nashreed

Your posts really resonate with me. I know exactly what it's like to live life always waiting for my wife at doctors appointments, never knowing if that day I would have to take her to the Urgent Care or ER. Always seemed to be waiting for her in some medical office. Our ongoing joke was singing the title of a song by the group Toad The Wet Sprocket: "Something's Always Wrong" Annette had weeping legs (well, leg, because one was amputated). I have so many regrets about what we decided to do regarding her health and when. One of the biggest is the ankle replacement that resulted in her amputation. She was adamant about this surgery, because her left ankle was bone on bone from severe rheumatoid arthritis. The surgeon botched it and her ankle became infected. We could have tried to save her leg but it would have required great expense, traveling out of town and her missing months of work to go to a specialized rehab. She decided amputation made more sense with our circumstances, and I regret that I agreed to that because that amputation was the catalyst for the health problems and weight gain that caused her passing. She never put herself first, even though I held her on a pedestal- she never thought she was deserving of the best. She always put the "household" or finances over what was best for her. What I wouldn't give to go back in time- meet her when she and I were both kids, go to her school, warn her about the Type 1 Diabetes she would develop soon after turning 14. I'm so glad that you are finding some comfort in posting. It has helped me greatly through this. I often think I'm OK, I don't have anything else to say, I except this lonely, solitary "David Banner" type existence, but I keep coming back because it is human connection and it's such a blessing to be able to talk about this to people who know what it's like, because no one in the real world gives a flying fig about my loss.

Your Michael sounds like a great man. I think all of us here can agree that our soulmates we're the better part of us. Annette put up with so much from me. I was selfish a lot of the time but she was a saint. I miss laughing and more importantly, making her laugh. There was nothing better than making her laugh (by often thinking of the most disgusting, off the wall things I could think of). I loved to think of different nicknames and pet names to call her. The best times.... I just feel that if we can get to know our lost loved ones better, than they are kept alive in a way. Talking about them, in a way makes them members of the Forum and we can have a place where they "live on", if only on the internet.

I don't want Annette to be forgotten. Her life, her personality.... They still mean everything to me. Alas, there's absolutely no one to talk about her to. No one wants to know. But I still need to talk about her, and even if nobody cares or nobody reads about her, I can tell people about how incredible she was in a thread here, and add to it periodically and just talk about her and then I at least am keeping her alive in that small, simple way. And everyone can do the same- tell us about your soulmate, the love of your life. The love that is gone but never to be forgotten: Annette was a middle child. Her older sister had the "looks" (even though Annette was far more beautiful to me, and I told her that every day), and her younger brother had all the opportunities because he was the male and had his education paid for and encouraged. Annette never thought she was good enough or deserving. As a teenager, she tried to end her life. It took years to get her to realize how amazing she was and she absolutely was a saint for putting up with me. She stuck with me when I had, essentially a nervous breakdown and walked out of a job after I hit 40. I suppose that a lot of women would leave a husband who was mentally unwell. Just as I would never have thought of leaving her with all of her medical challenges, she stuck by me through major financial ruffage. She was that kind of person. It took years for me to convince her to marry me because she had to be sure that I would be there for her, always- and I always stayed true to her. She was so sweet and ....the word that fits is just "cute". Cute as in she was still so childlike- a childlike enthusiasm for learning and she would really GET INTO something when she discovered something new that interested her. It drove me bonkers because if she really liked a song she would play it on repeat several times (luckily with headphones). She was so gullible. I was mean and I would tell her crazy stories or headlines like they were news (of course with the way things are now....it's not easy to tell if something is completely made up anymore) and she would always believe me. I found it so endearing that she had that side of her that was so wide-eyed and trusting. I didn't mean to lie to her, I just thought she was so cute when she was processing something....like, wait....no that can't be true...is it?

I know how you feel. My wife's birthday and our anniversary are very close together in December. Nobody cares when our anniversary is. Not even her sister remembers when it was. Nobody wants to talk about the greatest, sweetest woman that there could possibly be. I really just try to think and remember how incredibly blessed and lucky I am to have been married to her. I certainly didn't deserve her. She was way too good for me. So many people never meet their soulmate. Even though we lost them, we were so incredibly fortunate to have met them. If I never would have applied at that specific fast food place (Taco Bell), I never would have met Annette. What are the odds? I know I will be with her again, and everyday will be an anniversary. I hope you can be at peace and remember all the happy memories today. On our anniversary, I listen to her playlist of favorite music and that makes me feel closer to her (even though it's not really my type of music). I try to keep her love alive in my own small way. She gave me so much love, I should have enough for the rest of my life- no problem. It's hard to access it a lot of times, but it's there. She's always with me.

