MartyT

My dear Christian, Like everyone else here, I am gratified that you've decided to share with us what you are feeling and where you are in your life right now. It takes great courage to be so open with others, and even greater courage to acknowledge that you need help. But these are also the first steps toward healing, and I commend you for being brave enough to take them. I'm so sorry to learn about the suicide death of your friend Colleen. That burden alone is enough for anyone to carry, but for you and where you are in your own grief now, Christian, it can be catastrophic. We're all very concerned about you, and the feelings you describe in your latest post (sadness,hopelessness, withdrawal from friends and family, loss of interest or enjoyment in activities, changes in eating and sleeping habits, feelings of shame and worthlessness, lack of enthusiasm and motivation, lack of energy, difficulty concentrating and making decisions, and thoughts of death or suicide) indicate that you are suffering from depression, and you are in need of professional help. I understand that you have an appointment with a therapist and I am very pleased to know that, because depression is very treatable when you get the right kind of help ~ but I also know that when you're feeling like this, seven days is a very long time to wait. I hope that when you made the appointment, you made it clear that you need to see someone as soon as possible. (It's okay, for example, to call back and let the therapist's office know that you are very depressed and worried that you may be in danger of hurting yourself. That's the only way the person making the appointment can measure the urgency of your need. There is such a thing as working you in sooner, after all. You can also ask to be notified if someone cancels an earlier appointment than yours, so you can take that person's place.) Is your sister aware of how you are feeling right now? Is there anyone, anyone in your family with whom you can talk without feeling judged -- another relative, clergy person, neighbor, friend from school? I want to refer you to some sites online that you will find helpful until you can see someone in person. Please promise me that you will take some time to visit them, Christian, okay? And for the next seven days, please stay in very close touch with all of us here. If you are thinking about suicide, read this first Suicide and Crisis Helplines Around the World Friends and Families of Suicide Support Friends for Survival: Help after a Suicide Death Survivors of Suicide When Someone You Love Commits Suicide Grief Due to Complicated Death

My dear Karen, As this storm approaches, I want you to remember that you are connected to all the members of our GH family by the love and caring that we all feel for one another. Even if your electricity goes out, your computer crashes, and you cannot go online, it does not matter ~ we are still connected by that invisible string of love that connects all of our hearts to yours. You are not alone. And give that precious Sadie Mae a kiss on her nose from all of us.

Maylissa, thank you for taking whatever time you had to respond to SewJazzy's post. I, too, was tied up in meetings yesterday and found myself without enough time to post a message to her. I so appreciate your keeping a watchful eye on this forum SewJazzy, let me add my voice to Maylissa's in expressing my deepest sympathy for the death of your precious Gizmo. (Just so you know, Maylissa is a long-time member of our GH family, and one of our resident experts on homeopathic veterinary care.) In addition, I want to point you to some online resources that you may find helpful in your efforts to comfort your children in their grief: Children and Pet Loss Child / Adolescent Grief Children's books on pet loss are another wonderful source of information and support, and can be an excellent way to open a discussion with your children about this. See, for example, the titles I have listed on my site's Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page, under the heading, Books for Children and Those Who Love Them. (Once on that page, you'll need to scroll down a bit until you come to that particular heading.)

Some helpful Cooking for One Web sites: Cooking for One Blog Efficient Cooking for One Healthy Meals: Cooking for One Microwave Cooking for One About.com: Cooking for One

Amber, dear, I simply cannot imagine the magnitude of your loss 37 years ago, and the impact it must have had (and continues to have) on your life. My own baby David died unexpectedly after a full-term, uneventful pregnancy, when he was barely three days old. He would have been 41 years old this past May 23. Like you with your darling twins Jason and Matthew, I light my candle to remember my precious David, and I know that you and I will continue to remember them all the days of our lives. [An article on this site touched my heart when I read it today, and you might appreciate it, too. Entitled Remembering, it's written by Kara C. Jones, and you will find it here]

