MartyT

This invitation comes to us from Nan and Gary Zastrow, founders of Wings Grief Education Ministry: How a Fortune Cookie Can Heal Grief Dear Friends, For our Holiday Grief program this year, we presented a program created by Nan Zastrow called How a Fortune Cookie Can Heal Grief, and we talked about the 12 Gifts of Hope you can give yourself or receive. Each of these gifts comes on the fortune in a fortune cookie. This project began as a result of our program and will continue for the next 12 months (December 2008 through November 2009). You are invited to participate. Each month, the Wings organization will send you the message in one of the 12 fortune cookies associated with our program. As a bereaved person or as a caregiver of a bereaved person, we would like to know how someone helped you (or your family or friend) with his or her grief as it relates to the fortune described. For more information about this project and for ideas and feedback received, visit www.wingsgrief.org and click on the 12 Gifts of Hope Project. BONUS By responding with an idea or story, you are eligible to receive a printed copy of this booklet when it is finished. For each response received, we will put your names in for a drawing of the How a Fortune Cookie Can Heal Grief program booklet. Drawings will be done once a month. When the program booklet is printed, you will receive a complimentary copy. We hope that the analogy of the fortune cookie and how it evolved into this project will be inspiration enough to make this a valuable tool for learning how to help someone who is grieving. The accumulation of stories and responses will provide additional support and recognition that people are trying to help us with our grief. This is an ongoing project and feedback will be added to the website occasionally. We invite you to participate with ideas you might have. Send your brief story by email to nangary@mail.com or wings1@charter.net This link will take you to ideas of how to give and receive 12 Gifts of Hope: 12 Gifts of Hope Project

Wendy, dear, I don't know if you saw this earlier post, but you ~ or someone who is willing to do it on your behalf ~ might want to explore some of the resources listed there: Cancer Diagnosis

This message comes to us via e-mail (12/02/08 @ 3:10 p.m.) from Judith: hi there.. Sorry to bother you but I was wanting people's experiences about what ADC's they had, or why they had come to believe the way they do about life after death. I have complied a few, I want to put them either in a book or on a Web site,to help folks understand . . . I want a broader spectrum. I hate to say I'm writing a book ,I might not, and I just want from the heart what experiences there are out there. I just wondered if some of your people would want to share some with me: judith888@gmail.com Whatever you think is ok with me. I just feel the need to get some of these tales in print.. hugs Judy aka Feather

Dear Ones, So many members of our GH family are in need of our prayers right now, as they struggle to cope with the serious illnesses of their family members and loved ones. I want to remind everyone of the Prayer Wall Web site, which serves as a healing prayer circle for those in need. I also want to share with all of you this beautiful prayer by John O'Donohue, taken from his book, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings: May you be blessed in the holy names of those Who, without you knowing it, Help to carry and lighten your pain. May you know serenity When you are called To enter the house of suffering. May a window of light always surprise you. May you be granted the wisdom To avoid false resistance; When suffering knocks on the door of your life, May you glimpse its eventual gifts. May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering. May memory bless and protect you With the hard-earned light of past travail; To remind you that you have survived before And though the darkness now is deep, You will soon see approaching light. May the grace of time heal your wounds. May you know that though the storm might rage, Not a hair of your head will be harmed. [source: For Suffering, in To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings by John O'Donohue, p. 124.]

Oh my dear one, what wonderful news! I'm so glad to know that this surgery is behind you and that you are on the mend ~ Welcome back ~ We're so happy to "see" you here again

Deb, dear ~ We will add your brother to our prayer list . . .

Wendy, dear, we're all thinking of you and praying for you and your mom . . .

Teny, dear, I hope it helps to know that you and Anna and your precious grandbaby are in the hearts and prayers of all of us.

This announcement comes to us from Naomi Edelson, doctoral student at The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California: Take Part in Research Study on Social Relationships and Loss Has someone close to you died? A new study on social relationships and loss is being conducted by a doctoral student at The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. You are invited to participate in this important new study investigating interpersonal relationships and how they might have affected your feelings about your loss. In order to participate I would ask you to fill out a confidential 15 minute survey. All participants will have the option of being entered in a raffle to win a $100 gift certificate to Amazon.com. Your participation will contribute to a better understanding of relationships and loss. If you are over eighteen years of age and would like to participate, please go to the following link: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=yXh2...coMzVE7ew_3d_3d If you have any questions or would like the questionnaires to be sent to you, please contact Naomi Edelson by phone at (415) 290-0164 or by email at lossresearch@gmail.com. Thank you for your time and consideration.