I am so sorry jathas. I'm sorry you had to find your way to this Forum. I see so many parallels in your beautifully written story to my wife and the way I felt about my soul mate. She was only 49 when she passed and had many, many health problems: Type 1 Diabetes, kidney disease, severe sleep apnea- she had her left leg amputated in 2014 from a botched ankle replacement. She was in terrible pain from severe arthritis, had problems with her ability to walk on her good leg. She was legally blind and was headed towards being almost completely blind soon. She passed May 16, 2020. The only consolation I have is that she didn't ever have to worry to much about getting COVID, which would have been the absolute worst for her. Everything you wrote about your soulmate resonates with me, including guilt about what I should have done (she was supposed to be in a rehab facility at the time she passed, but I gave in and let her come home because she hated it there, with COVID restrictions and all). It's been two years and two months and I'm still lost, unfortunately- but this Forum has been very kind and helpful. I am glad that you have family and friends and hopefully a support system to help. There are many friendly folks here with their own stories and advice. The one thing in common is that we all lost our soul mates- the most incredible people that we were blessed to have known. We're all just taking one day at a time, using this Forum to vent and commiserate. Please know we care here and you can say anything and we'll understand. I'm sorry to say it, but welcome. Hang in there and we'll be there (in cyberspace). James

I'm sorry Gwen. You deserve to be heard. You're a genuinely fascinating person and I'm sure your stories and insights would be entertaining and thought provoking. It was so sad- Annette would call her sister and father and they only ever just used her to talk about themselves and get her pearls of wisdom about their problems. I was the only one who ever listened to what she had to say. I loved listening to her. I would never get bored with what she had to say. I really, really try to be a good listener and even try to engage my family in different topics, but they just are on their own one track mind. I always know what they're going to say. Everyone only ever likes talking about themselves, but I don't. If I care about someone, I am really interested in them and their opinions, and history. Unfortunately, friends are impossible to find, even though I'm beyond talking about my grief. I'd settle for anyone to just text and say "Hi". I don't even mind getting those political texts asking for support and money. At least someone thought of me! (I know, not really)

Oh, how I know what you mean, Boho. It is so incredibly boring talking about how hot it is, and one degree temperature variances. I can talk to my Mom and know exactly what she's going to say. At her age, I want to talk to her and engage with her to keep her mentally engaged, but its a challenge. She's very hard of hearing too, and my voice is terrible with no volume or "carry". It's not really possible to "joke" with her either. I so miss Annette. She was never ever boring- she always had something interesting to say, and we could laugh and I would try to say the dirtiest things I could think of to make her laugh. I wish I had someone to talk to as well. I hate small talk. I simply don't engage in it. I've just really become closed up and closed off from who Annette knew.

I just wanted to add my name to the group that feels more lonely, more despair, more abandoned than I did last year- absolutely the same as you, Sad. A lot of it is my fault. I never cultivated friendships when Annette was alive. I didn't want to be with anyone else. I jealousy kept her to myself. She used to have friends and would like to visit with other couples, but as her health and vision started to get worse, she started to become reclusive, and adopted my nature. The last few years of her life, she had pretty much stopped communication with casual friends and I was ok with it- more Annette for me. I never needed friends, but now that I need them, I don't have them. I also feel nothing matters and no motivation to accomplish anything else in my life. Nothing matters without her love. She gave me so much love and I try to live off of that which I have in my heart, but it's hard. I can feel joy in my heart knowing she's not in pain anymore, that she's free and "living" in spirit- but in my reality, I'm alone and miserable. Except for my Mom and brother, nobody cares about whether I'm alive. So many people in the world, in this town, and I know no one. Just the isolation, knowing I have to live life as a sad lonely man- not able to make friends, no one to live in this life. Why bother? I just wish I could end this life. I'm totally ok with it. I wake up every morning bummed I didn't pass in my sleep. I just have nothing to live for. I'm glad you found something, Sad. I wish you all the best luck.

If I still felt Annette's presence, I probably wouldn't need to even post here. I don't feel it at all. She's far, far away in Heaven. I have only ever been sure of that one thing. Within the first week after she passed, I had two occurrences happen (I think I posted them here before) that were unusual enough for me to think that she had caused them. After moving back to California, I thought there were a couple of "signs" from her. I walk around a basketball court behind the mobile park office and talk to her. The same place I used to pace around when I was a teenager, trying to figure out how to get her to like me. It's the only area that has any grass at all in the area. Once and only once, I saw a bunny. We used to have them in our yard in Tulsa. I'm out there every morning, and have only ever seen it once. Christmas Eve 2020, I had a very vivid dream that was more than a dream. I really believe she was able to visit me, just briefly. She said "Hey Baby" like she always did and gave me a huge hug I really felt. It was so real. After that .... nothing. I don't ever even dream of her now. It's like my brain is afraid to go there. I miss her so much and I really hate that I'm stuck having to live this sad existence until I can be with her. Why do I have to wait? It's not fair.

Hi Sad Widower, I am also 52 and lost my wife a little over two years ago. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand completely about wanting a woman in your life. I know I will never have another relationship with a woman, but just to have one as a friend would mean everything to me. It's not about a physical relationship for me, it's just that I honestly don't relate well or get along with men. I know I will be with Annette again- I don't know if that knowledge keeps me going or if it makes me think of ending this existence. I want to be with her now, and if I can't be with her now, then how will I survive without anyone that understands? I think one of the really difficult hurdles in my journey is that we had no children, so I feel that emptiness of not having that part of us that could have been. She wasn't able to have children, and I never begrudged her that, but a lot of widowers have heirs, a part of their spouse that lives on. It's just an empty existence until I can be with Annette.

Talking to a therapist about my rut wouldn't really get me out of it. I know you mean well, but I know the solutions. Easier said than done. I can't live in memories. Thinking about my beautiful Annette now, it's like someone else's life. I know I lived it, but it's like remembering a TV show or high school- it's not relevant to where I am now. It can't help me now. The more time passes, the more depressed and angry I get that my life was taken from me. It really is like I died and I'm a ghost that is in a purgatory that I can't leave- or a prison and when I really die is when I'll be released. I feel like a jerk for wanting another relationship. When my grandfather's wife (my Mom's mother) passed, he almost immediately got remarried to a lady in the senior trailer park who was a friend and a widow. And after she passed he did it twice more. Some people just don't like being alone. I wish there were some lonely widows here, but there's just Mexican families who don't speak English and all their annoying brats. You have to understand- I have my Mom and brother and that's it. No acquaintances, neighbors, pen pals,... no one. I was so used to saying "I love you" multiple times a day, getting multiple hugs, feeling loved. My mom abhors being hugged. She never says "I love you". My family is emotionally repressed and as miserable about how their life turned out as I am. So I've reverted to the "me" before Annette, when I was suicidal in high school. At least then I was young and had opportunities. I got out then. It won't happen again. If a woman, say in a grocery store, went up to a man just casually just to make a witty comment about what he's buying or the weather, the man will always be at least courteous or polite (unless she looks like Witchypoo). If they're single, the man will absolutely love an opportunity like that to meet someone or make a friend which could lead to more. If I were to go up to a woman, if I even look at a woman, it's like I can feel them try to think of where their mace is in their purse. It is not the same at all. I don't know if I meet someone if it would become a bad relationship, or a great one. I could make a friend or not, but I have no opportunity to even find out. Men just are not able to engage a woman the way a woman could if they wanted to. I see old men trying to flirt or make small talk with female cashier's and I'm creeped out. And if I tried online dating it would be a ridiculous disaster. My brother tried it for a couple of years, and all he ever got were Russian bots- and he has a job and money. So, every night I lay in bed thinking my situation is never going to change. I'm trying not to be suicidal, but life is not worth living without love, or at least friends. I just see no future. I'm happy for the folks here who can resolutely say they don't need a man or relationship to make their lives complete. You've had the best and don't need anyone else. Well, I had the best too but I still have this damn life I'm stuck with and I wish I could have even a bad relationship. It's a thin line between love and hate. For no one to care about you at all, complete apathy and no one even knowing you're alive.... That's worse.

On the other side of life- I have interest in another relationship, but it's never going to happen. I miss the companionship so much. It's amazing how bored I get now- I never used to be bored with Annette. She always kept me engaged and thinking and laughing, even when she was in massive pain. It just really seems like it's so much easier for a woman to find another relationship if they want one. Even my 85 year old Mom with no teeth could get a man if she wanted, I'm sure. I have love and companionship, but not money or security or anything that women want. I wish I didn't have the anxiety that prevents me from getting out of this rut that I'm in. I wish I didn't feel like I need someone in my life. It would be a lot easier if I had never had a great 30 year relationship/marriage.

Thanks Kay, I can't believe how rude people are. If someone said that to me, I would just die. That's one of the reasons I don't even try to start a conversation. It seems like everyone has closed down- out walls up and don't want anyone outside their bubble to enter. Y'know when I was a kid and they forced you to go out and sell candy door to door to fundraise for Catholic school, I could never do it- I could not handle rejection in any form. It really says a lot to how much I knew Annette was "the one" that I persevered and eventually ground her down . And I don't know if it's an Autism thing or what, but I also replay conversations in my head and if they were awkward or I said something stupid, it bugs the crap out of me for days, even with strangers and people I don't know. I'm sorry that happened to you, Kay. I could never be so rude.

Thanks. I just haven't really felt motivated to seek therapy now. Maybe because I don't have someone to work on myself for. I go to a chiropractor once a week- that's something. The life you describe sounds nice, I just don't know if I can like myself enough to get there. Don't worry. There's too much that could go wrong with suicide. I don't want to screw it up.

Thanks for your advice. Like I said, I know full well that a romantic relationship is never happening again. I was so incredibly lucky that Annette put up with me and my mental crap for as long as she did. She was a saint. I just long for that companionship that we had, that easy rapport...I don't need the physical aspect of a relationship- I just want a friend at this point, and that's a tall ask. I listen to music all day, and sometimes I almost get burnt out on it. I really try to be grateful for things like having sight- Annette was legally blind. At the same time, I feel such incredible guilt for being able to see. It's a lot of pressure to try to "live" for Annette. I can't do it. I was in therapy when Annette was still alive. It was mandatory to get on disability. No offense, but it really didn't help me, because the advice was canned- I didn't feel that they (there were a few different ones) really were all that interested or invested in me. Maybe I'm too needy, too selfish, too greedy. I had the best wife ever and now I have a void in my life that is impossible to fill. That's why it's so hard to live. I mean, I've had a good life with her, you have to die sometime. Why can't it be now? There's really nothing else to live for. I do appreciate your ideas. Please know that I will try to be better, do better. I don't have a choice. I appreciate you listening Boho.

Oh, please don't worry. I would never dismiss thoughtful advice out of hand (but I would reserve the right to tell you why said ideas would not be applicable ). I really appreciate any input. I have nothing, and nothing to lose. I don't feel like I matter to anybody, and don't see the reason I'm here. I'd love to be proven wrong, just like I'd love to know why I'm so toxic that no one wants to be my friend. I guess I give off a standoff-ish vibe, but its not like (in my opinion) anyone is clamoring to make any new friends.

2 years ago today.... I started out driving from our home in Tulsa, back to the childhood home where my Mom and brother live in Southern California- where I grew up, where we met. Annette hated it here, hated how brown it is, the heat... I still can't believe I drove for two days that far by myself, in the heat, during the height of the pandemic. I hate it here now too. 1 year ago.... I had hope. I had people in my life. Annette's Dad was a comforting figure, his house a refuge from the everyday stupid dramas of my family- the pressure of being what they think I should be. I could just be. I had a friend who I texted with every day. A widow, who I thought I had a real connection with- who understood as only someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse can. I don't expect anything- I know I'll never be in a romantic relationship again (I wouldn't even know what to do at this point), but a good friendship with someone who understands is priceless, and it kept me from the despair of a miserable, hot, lonely California 4th Of July holiday. And I had a childhood school friend living here in town, who I could "hang" with. He has such a great life, and I felt like I was intruding- but he was gracious and nice and it was just nice to have a pal, even though I was never comfortable with having a "guy" friend- I'm not into baseball like he is, not in the slightest. I didn't know how good I had it. Today, all 3 of them have left me. My father in law passed from COVID in August '21. The widow decided she'd rather wallow in despair and watch TV than maintain a correspondence with me. My school friend must have figured out that I'm a loser, a dark cloud in his idyllic life because he ghosted me. I don't care. I try to look into the future and I see black. I see nothing. I have applied to places like Walmart (like a job would help make me happy, but it's a purpose) but haven't heard anything. I don't have the wherewithal to "meet people", I wouldn't even know how. Post pandemic, everyone is in their own bubble and they have their "people". I am alone. I just don't know why you can't choose to end your life in a socially acceptable way. I had my life with Annette, but she's gone now and my life is over too. I don't want to go on anymore. There's no point.