Theresa, you asked, "Have your found that people who are not or have never been pet owners just don't understand that priceless bond between a human and their beloved pet?" I know your eyesight is an issue for you right now, but when you are able to read some of the other posts in this forum, you'll find that dealing with the insensitivity of others is, for the bereaved animal lover, one of the most difficult aspects of mourning the death of a companion animal. This notion of helping another in grief is a topic that is dear to my heart, and one that I've written about elsewhere. See, for example, the Helping Someone Who's Grieving page on my Grief Healing Web site, as well as my article,Pet Loss: Helping a Friend Who's Hurting It's also the topic of my latest booklet, Helping Another in Grief, which has just been published by Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix, AZ. (Aimed at those who find it difficult to “be there” for someone who is anticipating or coping with the death of a loved one, this booklet explains what is normal in grief, and offers concrete suggestions for helping another throughout the grief experience – not only before the death has happened, but immediately following, and over time. Included are common myths and misconceptions about grief, as well as words of comfort, words to avoid, and a helpful list of “Don’ts.” For further information or to request a copy of the booklet, you are welcome to contact Hospice of the Valley's Bereavement Office at 602-530-6970, or notify me of your request via e-mail, at tousleym@aol.com.)

Corinna, dear ~ You may find this article helpful: Do Pets Go to Heaven?

Dear friend, I notice that this past Saturday, October 13 was the first-year anniversary of Oreo's death, which may serve to explain some of the reactions you are experiencing now. I want to point you to a number of posts that deal with that very topic, in hopes that they will offer you some reassurance: Feeling Down Memories First Year Anniversary Is This Normal?

Corinna, I'm so sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your dear little Peaches. I'm so glad you found your way to this precious place, and I want to be sure that you also know about my Grief Healing Web site, where you'll find lots of additional information, comfort and support. See especially the resources listed on my Pet Loss Articles page. You say you feel worse than you did when your beloved grandparents died. Let me assure you that the relationship you had with Peaches was quite different from the one you had with your grandparents, and so was the role that Peaches played in your everday life ~ and that is part of the reason that you are reacting in this way to this particular death. You are the only one who knows how much Peaches meant to you, and right now, you are the only one who can measure how much you have lost. I hope that you will linger here a while, and read what our other members have to say about the very special relationship they have with their beloved animal companions ~ and know that you are not alone. You will always be welcome here, and you have our deepest sympathy.

Theresa, dear, we're so sorry for the loss of your beloved Odyssey. Please accept our deepest sympathy, and know that you have found your way to a very kind and caring place. We cannot take away your pain, but we certainly can walk with you so you don't have to bear it all alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Of course, Wendy. You will find several such sites among those I've listed on the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site.

I don't know why this happens, Maylissa, but I do know how to fix it. I'm not sure if you can fix it yourself ~ it may be that I'm able to do so only because the site recognizes me as one of the administrators. When I hover my mouse over any topic title, a message pops up that says "Click and hold to edit title." In any event, I went ahead and fixed the acronym for your IADC topic

Dear Friend, As you have observed, we don't have a separate forum for people who are new to our site. New members usually enter whichever forum addresses their particular type of loss, and then simply say whatever it is they wish to say. Many of our members do not post at all; they simply come here to read what others have to say. (As in any support group, some folks are more verbal than others.) Certainly we welcome new members to tell us as much (or as little) about themselves as they are willing to share, but no one should feel required to do so. We take it as a given that those who gather here are bound by the common experience of loss, and we're all here simply to offer information, comfort, and support to one another. We all hope that you will feel welcome here, too.

Randy Pausch, computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University, is dying of pancreatic cancer. His final lecture to his students, “How to Live Your Childhood Dreams,” is about his life and the lessons he’s learned. ABC News has put the lecture, which The Wall Street Journal called “the lecture of a lifetime,” on its website. You can see the article and hear the full lecture here:abcnews.go.com/GMA/PersonOfWeek/story?id=3633945&page=1. You'll need to allow about 90 minutes to watch and listen to it all, but it is well worth your time.

