MartyT

My dear Kay, As I was looking for something in my files earlier today, I came across this piece. I haven't seen it in a very long time, but when I read it again today, it made me think of you: The Awakening A time comes in your life when you finally get it – when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (after the ball) and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are – and that's okay. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers – and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world – and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love – and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay, and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want – and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect, and you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch – and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve – and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More important, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's okay to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes – bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. – Found on the Internet, June 19, 2003; Author Unknown

Hi Kath ~ Yes, I got the same message, and Hospice of the Valley looked into it immediately. We've added more bandwidth, and are watching our site usage very carefully. Thank you (and all our dear members) for keeping a watchful eye on our site, as it surely belongs to all of us

Patti, dear ~ Go see Comment # 17 on our blog page: Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

Deborah, dear ~ You said, "he loved me with all his heart. I know he still does but why can't I apply it to my life now?" I cannot help but wonder if you realize what a special person you are, and if you love yourself even half as much as your husband loved you, and as he still loves you now. I want to share this bit of wisdom with you, in hopes that it speaks to you and offers you some comfort, as you face whatever lies ahead. As you read it, think of your beloved husband, and what he's given to you: Loving Ourselves First We are at our most hopeless and despairing in our loss when we’ve not yet learned how to give ourselves or provide for ourselves what it is that we received from another who is now gone. It is true of any loss in life (when children grow up and leave home; when we lose a job and the identity that goes with it; when we lose a significant other who was the only source of unconditional love in our life). To find the gift in loss, we must first learn what it is that our loved one gave us that we don’t yet give to ourselves — and then find ways to learn somehow to provide this for ourselves — to become more whole, more inter-dependent as opposed to dependent on those we love, for the sake of our own growth and our own relationships. Ask yourself this question: Do you love yourself the way you love your deceased beloved? And do you love yourself the way your deceased beloved loves you? You may respect yourself for certain roles and certain accomplishments, but do you love yourself — unconditionally — even half as much or as fully as your beloved loves you? Loving another can be so out of balance. You can never ever reconcile the grief of losing a loved one as long as you pine for what that person gave you without even trying to learn to give it to yourself — to love yourself. The lesson here is that the profound, unconditional love we get from our loved ones need not die with them. We need not be without that love, even after their death. You can learn to love yourself. We still need to be loved by others — but if we don’t love ourselves first, we need and expect too much from other beings to meet our needs. If we’re dependent only on an external source for love, we set ourselves up for horrible suffering at the time of separation or death. When we learn to love ourselves, we will still experience the pain of loss, but our suffering will change to quiet grace. — Teresa Wagner, in Legacies of Love I'd like to point you to some other readings that I hope will offer you some additional insights: When Everything Matters, by Nina Aisen Grief, Transition and Healing, by Jo Christner, PsyD (attached file, below) Healing Through Creating Balance, by Jo Christner, PsyD (attached file, below) Finding Meaning in Grief, by Sameet M. Kuman, PhD (attached file, below) How Long Does Grief Last, by Judy Tatelbaum (attached file, below) GriefTransitionHealing.Christner.doc HealingThroughCreatingBalance.Christner.doc Finding_Meaning_in_Grief.doc HowLongDoesGriefLast.JudyTatelbaum.doc

Dear One, you asked, See all the posts (two pages) in this thread: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...5&hl=dreams

Chai, you said, and Deb, you said, Would you consider adding these selections to our Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart page? Just go to the bottom of the page where you'll see a place to Leave a Reply . . .

Chai, dear, I don't know if you've read this article yet, but it offers some very helpful information on this topic: I Don't Care How Long It's Been -- Can We Talk about My Loved One? by Bob Baugher. Also, I want to be sure that you are aware of this organization, National Students of AMF, whose mission is “to support all college students with an ailing or deceased loved one, empower all college students to fight back against terminal illness, and raise awareness about the needs of grieving college students . . . by developing chapters of Students of AMF on college campuses nationwide, providing information and support through our website, awarding leadership scholarships, distributing research grants, conducting conferences on college student bereavement, and holding fundraising events . . ." Read more about AMF in this thread: Grief Support Group Helping College Students

