nashreed

I hope, hope, hope that Annette understands that I am not equipped to be an inspiration to others and that my life is now just "doing time. I feel like I'm in prison- for an undetermined length of time. I even have photos of Annette on my wall, like a prison cell. The only way out is death. So many problems, and nothing to look forward to. I know you understand, Gwen. I'm sick of and bored with life, with TV for example, but if Annette was here I would be happy to be so bored. It's all about the company. It's not really that I have a low self opinion- I'm just a realist. If I were to join a dating site for widowers, it would be a farce. I'm not hideous, but I'm overweight, and certainly not traditionally handsome. My only income is Disability and I live in my childhood bedroom. Has anyone else here fallen so far in life? I have friggin tried to get a job (at Walmart, one of the few games in town). This town is nothing but fast food places and dollar stores, and I stunk at fast food when I was young. I worked at Taco Bell when I was 19 and literally couldn't get the trick of wrapping a burrito. I certainly haven't gotten more energy. There was a time in my 20's that I worked two jobs, in my 30's I was a store manager and the day before I turned 40 I walked out of my last retail job because of panic attacks, at Christmastime. Annette and I got by through tough times, and we didn't have money, but what we had was ours and we had love. What's the point of even working when it will only make me more miserable? I'm just doing my time, trying to just get to the end. I'd like a future, but I just don't see how. How do you start over at 50? Women my age have more baggage than Southwest.

I don't see how, but thank you- sincerely. If I can express a viewpoint that helps anyone, then maybe I have a purpose.

I heard today about the husband of one of the two teachers that was senselessly killed Tues. having a heart attack and passing away today. Why couldn't I have been so lucky. I didn't love Annette enough I guess. A member of a favorite 80's New Wave group passed away at the young age of 60, of natural causes... and I thought "Well, there's hope yet". I have tried and tried and tried to find the good in life, the positives...but I'm just tired of living. Tired of living without her. I don't want to anymore. I really just don't want to live anymore. I don't need therapy or hotlines- I know what they say. I wish I could keep living as a tribute to Annette, but I have failed. Either I'm just too lazy or have too much mental crap going on... I'm just not going to be an inspiration to anybody. I have no family support and no friends, nobody cares about me at all except a few people here- but you don't know me as a person, just words. I'm really kind of a selfish jerk and wasn't that great a husband. I like to think that I was and Annette was such a saint, she put up with me. I'm sorry to lay this on here, but I really have no one to talk to, and maybe this post will get me through another day, although that sucks.

Oh, how I despise the weekends. All the happy families with their screaming brood- enjoying the weather, together...I actually love seeing birds and nature, and they bring solace and comfort. I'm so isolated and can't stand my life, a life devoid of happiness. I sometimes will just stop in the middle of walking and stand and just want to cry. I never do. I'm dead inside. My mother and brother live here, but there's not a lot of connection. They'll never understand me. I'm just her son- if we weren't related we wouldn't choose to hang with each other, y'know. All three of us are miserable in our own ways. My Mom misses all her family, and despairs her failed marriage. My brother still pines for the "one that got away" in college. We're all just walking wounded. My brother is so irritating and insufferable. He has a cold (not COVID) and he has a cough that lasts for weeks after (this has been going on for years, every year he gets these colds). He's coughing his brains out all night but WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. He keeps me awake with it. I worry about him, and I hate that I'm stressed out about him. He won't go to his doctor. He barely takes any medicine for it. Disgusting content ahead: He refuses to blow his damn nose. He's constantly sniffing it up and I tell him that's your friggin problem, but nobody listens to me. He'd rather cough his head off. I don't understand my family at all. I wish I had children now. All I think of is my non-future. One of us will die first and be stuck with a hoarder house. I just don't even feel like I was a husband anymore. That's what I was most proud of. I feel like the world ended and I'm a survivor in the wreckage. If anyone remembers the Twilight Zone episode with Burgess Meredith. He survived a nuclear bomb, is going to shoot himself because he's so lonely and then he finds a library and has all the time he wants to read- until he breaks his glasses. I hope he was able to find that gun again. I wish someone cared about me. I wish someone would freaking text me and say "Hi" or something. I admit to checking this Forum multiple times a day just for some human contact. There's usually no new posts all day. I am definitely in Hell. I just want to leave.

At least you have people who want you to do things with them, or for them. It might not be ideal, not what you want to do, but it's nice to be wanted and needed. Nobody needs me anymore. That's what I miss two years in. My Mom and brother are stubborn and don't take my advice and will not see a doctor if they're sick. My Mom could be bleeding out of her eyes and if I ask if she's ok, she says "Yes, of course". Maybe it wasn't good that Annette depended on me, but she did and now I miss the stress of worrying about her. How sad and sick is that? Nobody cares if I'm alive or dead. The Forum goes on whether I post or not. I just don't know how I'm supposed to care about living without anyone that cares about me. Life without love is not worth living.

