (if you want to think of it that way) returning to you. Or think of it in terms of Newton's Third Law, the conservation of momentum, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. ☺️ As for masks, I haven't said much about it here but I will say while I see the sense in them from an epidemic standpoint, the fact remains--- they make it hard to hear what people say. I have some hearing loss and the whole mouth covering thing has been almost tailor-made to make my life one layer harder. I really do rely heavily on lip-reading. People already mumble and now it's made worse. And being unable to read expressions is like a deadening of the senses. I saw this mask thing coming from miles away and dreaded it becoming widespread, and it is here. I half-expected that with the coming of masks, I would be more likely to make eye contact, but the opposite is true. This whole thing is cutting us off from one another. ☹️

For whatever it's worth, I think you are miles ahead of most people who don't even know that "disenfranchised grief" is real and that it has a name. In some ways, I can relate. When asked if I am married, I say "no" and leave it at that. It's true, after all. I mostly don't have the energy to elaborate, or else I don't want to spend the time reading the situation and see if it warrants further explanation.

Thanks, Marty, but I think Darrell was the one who pointed out the switchback metaphor when I first arrived here. Either Darrell or George/IPraise Him. 😊

😂 Oh Marg.

This is exactly right. Grief is exhausting, especially in the early days. It's hard work but the work goes on in the heart, mind and spirit, and the body can only reflect that by needing extra rest, sleep if possible, and food and water. There's a reason we call it the grief journey.

Welcome, and I am sorry you are going through this, and Kay has offered a lot of good feedback. I will say that I caught my breath when I read this part: Um, okay... despite people lashing out and saying unkind things out of grief, I'm going to assume your wife was an adult, capable of making her own decisions. How were you somehow in control of her diet, eating, exercise, etc.? Ultimately it comes down to her own decision making processes. To decide not to do the diet, the exercise, the whatever--even that is a decision. My partner was heavy but was trying to reduce weight over years to avoid a bypass, and toward the end of his life, he was choosing to enjoy foods he should not have, being on a renal diet. It was almost the only pleasure in life he had. It wasn't excessive, but it wasn't helping either. Was I responsible to monitor him all hours, police his choices? Of course not. I did try to get him to try some kind of movement, over the years, and he did make some attempts off and on, but ultimately, I guess, the painful joints and the rest of it made it easier to just become more sedentary. On the other hand, you are no doubt wrestling with guilt, regret etc. all on your own, and the in-laws' comments and attitude aren't helping matters. When you describe going through the 5 stages of grief, please keep in mind that we all cycle through them, back and forth, over and over, reaching one stage only to seemingly fall back or regress to an earlier one. Marty would be a better advisor on this but I remember reading that Kubler-Ross's "5 Stages" is actually intended for the person who is in the dying process, but somehow it's become applied to the survivors and loved ones of the person, as well. Like everything, the concept evolves and grows over time and we have learned more about grieving that we didn't know decades ago. In the meantime, I notice it's been just 30 days since you lost her. You're going to be emotionally raw, bleeding inside for awhile, as anyone would be. Go easy on yourself in these early days, and know that the intensity does not last forever. It does soften, as we say around here, but the grief itself will probably always be in the back of your mind, coming forward every so often to be acknowledged in some way.

@huntersbAll of what you describe is very common, natural and to be expected. What looks like regression is one of many switchback roads that we encounter on this journey, where the road doubles back on itself and you could swear you were just here a bit ago. It appears the date of your loss was about 2 months ago, and I would like to suggest that you be very gentle with yourself yet. These realizations of what was lost, what can never be again, will hit you over and over again. Special days, anniversaries, holidays etc all will come marching on and you will find yourself swamped all over again. It is hard to be isolated, and in these times it's even more pronounced when you can't be around others. Grieving in these times is magnified many times over, it seems. 🙁

A butterfly appeared in the immediate vicinity of the place where I was preparing to scatter Mark's ashes about 2 years ago, just a flitting orange and white thing that alighted briefly, fanned its wings a few times, and took off again. It wasn't a monarch, but after some quick research, I concluded it was a species of small butterfly called Question Mark. 🙂

It's horribly unfair, and it was during the months after Mark died that I came to fully understand the truth of the old saying "Only the good die young." We're stuck with the meanies and the jerks and all the awful people, and worse, it seems. i don't understand it at all.

I am sorry to read about this tumultuous and upsetting experience you are having. I often encounter people who tell me that they have argued or fought over the medium of texting and I just want to shake my head. It's an unfortunate choice because much can be misconstrued and left out in haste, and context clues and body language are missing, and worst of all, you can easily re-read the hurtful words and feel upset all over again. I suspect you're right. Then everyone would be on the same page and there would be no she-said/she-said and chances for misunderstanding or assumptions. I guess, since I come from a large family in which various people were always having a falling out, or triangulation was always occurring, I noticed how not to argue.