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Golden, Jakey. What a handsome fellow! I know that no one can fill that Jakey-sized hole in your heart or take away the pain that you are feeling right now, but I can assure you that you don't have to endure it all alone. If you've not already done so, I hope you will take the time to explore the pages of my Grief Healing Web site, which offers lots of useful information, comfort, and support. Doing so will help you to better understand what you are feeling right now. See especially the links I've listed on the Pet Loss Articles page. You say that Jakey died two days ago. I don't know what, if any, sort of ceremony you held, but as a bereavement counselor, I can tell you that planning and participating in a memorial service can bring great satisfaction to those who mourn the loss of a cherished companion animal. Such a service makes the fact of the death more real, gives family members the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about the lost pet, and enables everyone to reflect on and acknowledge the important role the animal played in their lives. A memorial service may be held at any time after the pet's death, and its function is to remember and to celebrate the loved one's life. Oftentimes the mood is positive and uplifting. A service for a much loved pet can be as small and private or as open and elaborate as a person or family wishes, and a memorial service can be delayed as long as its planning requires. There is a passage from Robert Fulghum's book, Uh-Oh that I just love -- it's about his first experience holding a funeral for a friend's dog. It's posted on my Web site's Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, but I've cut and pasted it here for you: . . . We did indeed gather on that Sunday morning in August — thirty of us — and told stories that were as much about us as Gyda [the dog]. Mostly about the attachments possible between living creatures when they are patient with one another. We buried her ashes under a rhododendron bush that’s planted in a barrel on her owners’ back porch. I always nod in her direction when I pass by. Gyda. The grand old virgin aunt in the dog suit. My seminary training didn’t cover how to perform a dog funeral. It takes a real dog to teach that. And when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears. — Robert Fulghum, in Uh-Oh And there is this, which I have posted on my Comfort for Grieving Hearts page, also by Robert Fulghum: On Wednesday morning, the family stayed home from work and school. Snowball was driven to the vet and put to sleep painlessly. Placed in her favorite sleeping place— an old brown-leather house slipper, which was put in a small, lidded basket lined with straw and placed in the front seat between Lucy and her dad. The family car became a hearse for the ride home. Snowball, the tiny wonder dog from South America, living under an assumed name and disguised as a Guinea pig, was laid to rest in a grave dug underneath the willow tree in the backyard. Lucy and her mom and dad thanked Snowball for all the good times and filled in the grave. And marked it with a large flat stone on which Lucy had written in paint: “Happy Days, Snowball.” This story, of course, is not about pets. It’s about any life and death. It’s about the deep attachments we make to other living things. It’s about the obligatory rituals of hello and good-bye when we become attached to the life around us. And it’s about how we help children understand the basic lessons of existence. To an outsider, Snowball was just a Guinea pig. But Snowball was also a teacher from whom Lucy learned about responsibility, affection, reproduction, imagination, sorrow, and death. Lucy’s grandmother is dying now, and Snowball made dealing with that easier for everyone in the family. Snowball, Grandma, Mother, Father, and someday Lucy. It is the way of living things. All of them. Now Lucy knows. — Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Lives See also the resources listed on my site's Memorializing a Pet page. The suggestions I've included below are adapted from one of the lessons contained in an online e-mail course I've written; you can get a sense of it at Course Overview: Pet Loss, A Different Grief. Any one of these ideas may spark your own imagination as you think of ways to memorialize Jakey: - Reminisce with family members or friends who knew Jakey. Talk about the funny or silly (or annoying!) habits he had. Such reflections will help you plan your own unique ceremony of remembrance, and will help you express and work through your grief as well. - Make a special place in your home, yard or workplace that acknowledges and honors Jakey's life — a place where you can go (or be) and remember your lost friend. - Involve the whole family in the planning of the memorial service for Jakey. Make it as simple or as elaborate as you like and invite whomever you choose, as long as it meets your need to express and share your sorrow, pay tribute to your deceased pet and support one another as you say goodbye. - Write an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a farewell letter, an obituary or a eulogy for Jakey. (See, for example, the story about my dad writing an obituary for his beloved dog, Moose: Memorializing a Cherished Pet.) If you don't want to write for someone else, you can keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief. Say what you are feeling, what you will miss most, what you will always remember with fondness. Say what the relationship gave you and tell how your life will be influenced by having known and loved Jakey. - Share anecdotes and favorite stories about Jakey. Sometimes others need permission to talk about your deceased pet. Better to keep the memory of your beloved pet alive than pretend that nothing has changed. - Decorate a candle and light it in memory of your cherished pet. - Purchase a book — perhaps a children's book — on coping with the loss of a pet, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of Jakey." - Make a memorial shadow box or scrapbook. - Save something that belonged to Jakey (collar, tags, food and water dishes; bed or blanket; toys; a clipping of fur or baby teeth.) - Carry a clipping of fur in a tiny container or locket. - Collect all the snapshots of Jakey in a memory box, an album or a collage. Frame a favorite picture of him and display it in a special place. Give a copy as a gift to another grieving family member. Have a professional portrait of him painted or drawn by an artist from a favorite photograph. Have a favorite picture of him imprinted on a watch, mug, stein, T-shirt or sweatshirt. - Buy a statue or a stuffed animal that reminds you of Jakey, and put his collar around its neck. If ever Jakey's grave must be left behind because of a move, take a picture of the grave site before you move, and keep that in a special place that can be visited instead. Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to him. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker or statue. - If enough combings, wool or fur clippings from your pet have been saved, they can be cleaned, spun into yarn, and made into an afghan, garment or rug. - Inscribe a plaque or nameplate with Jakey's name, years of birth and death, and whatever else you choose to write in tribute. Put the plaque on a framed photograph or wooden memory box, hang it on the wall, attach it to a garden bench or other piece of furniture, or display it near his grave. - Make a donation in Jakey's honor to a pet grief support service, to a favorite animal charity or organization, to a special service organization or to a research foundation. (The cause of your dog's death may guide you in this choice.) - Volunteer for work in a pet grief support service, an animal shelter, humane organization, or other "people helping animals / animals helping people" program. Become an active member of the local Humane Society. Join or help start a pet grief support helpline, group or service in the community. See also these resources: "Funerals for Pets?" at http://www.griefhealing.com/article-funerals-for-pets.htm "Pet Loss Support, Monday Candle Ceremony and Rainbow Bridge" at http://www.petloss.com I hope these suggestions help, my friend. Obviously I think there is great benefit in learning all you can about the grief that accompanies pet loss and how to manage it, as well as memorializing a cherished pet, and I hope you'll share with us your plans to remember your faithful friend.