My dear Wendy and Derek, You will notice that I’ve moved your most recent posts to this New Beginnings Forum, which I think is more suitable for their content. I’ve done this in deference to those members who are in a different place with their grief, some of whom may find it difficult or even painful to read your personal expressions of love and affection for each other. I believe that you both are operating with the very best of intentions: to convey to all our members the hope and belief that if the two of you can find love again, then others can do so as well ~ and because your hearts are so filled with joy and happiness, it’s understandable that you’d like everyone here to share in that joy and feel happy for you. As I’m sure you know, however, our membership includes those who are very new to this experience of grief, as well as those who’ve been on this journey for a very long time. For many mourners, the idea of finding love again is simply unimaginable, and the invitation to share in another widow and widower’s joy and happiness at finding new love with each other feels somehow foreign and out of place. When we are very new to grief (or still deep in the midst of it), it is difficult if not impossible to imagine surviving our grief, much less transcending it or even feeling joyful and happy again. To be sure, at some point in the grief process the time will come for many when we may feel ready to shift our focus away from the life we knew before and onto the life we are developing now. A number of us may have started already to put our lives together once again, and may be growing in important new directions. Some may even be thinking about establishing another romantic relationship, but have not a clue as to when, where, and how to begin. This New Beginnings Forum was created especially for those who wish to discuss these and other related matters with one another, and that is where I encourage the two of you to share your experiences in this regard. If you (or any other of our members) wish to continue sharing your stories and your messages of encouragement and hope with the rest of us, by all means please feel free to do so ~ but I gently suggest to everyone that a more appropriate place for such posts would be in this New Beginnings Forum, rather than in the forum for Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other. That way, members who enter either of these forums will know better what content to expect, and won't be taken by surprise. Beyond that, if anyone feels the need to declare and / or reaffirm their personal feelings of love and affection for each other individually, it may be easier for our other members if that were done privately instead, via Personal Message, e-mail or other means.

Walt, dear, I'm so sorry that this tragic death has happened, and what a good friend you are to be searching for ways to help. Fortunately the Internet is rich with resources for survivors of suicide; many of them are listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. See also the page entitled Helping Someone Who's Grieving, where you will find links to articles like this one: Helping Survivors of Suicide: What Can You Do?

In addition to John's beautiful adaptation of the Jewish prayer, We Remember Them, you might consider using Sherry Williams' lovely candle-lighting ceremony. You'll find a description of it here: Including Your Absent Loved One in Family Celebrations.

leeann, I'm so sorry! You have my deepest sympathy . . .

When I count my blessings, I find that what I value most in life are the treasures that are free ~ including the members of our GH family, all of whom are so very dear to me. I am thinking of you all and wishing each one of you life's dearest blessings, on Thanksgiving Day and always

In Giving I Connect with Others by Isabel Allende I have lived with passion and in a hurry, trying to accomplish too many things. I never had time to think about my beliefs until my 28-year-old daughter Paula fell ill. She was in a coma for a year and I took care of her at home, until she died in my arms in December of 1992. During that year of agony and the following year of my grieving, everything stopped for me. There was nothing to do -- just cry and remember. However, that year also gave an opportunity to reflect upon my journey and the principles that hold me together. I discovered that there is consistency in my beliefs, my writing and the way I lead my life. I have not changed, I am still the same girl I was fifty years ago, and the same young woman I was in the seventies. I still lust for life, I am still ferociously independent, I still crave justice and I fall madly in love easily. Paralyzed and silent in her bed, my daughter Paula taught me a lesson that is now my mantra: You only have what you give. It's by spending yourself that you become rich. Paula led a life of service. She worked as a volunteer helping women and children, eight hours a day, six days a week. She never had any money, but she needed very little. When she died she had nothing and she needed nothing. During her illness I had to let go of everything: her laughter, her voice, her grace, her beauty, her company and finally her spirit. When she died I thought I had lost everything. But then I realized I still had the love I had given her. I don't even know if she was able to receive that love. She could not respond in any way, her eyes were somber pools that reflected no light. But I was full of love and that love keeps growing and multiplying and giving fruit. The pain of losing my child was a cleansing experience. I had to throw overboard all excess baggage and keep only what is essential. Because of Paula, I don't cling to anything anymore. Now I like to give much more than to receive. I am happier when I love than when I am loved. I adore my husband, my son, my grandchildren, my mother, my dog, and frankly I don't know if they even like me. But who cares? Loving them is my joy. Give, give, give -- what is the point of having experience, knowledge or talent if I don't give it away? Of having stories if I don't tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don't share it? I don't intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world and with the divine. It is in giving that I feel the spirit of my daughter inside me, like a soft presence. [source: This I Believe, on National Public Radio (NPR), All Things Considered, Monday April 4, 2004] (Novelist Isabel Allende was born in Peru and raised in Chile. When her uncle, Chilean President Salvador Allende, was assassinated in 1973, she fled with her husband and children to Venezuela. Allende has written more than a dozen novels, including The House of the Spirits and My Invented Country. Her most recent books include Zorro: A Novel and the final installment in her celebrated children's trilogy, Forest of the Pygmies.)