I can relate. It's still so weird that I had 30 wonderful years with Annette (but, of course, not without a lot of pain and stress), being together all the time and now I find myself back where I was when I was 17, at 52- sleeping in the same bed as when I was a teenager (which used to be a bunk bed, which still has a 40 year old "E.T." reflector sticker on it- "Attention ladies!") I went to a show in L.A. last night with my brother, at a beautiful outdoor venue. It's nice to get out and try to forget my sad, lonely life, but it's so depressing seeing all the happy couples, and attractive younger women who would never even think to look at a fat, balding old man- but I feel like I'm young in my head because of how my life has ended up. It's like I was picked up by aliens out of my miserable teenage existence, taken to a beautiful place of love for 30 years and then unceremoniously dropped back to the same place- only that place is now a ghetto and sad shell of a once safe town and I'm old, but with the same mental problems.

This is my first Father's Day without Annette's Dad, who was very kind and understanding and called me his son. I never knew my father. I don't know why I'm on Facebook, seeing all the happy father's and memories. One father posted "God is good". I don't mean to disparage any of the religious members or blaspheme, but it really is just random luck. God doesn't involve Himself in our affairs. Tell the Robb Elementary parents "God is good". God created us, Jesus forgave our sins, and that's it. The rest is random and unfair.

I was able to have a text conversation with the one person who I felt understood me the best- Annette's sister- but even she doesn't understand me at all. She means well, but she seems to think that my problems with be solved by gainful employment. Most people think that if you're not working, you're just lazy. It's not that! I'm on disability because I needed to be. I spent two to three years fighting to get on it, with a lawyer, going to court...in Oklahoma where it's way harder than in California. I could not work, and Annette understood and did not want me to work. I finally had to get a call center job because Annette needed me to- it broke her heart because she felt it was up to her to be the provider because of my mental disability. My sister-in-law is a go-getter and hard worker and she cares, but I was just made to feel worthless and less than. I feel like a speak a foreign language that only Annette understood, my translator, and she got another assignment, so I'm stuck with no one who understands me-- no way to communicate. Every morning, I take a walk behind the mobile home park office, around the basketball court. I talk to Annette (she's certainly sick of my whining, but puts up with it). There's a grassy playground, and when I was a kid (my Mom moved to the mobile park when I was 4) there was a slide and swing set. Not anymore. They'd be destroyed. I'm surprised they keep the grass green. I go out for my walk and a damn gang "tagger" graffitied the back wall of the office, the brick wall, the actual surface of the court itself. This idiot never got crayons when he was a kid. I can't even have the peace and contentment of my morning walk, when no one is around, without the modern world slapping me in the back of the head. I'm just tired of it all. Every night I hope I don't wake up in the morning.

I understand. At least you have your kids. I assume (and I'm sorry, I know what can happen when you assume) that all of the folks here have at least what could be considered friend. Not people that you can absolutely count on, but at least acquaintances that care enough to at least check in with you to catch up- I think you've all mentioned them. It's so hard to have no one, not one friend. Truly for nobody to care about you. Like discarded trash. It's just so odd to want a relationship again, because I am so miserable without a connection, without anyone. Even a bad relationship would be ok. I (again) assume that you all had several ok and not great relationships before finding your soulmate. I only ever had one. I never ever thought that I would find her. I was so socially awkward and inept that I didn't expect it and it was fine. It was so hard keeping Annette because I was so BAD at being a boyfriend. She broke up with me, wanted nothing to do with me. It took months and months to worm my way back into her life. But, in 30 years, we became love itself. She made me human. Now I'm back at square one and I see no hope, no future. I've tried to get a job, but all these jobs that are out there are a myth. Companies have figured out (from COVID) that they can do the same business with less workers (just work the ones they have to death) and if they say they're hiring, it's just for appearances. As if that would make me happy. I can't even get Annette's sister to text me back. She's busy, it's not her fault. She has a husband and a life and dogs galore. I just don't belong here. I have no purpose.

That's all well and good, and in theory I feel the same. In reality, I'm desperately lonely and the thought of not having a friend/partner for years and years makes the actual living very unappealing. Annette is irreplaceable. She was one of a kind, and I could never find another her, because there isn't one- but I don't want to be a bitter old man with no one in my life (except my brother, who's very annoying to me in a lot of ways). I don't like eyeing every female I see and thinking of a relationship with them- I hate it, but I'm human and, unfortunately, a man and that's just the way we are. Even one single friend would would help my outlook, but alas, no one gives two craps about me in the real world. Even here, I post and no one sees it until the next day. I want to scream from the street corner that I need a friend, but nobody cares. Everyone has their someone. I'm not any more relevant than homeless people sleeping on the street, and even they have friends probably. Hearing about the shooting in Tulsa yesterday threw me. That medical building is intimately familiar to me. It was one of three on one end right by the hospital, and Annette had doctors (at least one in every building) there. She had a lot of doctors. It's very sad. I just feel I'm just watching the degradation of society and the world, as a bystander.

I wish I felt dead inside, a ghost. I hate that I have this nagging need for a relationship. Before I met Annette, I was fine with being single, alone. I had no expectations of ever having a girlfriend, let alone wife. In a small way, I resent Annette for changing me into a loving, caring person who could love and be loved. She spoiled me, and left and now I have all this love inside and compassion and I have no one to give it too and it's eating me up inside. I had no idea I would miss having a partner, a confidant, a best friend so much. The teenage me lived by the lyrics of miserable, depressing songs- songs that talked about how there is no one for me, no love. I believed them, but I'm not that person anymore- yet I find myself back in the exact same place. I just want to walk into the deep end of the pool here. I think about it all the time. It would be scary, but it might be peaceful. I just can't stand this life anymore.

I'm glad that you hopefully can relax (for lack of a better word) this holiday weekend, Gwen. At least you have activities back. It's so incredibly lonely on a holiday weekend. You feel like you're supposed to be doing something, anything. Right now my Mom is watching an annoying "NCIS" rerun (I never realized how the old episodes had this forced witty banter, like it's trying to be "Moonlighting" or something). I see all my Facebook "friends" on vacation and doing things. It would be a miracle if someone would just text and say "Hi". I never realized how much I would need friends, and there are none to be found. So many people seem to have too many. There should be an even distribution. Of course, it's my fault. I never wanted to be with anyone else before, and now I have no one when I need a friend. Absolutely no one cares I exist (except Mom and brother, the only family I have).

I hope, hope, hope that Annette understands that I am not equipped to be an inspiration to others and that my life is now just "doing time. I feel like I'm in prison- for an undetermined length of time. I even have photos of Annette on my wall, like a prison cell. The only way out is death. So many problems, and nothing to look forward to. I know you understand, Gwen. I'm sick of and bored with life, with TV for example, but if Annette was here I would be happy to be so bored. It's all about the company. It's not really that I have a low self opinion- I'm just a realist. If I were to join a dating site for widowers, it would be a farce. I'm not hideous, but I'm overweight, and certainly not traditionally handsome. My only income is Disability and I live in my childhood bedroom. Has anyone else here fallen so far in life? I have friggin tried to get a job (at Walmart, one of the few games in town). This town is nothing but fast food places and dollar stores, and I stunk at fast food when I was young. I worked at Taco Bell when I was 19 and literally couldn't get the trick of wrapping a burrito. I certainly haven't gotten more energy. There was a time in my 20's that I worked two jobs, in my 30's I was a store manager and the day before I turned 40 I walked out of my last retail job because of panic attacks, at Christmastime. Annette and I got by through tough times, and we didn't have money, but what we had was ours and we had love. What's the point of even working when it will only make me more miserable? I'm just doing my time, trying to just get to the end. I'd like a future, but I just don't see how. How do you start over at 50? Women my age have more baggage than Southwest.