MartyT

John, dear ~ While I understand your heartfelt wish that if only you could have traded places with your beloved Jack, his life here with his family would be wonderful, I want to gently suggest to you that this is only an assumption on your part. Even if Jack were still alive today, there is no guarantee that everything would turn out as perfectly as you describe. Your post reminded me of the following passage from a wonderful book I've just finished reading entitled Soul Shift: Finding Where the Dead Go, by Mark Ireland. (Mark's dramatic story of a father’s unbearable loss and his journey to find where the dead go offers hope to the bereaved, and provides compelling evidence that death is not the end of our existence.) It seems to me that what Mark Ireland has decided to do with his grief is not unlike what you have chosen to do with yours. On page 160, he writes: It suddenly became clear to me that Brandon’s passing was necessary in order for me to help many other people. This might sound callous or facile, but it wasn’t – not the way it happened inside me. After all, I was not being asked to sacrifice Brandon to God like Isaac. He was gone for reasons beyond my control or plan, and nothing could bring him back. So what I was left with was a choice about how to view it and what I would let the death do to me, how I let it grow inside me. I could feed it my grief and pain, or I could feed it my wonder and faith. Whatever choice I made would determine who I became. So when I took the spiritual path, the death changed from an accident and tragedy into a karmic and esoteric event. Then I had no choice but to accept it as a positive thing and grow. I probably still would have thrown it all away just to have my son back, but the universe didn’t provide that option. Once I changed my outlook, I realized that my loss of Brandon was not a meaningless accident. I had woken up to a greater potential and gained a reference point from which I could contribute to the universe in many new ways. I could develop powers of insight, skills to serve as a bridge between realms, and I could relate to others struggling with loss in a way that allowed me to help them and show them the path I had found. Not didactically, thank goodness, but out of the crucible of my own suffering. People in pain would know I shared their anguish at some level, so I was able to transfer my empathy and, in a sense, help bear their burden through my own grief. Like the shaman who turns his wound into a healing skill, I had become a grief counselor out of my own heartache. I had earned my way.

Whew! Thanks for letting us know, leeann

Thank you so much for mentioning this, Mary Linda! Hospice of the Valley's In Touch Bereavement Newsletters are available for viewing on HOV's Bereavement page. Once there, scroll down to Books and Resources, then In Touch, a bimonthly newsletter, then click on whichever issue you want to read. The articles you mention are taken from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. Your post gives me an opportunity to share with all our members the good news that Hospice of the Valley has just released the second edition of the book, newly expanded and revised. Click on the book's title to read more.

Jenn, dear ~ If you've gone to several different counselors, all of whom wanted you "to move forward," I am left to wonder if the people you saw were specialized in grief, loss and transition. As in any other profession nowadays, there are generalists and specialists, and the field of counseling can be quite broad. Not all counselors specialize (that is to say, are trained, educated, experienced, certified and skilled) in grief counseling. As a consumer of health care, you have a right to know what level of expertise you're seeking in a counselor, and you are wise to ask specific questions about that before you decide to enlist the services of any counselor or therapist. As others have mentioned, everyone is different, and in the end, it is up to you to decide what is most helpful to you as you travel your own journey through grief. Nevertheless, I thought you might find it helpful to read some earlier posts dealing with the value of seeking counseling: Reluctant to Seek Counseling: “my husband says he's worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor......that would be defeating for me.......” Never Too Late to Do the Work of Mourning: “when the unfinished business of loss is getting in the way of living your life” Support Group Didn't Help - What Now? Counseling: “I didn’t want to go at first, but now I’m so glad I did” Regarding your 13-year-old daughter, you may be interested in the article I just posted in The Latest News: Younger Children's Reaction to Death.