Yes, the shoulds are so common, so maddening, so helplessness-inducing. You can drive yourself around the bend asking "why?" to questions that will never be answered. I think it's safe to say we have all been there, and I am sorry for each of you, Smpl0409 and Tamera, because the loss is very fresh and I remember the feeling very well, 3+ years later. Recently, the weather has been so hot that it's impossible to sleep upstairs, so the other night, I came downstairs to sleep on the couch where it's cooler. I couldn't stay for long, though, because lying there reminded me of the night of the day that Mark died--the first night of the rest of time. I couldn't sleep then, feeling ripped up inside, stomach churning and shell-shocked, and came downstairs to this same couch and just lay staring into space and didn't sleep more than a wink or two that first night of many. I wish you some measure of peace, each of you.

That's puzzling, Marg... the whole story of "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" is an allegory. Aslan submitting himself to the ritual murder by the White Witch and her minions, and being resurrected at dawn and found alive and unharmed by the two girls Lucy and Susan, and then bringing resurrection to all the people of Narnia who had been turned to stone by the Witch, all that is a metaphor right out of that self-same Bible. How much plainer can it get? And people often don't think about things until those things affect them directly in some way. You can almost never go back and "un-see" once your eyes are opened to the world. Some can, I suppose...

I'm so sorry, Gwen. The approach of it is the thing, isn't it. I dread the time when my cat will reach this point. She's around 13 years old by now, still spry and into everything, but it'll happen one day, and she's the only other living thing here with a connection to Mark. I don't see her much these days as the near-constant booming from people setting of fireworks around here drives her into hiding. They start this crap in June and it goes on all month. Her hearing is so acute she actually runs from rustling or crinkling plastic instead of thinking of it as a treat.

Hello, while I have no experience with the alcoholism dynamic you are going through, I wanted to respond to these 2 sentences. I believe you can do both things. When you connect with others who are going through similar things, even if you're further along or in different places in your journey, your own healing process continues. I noticed this when I joined a support group locally, before all the Covid stuff began. It's possible you could distract yourself from doing your own work, but that would only be true if you chose to engage in a co-dependent, caretaking relationship with these other people and actively ignored your own issues to focus on theirs. And I think if you are mindful of proper boundaries and treat everyone with respect and kindness, but avoid 'drama,' you will be fine. I hope that makes sense.

Thanks, Kay, but it's mostly accumulated wisdom from others, from my own life, from watching clients make mistakes, and my own mistakes. And those memes I posted are simply things that rang very true and I saved them as reminders to myself or others. I wish whatever wisdom I possess would carry over to figuring out the next stage of my life. But that's another post elsewhere, not in the middle of this person's post about heartbreak, although come to think about it, it's a kind of heartbreak of its own-- this feeling like I'm outgrowing the place I've lived in for over 20 years.

While I am a guy, I wouldn't be behaving that way but that's just not how I am wired. I hate being manipulated and I try hard not to do it to other people, and if there is something I want from the other person, I try to ask upfront or I keep my thoughts to myself. That's why I advised changing your number. Seeing the person's name or number come up, or being able to re-read their messages, just re-opens the wound, at least for me, and it sounds like you are noticing that, too. That's why I tell my clients at work to never, ever argue with another person via text messaging! You miss clues, cues and context, and an argument can drag on for days, and so much can be misinterpreted through written words, and you can keep reliving the pain by rereading the damned messages. It's just a bad idea. Maybe you can block the number if it's inconvenient to change yours? Just shut the door on him the way you would if he were coming to your actual door. Oh, and by the way...

I'm sorry to say this but he's manipulating you. I would recommend changing your phone number. Don't leave the door open to let him continue disturbing the peace you have begun to make in your heart.

And that quip in another thread, Marg, where you ended with "Word salad. Hold the dressing." I cracked up when I read that! That's priceless! Especially after a rather crappy day. 🤣

Just read some ingredient labels for awhile, long enough to compose myself and for him to exit the store. I think in retrospect, since he had a face mask on in the store, it wasn't noticeable I found myself in line behind him.

Not a good day today.... It occurred to me this morning that I am now the same age as Mark was when we met in 1998. As if that weren't enough, I was in a grocery store earlier today and noticed someone who vaguely resembled him, from the side and from a distance, but didn't think much of it until we happened to converge in the checkout line, him getting in ahead of me. Resemblance turned into identical from that perspective, right down to a his balding spot and slight tear in his polo shirt at the shoulder seam (a long story, some other post some other day). I had to turn around and go to the other end of the store to compose myself. That was a first real live doppelganger I've encountered so far in these last 3+ years. I've heard of this happened to other people but it was a first for me.

I kept noticing a lot of unanswered posts this past month or so. Nothing worse than joining a forum and posting, and feeling ignored. Hope these new folks don't take it as such! It takes some courage to join a forum, sometimes.

I am sorry that you lost your dad so recently. Working through it is different for each individual and changes in sleep, appetite and other ordinary activities are often noted in the days and weeks and months afterward.

I love it. 🥰