Rock music is very relaxing to me. I have a wide range of taste, and can appreciate a lot of different music (though I abhor Classical, and boy bands), unlike MY neighbors, who (when it's Saturday Party Night especially) blast their crappy Mexican music with the booming bass- it's always the same crap and I don't like booming bass at all. I have slight tinnitus that is bothered by thumping bass, and I'm not playing my music after 9pm. I only have from 5 to 7 to listen. If I'm not able to play it, I get cranky. It settles my nerves. It's just another case of no one having consideration for anyone anymore. Kids have no discipline and can scream and run through your yard and nobody cares. The people let their dogs yap constantly here (as mentioned). It wasn't like this here when I was a kid. When I played music too loud then, the neighbors complained. At least I don't have my speakers outside! And in my old neighborhood in Tulsa, I got a compliment about my taste in music from a neighbor.

I'm sorry Gwen. I had my second booster and had zero side effects from it. I didn't even have a sore arm the next day. You just never know. As far as I know, I haven't had COVID at all, and I don't mind if I have to get boosters for years. I have to protect my Mom. I want COVID to be afraid of getting ME.

Oh Enza, I know what it's like to just not believe that my spouse is not on this planet, on this plane of existence. I still have thoughts that I left Annette in Tulsa- that I abandoned her. I know in my heart that she's in Heaven, but I am so frustrated that I'm probably so spiritually dense that if she is trying to contact me, I wouldn't get the messages. I desperately am trying to stay connected to her, but it's harder every day. I am fighting the loss of my life with her still- I'm so mad that I was robbed of our little life. Life without her smile, her sweet naivety, is so depressing. All I can do to get by is distract, distract, distract.

Thanks Kay. Of course, I'd be the one to disturb the quiet. If I had the money to live out in the country, with sparse neighbors, I would get me a $50,000 stereo and let 'er rip. That would be the dream. It's really, really depressing living in a town that's so run down and full of homeless people and drug addicts. What happened to my childhood town? This two year anniversary is so hard. No one to help me through it like last year. It doesn't get any easier or better. Life isn't worth living without love. Thank you all for at least listening. It's like sending out an SOS on a telegraph, or a message in a bottle. I just am crying out to be heard.

Enza, Thinking a lot about your post. I don't want to let Annette down- I truly don't. I talk to her every morning, but it's the same repetitive drivel about how miserable I am. I wish I had good things to relay. I wish I knew what she would expect me to be doing. She didn't want me to work. She was heartbroken that she couldn't work and I had to step in. She wants me to be happy, but I'm sure she realizes that finding anyone even remotely close to what I had with her is almost impossible. So I'm here with this life I hate, in this place I hate. When I was growing up, the family mobile home was great, and the neighbors were nice- mostly older folks. I used to deliver Avon for my Mom! Now it's just rude, inconsiderate people with their loud kids, loud music and loud dogs. It's seriously like living in a kennel. Annette always laughed at me for my nostalgia for this town. She knew what a craphole it's become, but I was in denial. A nice place to visit but it sucks to live here. Music certainly is the only thing that has kept me going. I shouldn't spend money on it, but it's the only thing I have to look forward to. I always have headphones on, listening to Spotify, training to block out the world. There's so many love songs though. I like to listen to as much variety as possible, and I don't want to always listen to weird, Frank Zappa type stuff all the time. I just feel lost and my sad little life is unfulfilling, but at the same time the routine I have is necessary and keeps me sane. I hate any interruption of it. It's a frustrating conundrum.

It is sad KayC, You can understand what it's like. Even with your having children and neighbors and acquaintances, no one cares to listen to you, get to know what you're feeling- what you're really going through. Someone to take the time to be there. Everyone is just self centered and selfish these days. I stopped pursuing a friendship with the one school friend I have in town that was even willing to get together with me for a pizza. He has his happy life and wife and child and he doesn't want to hear my tales of woe. It's a bummer and blemish on their good life. He hasn't contacted me for months- I'm sure he doesn't miss me or care at all. He has a full life- I have no place. Everyone my age has a family or pack by now, unless they're homeless- of which there are plenty of here. Even my family- two deeply unhappy people don't want to hear about my problems. Why would they want to be brought even further down? Just being in this world the way it is now is too sad and depressing. No one has consideration for anyone. The playground in my mobile home park was somewhere me and Annette could go to talk and lay on the grass. It used to have a swing set and benches....now it's full of trash and dirty. I've seen homeless people camped in back there and they've had to block a lot off- no swings or benches anymore. The park we used to have fun in, rolling down the grassy hills, is now a homeless drug meeting place. There's just nothing good in my future. It's all gone.