Younger Children's Reaction to Death by Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D. Author of And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart Because children grieve differently from adults, they may appear not to be mourning at all. One adult client confessed her long held guilt that as a child, the day her sister died, she went to a neighbor's to play. This woman has been mourning her sister's death for thirty years. With help, she recalled how bad she felt about her sister's death, even though she chose to play. Children often resume play even while hurting inside. They need more physical activity to release their strong emotions. Having a shorter attention span, they also require frequent respite from their grief and will often alternate short periods of mourning with pursuing other interests. Children's reactions to death are also influenced by their concept of its finality, an understanding that progresses as they pass through successive developmental stages. In the early years, supposing death reversible, children believe a brother or sister will return and are not likely to be devastated. They attribute the imagined return of life to the good effects of ambulances, hospitals, or doctors who will magically revive the deceased. In the middle years, most children recognize that death is permanent, but some, even at age nine or ten, still believe the deceased will return. We can already see that there is no set age for each developmental stage of a child's understanding. When asked, "What will happen when you die?" one nine-year-old said that his mother, father, and grandfather would help him come back alive. Another eight-year-old replied, "You go to heaven and all that will be left of you will be a skeleton. My friend has some fossils of people. A fossil is just a skeleton." A ten-year-old responded, "I think I'm going to be reincarnated as a plant or animal, whatever they need at that particular time." Although children often provide concrete answers when asked what will happen at death, answers suggesting finality, they also manifest an intuitive sense that growth of some kind can continue after death -- just as the drawings of dying children in Rhoda Kellog's work show a sense of life's wholeness. A child who hears the story of "Little Red Riding Hood," for example, understands that when the little one was swallowed by the wolf she really "died." Yet she also understands that Little Red Riding Hood comes to life again (springs from the belly of the wolf). The theme of life's transformations is the message of many fairy tales, and it also seems that children have an archetypal knowledge of the life cycle of death and rebirth, just like adults. Fairy tales portray transformation concretely -- a frog actually turns into a prince, for example, only because children have not yet learned to think in abstract terms. Children also know intuitively what they need in order to heal themselves after loss, but they cannot heal alone. First, they must be freed of carrying too much concern for their grieving parents. Children are so attuned to the unspoken moods and feelings of their parents' sadness that they may try to protect them by not showing their own. The most important aid in a child's grief process is a safe environment where she can express her thoughts and feelings. Paradoxically, by not hiding her own grief, a mother can begin to provide that safe environment. If a child feels safe, she will begin to create a story about her relationship with her sibling and her own thoughts and feelings about the death. Mothers can help each child understand her personal experience by encouraging her to talk about what she misses most and what she would have liked to have been different. Here again, the story will not be told in one sitting. Though very difficult, it is important that a mother be available whenever her child is ready to talk. By sharing her own experiences then and asking open-ended questions, both at a time when a child is ready to share, a mother creates a continuation of the family story with her child. To help a child comprehend what may happen when a person dies, we can also offer new dimensions in imagination through fairy tales, art work, and religious stories, thus lessening the fear of death and also giving more meaning to life. Children are particularly drawn to fairy tales because authentic folklore stories enhance imagination, alleviate anxieties, clarify emotions, and suggest solutions to problems. They enrich a child's life because they start where she really is in her psychological and emotional being. A child comes to grips with a problem in simple form: everything is either black or white, for that is how her mind works. Fairy tales echo this clarity, but present more than the sunny side of life. They accomplish their inclusiveness by taking seriously our need to be loved, our fear of being worthless, and our fear of death, and they teach the child that struggle against severe difficulties is an unavoidable part of human existence. Like their mothers, children need to develop an imaginative life for the deceased to inhabit. The thought of her child's death is too horrific for a mother unless she is able to move into an imaginative realm where she can find a safe place for her child to be. There, she slowly develops and nurtures an inner relationship. A surviving child also carries the experience of her sibling's death throughout her life, and she too needs an inner image of continuation. By encouraging a child to draw pictures of her family, a little one may find a place in her drawing for her missing sibling. She may also find comfort in writing letters or poetry to the deceased. Six-year-old Maggie found great comfort, and relief from her fears, by painting pictures and writing poetry. She wrote the following poem on Halloween, honoring her three-year-old brother who drowned in a swimming pool. About My Brother About my brother, he was the best I haven't any scissors But I have a spare of love to give him another heart. I haven't any glue either, But for Halloween, I'm going to be a Cat Woman I've already got my costume I think he would like it. When I call to him, it makes me want to scream I LOVE YOU, CHIP! You are on my TV screen in my heart But my heart has a little feeling, A sad one, it's true I won't sell it for some money, I won't sell it for love. I won't sell it for anything But you fly like a dove. By encouraging drawing, questions, storytelling, and writing about the deceased, a mother can also identify some negative thoughts that may be plaguing her child. Children often believe in magical thinking, that just thinking something can make it happen. Because they sometimes harbored aggressive fantasies in the past, they may even think the sibling's death their fault. Simply hearing once and for all this is not the case will not convince them otherwise, but careful listening combined with thoughtful questions and comments about one's own concept of the cause of death may alleviate their sense of guilt. Sometimes anxiety will cause a child to repeat the same questions over and over again. Nevertheless, mothers should answer all questions truthfully and succinctly, in language the child understands. A child needs encouragement to talk about the actual day of death even if she often repeats questions like, "Where was I that day?" "How did I hear about the death?" "What did I do next?" "What was it like at the funeral?" "Where is my sister now?" Surviving children also need continued reassurance, even if they show little outward emotion. There is almost always a heightened fear of being separated from their parents. Because humans cannot survive without a nurturing other, our archetypal fear of abandonment is present from birth. After the death of a sibling, abandonment fear arises, not only from missing the deceased but also because parents are often emotionally unavailable. School phobias, nightmares, bed wetting, and psychosomatic ills are symptoms of this fear which is often called separation anxiety. Because all children feel vulnerable, those who have been taught there is a loving and heavenly Father are more likely to feel protected even in times when parents fail them. Conversely, however, when a child dies, her siblings strive to answer the same questions as the parents about God's power and love. In the following chapters we will see that how a child dies introduces a variety of factors that complicate this existential struggle. Excerpted from And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child by Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D. Copyright © 2006. Reprinted with permission. About the Author: Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D., is a bereaved mother and a certified Jungian analyst, a graduate of the C.G. Jung Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. She received her doctoral degree in psychoanalysis from the Union Graduate School in Cincinnati and is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors as well as a board certified supervisor for clinical social workers. Dr. Mathes has been in private practice in New Orleans for twenty years. She lectures and leads seminars in Jungian psychology, family therapy, and bereavement. For more information, please visit www.charlottemathes.com. See also Child, Adolescent Grief.

