MartyT

Rosemary, see also How to Find Grief Support in Your Own Community

Oh Sherry ~ your beautiful and touching story warmed my heart tonight. Thank you!

liberty, dear, you have our deepest sympathy, and our thoughts and prayers are with you on this sad and difficult day . . .

Kim, dear, please do NOT permit this guy to define who and what you are. You know better than that ~ we ALL know better. What he said to you was just plain cruel ~ not to mention WRONG ~ and you've already learned all you need to know about him. Good riddance, I say.

My dear Barb, you don't need anyone's permission to join our GH family, least of all, mine. What you do have is our warmest welcome. We are delighted to have you here with us.

Barb,I am so impressed with your honesty and insight, and your willingness to take responsibility for what you choose to make of your own life. You are a shining example of a person who's deliberately chosen to find meaning in your loss and take charge of your life. You are an inspiration to all of us. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

Kath, dear, that sounds like a wonderful idea! As you put together your resources, please take some time to explore all the pages of my Grief Healing Web site ~ I've spent several years gathering and categorizing links to all sorts of resources that are listed there, and I'm sure many of them will be helpful to the people you're wanting to serve. (The Site Map page probably would be the best place to start.) In any event, I applaud you for your efforts, and I wish you all the best!

Okay, Kath, thank you! Now I've got it! This is the post, in Grief Caught Me This Time: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...findpost&p=3439

Kath, I think you might be referring to this piece, which also appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: The Elephant in the Room There’s an elephant in the room. It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it. Yet, we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine”. . . And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about school or work. We talk about everything else — except the elephant in the room. We all know it is there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk. It is constantly on our minds, For you see, it is a very big elephant. But we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Oh, please, say her name. Oh, please, say ‘Barbara’ again. Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. For if we talk about her death, Perhaps we can talk about her life. Can I say ‘Barbara’ and not have you look away? For if I cannot, then you are leaving me Alone . . . in a room . . . With an elephant. — Terry Kettering, in Bereavement Magazine, Reprinted in Ann Landers’ Column, Arizona Republic, February 12, 2000

Rosemary, dear ~ Fred is absolutely right: You are not crazy. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with your wanting one day to have your cremains co-mingled with those of your husband and beloved canine companions. This desire is more common than you might think ~ and if you think of the ancient Egyptians whose pyramids were found to contain the mummified remains of their pets, you will see that it's a practice that is neither new nor crazy. See, for example, this issue of Death Care Business Advisor.

Oh my dear Teny, it's so good to hear from you again, and I'm so pleased to learn that you've started this form of therapy, as I do believe that it will prove to be helpful to you. Please know that all the members of your GH family here on this site are pulling for you! Also, please know that your efforts to convey your thoughts and feelings to us are always successful. We all marvel at your ability to communicate with us, knowing as we do that English is not your first language. You may not realize it, Teny, but your willingness to work so hard to do this is evidence of your remarkable courage, determination, and strength. We all are very, very proud of you, our dear friend from the beautiful land of Greece!

Kath, dear ~ Dealing with the insensitivity of others is one of the hardest aspects of mourning, most especially when it is our own family members who just don't get it. I think you might find these articles helpful ~ and you might even consider printing some of them, to hand out to some of those folks in your circle: Common Myths, Misconceptions about Grief Helping Another in Grief What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of Don'ts Words of Comfort for the Person in Mourning Words to Avoid When Comforting the Bereaved What Is a Compassionate Friend? You Should Be Over "IT"

Dear liberty, I'm so glad that Mary Linda has sent you all those virtual hugs, and let me add my voice to hers in welcoming you to this warm and caring place. I, too, am sorry for all the pain and suffering you're experiencing right now ~ but if "a site where I can vent, cry and share" is what you're seeking, I hope you'll take some comfort in knowing that you've certainly found it here.