Hey, Bob ~ I'm so glad you found your way to us, and I just wanted to add my voice to all the rest, as we welcome you to our GH family.

What a wonderful topic this is, and I thank Wondering Mom for asking the question. Annie, your ideas are beautiful. I, too, would give anything to have received such a letter from either one of my parents! I am reminded of something I posted some time ago that I hope you will find relevant to the subject at hand, and so I'm repeating it here: I want to refer you – and everyone else who may be interested – to a very important book by Ira Byock, M.D., an international leader in hospice care, called The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book about Living. To give you a sense of its powerful message, here is a brief excerpt that I’ve posted on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. These four simple statements are powerful tools for improving your relationships and your life. As a doctor caring for seriously ill patients for nearly 15 years of emergency medicine practice and more than 25 years in hospice and palliative care, I have taught hundreds of patients who were facing life's end, when suffering can be profound, to say The Four Things. But the Four Things apply at any time. Comprising just eleven words, these four short sentences carry the core wisdom of what people who are dying have taught me about what matters most in life . . . We are all sons and daughters, whether we are six years of age or ninety-six. Even the most loving parent-child relationship can feel forever incomplete if your mother or father dies without having explicitly expressed affection for you or without having acknowledged past tensions. I've learned from my patients and their families about the painful regret that comes from not speaking these most basic feelings. Again and again, I've witnessed the value of stating the obvious. When you love someone, it is never too soon to say, "I love you," or premature to say, "Thank you," "I forgive you," or "Will you please forgive me?" When there is nothing of profound importance left unsaid, relationships tend to take on an aspect of celebration, as they should . . . Because accidents and sudden illness do happen, it is never too soon to express forgiveness, to say thank you and I love you to the people who have been an integral or intimate part of our lives, and to say good-bye is a blessing. These simple words hold essential wisdom for transforming that which matters most in our lives -- our relationships with the people we love. -- from The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book about Living, © 2004 by Ira Byock, M.D., Free Press, New York

Maylissa, dear ~ In the process of doing some other work online today, I came across this article. The points this author makes in Historical Perspectives on Infant-Child Death are fascinating. I see so many parallels here, with the evolution of our culture's understanding and appreciation of the human-animal bond. I thought of you immediately, Maylissa, and just wanted to share the article with you (and with anyone else who's interested)!

Wave of Light for October 15th Everyone is invited to light a candle on October 15th at 7 pm in ALL Time Zones, ALL Over the World If everyone lights a candle at 7pm and keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day For further information, visit www.october15th.com

Dear One, The magnitude of your losses is beyond all human understanding, and you have our deepest sympathy. You have found your way to a safe and caring place, and you are always most welcome here. Nevertheless, your needs extend far beyond whatever comfort and support you will find in an online message board, and you deserve whatever additional help you can find. I hope with all my heart that you've also found some other safe places to take your grief, as this is way too much for you to be dealing with all by yourself. I hope you are seeing a grief therapist or counselor, and / or participating in a support group for bereaved parents. I hope you are availing yourself of all the online resources you can find to help you understand, process, cope with, and manage all of this pain. If you need a place to begin to find such resources, please pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site, and see especially the links I've listed on the Death of an Infant, Child, Grandchild page. No one can take your pain away, my friend, and as you say, I don't know that it will ever "go away" ~ but I do know this for sure: You are not alone in your pain, and we are here for you whenever you need us to listen . . . Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Beautiful, Louise ~ your memorial tribute to your precious and beautiful Keren has left me in tears. There are no words . . .

Ahhhhh, my dear Derek ~ forgive me . . . I should have kept the mystery alive . . .

Dear Ones, It also seems wierd, links just mysterally appear. There is no mystery here. When I see the need for a hyperlink to be inserted into a member's post, I just go ahead and do it as a courtesy ~ and for the convenience of all the others who will be reading these posts. As you may know, I review every single post that appears on our site ~ it's part of my responsibility as moderator.