Leeann, I am by no means an expert in the technical stuff, but I think your problem may have to do with cookies (the text files that Web sites store on your computer to identify you when you come back to them). You might try clearing your cache (the place where Internet Explorer saves copies of Web pages that you've accessed, to make things faster if you look at the same page again). If you use Vista, you clear it by starting Internet Explorer, then clicking on Tools, then Internet Options, then choosing the appropriate button under the General tab. I'm not sure how it works in XP, but I imagine the process is similar. Another thing I always try when things stop working properly is to re-boot the computer ~ oftentimes that helps to clear out pesky problems like this. Let us know if any of these approaches works for you.

Kay, dear, have you thought of any ways that you could memorialize Lucky, as a way of paying tribute to her? It's really never too late to do that, you know, and it may help you to feel better about "giving her the time and attention she needs." See, for example, Delayed Grief: Parent Loss and Pet Loss Funerals for Pets? Memorializing a Cherished Pet

Kay, dear ~ I want to gently suggest that your feeling hurt and sad instead of angry is an indication that you are being honest with yourself and with us, and that you are in touch with your genuine feelings of grief and loss, despite what anyone else thinks you "should" or "shouldn't" feel. Remember that for some, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss. You feel what you feel. Get in touch with those feelings, accept them for what they are, express them in any way that feels right to you, and one day you'll be able to let them go. It's only when we try to suppress or deny what we're really feeling that we get into trouble. We know this is hard, but you're doing just fine, dear one.

It makes perfect sense, and it's a powerful insight, Temmie. In the end, it's all in how we choose to look at things, isn't it? You are discovering one of the most important lessons in loss ~ that everything in this earthly life of ours is transitory and temporary . . .