Kristin, dear, I understand the guilt ~ truly, I do. Several years ago my father lost his beloved Saint Bernard, Banjo, to this very same condition, and it nearly broke his heart. By the time he got her to his vet, there was nothing they could do to save her. My father was an outstanding physician, an excellent surgeon and certainly a skilled diagnostician ~ but he, too, did not recognize the symptoms in time to save his beloved Banjo. I promise you Kristin, that the time will come when you will be able to lay down your guilt and forgive yourself for this ~ but in the meantime, please allow yourself to feel whatever feelings may come up for you. It is a very necessary part of the process. I sincerely hope that you will think about finding an "in person" pet loss support group to help you deal with this ~ it can be a very powerful source of help for you. In the meantime, please keep reading the very last paragraph of your most recent post here ~ out loud, if necessary ~ and place a copy of those three lines on your bathroom mirror or your kitchen fridge. Keep repeating them to yourself until you're able to believe them.

Dear Ones, Maybe this passage from a book I just finished reading will help: Spiritual connections, sometimes called “continuing bonds,” “loving connections,” or “continuing relationships,” provide a way for us to include a loved one who has died in our life through the creation of symbols, images, and signs that are both powerful and essential for their continuing survival. It is clear that the death of a loved one does not end a relationship. Whether or not this relationship is transformed to a spiritual one, our loved ones are not forgotten just because they are no longer in their physical bodies. We talk about them, miss them, and most of us even find ourselves talking to them. However, creating a spiritual connection with them involves taking the relationship on a new path, just as if they had reached a new developmental stage in life and we’d need to find a new way to connect with them. A spiritual or loving connection is a different kind of relationship, but one that at times is even stronger than the one we had with them when they were on Earth. Our spiritual connection doesn’t die with our loved ones. How could it? Our energy is derived from God or, as some say, from Spirit, and returns to God. Just because we’d no longer have a physical body, how could it be that we wouldn’t continue to be a loved one? How could these connections not be Spirit-given? To continue an explanation of our loved one’s transformation, think of it this way. Take an ice cube out of your freezer and put it on the sidewalk. After a time, you will see a little puddle of water and the ice cube is no longer there. Again, more time passes and what happens to the puddle? Can you see it any longer? Does it make sense to you to say that it has disappeared and it no longer exists? Most of us would say that the water was in solid form when it was ice, in liquid form when it was the puddle, and in gas form when it evaporated from the sidewalk. It may be a bit of a stretch to think of human life in this way, but it may help to know that the water from the ice cube is still as real as your loved one is. It just is in another form. For healthy after-death connections, the relationship with our loved one must be reorganized and the loss assimilated in a way so that there is an openness for the communications to be heard, felt, and sometimes even seen. When this is accomplished, we will find hopefulness and be able to make a commitment to have our loved one be a part of our present and future without losing the past. Whatever connection is made – whether through a sign, symbol, thought, dream, or doing an act in the loved one’s name – it is this loving connection that seems to help us look toward the future and be willing to enter into life again. [pp. 23-24] [source: Surviving and Thriving: Grief Relief & Continuing Relationships, © 2008 by Jane Bissler, Deneene Florino & Sara Ruble, Spirituality Workshops]

Kay, dear, I agree completely with Jeanne's statement that this is, indeed, an appropriate place to talk about this problem. Whenever there is a loss of something important in our lives, we suffer grief, and mourning is a significant part of the divorce / breaking-up process. Usually for a death there is a set ritual with a funeral or memorial service, and some understanding in our culture that mourning is important. But for the death of a love relationship, there is no prescribed ritual of mourning, and the grief is seldom acknowledged or accepted. I'm reminded of a poignant quotation I placed some time ago on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: When we’ve changed our religious views or political convictions, a part of our past dies. When love ends, be it the first mad romance of adolescence, the love that will not sustain a marriage, or the love of a failed friendship, it is the same. A death. Likewise in the event of a miscarriage or an abortion: a possibility is dead. And there is no public or even private funeral. Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage. And the last rites are held in the solitude of one’s most secret self — a service of mourning in the tabernacle of the soul. — Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Daily Lives, 1995, p. 232 When a relationship dies, oftentimes there is an injury to one's own ego, a sense of failure and a diminished sense of self-worth. There are nagging questions about what went wrong, and many fears about the future. As you yourself have indicated, Kay, in order to get yourself into a position to enjoy life again, it's important to learn whatever lessons this experience has to teach you, to get to know yourself better and to develop new parts of yourself that you did not know were there before. When you have time to do so, I hope you will visit the Death of a Relationship page of my Grief Healing Web site. There you will find links to many articles and books that may be relevant to what you are experiencing. In the meantime, know that we're all with you as you continue to work your way through the challenges that lie ahead.

Kristin, dear, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and for the anguish, guilt and regret that you are feeling now in the wake of Missy’s death. I doubt that anything I can say will alleviate your pain, but I do want to share some thoughts with you. First, the fact that you are feeling guilty does not mean that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. Feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad -- they just are, and we cannot always control how we are feeling, even when we "know" (in our head, if not our heart) that what we're feeling may be irrational and unjustified. Such feelings need to be acknowledged and expressed, and exposed to the light of day, so we can examine and evaluate them more objectively, preferably with someone else who is not emotionally involved in our situation. This is why a support group (either online, like this one, or in person) can be so valuable -- it is a powerful way to share with others what it is that we feel so guilty about, so we can get an objective response from others -- and oftentimes what we hear is that, given the very same set of circumstances, others would have done exactly the same thing as we ourselves have done. I think you will find, however, that even if you do obtain all the understanding and forgiveness you can find from others, the person from whom you most need forgiveness is yourself. Unless and until you are ready to forgive yourself, you will not find the peace you seek. I believe that, when we feel this sort of guilt, we cannot let go of it until we feel as if we've been punished enough, or until we've made some sort of atonement, to make amends to the one we think we have harmed. (To learn what you can do with some of this guilt you're carrying around, please see my article, Loss and the Burden of Guilt.) I also happen to believe that guilt is not such a bad thing, after all. Only the really good people feel guilty ~ have you ever noticed that? Bad people don't feel guilty about anything, and certainly not about how they treat companion animals! It is only a person like yourself, clearly a loving, devoted animal lover, who would agonize over having minimized symptoms that most of us probably would have discounted or never even noticed in the first place. Obviously Missy was not displaying any signs that were significant enough to attract your vet’s attention when you did take your dog to see him ~ yet here you are, expecting yourself to be better at discerning and diagnosing illness than your own animal doctor was. The guilt you feel is probably unjustified -- but it is still there, and so it still must be acknowledged and expressed and examined -- confessed, if you will -- so that you can be done with it, obtain the forgiveness that you need, and eventually let it go. I encourage you to explore some ways that you can begin to unburden yourself of this heavy load of guilt that you’re carrying around with you. You might try, for example, writing a letter to Missy, expressing all your guilt and sorrow, and asking for her forgiveness. You could construct a private ritual around this for yourself (as simple or as elaborate as you choose), read the letter aloud to your dog, then set it afire, and let your guilt go and dissipate into the air, along with the smoke. I don’t know how you found our site, and I don’t know how much (if any) reading you’ve done about grief and what is normal in pet loss. If you haven’t done so already, I suggest you read some of the articles I have listed on the Pet Loss Articles page of my Grief Healing Web site. I believe that when you’re struggling with grief like this, it’s important to learn all you can about what is normal under such circumstances, so you feel less crazy and alone, and so you know better how to manage whatever reactions may come up for you. Another article you might find helpful is Breaking the Power of Guilt by Moira Allen. I hope this information helps, my dear, and I hope it also helps to know that we’re all thinking of you and sharing in your sorrow.