leeann, dear ~ You are such a kind and loving support for all of us ~ We are here for you, too, and please know that you and your hubby are in our thoughts and prayers, especially while he is in surgery tomorrow.

Kath, I assure you that you carry the encouragement and very best wishes of all of us with you next weekend

Jenn, dear ~ In addition to the warm welcome extended to you by so many of our members, I want to encourage you to spend some time (when you have the time, and the energy to do so) reading through the posts on this site, especially in this particular forum. You will discover that, even though it feels like it now, you are not alone in your grief journey. So many of your feelings and reactions are shared by the rest of us, and here you don’t have to apologize or explain yourself to anyone, because we all “get it.” As a grief counselor, I believe very strongly that the more you can learn about what is normal in grief, the better prepared you will be to deal with whatever challenges you must confront, now and in the future. You will find no better source of information, comfort and support than what you will discover here, in this safe and compassionate community of fellow mourners. At some point I hope you’ll also pay a visit to our Grief Healing Web site, which contains dozens upon dozens of helpful resources that can help you better navigate whatever lies ahead. See especially these pages: Site Map Death of a Spouse Child, Adolescent Grief Articles on Coping with the Holidays Because the holidays can be so difficult for those in mourning, especially for single parents with young children, be aware that many churches, hospices and mortuaries plan special workshops for the bereaved at this time of year ~ you might consider contacting your local hospice or mortuary to see if anything like that will be offered in your own community. (If you don’t have the time or the energy to do this sort of research yourself, think about asking a friend or relative to look into it on your behalf.) In any event, I hope you can feel the warm embrace of those who’ve welcomed you to our GH family, Jenn, and please know that you are being held gently by every one of us.

Dear Ones, As the holidays loom, you may find it helpful to read some of the articles I've listed on this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Articles on Coping with the Holidays. See also: When There Is No Jingle in the Bells Helen's Christmas Gift Ashes and Embers: Meeting the Challenges of the Holiday Season This I Believe Light a Candle, Hang a Stocking Permission to Mourn This Holiday Season

