Kieron

The weight loss thing is probably pretty common. I know I lost quite a bit in the last weeks of his life, and the weeks afterward. Even though my appetite never really changed, I kept feeling like I was starving. It was such a strange feeling. It wasn't until later that I realized that there is really is such a seasoning as Love, an ingredient that makes everything taste better. After 3+ years, I don't notice it as much, but I'll never take that feeling for granted, ever again. As for the bad images, which I take to mean flashbacks, yes, those are very much a thing. Your psyche witnessed powerful events that leave a lasting impression and they're bound to bring you flashbacks. Since you have mentioned your faith path more than once, some of the suggestions I sometimes give others won't mesh real well with it. Maybe others here have some ideas, but until then, I assure you what you are noticing is definitely an aftereffect of what you went through. It's hard, I know. 🙁

Good advice and the way I was taught was to use "I statements." in case you aren't aware, I statements are worded so that you state how you feel or are affected by the situation. "It bothers me when I see/hear/watch/realize this about you, mom." Or "I am hurt and upset to know that you are already dating someone." You want to avoid starting off with "You..." because it sounds attacking, in a way. By doing the I statements, you don't unintentionally sound accusing or hostile (even if you feel exactly that way!) and then the other person can respond without reacting or flipping out or going into retaliation mode.

I have those regrets, too. I think everyone does, even if they don't care to admit it.

That's an excellent movie, one of the few I watch every so often. "Eternally together, eternally apart." The male lead, Rutger Hauer, died within the last 9 months, as I recall. Michelle Pfeiffer is still around, looking gorgeous as always.

Yeah that's partly why I feel like I "should" sell this place because I don't want to deal with the kitchen --which could use an upgrade. The last time we did a major remodel, things went south with the contractors. The original guy split with his business partner, who took over, but then that one disappeared with a down payment, then some jerk who worked with him showed up to take over the job, but also flaked after starting the demo. I took all three of 'em to small claims court in 3 different counties, about 8 years ago, and won each case by default b/c the jerks never showed up in court. Then I went through the state Department of Labor & Industry to recover my court costs and my money, and got a whole new crew to finish what was left undone. 🙄 If the day comes where I do such a major project again, I will screen everyone so well, they'll feel like they are being pressed through a cheesecloth! But in all honesty I probably won't do it. I don't have the energy anymore.

Yeah, I know what you mean. In times past, when going on vacation north, almost to the Canadian border, we'd pass through small towns and cities, and see houses here and there where it was clear the roof was in need of repair, or the siding needed to be replaced, or windows clearly had seen better days. I used to wonder why people didn't just spiff up their property, unless it was a matter of no funds or fixed income, which I could understand. Now I suspect it's more along the lines of, "oh, well." Sometimes the mere thought of dealing with the hassle, the contractors, the noise and mess, etc. is enough to make you exhausted.

For whatever it's worth, I think it speaks well of you that you reached out at all. Many people don't, and suffer in silence.

Can you perhaps turn this statement around and consider it from another angle: by living by the beach you will, just possibly, be honoring his memory and living the life he would have wanted to? Or that he might want you to honor him in this way? Certainly, it could stir up more pain, tears and sadness, but in my view, you'd be experiencing those emotions no matter whether you stay where you are now, or go live the life. And the ocean's beauty has its subtle magic, as well as the scientifically proven negative ions from the waves, that will soothe you as you sit and stare at the horizon. More on negative ions: How the beach can change our brains.

It's not my place to say whether a person is foolish or not for their decisions. My intuitive sense is that she's testing you to see if you will leave, "like all the rest" that died and left her. Trouble is, being blinded by her own pain, she's forgetting that those others are beyond all pain now and can't be affected by her actions; meanwhile a living and breathing man --you-- is being subjected to this weeks-long roller coaster, full of mixed messages and inconsistent behavior on her part. She may be grieving but it doesn't excuse what you are describing. I hope that she comes to her senses but in the meantime you may want to carve out your own space somewhere else where you can retreat, if and when you decide you have have enough.