Very dear Kay ~ I can think of nothing better to say to you right now than the following, and I hope that you will take these words to heart. If any of this sounds familiar to you, it's because the words are your very own ~ the very wise words that you shared with Marsha and others in another post earlier this morning. My prayer for you is that you will apply this sound advice to yourself: " . . . we are here for you. Voice yourself, cry, scream kick the wall (not too hard, we don't want any broken toes), whatever you feel you need to do. Don't expect too much of yourself...if you LIKE taking on big home projects, fine, if not, don't! Be KIND to yourself, understanding and full of grace as if you were a best friend you were dealing with, cuz you know what? You ARE your best friend now! So treat yourself like one, take good care of yourself, get some exercise, try to get some sleep, eat healthy, pamper yourself now and then, even if it's only time out for a bubble bath. It's easy to isolate, try to get out a bit, make a new friend, force yourself to seek a new interest like painting or dancing or a second language. Maybe sign up for yoga to help you relax. Little by little your new life will come together, but it will be painfully hard and require concerted effort on your part. The hardest part is putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going, because you don't feel like it, you feel life for you has no more meaning. But life can take on new meaning, it just won't be the same, you have to look for small joys in whatever places you can find them...The important thing is finding that niche that is right for you. For me, I am once again about to embark on reestablishing my identity and rebuilding my life, and need to find that niche all over again...you will too, but it takes time." Kay, you are one of the most precious and valued members of our GH family, and I hope you know that we will be here to support you every step of the way, as you proceed with doing whatever you must do to free yourself from this destructive situation. You deserve so much better than this . . .

Kay, dear ~ I just found the following story in my e-mail this morning (sent to me by my friend Sandy Goodman, author of Love Never Dies). Given the title of this thread, it seems appropriate that I share it here with all of you: New York Times November 11, 2008 Frequent Flier Making a Connection on a Direct Flight By JOHN EDWARD; as told to JOAN RAYMOND MY life is about making connections. It can be amusing when people recognize me in the airport. There have been a number of times when someone on a cellphone glances at me, and then a split-second later I hear, “Oh my God, there’s the guy who talks to dead people.” I just shrug. But I really am the guy who talks to dead people. However, if you see me getting coffee at the airport and you come up and ask how your dead grandma is doing, I won’t be able to tell you. It really doesn’t work like that. Even if you offer to buy me a double espresso. But sometimes connections do happen when you least expect it. I was headed to Miami. And when I boarded the plane, I immediately noticed one particular flight attendant. The minute I saw her I wanted to give her a hug. I didn’t. I am not the kind of guy who gives strangers hugs for no reason. You can get arrested for that. But I thought my reaction was very unusual. Apparently, so did the attendant. She was looking at me as if she recognized me. I thought that maybe she knew me from TV. I went to my seat, and I didn’t think anything more it. But after we took off, she approached me and asked me whether I knew her family. I asked her some questions, like where they were from. But nothing clicked. I didn’t know them. During the flight she came up to me several other times, asking me whether I was absolutely sure I didn’t know her family. I kept saying that I did not. Finally, she approached me again and said that she thought I was connected to her father in some way. I wanted to put her at ease, so I told her I was that guy from TV and maybe she knew me from the show. She said she never heard of me or of my TV show “Cross Country.” At this point, my seatmate, who was listening to our various conversations, was absolutely dumbfounded that this attendant was still insisting that I knew her family. A few minutes later, another flight attendant approached me. She was quite upset. She said that she didn’t know who I was or what I do, but her colleague was quite emotional. And this attendant was sure I had something to do with it. Now, I thought the best thing I could do was get up out of my seat and go talk to the attendant who insisted that her family knew me. We sat in the galley area, and I told her how I wanted to give her a hug when I got on the plane, even though I didn’t know her. And then something amazing happened. I started talking to her about her dead father. I knew his name and the names of other people in her family who were with him on the other side. I told her about all the feelings he had for her and for his family. But most of all I told her he was O.K., and he wanted her to be well, too. I went to give her a hug. And then I placed two fingers on her shoulder. It was a gesture that was completely foreign for me. And when I placed my fingers on her shoulder, the attendant broke into tears. But they were tears of joy. She told me her dad used to do the same thing. I may not be able to tell you when a flight is going to be canceled or delayed. And I certainly can’t help you with stock tips. Or the blackjack table in Vegas. But sometimes, what I can do brings some closure to people who need it. By John Edward, as told to Joan Raymond. E-mail: joan.raymond@nytimes.com

Deborah, dear, it's okay if you're unable to "write today and be uplifting and positive." This is one place where it's all right to be exactly where you are, and you don't have to explain or apologize for your position to any of us. We all know that this is a very difficult day for you, but keep in mind that it is really no different from any other day ~ simply a day on the calendar. It has only as much (or as little) meaning or power over you as you are willing to give to it. You (and several of our other members) may not have any hope right now that things will get any better, but please know that here in this caring place, we are more than willing to hold that hope for you until you're ready to hold it again on your own.