Dear Ones, I doubt if there is a person among us who hasn’t asked these same questions: Where is God in all of this? And if the agony of grief is part of God’s plan for me, then I don’t want any part of it! Is there some master plan that controls the events in our lives? (I think of the song, If I Were a Rich Man and that scene in Fiddler On the Roof, where Tevya raises his fists to the heavens and asks his God, “Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man?!”) I struggle with those same questions myself, and I certainly don’t claim to have the answers. Like Deborah, I don’t want to enter into a debate on the subject either – but I will support completely your right to ask the questions! Here is what I do know: The explosive emotions of grief (crying out in anguish, “Why me? Why my beloved? Why now? How could this happen? It isn’t fair! I hate this!”) are normal and necessary reactions that must be expressed, not repressed or denied. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and to express those feelings, even if they are not logical. The thinking part of us knows that illness, pain, suffering and death are an intrinsic part of being human, but when the one we love is taken from us, we see it as a sign that something has gone terribly wrong. It is only human to rail against this horrible injustice, to feel overwhelming feelings of pain, helplessness, frustration, hurt and fear, and to scream at the heavens, “Why?!” Such feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad – they just are. And they certainly do serve to let us know we’ve sustained an injury that needs attention and nurturing. I know right now you’re struggling with all those “Why” questions, but that is an essential part of the mourning process, as you search for meaning in your losses. It’s been said that life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved. You are not alone in your search. We all struggle with those questions, and we’re all looking for meaning as we help each other come to terms with our own losses. In my own search for answers and for meaning in the losses I’ve endured, I find it helps to read the observations of other bereaved individuals, as I often find so much wisdom and comfort in their words. Here are just a few examples that make sense to me: . . . Vulnerability to death is one of the given conditions of life. We can't explain it any more than we can explain life itself. We can't control it, or sometimes even postpone it. All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did it happen?"and begin to ask the question,"What do I do now that it has happened?" -- Harold S. Kushner, in When Bad Things Happen to Good People I am a parent twice bereaved. In one thirteen-month period I lost my oldest son to suicide and my youngest son to leukemia. Grief has taught me many things about the fragility of life and the finality of death. To lose that which means the most to us is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival. After being stripped of any illusions of control I might have harbored,I had to decide what questions were still worth asking. I quickly realized that the most obvious ones -- Why my sons? Why me? – were as pointless as they were inevitable. Any appeal to fairness was absurd. I was led by my fellow sufferers, those I loved and those who had also endured irredeemable losses, to find reasons to go on. Like all who mourn I learned an abiding hatred for the word "closure," with its comforting implications that grief is a time-limited process from which we will all recover. The idea that I could reach a point when I would no longer miss my children was obscene to me and I dismissed it. I had to accept the reality that I would never be the same person, that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part, had been cut out and buried with my sons. What was left? Now there was a question worth contemplating. -- Gordon Livingston, MD, in Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart For a long time I was obsessed with why [my son] Mitch had ended his life. I thought that I needed to discover the real cause of his hopelessness. I studied and analyzed what I believed to be his suicide note . . . Finally, I perceived that a death by suicide is a result of factors too numerous to count. I wanted to know why, but I didn't have to have an answer in order to go on living my own life. Even the most experienced and astute investigators are finally forced to make what at best is only an educated guess. It is important, however, to ask why. It is important to worry about why, because one finally exhausts possibility after possibility and ultimately one tires of the fruitless search. Then it is time to let it go and to start healing. -- Iris Bolton in My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After a Suicide in the Family The “if-onlys” are natural for you to explore, even if there is no logical way in which you are responsible for the death. What you’re really feeling, at bottom, is a lack of control over what happened. And accepting that we have little control over the lives of those we love is a difficult thing indeed. – Alan D. Wolfelt, in Understanding Your Grief, p. 38 My children asked me, “Why did Dad die?” I told them, “It was an accident. There are small accidents, like knocking over your milk at the dinner table. And there are large accidents, like the one your dad was in. No one meant it to happen. It just happened. And his body was too badly damaged in the accident for his soul to stay in it anymore, and so he died. “God does not spill milk. God did not bash the truck into your father’s car. Nowhere in scripture does it say, ‘God is car accident’ or ‘God is death.’ God is justice and kindness, mercy, and always – always – love. So if you want to know where God is in this or in anything, look for love.” – Kate Braestrup, in Here If You Need Me, pp. 187-189 I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Anne, dear ~ You asked what others have done about the sleeping issue. You can put the word "sleeplessness" in our search engine on the main page of this site and see what comes up for you -- and see especially all the posts in this thread: Not Sleeping

Dear Ones, I appreciate your suggestion, and I've just added a separate forum for Loss of a Friend. I hope, however, that you won't let that separation keep you from reading the posts and sharing your thoughts with those who find their way to that particular forum. We don't want to create so many forums that we're unable to keep track of one another and attend to all our members .

Kath, you said two things I really like. For one thing, you acknowledged that “Sometimes, too, I wonder if I seem "okay" enough on the outside that people assume I am. I got so weary wearing my emotions on the outside for so long, that I work at not appearing so vulnerable.” I think this is the classic double bind that many of us find ourselves in: We work very hard at keeping ourselves together on the outside so we don’t feel so exposed and vulnerable, so “the world” won’t know that we’re really falling apart on the inside, so our friends and family won’t think we’re as crazy as we sometimes fear that we are – and then we feel sad or bad (or mad) when others don’t see through the very signals we work so hard to convey, and erroneously conclude that we’re feeling stronger or doing better than we really are. I think it’s important to recognize that sometimes we don’t get the understanding and support we need simply because, intentionally or not, we’ve misled others into thinking we don’t need it. I also like the fact that when you wanted to know from your friend “why people don’t want to talk about Bob,” you straight-out asked her that question! And when you heard her answer, you went on to “educate her a little” on what you really wanted and needed from her. Good for you! See, for example, Bob Baugher’s excellent article, I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been — Can We Talk About My Loved One?

Patty Ann and Jan, you might find this thread helpful: Lonely and Depressed

Leeann, if I understand her correctly, I think what Sunni meant is that as soon as they have died, all the pain and suffering our loved ones endured in this earthly life is over for them ~ and they do not want us to be suffering now, or to remember only the pain and suffering they endured in their last days. I do not think she meant to imply in any way that we are not entitled to feel bad or to mourn, or that there is something wrong with us if we are grieving. Think of it this way: When I die, of course I want my loved ones to miss me and to remember me, and to feel bad that I'm not here physically with them any more ~ but I certainly would not want to see them suffering with grief for the rest of their lives . . .

Dear Ones, This past Saturday I attended a seminar in Scottsdale, AZ on After-Death Communication presented by Christine Duminiak and Sunni Wells, entitled Bridges to Heaven for Those Who Grieve. Because I think it may be helpful to those of you who are interested, I’d like to share with you the notes I took during their presentation. If none of this appeals to you, please feel free to ignore it. Different people find comfort in different things, and in the end, whatever works for you is what really matters. About the Presenters: Christine Duminiak, www.christineduminiak.com, is a certified grief recovery specialist and author of the book, God’s Gift of Love: After-Death Communications. Separate from the Grief Recovery Program, Christine is also a Facilitator of Spiritual Bereavement Healing and Founder of Prayer Wave for ADC’s – a non-denominational worldwide Internet grief support and prayer group – and a sought-after speaker in afterlife topics. She has been in the field of spiritual bereavement support since 1998. Sunni Welles, www.sunniwelles.com, is a Christian spiritual medium and author of Glimpses of Heaven from the Angels Who Live There. Christine observes that many bereaved are desperate for signs from their loved ones that they are okay. The mission of her Prayer Wave Web site is to pray for those who are looking for such signs. She says it is a place where people from all over the world come together each Friday to pray and to share. Christine believes that prayer works; that our loved ones are still here and still can see and hear us; and that they will still come to us on special days. It is important, she says, to know about the many ways they communicate to us that they are here, still around, and trying to help us. If you think you get a sign or a signal from your loved one, she encourages you to claim it – and she urges you not to over-analyze it. Your loved one’s spirit will know, she says, whether you received the signal that was sent – that you “get it”– and if so, that same signal probably will be repeated, so you’re likely to see it again. Christine encourages you to pay attention to signs and signals in all their various forms: •Dreams - To be actual after-death communications (ADCs), dreams must be vivid enough that you will remember them – and they must be comforting. If they cause you distress, they are not coming from your loved one. Our loved one’s message to us is “Be happy for me” and if they’re happy, we should be happy, too. [if you find yourself having nightmarish, unpleasant dreams instead of pleasant ones, she urges you to ask for God’s protection before going to bed at night.] •Audio - Voice, sounds in the absence of the person or a radio, stereo, TV, etc. •Music - Feeling a strong urge to turn on the radio; a song comes to mind or happens to play that connects you to your loved one •Touch - Feeling a pat on your head; a tickle on your cheek; a caress •Presence - Feeling a heavy sense of the person in the room; chills; quiet in your ears •Scents - Strong scent of tobacco, cologne, incense, your beloved’s favorite flower •Computers - Pictures, sounds, words appearing on the screen •Electrical events- Lights flickering, a TV set turns on and off; a program your loved one wants you to see just happens to come on; the doorbell rings with no one there •Insects, Birds, Animals - Butterflies, dragon flies, hummingbirds appearing and acting as if they know you; spirits briefly inhabiting other creatures as a way to visit you •Telepathic thoughts - strong, repetitive thoughts, as if they were somehow placed in your head •Visions - Seeing in your mind’s eye •Objects - Lost objects reappear or suddenly materialize without explanation •Phone Calls - With only static or garbled message on the other end •Answering Machines - With your loved one’s voice •Pictures - Askew or fallen off a table; seeing orbs in photographs •Coins - Pennies from Heaven: finding coins, maybe with a significant date •Numbers •Synchronicities, Coincidences (what Christine refers to as “God Incidences”) or Blessings from God - Random happenings; finding something; seeing a flower or shrub blooming on a special day Christine also suggests •Being open to ADCs is not holding your loved one back; don’t resist them. •Be on the lookout; be observant. •Look for unusual signs, rather than a “blockbuster” sort of event. •Ask for something specific, and notice when you get what you asked for. •Know that your loved one does want you to go on to live your life, and fulfill your mission. •Spirits come only after they are in God’s light. •Spirits don’t want us to harbor negative feelings – such feelings are hurting only us, not them. •Give up the pain you remember from the past; your loved one is happy now. •It’s never too late to say I love you, I miss you, Please forgive me, I forgive you. “There are no grudges in Heaven.” •It’s helpful to write letters, as doing so releases built-up emotions. Read it out loud; it gets it out of your system; it rings up your loved one and calls him/her to you. •Seek peace: It is hard for your loved one to get through all the negative, dead energy around you. •Forgiveness: Anger really blocks the process. Forgiveness is letting fo of anger, not forgetting; it is a conscious choice to live a happy life again. If You Desire a Dream Visit From a Loved One - Christine’s Tips on How to Have an ADC (from her Web site): 1. Pray: Ask God [or Spirit or the Universe or your Higher Power, according to your own belief system] every night to allow your loved one to visit you in a comforting dream. 2. Ask God to allow you to remember your dream visit. 3. Keep a pad and pen nearby to record your dream before you are fully awake, so you won’t forget it by the time you completely awaken. 4. Very important—ask for God’s holy protection before you sleep or meditate so that your experiences will be comforting ones. 5. Now visualize yourself with your loved one in pleasant and happy surroundings, talking to them about things that you have been wanting to tell them, as you fall off to sleep. 6. It is much easier for our loved ones to get through to us when we are feeling peaceful. Please pray to God to help you feel His peace in your heart at this time of your life when you most need it. Ask God to replace your heart’s sorrow with His joy. God is your best friend, He loves you completely, and He wants to heal you. 7. Please be patient in waiting for God to answer and trust that He will, for your prayer has gone straight to God's loving heart. This will help you to relax about getting a dream visit. 8. Ask others to pray for you too. Others’ prayers are very powerful. We would be happy to pray for you at Prayer Wave for After-Death Communication. 9. Remember, it is ONLY a true spiritual visit from a loved one in a dream, if the dream is a comforting experience! Ignore any dream visit that is not comforting, for this would not be your loved one visiting you. God sends our loved ones for the purpose of bringing us peace and comfort! If you are getting dreams that are causing you distress, please be sure to faithfully say your protection prayers to God before you go to sleep. Comments from Sunni Welles •The minute our loved ones cross over, they know we did our best. •They hurt when we hurt. •All that’s there in the spirit world is love; it’s the only reason we’re here on Earth: to make loving connections with one another. •Why doesn’t a spirit come anymore? Because he or she wants you to re-invest in life. Ask God to replace your heart’s sorrow with joy, and to direct you on to your own life purpose. The life we have now is based on the plan we made with God. We are here to fulfill the plan that we agreed to before we were born, using our own free will.

Self-Healing Expressions, provider of holistic healing courses (and publisher of my own online courses on grief) announces its newly developed Prayer Wall for the Animals, where animal lovers can place online prayer requests for our beloved animal companions: NEW! Prayer Wall for the Animals Pets are as much a part of the family as human members. This prayer wall was set-up upon request to serve as a prayer circle for our animal friends. We invite you to post the circumstances of the animal(s) in need of help or healing to the wall.

Actually, Kay, this topic has been discussed in several different threads on our site over the last few years. Try typing into our site's Search Engine (at the top of the main page) the words mystical experiences and see what comes up for you. Here is just one example: Posted by Marty Mon Nov 28, 2005 @ 2:48 pm in Behaviors in Bereavement / Strange Dreams about Death My dear friend, I’ve just finished reading a wonderful book that you (and our other members and visitors) may find quite helpful. It’s entitled Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us after the Death of a Loved One, by T.J. Wray and Ann Back Price. (T.J. Wray is an assistant professor at Salve Regina University, a bereaved sibling and creator of the Web site for Adult Sibling Loss, at www.adultsiblinggrief.com; her colleague is a Jungian psychoanalyst on the faculty at Brown Medical School in Providence, Rhode Island.) The authors assert that, “Because grief dreams are a fairly universal phenomenon among the bereaved, they offer the opportunity, when affirmed as important and properly understood, for healing.” They guide readers in ways to understand and value their dreams, how to keep a grief dream journal, and how to use dreams as tools for healing. They explain that most grief dreams fall into four rather broad categories (visitation dreams, message dreams, reassurance dreams and trauma dreams), although there are other grief dream types such as prophetic dreams and dream series. The book offers real-life examples of each type, including their symbols and other important features. Wray and Price show how dreams can be affirming, consoling, enlightening, and inspiring. Grief dreams, they say on page 37, “offer a way through pain to memory and meaning.” Grief dreams act as shock-absorbers, help us sort out our emotions, enable us to continue our inner relationship with the deceased, and make a creative bridge to our future: “Grief dreams often bear meaningful images of a hopeful new life for the mourner [p. 181].” The authors offer step-by-step guidance for understanding and valuing the various messages from grief dreams – even the nightmarish and shock-absorbing ones. They even give examples of how we can ask for a dream to help us, and suggest a method to use as a possible technique for inducing a reassurance dream. Following each dream story is a “Toolbox” designed to assist the reader to gain the confidence necessary to interpret his or her own dreams. “This confidence is enhanced by the easy-to-learn methods of interpretation that center on the concept that you, the dreamer, are in the best position to accurately interpret your own dreams. After all, your dreams are as unique as you are [p. 6].” I'd also like to leave you with this thought, Kath, taken from Evelyn Elsaesser-Valarino's book, Talking with Angel: About Illness, Death and Survival: When you have visions like this, you have to take them seriously . . . It isn’t really a question of true or false, real or imaginary. The true value of your vision lies in what it means to you. Take it to be a sign, like a present given specially to you and you alone. A sign of this kind is by its nature personal, intimate and infinitely precious. It is meaningful only to you. Measure the truth of it by the impact that is has upon you, by the good it does you, by the consolation that it brings, by the answers it offers you. Only you can give it its meaning and its true dimension, for it belongs to you alone (pp. 118-119).