I found this TEDx Talk on YouTube and found it useful. It's from 2017, almost 15 minutes, not sure if it was previously posted here. 🙂 She mentions "disguised grief" which can be bitterness, blame, grudges, hostility, negativity, regret, or resentment. Kind of like how depression can result from unexpressed anger, in my opinion.

I, too, am sorry for the passing of your soulmate. Mine was a kidney patient on dialysis for over a decade and while he managed it relatively well (once the situation was finally diagnosed, due to his resistance and denial and procrastination), he didn't always make the best choices in eating or exercising. Sometimes it was a toss-up between enjoying what life had to offer and staying on a strict renal diet. I grew to appreciate how precarious the balancing act is that the kidneys do without our conscious control. I noticed that in certain schools of thought, the kidneys are like a hinge on a door, or like an old-fashioned set of scales, the mid-point where the slightest change can upset the entire system and send it into a tailspin, especially when the kidneys are impaired. The cascade of emotions you are describing are so, so very normal, natural and to be expected, and at just 4 days into this journey that you didn't sign up for, you're numb, in a fog, breathing with difficulty, feeling like your soul was ripped out, all those things... we get it, here. That, too, is understandable, and I've been there, too. Blaming oneself, the one who died, God, anything you can think of... all of it is part of the journey, something you'll probably revisit often, as I did, but it was in the days afterward that I really realized the truth of that old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." I tried to encourage exercise, movement, certainly healthy foods --which I think made the difference and reduced some of the harm --but in the end, he made his choices and all I could do was acknowledge they weren't always the best ones. Something about the nature of men is to resist medical care until it's much too late. I don't know if it's stubbornness or what it is, but it's a reality. I'm sure you did what you could but in the end, it was his decision. I know you wish it were otherwise.🙁

Well... I don't know that they're way out there but they are understandable. And counselors are "supposed to" say that kind of thing. 🙃 Sometimes they say things like that out of desperation for something supportive to say without validating or seeming to encourage self-destructive behavior (which I know you're not hinting at) but because there's this feeling that they're supposed to have answers to make thing better and when there's nothing TO say, they still have to say *something*. Does that make sense? Today has been miserably humid and one of those times when I give thanks for AC and just try to take a nap during the worst of it. Kitty doesn't like it either, wearing her little fur coat as she does. 😸 And it's been miserable in other ways, just tussling with self-doubt and trying to figure out what to do with my life, with this place. Sometimes people nowadays talk about "timelines" or parallel universes, as though one's life is like a dimension that you wander into somehow, and it can sometimes go wrong or feel like it's not the right timeline for you. Think of that show Sliders from 1995-2000. Or maybe a Doctor Who episode. I often feel like I wandered onto a bad timeline and am trying to figure out how to get to a better one.

That's got a poetic ring to it... 🙂

I don't think that should be the case but maybe in her mind it does. Your state may do things differently.

That's for sure. If she can't manage to work with you more than once a month then she's ethically OBLIGATED to refer you to someone who can! Honestly, some of these "professionals." 😲 If I felt out of my depth with a client, I would ask for supervision or a transfer to someone more qualified.

Oh Gwen, I wish there were words for times like this but even this writer has trouble finding the right ones for this time that you saw coming with dread and foreboding, and that is now here. 😢

Hello, I'm sorry to hear about this situation. ☹️ For whatever it is worth, I think the idea of the Christmas tree is lovely and seems like possibly the one thing you have some control over, in a situation that it seems is out of your power to control. Everyone needs to feel like they have agency, or power to act, in at least small ways in their life. That's why this pandemic time is so demoralizing, because we have no real say about a virus, and no defined end-point for when things return to normal. I hope you will feel able to give yourself a bit of grace, as a new mom, because you seem to be standing in the balancing point: there's one whose life is just beginning and one whose life seems approaching its end, and you are in between and love them both. I'm sure that feels like a lot of pressure! It's a little like the fulcrum of a see-saw. Remember how it was to stand in the midpoint of the see-saw and waver and wobble as you tried to keep balance? Maybe it's a little like that, right now. I hope that analogy makes sense, and wish you some measure of peace in these days.

You got that right. Yup. Ours are going up 7% and this was announced BEFORE the riots etc. And we get less in return every year, it seems.

Don't know how many times I have thought some variation of this, especially when it feels like there is nothing to look forward to.

I think Marty is right and that is in fact what I was thinking when I read the above. For guys, anger is a lot easier to tap into than more vulnerable emotions like sadness, grief and so forth which is why he was only ever able to show grief after the use of alcohol lowered his inhibition or reluctance to show his emotions. That said, he's taking his grief and turning it into anger because it feels "safer" to work with, and then because it's too hot to handle, or too toxic to him, he's using that toxicity against you and his mom. For your own health and wellbeing, both psychological and physical, you and the mom have to step out of the relationship somehow. It will only get worse and the toll it's taking on you is evident even through the medium of the computer screen. Your heart and/or your gut feelings are what are leading you to pull away and withdraw because they know what the intellectual mind can't accept as easily. Always listen to your heart. It will never lie to you. I wish you good luck in separating from him and this toxic environment you describe.

This is so very much on-point, Gwen, I wish I could upvote it 1,000 times. Tamera, you were robbed. We all were, in our respective experiences. 🙁 Wow, that article To Move Or Not: Making Decisions In The Wake of Grief contains this quote: "Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful. ~ José N. Harris That is exactly where I am at the moment with staying here or going somewhere else, as I said in another thread. 😟😟

Thanks, Karen, there are a few places I'm contemplating. Gwen, this refers to the damage from the riots at the end of June and the lawsuit from the Floyd family against the city, since I live in the same city where George Floyd died which then led to the events here and around the country. The price tags for all these things is going to be a pretty penny and all of us have to help pay for it.

Oh, I'm not so brave. I'd like nothing better than to be able to stay here, if not for the upkeep, property taxes going waaay up to pay for all the damage and the wrongful death lawsuit by the family, and the increase in gunfire, gangs etc etc. It's starting to feel like Chicago here. I've done so much over the years to make this a home and it galls me to be close to being driven out by other people's stupidity. And it's really too big for one person in a time when so many families need growing space and I'm not about to take in renters. I don't need that uncertainty on top of it. I found New Mexico and the region beautiful and enchanting, but would not want to live there. Like you, I need seasons, lakes, streams, prairies, farmland. My folks aren't too far from here but they're in their mid-70's so I don't want to be too far away, and most everyone else is scattered the world over. I don't know... and then there's a job for wherever I go. This isn't the best time to be looking for work. 🙄 if I roll my eyes much more I'll have to feel around on the floor for them.

So I have had a friend living in the other half of my house for the last 18 months or so, and he had been working toward moving to another state. The upheaval in this city kind of accelerated his decision to depart. He moved the last of his things out yesterday and is now heading west. While we disagreed strenuously on certain political topics, there were many more things we agreed on or at least could see the other's POV. And it was a blessing to have someone else around during this lockdown so that I could at least chew over the events of each day (such as they were). And he is handy and fixed quite a few things that I don't have the knack for doing, and especially was helpful in getting some problem areas resolved so that I can more easily sell this place, and helped carry heavy stuff to the curb to be taken by trash collection or for a future garage sale. In a way, it was a little like having a big brother around. And now that he's left, this place feels even more cavernous, enormous and excessive for my needs. That is making it easier to take steps toward selling, but I'm finding this is one more layer of grief settling over me-- as if I don't have enough. I've been here 20+ years and most of those were with Mark. Imagining myself selling it is now easier than it ever has been, esp. with the riots and civil disorder, and the inept and idiotic management by the city council. But it's still going to rip me apart when I do go. I have relatives who move about every 2 years as their jobs require them to, and I can't fathom uprooting your life so frequently. And worst of all, I can't even figure out where I would go next. I can't stay forever and mostly don't want to stay much longer, but deciding which direction to go...? It feels futile. So I stay and exist here, and pore over maps and the atlas to see what catches my attention, and slowly discard stuff I know I don't want. But I don't understand this slooooooow sense of stasis. It slightly resembles the way time stretched out in the weeks and months after his passing and I sometimes wonder if I'm condemned to exist in stasis for the rest of my life. People keep telling me to check out other cities or nearby states, and I intend to, but it's a little harder now because of this damned virus. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Karen, this is such a poignant way to describe how it feels for you. I'm sorry. 🙁