This song isn't on our Grief Songs page, but it certainly is one that moved me to tears. Go to this Web site, scroll to the bottom of the page, and click on the "play" link after the song entitled Live for Me. Here are the lyrics to the song: Live for Me If I could, I would tell you that I love you, And that I chose to spend the time I had with you. If I could, I would tell you that you are not to blame – For all was written in the stars, so long ago… If I could I would tell you that I love you, And just how much our time together meant to me - How I remember every kiss, and the loving arms that held me I’d beg of you, please don’t forget to live! LIVE FOR ME! Don’t take a moment for granted – Every breath you take and every friend you make is a precious, precious gift - LIVE FOR ME! Open up your heart and let the people that surround you Help you love again -- LOVE and LIVE for me!!! If I could, I would tell you that I love you, And I remember every precious moment shared – I would ask you to release, any pain that still remains And fill your heart with peace and love for you and me If I could, I would tell you that I love you, I would hold your hand and tell you that I’m fine. ‘Cause here I play with the angels, and I even dance with God And the love and light I feel is all I need! LIVE FOR ME! Don’t take a moment for granted – Every breath you take and every friend you make is a precious, precious gift - LIVE FOR ME! Open up your heart and let the people that surround you Help you love again -- LOVE and LIVE for me!!! Forgive yourself and love yourself and Love all those around you --- in memory of me – LIVE FOR ME! Your life is a gift of mine as much as it is yours – So please, please, LIVE and LOVE for Me!

Kath, you said, That is such a great question ~ Would you be willing to post it in our Loss of a Parent or Grandparent forum, too?

Shelley, dear, I'm so sorry for your loss ~ Please convey our deepest sympathy to your friend, and you already know that we will welcome her with open arms, should she decide to join us here.

And you shall have them, Mel ~ from all of us

I'm so pleased to learn that you're all using our new Grief Songs page ~ it truly is a wonderful mix of all those beautiful songs and videos we have recommended to one another ~ something for every taste ~ and I think it's a lovely reflection of what makes our GH family so special. If you've not yet visited this page, please do so ~ and I hope you'll think of it as one of our precious gifts to each other, and now to the rest of the world: Grief Songs: Music for the Grieving Heart

Teny, our dear friend from far away, you and your family are in our hearts and in our prayers, always

Kay and Wendy, I believe that many others will profit and learn so much from your willingness to share so openly and so honestly what you are thinking and feeling as you go through these gut-wrenching experiences. I, for one, am deeply grateful to you both, and honored that you trust us enough to share your stories here with all of us. Bless you both.

This heartwarming bit of news comes to us from The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee (eTrunklines Newsletter, January 2009) Tarra & Bella -- Oh My! On Friday, January 2nd, Steve Hartman of CBS News with Katie Couric aired a wonderful little story about Tarra and Bella's unique relationship. Of course, Sanctuary supporters have known about this beautiful friendship for years... but nothing could have prepared us for what would happen when Tarra and Bella entered America's living room one night. The Sanctuary has been absolutely overwhelmed with calls and emails from people who were deeply touched by their story. And that was before the video began spreading like wildfire on the internet. Nearly two weeks later, Tarra and Bella are the #1 ranked video on the CBS News website, and various channels featuring the video clip on YouTube have amassed more than a million hits all over the world... and still counting! It appears that Tarra, the inspiration for The Elephant Sanctuary, is not finished with her mission just yet. Fourteen years later, she is sparking a whole new wave of awareness and understanding about elephants--underscoring their social, sensitive, passionately intense, playful, complex, and exceedingly intelligent lives. We can't help but hope this is a positive sign for captive elephants in 2009. Way to go, Tarra! Watch the video clip here: Learn more about The Elephant Sanctuary here: http://www.elephants.com/ If you'd like to receive e-Trunklines, the Elephant Sanctuary's monthly email updates newsletter, you can add your name to the mailing list here: https://app.e2ma.net/app/view:Join/signupId...ilingId:1493622

An update from Michele Neff Hernandez, Founder, Widowsbond.com and Director, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation: The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation team is approaching 2009 with eager anticipation…we can’t wait to see you at the first EVER National Conference on Widowhood. We have an exceptional line up of speakers who will be speaking about topics YOU care about. Visit http://www.sslf.org/c_speakers.html for information on our fantastic speakers’ panel. We have partnered with the San Diego Symphony to bring you a “Musical Evening Under the Stars,” featuring the fabulous San Diego Symphony, who will be joined by a variety of musical guests. Proceeds will benefit a unique initiative in support of improving the condition of global widowhood…and your ticket to this amazing evening is included with your registration (for as long as tickets last)! Professionals in need of continuing education credit can join us for our Pre-Conference event scheduled for Friday, July 17th. We welcome Tom Golden LCSW, Dr. Michele Reiss Ph D, Pamela Gabbay MA FT, and Carla Fine, author of No Time to Say Goodbye; Surviving the Suicide of Someone You Love. Each workshop presentation will be three hours in length, and our bookstore, run by the Centering Corporation, will be available during the lunch break.Contact info@sslf.org for workshop topics and registration information. You don’t want to miss this first of its kind event. Whether you are a new widow/ widower, a widow/widower who has walked a bit further down the path, a widow/widower who has remarried and is living a new and full life, a support person of a widow or widower, a bereavement professional, or a member of the clergy…we have something at this conference that will touch and inspire you. Together our energy can make a positive change in the world. Join us as we put one foot in front of the other toward the goal of living life with joy and hope.