You get it, Gwen. I'm ultimately a chicken, and I probably won't act on these thoughts- but they overwhelm me, and they're.... comforting. I've read where commiting suicide does not mean you can't go to Heaven. That's a relief. I think of people who are in terrible pain, or who have had assisted suicide because of their health being so bad, so hopeless... Surely there's mercy for these poor souls. My Mom is in total denial and couldn't even fathom that Naomi Judd would do such a thing. I absolutely cannot talk about what I feel with her, so this Forum is all I have, and there's only a handful of people reading this, but it's enough to be heard and understood. Ultimately people just want to be heard. Annette changed me into someone who has to be open with their feelings and I can't go back to the repressed and cold and bitter person I used to be- the way my family still is. I've changed. They never will, and that conflict is part of why I just want this life to be over. They're all I have, but they drive me bonkers.

If I can be completely honest.... It's one week before the two year anniversary and I don't want to live anymore. I've tried to muddle through, but I just don't have it in me anymore. I have suicidal thoughts constantly. I know the reasons not to (and I don't want you all worrying and giving me links to hotlines- I'm just being real with you few people who read my posts: it's funny, I thought about texting suicide prevention just to have someone to text with, but it would be a stranger who doesn't know me or really care). If Naomi Judd can commit suicide with all her money and a husband and loving family, what's stopping me? I truly feel no one would care. My Mom would just blame herself, but she does that no matter what I do that she doesn't like. My brother would miss having someone to tell his opinions to, but he doesn't care to know who I am. You guys on here are great, but it's not the real world. In the real world, I am very, very isolated and empty inside. Nobody will ever give me the love and support that Annette did ever again, and I (selfishly) can't live without it. I hate myself. I hate being a man. Every moderately attractive woman I see (mostly in their 20's) is an object of lust and a reminder of what I don't have. My brain should know that I'm 52, fat and creepy and I have no chance with any woman I see, yet I pine for them. I never used to have "eyes" for anyone when Annette was alive, and I hate this about myself. I just don't want you all to be disappointed in me if I do stop posting and disappear. It means I had the courage to do what I desperately want to do. I'm tired and bored of life. You should have the right to say "Ok, I've had a good life, I'm ready to end it". Please know this post is not a plea for help or attention or anything other than writing this out to a few folks who can relate. I really, really appreciate the Forum, and your help with navigating this grief, but I'm tired of it. I just want to be with Annette. James

I'm sorry Gwen. I relate. I am sick of and bored of life. I don't want to be here anymore. I just feel guilty because I am not in chronic pain, but I have no motivation to improve my situation. I have applied for a job or two (as if that's going to make me feel better about myself, but it would be a distraction from this miserable loneliness), but it doesn't mean anything without Annette. Life isn't worth living without love. Facing years and years of this existence is really unfathomable. I'm good- I've led my life and I'm ready for it to be over.

Heading into the 2 year mark, it really has sunk in how alone I am, and how many possible years I face missing her. I was in denial for a long time, thinking there was some way back to my old life, but that fantasy, that illusion, has faded. The loss of love in my life has made me just a shell of a person. My dreams don't comfort me anymore either. I look forward to sleep, because it's not this miserable life. I'm trying to be "tough" and accept that I am alone- I have accepted in my head that no one needs or cares about me, but it's a hard reality to face in the dark, before sleep comes. So many "friends" that were at least checking in with me on Facebook after she left have forgotten I exist. I'm younger than most of you, but still feel too old to start over. I'm so tired of this life, when I just want to be with Annette.

I will do my absolute best to stop feeling this guilt. I think, as I face the two-year mark, that it's time. Thank you KayC and all of you for the encouragement. You have to understand that, aside from you all, I am completely alone in this. I'm going to be going through the two year anniversary completely alone. My Mom will absolutely not talk about this. She won't discuss anything regarding death or her own mortality. I know what her wishes are, just knowing her, but she has made no plans, hasn't reserved a plot next to her parents, has no life insurance.... Last year at this time, I had Annette's Dad to help me. His warmth and compassion were taken for granted by me. I thought we would have more time together. I also had a friend- a widow, who I made a connection with (I thought), and we wrote and texted and it was a welcome distraction and it was nice and genuine.... and she decided to withdraw and wallow in her grief and shut me out. Even Annette's sister stopped texting. She has a busy life and a husband and I'm probably jealous and bitter about it. I, by nature, am not somebody who takes one day at a time. I obsess, and worry and plan and look to the future.... I see nothing but me and my brother as two miserable old men, decaying slowly.... He's much more talkative and gregarious than I am. He doesn't have the social hang-ups near as bad as I do. He has a full time job, he talks to people every day and he has never been able to have a girlfriend. His one best friend ghosted him a couple of decades ago. It's very hard to meet someone now- unless you're young and attractive, I guess. It's easier getting struck by lightning. Why even try. Thank you all for at least listening to me, as I face the month of May again. It is so much harder this year. Last year, memories of her brought comfort and now they only bring pain. I draw strength from the folks here who are into their seventh, eighth or sixteenth year. I don't know how you've done it.

I understand what you're saying Gwen, i really do- and I appreciate it. There's just so much more I could have done for her. Even KayC said that she was able to reverse her Diabetes and get healthy through sheer discipline and eating right. I had a Facebook (old school friend, before they all stopped caring) who swore she could reverse Annette's arthritis with her diet and exercise plan I just am not a person that can stick to a healthy regime and it affected Annette. We tried so many times to exercise, to eat right, and I always flaked out on her. I needed to be a tough coach and I couldn't be. I was always there for her at least. There were times I raced home from work on my lunch when I couldn't get ahold of her. A couple of times I did find her with a low blood sugar and I would get mad at her, because I felt that she wasn't taking care of herself. I know now it was her kidneys that were really making it difficult to control her blood sugar. She did try so hard, and I also feel so much guilt for getting angry at her. I'm really trying to let go of the guilt, because I know Annette doesn't blame me. Hopefully, two years into it will give me more perspective. I still have stupid little thoughts that somewhere out there, in Tulsa maybe, is my old life and there is a way to get back to it. I still haven't funny accepted that this is my life now. It's funny how when you're married with the one you love, just hanging out and watching TV and just being together is awesome and perfect and all I ever want, but when I'm doing it, living with my Mom and brother, I feel like a loser and it seems like such a sad and pathetic life.

It's funny how some people refuse to think ahead, to prepare. My Mom is like that, and it drives me insane. She's always on the guilt trip of "My plans never work out (not-secret meaning her marriage from 50 years ago), so why make plans?" But that doesn't mean you don't think ahead to the possibilities of needing something ready and not having it. I've been called into service to be the "responsible" person around here lately, and it stresses me out. My Mom and brother lived by themselves for years and always got by perfectly fine, but now it seems that without me here, they would be screwed- nothing major, and maybe I'm just being overly sensitive to it. The thing is: I don't want to be "responsible" for anything. It's not just laziness, it's that the stress of planning a trip out or even being the one in charge of being on time is too much pressure. I have no tolerance for stress at all anymore. It's like a kid being given a hamster to take care of, and if the hamster dies, they don't get another one- I was responsible for Annette and I failed. Just thinking of working again stresses me out.

I am so sorry Gwen. I can tell you that I share your feelings. I just don't know what I'm doing here anymore either. I always feel the worst before going to sleep, and on Saturdays. I don't feel like I'm entitled to have these feelings, because physically, I'm ok. I know what it's like to live with constant chronic pain, because Annette was in it for 20 years. She had a body that let her down- her weight and Diabetes and her heart.... they just couldn't support her anymore. I knows that she's in a better place. I want so badly to be with her, but the Catholic in me won't let me commit suicide. What's the point if I can't be with Annette? I have music to distract me during the day, but not somebody who understands or cares. I'm glad you have Dee. Sometimes I feel I'd give anything for a friend who understands that I could hug. It's hard to know what we're (us Forum folk) still doing here- but surely Dee needs you as much as you need her. So many lonely people.... We need you here on the Forum too, Gwen, because we're all trying to get to the end of this journey however and with whoever we can, that understands. I hope that you won't get swallowed by these thoughts. I have to have something to look forward to, like posts from Gwen. There is beauty in this world. It's hard to see now. I truly hope that you can find a life that you can live, with less pain and with beauty and love. I'm glad you posted, Gwen. I know you have the Saturdays too. Makes me feel less alone.

Today, I re-read the devastating break-up letter Annette gave me when we first broke up in 1989. I have so few things that she actually wrote, even a scalding missive is comforting- and it is brutal. She never wanted to talk to me again- she said she was going to try and forget me! If I had listened to that letter, I would have missed 30 beautiful (but tough) years. I think about what if I had given up on her then. She said in the letter that "just as you're sure that I'm the one, I'm just as sure I'm not". She was usually right about everything! Even in the letter, she mentioned how she hated that I blamed myself for everything. I don't want her to be upset with me still, even in Heaven. I have to stop blaming myself for everything. She mentioned in the letter that she had attempted suicide. I thank God she wasn't successful. I'm glad I persisted and saved her from the thoughts that led to that attempt. I just wish I could have saved her from her health problems.

How sad. What kind of therapist doesn't respond to what you want to talk about? I commend you on making it through three long years. I'm almost at two, and it feels like ten. I can't imagine ever getting over Annette. Five years, ten years.... She deserves to be talked about and loved and remembered, but nobody cares. At least you have friends. My one hope for the future is to find one person that I can commiserate with in person. I looked into a grief support group here, but of course, it's still unknown when it will come back from COVID. I was hoping to meet someone there. I sound pretty desperate for companionship....

Thank you for your kind words. I know it seems like I'm miserable all the time, but I don't set out to be. If good things were to happen, and sometimes they do, I am ready to receive them. I, alas, have no expectations, and I don't get upset when something happens that disappoints me. There's a show in L.A. that I would have loved to get tickets for, but the ticket costs are outrageous- my brother just isn't willing to shell out that kind of coin anymore, with gas and the drive out there. No biggie. I take what I can get. We have an event we're going to in L.A. next week, so that's something to look forward to. I get solace from my morning walk and talk with Annette. I just wish so much that I knew what she's doing in Heaven. I appreciate the help this Forum provides. I think I may have found a weekly grief group with in-person people here in town. Now I need to try to find the courage to go. Maybe after I get the next booster (I always have an excuse!). I know what I'm doing now is not sustainable. I don't expect any kind of relationship ever again, but a local friend who can understand loss would be nice.

You're right, Gwen. I am bitter and angry and negative. It's all I have now. What do I have to be happy and positive about? I have always tended to be moody and negative- I was a sullen teenager who dressed in black and listened to depressing music. Annette kept that in check. She made me happy and relaxed and calm. Now that she's gone, I am back to my natural state. Some things make me content (not happy- I wouldn't go that far): music, birds that I see outside, hummingbirds I feed give me a sense of at least doing something with my miserable existence. It's very hard to motivate myself and sure, if I had more courage and encouragement from my family (which I do not have), I could volunteer or be productive. It's just easier not to. My family doesn't care about who I am, and it isn't enough of a motivation to just "do it for me". I don't get warm fuzzies from helping strangers- I just don't, never have If that makes me a bad person, I'm sorry. I totally resented the fact that I had to watch the Oscars, which was on during the time I normally get to listen to music. They wouldn't tape it, they had to watch it live- so that pissed me off. And as far as the whole Smith/Rock debacle, I can't see how anybody could be Team Smith. I hate all smug, entitled celebrities, but this guy is the worst. They're sitting right there in front- what were they expecting, to not be noticed? The "joke" Chris Rock said was tossed off, lame, but harmless. Will was laughing at it until he saw Jada's reaction. I guess he had to prove what a man he is to her, so maybe she won't sleep around as much (she puts this information out there!)- who knows? But she has embraced the fierce, bald look anyway. if she was so sensitive about it, there's great things happening in wigs these days. Anybody else would have been escorted out, and charged with assault, but because he's Mr. Best Actor, he gets away with it. Yes, I want my old life back. I want nothing more than to be with Annette right now. Am I just chicken for not ending it all? Am I being a good person for not doing that to my Mom? I don't want to talk to a therapist- someone who is paid to listen and give out platitudes and information I already know. I want to have someone alive and real who understands me, who cares about me- not the "me" that someone wants me to be. Annette was that. I will never have that again in this life. I just don't know how to live knowing this. If I can distract myself and just live quietly, then that's maybe all I can do. At least I'm not hitting people over a freaking joke. Talk about needing therapy.

Well, it was better than last year, but last years was as exciting as watching paint dry. At least there was that jerk Will Smith to liven things up. I don't know why my family has to watch it every year- they never watch any of the movies.

I regret that I didn't cultivate friendships when I was with Annette. I didn't need any. She had good friends through the years but they always, always let her down in some way- she could only ever count on me. I guess that colored my view of friends. My family is fine for being around, watching TV, but useless for my emotional needs- for talking about anything important. I can't even fathom how empty my life will be when my Mom is gone. At least she cares about me (if only because she has to). I understand what you're saying, Gwen. I know that she would think my guilt is stupid. I don't think she would have been able to handle it if the loss were reversed (and with her father passing last year). Funny enough, the song that I'm listening to right now is a version of the 70's song "Without You", a #1 by Harry Nilsson. I can't live without her. Why am I still forced to live?