John, dear ~ We all miss who we were (or who we thought we were) when our loved ones were alive. And I know it feels as if we are strangers to ourselves as we struggle to go on, in an even stranger world that is missing the physical presence of our beloved. But here in this safe and caring place, you have never been a stranger to us, and I want you to know that we’re all so very grateful for that . . .

Maylissa, dear ~ Your encounter with the mother whose daughter is struggling with cancer reminds me of the David Kessler quote I shared with you many months ago: Why do we keep looking for support in all the wrong places? It's like shopping for milk in a hardware store! In that same post, I went on to say to you that it seems to me that in your present state of mind, it just makes good sense to protect yourself by intentionally avoiding situations and gatherings where you are more likely to encounter the insensitivity of others. Could it be that your expectations of this couple were unrealistic, given the circumstances you describe? Maylissa, we all know how vulnerable and fragile we are when we are anticipating or coping with the death of a loved one. Clearly this couple was unable to tune into your pain, probably because they are blinded by the intensity of their own pain right now. It’s also possible that they were thinking that the anticipated loss of their daughter could not begin to compare to the actual loss of your beloved Nissa. In my work with bereaved animal lovers, I always caution them to be very careful in choosing where they look for comfort and support. As Derek says, “Most people don’t know how to respond to a death,” and we both know that many people still do not begin to understand the strength of the human-animal bond, much less the pain of loss that is felt by bereaved animal lovers. This is particularly evident when these same people are anticipating or mourning the death of a human loved one. With regard to comparing the magnitude of our losses, I’m repeating below a message I posted in another forum some time ago: Posted by: Marty, Monday, Mar 6, 2006 @ 9:37 AM Dear Ones, I want to add my voice to this discussion, by gently suggesting to all our members and visitors that it is pointless to compare the magnitude of one person’s loss with that of another. Is it harder to lose a spouse than a parent? Would losing a child be worse than losing a spouse? Would a sudden, unexpected death be harder to accept than a long, slow, painful one? And which is worse: loss of a leg, or loss of an arm? Would you rather lose your eyesight or your hearing? These losses are neither better or worse, harder or easier, one from another – rather, they are each different from one another. There is not a person among us who can answer any of these questions honestly unless and until that particular loss has happened to us, and even then, it would be different for each one of us, depending on our own individual circumstances and the meaning we attach to what we have lost. Grief is not just confined to losing a person through death.Intense feelings of loss can come from the ending of a marriage by separation or divorce. A move can produce feelings of grief. A rape. A job loss. Loss of a body part or body function. Financial loss. Loss of dignity and respect. Loss of a pet. One of the most difficult counseling situations I ever had involved Jonathan whose seeing-eye dog of ten years, Angel, died. Angel was Jonathan's live-in partner, his dearest family member, his closest work associate, his trusted servant, his most faithful friend, an actual extension of himself, a literal part of his being -- his eyes. When Angel died, all of that was lost. - Douglas C. Smith, MA, MS, MDiv I believe that one of the greatest benefits of these forums is that, by posting, reading and responding to the messages written here, we'll all come to a greater understanding of the grief that accompanies all the different kinds of loss we may experience in life, and we’ll learn to be more caring, accepting and tolerant of one another. Here in this warm and caring place, we recognize that grief is neither a contest nor a competition. For every single person here, at this moment in time, our own loss is the worst that could happen to anyone. We are not here to pass judgment on the strength or legitimacy of anyone else’s grief. Where there is loss, there is grief. Pain is pain. Only you can know the special place in your life and in your heart that was occupied by your loved one, and you are the only one who can measure just how much you have lost.

Annie, dear ~ Please know that we are thinking of you and sending you our heartfelt sympathy. We know that even though your feelings for your father are mixed, and your dad's health has been failing for a long time, his death still must come as a painful and final blow. When you bury your father, you also will bury a large part of your own past with him, along with your dreams of what might have been ~ and that is a significant loss. I hope that you and your brother can take great comfort in knowing that you did everything you could to make your dad's final days as easy for him as possible. Your father was blessed to have you and your brother as his children. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this sad and difficult time.