Deb, dear, I'm so sorry to learn this awful news about your brother, and of course we will keep him in our prayers. You say you don't know who to talk to about this, and certainly you know that we are here for you to do just that ~ but in addition, I want to point you to these resources, specifically aimed at people affected by cancer (and those who love them): Cancer Care Support Services Cancer Care Connection CancerGuide Cancer Hope Network Gilda's Club: Cancer Support for Individuals & Families Cancer Support: Beliefnet Links to additional sites are listed here: Care Giving Links

Tara, dear ~ I'm so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved husband. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss, and know that we welcome you here with open arms and caring hearts. You said two things that I want to address. The first is that your parents are urging you to move "back home" with them. As you say, you know they mean well, and I'm sure it would make your folks feel better if you did as they ask ~ but when you're in the freshest throes of grief, it's important for you to do what makes YOU feel better ~ and right now you might not even know what, if anything, will help you to feel better! You've barely begun this grief journey, and no one else can tell you how to do it. This is for you to discover for yourself. There is no right or wrong way to travel this path, and there is no timetable for it, either. If making decisions is unavoidable (e.g., for financial reasons), get the best advice you can find. And until you're emotionally able to make decisions you won't regret later, try making ones that are reversible ~ for example, you might try visiting with your parents for a week or two before deciding to move in (or not). Second, you said your mom's "been riding me to get the thank you cards out." You might appreciate some of the comments on this topic that appear in this thread: I Don't Know How to Deal with This. I'd like to suggest to you that, if ever there is a time when you’re entitled to ignore the rules of etiquette, or a time when immediate thanks is neither expected nor required, it is when you are in mourning. It is perfectly acceptable to express your gratitude for gifts of flowers, donations and other acts of kindness later, when other affairs are in order and when you may feel more up to the task. It is also quite appropriate to delegate this task to those family members and friends who are willing and able to do it on your behalf. Maybe this would be a good project for your mother.

John, dear ~ While I understand your heartfelt wish that if only you could have traded places with your beloved Jack, his life here with his family would be wonderful, I want to gently suggest to you that this is only an assumption on your part. Even if Jack were still alive today, there is no guarantee that everything would turn out as perfectly as you describe. Your post reminded me of the following passage from a wonderful book I've just finished reading entitled Soul Shift: Finding Where the Dead Go, by Mark Ireland. (Mark's dramatic story of a father’s unbearable loss and his journey to find where the dead go offers hope to the bereaved, and provides compelling evidence that death is not the end of our existence.) It seems to me that what Mark Ireland has decided to do with his grief is not unlike what you have chosen to do with yours. On page 160, he writes: It suddenly became clear to me that Brandon’s passing was necessary in order for me to help many other people. This might sound callous or facile, but it wasn’t – not the way it happened inside me. After all, I was not being asked to sacrifice Brandon to God like Isaac. He was gone for reasons beyond my control or plan, and nothing could bring him back. So what I was left with was a choice about how to view it and what I would let the death do to me, how I let it grow inside me. I could feed it my grief and pain, or I could feed it my wonder and faith. Whatever choice I made would determine who I became. So when I took the spiritual path, the death changed from an accident and tragedy into a karmic and esoteric event. Then I had no choice but to accept it as a positive thing and grow. I probably still would have thrown it all away just to have my son back, but the universe didn’t provide that option. Once I changed my outlook, I realized that my loss of Brandon was not a meaningless accident. I had woken up to a greater potential and gained a reference point from which I could contribute to the universe in many new ways. I could develop powers of insight, skills to serve as a bridge between realms, and I could relate to others struggling with loss in a way that allowed me to help them and show them the path I had found. Not didactically, thank goodness, but out of the crucible of my own suffering. People in pain would know I shared their anguish at some level, so I was able to transfer my empathy and, in a sense, help bear their burden through my own grief. Like the shaman who turns his wound into a healing skill, I had become a grief counselor out of my own heartache. I had earned my way.