Dewey, dear, I'm pleased to see that you found your way onto our site, where you will find some of the most caring, compassionate and loving people in the world ~ but I am so very sorry for your loss and all the reasons that brought you here. Your decision to seek grief therapy is a wise one, as is your decision to join us here -- and all of that tells me that you intend to take good care of yourself as you proceed through this journey of grief. Please know that you are not alone on this path, and rest assured that here you most certainly are being held in gentle thought and prayer.

Dear One, I’m so sorry to learn that at such a young age yourself, you’ve had to endure the loss of not just one, but of both of the father figures in your life, and I can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you. I think your statement that “I need to make my birthday my own again” is telling. By the age of 21, you’d already experienced far more significant loss than most people have who are much older than you, and now, at the age of 24, it’s certainly understandable that you’re wanting to leave all this death behind you and get on with your own life. You also say that you “didn’t deal with either deaths well,” which leads me to believe that you probably didn’t have the benefit of talking with someone knowledgeable about the grief process, a support group for bereaved children, or a few meetings with a grief counselor to help you come to terms with either of these losses. When grief is not dealt with effectively at the time a loss occurs, it has a way of popping up again, oftentimes when we least expect it. (An example of this is the guilt you’re feeling over wanting to get on with your life and, as you say so vividly, make your birthday your own again. Guilt is a very common component of grief, and even if it’s irrational and totally unjustified, it can make you miserable unless and until you find a way to understand and deal with it.) Unfortunately, unaddressed grief never really “goes” anywhere ~ it simply lies there, waiting for us to take care of it. But the good news is that it’s never too late to do the work of grief, and your coming here to participate in this Loss of a Parent forum is a wonderful place to start. I want to point you to two earlier posts in this forum that discuss dealing with the death of a parent at an early age. Although in these two cases the parent who died was a mother rather than a father, I think the content of the messages may be of particular interest to you: Can't Sleep, posted on Feb. 14, 2006 Gone and Forgotten, posted on May 9, 2005

Simply beautiful, Kath ~ Thank you for sharing it with all of us (You might consider placing your copyright on it.)

Kath, dear, I want to add my voice in extending our deepest sympathy to you for the death of your husband. I also want to thank you for asking this important question, as I don't think it's ever been raised here before. I must say that I agree with Fred: Be honest in the interview. It seems to me that what matters to any future employer is not so much the applicant's past but rather, the person's present attitude and ability to do the work for which he or she is being hired. I found some articles online about this that I hope will be helpful to you: Gaps in Employment? Explain Clearly; Tell the Truth Getting Past the Sting and Stigma of Being Fired

My dear Teny, I’m so pleased to learn that you decided to return to the therapist with whom you feel more comfortable and better understood, and I think his suggestion to try EMDR is a wonderful idea! EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is simply a biofeedback technique in which the eyes quickly go back and forth. The theory behind this approach is based on the observation that during rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep, the brain is able to make associations and process information more quickly than during normal waking hours. Imitating REMs in the waking hours is believed to activate the same sort of speedy processing and associative leaps that were previously only attainable during dream states. Many scientifically controlled studies support the effectiveness of EMDR, not only in the treatment of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), but also in the treatment of grief. You can read more about EMDR here: A Brief Description of EMDR When you see your therapist tomorrow, Teny, I hope you will feel our arms wrapped around you, embracing you in huge, warm hugs. Know too that you carry with you always our strongest encouragement and support.

Mary Linda, dear ~ "Grief Overload" is a topic we've visited many times. See, for example, Grief Caught Me This Time.

Jeanne, dear ~ You get through these difficult days just as you get through any other day: one day at a time, with a little help from your friends, including the members of your GH family. Know that you and Alex are in our thoughts and hearts today . . .

Sherry, dear, both Mary Linda and her mother are being held by all of us in gentle thought and prayer.

All together, now: Hip, Hip Hooray for Kim

To Wendy and Fred ~ This is my wish for you: May You Be Blessed

Joe, I know your support group meets tonight ~ take it one hour at a time until you get there. You will get through this day, and know that we're all thinking of you in the meantime . . .

Oh Annie, how perfect is that?