Patti, dear, I am happy to tell you that this event is indeed open to the public, and you are MOST welcome to attend. Go to HOV's Website for further information: Light Up A Life See also Light Up A Life Frequently Asked Questions.

Barb, dear ~ I don't know if you've ever considered using guided imagery as a way to deal with some of that anger that is troubling you so, but if you're willing to give it a try, I'd like to recommend the following. Belleruth Naparstek is the creator of the best-selling Health Journeys audio tapes, and an expert on healing with guided imagery. Her recorded Meditation to Help with Anger and Forgiveness is wonderful. I have this CD myself, and it is one of my very favorites. This is one of the most inexpensive forms of self care available, and it can be amazingly effective. I cannot recommend it highly enough, and I encourage you to give it a try. You can read a description and customer reviews of this CD at Amazon, here. You can listen to a clip of it here: Health Journeys

Dear Ones, As I was doing some other work earlier this week, I came across these passages that made me think of you. I offer them to you now, as gentle food for thought: What does “letting go” mean? This phrase is often misunderstood. Does it mean forgetting, letting go of our memories? Not at all. Does it mean letting go of a relationship with our deceased loved ones? No! Our relationship is changed, not ended. “Letting go” refers to the time in our healing journey when we are ready to gently open our tightly closed fists. In doing so we let go of our pain. We do not need it anymore. Take both hands and close your fists tightly. Hold them closed as tightly as you can and then open them as wide as you can. Can you feel the difference as you open and let go? Can you feel the release? We gradually realize that we neither need nor want what we have been holding on to – guilt, depression, sadness, anger, fear, powerlessness – whatever pain we have used as a connection to our loved one or as a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt. We might even make the decision that we will never, ever love someone again, so that when someone gets close to us, we do something to push them away. However, one day we may come to realize that we do not want or need this particular connection or protection. We have our memories and our bond with our loved one. In fact, to hold on to it fiercely would only ruin our lives. Our holding on would make us bitter, not better. This realization that we can, need to, want to, must let go of our pain is like watching the sun rise or set. It is a slow, gentle, almost imperceptible process that happens day after day, just as we will continue to release our pain again and again . . . Those who have died need to be set free, to be released. Otherwise we make a “bond-age” out of what was the bond of the relationship both for them and for us. We have bonded to the ones we love; we must avoid turning it into bondage. We are referring here to two words: “bond” and “bondage.” A “bond” is defined in Webster’s dictionary by a long list of words, including “anything that binds, unites, links, holds things together, connects.” So we become bonded or united with our children, parents, friends, and siblings. A relationship begins at birth, and grows in our family of origin, and unites us for a lifetime. Bonding is like an invisible umbilical cord that attaches us to people, places, and things. So, what happens when someone we love dies? Or something we value is ripped out of our grasp – such as our health, our trust, our hopes, or our dreams? The bond does not immediately disappear even though the imaginary umbilical cord is cut. It is like an amputee who still feels a phantom limb. The bond persists. A bond becomes “bond-age” when it prevents us from moving on in life. Webster’s defines “bondage” as “serfdom or slavery; subjection to some force, compulsion, or influence.” If a bond prevents us from moving on, then we are in bondage and we need to liberate ourselves. Otherwise, we are shackled to the past. It is as though we are walking backwards through life, unable to see or experience what lies ahead. It can be a delicate and difficult operation to sever the bond, to cut the cord so that we can turn around and face life and reality once again. But remember, although we let go of the deceased and the past, we do not let go of our memories. They remain ours to enjoy forever. We let go only of the pain and any feelings we may have of guilt, or shame, or powerlessness, or fear. We let go of bitterness and resentment and rage, and in doing so we allow our dead, our past, to fly free. This is a turning point because now we are ready to confront the question, “What do I want for me in my life now?” This may be particularly difficult for those of us who are accustomed to automatically taking our loved one’s needs into account when making decisions. Now we may have only ourselves to consider, and that can be difficult. [source: Grief’s Courageous Journey: A Workbook, by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland CA, 1995, pp. 90-91 and p. 95.]

This message comes to us via e-mail from Michele Neff Hernandez, Founder, WidowsBond.com and Director, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation: October 15, 2008 Dear friends of Widowsbond.com, Warm Autumn greetings to all of you. I hope this note finds you well, and that you are enjoying the beginning of the fall season. Thank you for your on-going support of WidowsBond.com and of the Widow Match program. Your encouragement, words of gratitude, and willingness to share your stories have been a continual blessing to me ,and to the over 700 women who have joined our group over the last nine months. I truly appreciate the care and concern that you have offered each other~please do continue to respond to people who reach out to you with the same level of compassion and understanding that has been demonstrated so far, there is no limit to the good this kind of outreach can do. As a direct result of the need I have witnessed through the WidowsBond site, I am excited to announce that our recently founded 501©3 organization, the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, will be sponsoring the First Annual National Conference on Widowhood July 17-19, 2009. This weekend long event will focus on providing tools and inspiration for re-building your life after the loss of a spouse. We have experts from all over the country covering a wide range of relevant topics, including: helping grieving children cope with loss, journaling as a path to personal growth, healing through movement, a panel addressing the issue of global widowhood, the screening of the film "American Widow Project", coaching sessions designed to assist women in identifying a new life path, a look at how meditation can be a vital part of your on-going healing process, on-line dating 101-do's and don'ts for the dating world, practical ways to welcome another man into your life, a look at the challenges facing widows of suicide, help for coping with the violent death of a loved one, real-life widow humor, financial planning, trust formations, a panel of widowed authors will share their writing experiences....and many more. There will be thirty-two sessions to choose from, and a variety of resources available at our lunchtime expo. Not only will we be providing excellent information in the various workshops, but a weekend full of fun events, too. Friday night will kick off with an outdoor concert and fireworks show with proceeds benefiting global widowhood initiatives. Saturday evening we will host a semi-formal banquet, and will be presenting awards honoring women who have made significant contributions to the cause of widowhood...a chance to dress up and chat the night away! The grand finale will be the first annual Widow Dash 5K Run/Walk...we will encourage you to, "Run for YOUR life!" Proceeds from the race will benefit widows here in the US who are experiencing severe financial hardships as a result of their husband's death. Add to all this the opportunity to meet your match at our Friday afternoon reception, the chance to experience a sense of belonging with hundreds of people who have also walked this grief journey, some hard-to-come-by time to focus on YOU....and an amazing weekend is a guarantee. For more information on registration, speakers, accommodations, sponsorship opportunities, and event details...please visit National Conference on Widowhood. This site is still a work in progress so check back often. New information is coming in every week, and exciting additions will be added monthly. Due to the high level of interest in this event, we do expect to reach maximum capacity for the venue. The conference is open to widows, widowers, their current partners, support crews, family members, bereavement teams, grief counselors, members of the clergy, and anyone who has a heart for grieving individuals. Please sign-up early to avoid missing out on this inspiring weekend, and I would appreciate it if you would share the news with anyone you know who could benefit from this community project. I would love to see you all there! Blessings, Michele Michele Neff Hernandez Founder, WidowsBond.com Director, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation www.widowsbond.com www.sslf.org

This invitation comes to us from a graduate student who is seeking participants for her research study: My name is Hillary Van Horn and I am in the final stages of my dissertation right now, which focuses on parental resilience and growth following the loss of a child. My dissertation is among the first to look at the global difficulties parents face prior to and following the death of their child and what factors might help and protect these families more . . . . . With my current research study I hope to help the palliative care/grief/bereavement community better conceptualize and help parents and families who are struggling with their loss. I'm finishing the data collection phase, and still need 27 more participants . . . If you know of any persons who would be able and/or interested in participating, or if you would like to look at the study yourself, the website and questionnaires are posted here: http://www.lossresearch.webs.com/

Jan, dear, It seems to me that the only two people who can provide you with the answer you're seeking are your brother-in-law and his wife. We all can speculate about what is keeping them away from you, but the only ones who really know what could be going on here are the people directly involved in this situation. If your sister-in-law was close enough to you that you considered her to be your "best bud," wouldn't she be willing to meet with you so you could have a heart-to-heart talk with her about all of this? The only way you'll find out for sure what is going on with either of these folks is to ask. I wonder what would happen if you asked to get together with one or both of them, so you could talk about this with them? I'm also intrigued with the title of the book that was recommended to you; I checked it out on Amazon and decided to order a copy. If you like, you can read what others think of the book here: You're Late Again, Lord: The Impatient Woman's Guide to God's Timing

Dear One, I can feel the anguish in your posts, and my heart hurts for you. Please know that we're all holding you close, and we understand your pain because we've all been in a place similar to the one you are in right now. I want to point you to some posts and readings that I hope will be helpful to you, especially if you're willing to follow some of the links you'll find along the way: I Am Totally Beside Myself Tonight Breaking the Power of Guilt A Dangerous Villain: Guilt