Thank you, Wendy ~ the video is magnificent. (This song is already among the ones we've listed on our new Web page, Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart. Please feel free to go and spend some time there, just listening to the beautiful collection we've all put together . . .)

Dear Ones, I'm pleased to see that some of you have already begun using our Calendar feature. Please note, however, that now we have TWO calendars we can use: the Grief Healing Discussion Groups Calendar AND the Special Days Calendar, and you must choose which calendar you intend to use before you post your event. When you want to post an event (such as your loved one's birthday or death day), make sure that you have selected the Special Days Calendar instead of the other one, which by default shows the birthdays of all our registered (living) members. Please read the instructions I've posted, and make sure you follow each step as written ~ otherwise you may find that your event is posted on the wrong calendar. If you have any questions about this new feature, please don't hesitate to post them here, so we all can benefit from the same information!

The following request was posted by KayC in our Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other forum on January. 10, 2009 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=28112: I often wished this site had a calendar that would have our "death date", our "anniversary", both of our birthdays...maybe even another place we could add a day that was special to us. It would be nice if we could remember those days to encourage or uplift each other...sometimes I find that people avoid saying anything on those days because they don't want to remind us...ha! Like we need reminding! We never forget, and someone acknowleging it actually makes me feel better, not worse. I wonder, would it be possible for this site to have such a thing as a calendar we could record these things on? It lets us know of our birthdays, but it'd be nice if at the bottom of that part of the site it would put the applicable events, not just birthdays. In response to Kay’s request, I’ve just added a SPECIAL DAYS CALENDAR to our Discussion Groups site. This calendar is in addition to the one we have already (which by default displays our members’ birthdays). You can use this calendar to post the birth day and death day of your loved one, or any other day that was special for the two of you and that you’d like all of us to remember with you. If you are not familiar with our Calendar feature, notice that, at the very top of the main page, on the right side of the page, there are links entitled: Calendar Members Search Help If you click on the Calendar link, you’ll be taken to our Grief Healing Discussion Groups Calendar page, which displays the current month and the names of members whose birthdays occur in that particular month. Scroll down to the bottom of the page, until you see in the middle blue bar, Calendar Jump. Click on the down arrow, and in the drop-down list that appears, click on Special Days. This takes you to our new calendar, created especially for the purpose that Kay describes above. By default, the calendar displays the current month in the large box in the center and the previous, current and next month in smaller boxes along the left side. You can advance through the months by clicking the << or >> links at the top, on either side of the name of the current month. Each week has a >> icon on the left, which you can click to view that week in a diary format. At the bottom of the page you can use the Calendar Navigation features to view the current month or the current week. The Calendar Jump, also at the bottom of the page, allows you to select a very specific month and year to display, as well as choosing which calendar to display. Events You can add a new event to the calendar by clicking one of the three links in the bottom right section marked Add New Event. An event can be: • Single – Only occurs once • Ranged – Occurs over several days/weeks/months • Recurring – Occurs several times at regular intervals Click on Add New Single Event, and you’ll be taken to the Manage Calendar Event page. The first option is to add a title for the event. This is what will appear on the calendar view. (Example: John Doe, 2007). Next, a date for the event is required. This is the calendar's date on which you want the title of your event to appear. The next option asks you to choose which calendar to add this event to and whether you want this to be a public event or one that just you can see. Make sure that Special Days is the calendar you've selected. Next you need to enter a description for the event. The rich text editor is the same as when you are adding or replying to a new topic. (You can add as much or as little text as you like; on the calendar itself, the title of your event will appear as a link to the text you've placed here.) Finally, you can choose whether or not you wish to enable emoticons in the main body. If enabled, then any textual emoticons that have an icon will be converted to that. You are cordially invited to begin using our Special Days calendar now, and if you have any trouble at all, please don’t hesitate to let me know, at tousleym@aol.com.

All fixed now, Shelley. See Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart