Kieron

This is about how I feel these days:

There's even a term for it: helicopter parenting. I'm 47 and some of the client I see at work who are 21 - 30-ish are hopelessly inept at managing for themselves-- in almost any capacity. Sometimes I get assigned one and it's always the mom, sometimes the dad, but usually the mom, who arranges meetings, gives them a ride or runs messages when they don't answer their own phone. I try as hard as I can to avoid even interacting with the parent in this manner and force the young person to take their own calls, make their own appointments etc. In other words, holding THEM accountable. Sheesh by the time I was 12 I was doing my own laundry. When I got to college I saw other guys with a written how to do laundry list from mommy. 🤨🙄

That's why I have the tagline I do (see below in smaller font, from the Lebanese-American writer and poet).

Ana, you've vividly articulated something I never thought of. At first I thought you had made a 'typo" and intended to write another number, but then I saw what you meant. Another kind of age, another way of chronicling Time, not much different than adding up all the days that have piled up since that singular day which you call D day. I doubt I'll think of it the same way again, from here on out. Yes, we certainly do, and grieve them in our own quiet ways.

True but at least it had AN ending. 😐 For us the film reel is still unwinding.

yes, I've been noticing this since earlier this year. It's like Groundhog Day, the movie starring Bill Murray.

I think we'd prefer radio chatter better than radio silence. 😊

I've been wishing it away from here and where it is needed, but so far that's not working. 🤨 I've noticed a trend toward cooler and wetter summers, since I've been here so long.

You're very welcome. It was a revelation for me. I ran across it in a book called "The Grace In Dying" by Kathleen Dowling Singh (1998). The preface is subtitled "How we are transformed spiritually as we die." The book covers a great deal of information, including transpersonal psychology. Not all of it is relevant to everyone, and it's not meant for people who are preparing for the death of a loved one. But it was eye-opening to read about what she calls the nearing-death experience. This is where the energy it takes to cross over is mentioned, in the section on "The signs and symptoms of active dying." It made a lot of things come into focus for me. The author works in a large hospice in Florida, USA. Marty can probably tell us more.

I was wondering about some of you out that direction. It's been very cold here, and wet. We don't need the moisture at all, and we are due for more scattered showers tomorrow. I could see my breath outside this morning. This is crazy!

Speaking solely from my own experience... I learned--much too late--that the dying process takes a great deal of energy. Often, the person who is actively dying or has decided that they no longer wish to keep fighting to live, seems to withdraw, pull away, or seem depressed. This is what happened to my partner when he apparently made up his mind that he didn't want to keep on with treatment, or perhaps that he didn't want to be a burden, and/or face an even harder battle ahead. I assumed he was depressed and pulling away from me and being uncommunicative, which I felt keenly. You say you noticed a change in her behavior, in her case, being uncommunicative. Apparently, that's part of it. Apparently, there's an inner process that takes place on a level we can't usually detect, some kind of transformation that goes on within, which we are never taught about. Here, again, we are done wrong by a society that simply will not teach us how to face Death. I didn't understand any of it, at the time, and the rehab center social worker utterly failed us by not taking the time to explain how he was likely beginning the initial stages of active dying. Had I known it, I would have done so many things differently. I'm glad you're doing okay today. Hang on to those good days and moments, they do come along now and again, in between the bad ones.

I have no doubt of that. You're human and this is how humans react when they lose someone significant. All of us here "get it." We were once where you are now.

Welcome. I'm sorry you have been forced to step out onto the road that no one willingly travels. Being unable to sleep or eat, losing weight, etc. are all very much normal and natural. You exist in a state of devastation and shock, and since you have lost the most important person in your life, I assure you that not knowing what to do is also natural and understandable. It's okay to not know, right now. You say your family doesn't check on you, but what about friends, neighbors, co-workers? You don't say how old the children are, so depending on their age, they may be just as stunned as you are.

And society demands more of us during this first year, more than is fair or kind, and in fact it is downright inhumane, starting with the typical three days bereavement leave. A civilized society would absolve the griever of social obligations for a year--in my opinion anyway. It's more than okay to just be where you are, without making those drastic changes Kay mentions. When I was saying/thinking out loud that "I should this, I should that..." a wise person told me, "Don't should on yourself. You're doing the best you can, in a society that is incapable of facing grief and loss." I never forgot that advice.

Indeed, it's the days after the initial shock has subsided a bit, and an awareness of the mounting number of days piling up behind you and an almost infinite number of empty days stretching out ahead. I don't sugarcoat it, we know it's rough and going to continue be rough. This stripping away of identity and familiarity is devastating, no way to minimize that, either. All you can do is breathe through it, moment by moment. (I hope it's ok to embed YouTube links)

That's true. I happened to hear a song that was played at his memorial 3+ years ago. It put me right back in the thick of how that time felt. It just goes into hiding until it's summoned forth by a memory from that time.

Is it possible for you to cook with cast iron? I think you said you don;'t cook much, but I do know cast iron is one way to get iron in the diet, as iron molecules naturally become incorporated into the food. Mark was able to go off iron pills for a good long time after I started messing with cast iron cookware. I still have way more such pans and skillets than I need. Wish I could push one through the screen to you! 😆 Edit: there are really little skillets that are like 4 or 5 inches across, very light and easy to handle. A possibility anyway.

I think Kay has pretty much said it all, although I would add my standard policy of advising against arguing/fighting by way of text messaging. There's so much that can be misunderstood, misinterpreted, and overlooked, along with missed non-verbal cues like tone, expression and body language. Not to mention, hurtful messages can be viewed over and over again, resulting in becoming all stirred up and angry each time the message is read. It's just a bad idea overall. Better to argue by voice call or video chat, if you must, or better yet in person.

"Some men remain in moratorium, still groping for a personal identity and strong felt values straight through to middle life." I haven't read the book but since so much time has passed, I do wonder if Sheehy observed but didn't write about how, during this middle life stage, this is when the desire for authenticity really comes to the forefront. It's when certain things can no longer be denied, be it a change in sexual orientation, gender identity, not wanting to stay married, and generalized FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). Thanks for the book mention, @Razorclam. I'll have to hunt for that one now that the libraries are open.

Hello and welcome. Your post made me wince more than once while reading, as some of what you describe is similar to what happened to my partner, although this was long before Covid, and I at least got to say goodbye You related a little more of your story in a response you made to someone else in another thread. I can only shudder to think what you must be experiencing. Juggling the usual emotions that accompany the death *and* the added dimension of helplessness against something as insidious and impersonal as this virus.... staggering. I am so sorry for the additional, complicated layers of grieving that have settled on you like this. I wonder what scars we will all be bearing by the time this thing has burned itself out.

That does sound like something I learned about SS and survivor benefits, so definitely go for it. I would recommend calling on Tuesday because often Monday is jammed with people calling about something they thought of over the weekend. Also, SS is answering phones much faster now than they were during "normal" times. IDK why but that's what I observed since Covid began.

I have no doubt it feels like all the walls are closing in on you, with demands coming from all sides. Wanting to lie in bed all day, or go to sleep and just never wake up, is something I have experienced. It sounds like there are people nearby who are wishing they could help, but aren't sure how, or it takes too much energy for you to explain what needs doing, or just uttering the words to tell them what they can do is enough to make you feel worse. Would it be possible to make a list of things that need attention, things that don't need your direct involvement, and hand it out/email it/text it? Then people can just do the things and leave you in peace to focus on the things that only you can handle?

Welcome. What a journey you're all on, a situation that all on its own would be difficult but made all the harder by the pandemic. I'm sorry you are living through it. As a case manager in mental health I have often encountered the reality of traumatic brain injury (TBI), so often that I started to want to work with the population more and more. It's humbling to realize how easily it can happen to anyone, in so many forms, such as accidents, falls, trauma, a brain aneurysm, even septic shock. The etiology sometimes isn't even known. But it has profound effects and I wish more people understood TBI's and that it affects the person and their loved ones irrevocably. We barely know anything about how the brain works, and when it is injured, we know even less.

That's one thing I have noticed in my line of work, since I often have to take people's individual "insurance" (I've taken to using scare quotes because insurance is mostly junk nowadays) into consideration in order to decide how to proceed with solving their problems. You pay into Medicare all your working life thinking it will be there for you, only to find out how little it really covers when you become eligible for it, how complicated it all is, and there are those "donut holes" of non-coverage. People with little or nothing in assets can sometimes get Medicaid in addition to Medicare (it covers whatever Medicare does not) but you have to be really destitute to get Medicaid, or they make you spend your assets down (buy things you may or may not need in order to meet an income threshold) before that coverage kicks in. It's insane. Why do we do this to one another? It's like society is determined to inflict as much pain and suffering on people, just because it can. That's the part that really baffles me.

(Just in case it's unclear: You can edit your own post in a different way now that the forum has changed its format. Look for the 3 very small dots or squares in the upper right of your post that you wish to edit. Click and select Edit. Edit as usual, and save) 🤓