MartyT

Rosanne, you said, My brother and I were talking about Thanksgiving today, and what we were going to do, and I just thought as bad as we feel and as sad as we are we still need to give thanks for what we have left, does this make sense? It does indeed make sense, and it reminds me of this beautiful piece by Darcie Sims, For That I Am Thankful.

My dear friend, I’m so very sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved brother, who clearly was your soulmate ~ I love your mom’s description that the two of you were twins, born five years apart. I simply cannot imagine the magnitude of this loss in your life, and for that you have our deepest sympathy. You say that after the first two days of crying, it seemed like a blanket of peace and understanding came over you, as if you were “really ok with this.” But now that the initial shock and numbness are beginning to wear off, you’re being hit with the full force of your grief, and you’re wondering what in the world is happening to you. What is worse, you are now without your best source of support, because you cannot turn to your brother for the sage advice he’s always been there to give to you. You’re also caught in a bind because “I dont' feel like I can talk to any of my family or friends about it because I had been handling everything so well for the last 3 weeks.” Given all of that, is it any wonder that you’re feeling so frightened, lost, and alone? I hope that, through reading some of the other messages posted in this forum and on this site, you will come to see that this grief you are feeling is neither an illness nor a pathological condition ~ Rather, it is a normal reaction to the death of someone you loved with all your heart. We often say here that the work of mourning is some of the hardest work you will ever have to do, and to expect that you can do it all by yourself is neither realistic nor necessary. You have suffered a broken heart, just as surely as if it had been torn in two. If any other part of your body were so injured, you wouldn’t be questioning your pain or chastising yourself for not being able to “handle it” better than you are. I can certainly understand and appreciate your concern about your sister-in-law and her children, but it seems to me that right now the best way you can help them with their grief is to take care of your own grief first. How can you do that? By reaching out to others for the support that you need right now. If family members and friends cannot “be there” for you in the way that you need them to be ~ or in the way that your brother always has been in the past ~ or if your needs exceed their capacity to help, I hope you will consider some other alternatives. You’ve taken the first step by posting in this forum, where you’ve acknowledged that “I don’t know what to do anymore.” In addition to sharing your story here with us and surrounding yourself with the caring and compassionate people you will find here, you might also consider finding a trusted friend, relative, clergy person, grief counselor or grief support group where you can talk over and explore some of these concerns, get your feelings validated, come to a greater understanding of what you are experiencing, and learn some ways to manage your reactions. It also helps to do some reading about grief in general and loss of a sibling or twin in particular ~ the Death of a Sibling or Twin page of my Grief Healing Web site is a very good place to start. Although your beloved brother is no longer here with you in the physical sense, my friend, I hope it brings you comfort to know that he still exists in your heart and in your memory ~ and the very special relationship you have with him, the love you feel for him, certainly has not died. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Shelley, dear ~ I’m so sorry that you are left with the impression that there are no people here who care that your niece and nephews are losing their only pet after Christmas. As I’ve said many times elsewhere in these forums, just because a person’s post may go unanswered for a while, it does not necessarily follow that nobody cares, and it saddens me that you or any of our other members would feel that way. In the two and a half years that you’ve been a member of our GH family, Shelley, you’ve posted in these forums over a thousand times, on the average of once a day, and I know from reading every one of those messages (as well as the responses you’ve received from others) that there are lots of people here who care very much about you, about what’s happening to Bailey, and about the effects of an animal’s death and dying on the children in your family. See, for example, Bailey Is Dying. See also my response to you in Really Down Today I also know that this is not the first time that you’ve felt a need to be “done with this website,” Shelley, and that’s okay. You need to do whatever you need to do in order to take care of yourself. Just know that if and when you do decide to come back to us, we will always be here to welcome you. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

As mentioned in an earlier post, the Love Never Dies 4U Organization is planning a retreat for the fall of 2008. Several psychic mediums have been invited, and workshops will focus on ADC's, meditation, and other types of alternative healing modalities. The workshop is intended "to offer a place and time for all of us to connect, to heal, and to share our loved ones with each other." Love Never Dies 4U Retreat Information Update from Sandy Goodman, dated November 5, 2007: The LND4U Retreat is a reality! We have reserved YOUR bed at the Enota Mountain Retreat in Hiawassee,Georgia on September 12 through September 14, 2008. While we are struggling with the technical difficulties of creating an online agenda and registration form, please check out ENOTA and mark your calendar. If you are interested in reserving your spot now, which we are strongly recommending, please visit our registration page and pay with Paypal. We are excited . . . and hope you are as well! == LND4U Board Sandy, Vicki, Trish, Carol, Carla, and Deana

Maylissa, dear, Thank you so much for alerting us to this wonderful resource, which I was not aware of until I read your post and followed the link to Dr. Bittel’s Spirits in Transition Web site. I don’t know how you first learned of this woman's work, but I’m ever so grateful to you for sharing it with the rest of us! Interestingly enough, one of the main topics of discussion during my Pet Loss Support Group this past Saturday morning here in Phoenix was providing hospice care for animals, so your discovery couldn’t have been more timely! I also think it’s important to acknowledge that, at this very early stage of development, most communities and individuals are not prepared to provide for our animal companions all the services that hospice provides for people. We need to be careful that we don’t add yet another layer of guilt onto the heads and hearts of those animal lovers who aren’t in a position (or don’t have the resources) to provide such care, especially when we don’t yet have the support systems in place to make such an option viable. Nevertheless, I agree with you, Maylissa, that it’s important that we become aware of this significant movement in animal health care, to learn all we can about it, to spread the word about it, and to promote its growth and development. Some of us may choose to get even more involved, and I can think of no greater tribute to your beloved Nissa and Sabin than that. On her Web site, Dr. Bittel suggests a number of ways that those who are interested can share in her vision and become a part of building an animal hospice support network. See Volunteer Opportunities. Again, Maylissa, please know how grateful I am that you brought this valuable and timely information to us.

I'm so delighted that you've figured out a way to share these marvelous pictures of your fur babies with the rest of us! It means so much to us, not only to know their names, but also to be able to see their precious faces

Dear Ones, This past Thursday evening, November 1, 2007, I was invited back to Nature's Translator with Tracy Ann, the weekly Contact Talk Radio Network program hosted by animal communicator and alternative healer Tracy Ann Delp. If you're interested, the program is available for listening here: http://www.contacttalkradio.com/hosts/tracyann.htm (Once on Tracy's site, scroll down until you come to "Recent Shows;" you'll find the download button listed under 11/1/07.)

Oh Walt, I'm so happy to "see" you here again! I found a song the other day that made me think of you When you have a moment, please go here and listen: Until We're Together Again

Teny, dear, Yiany's love for you did not die with him, and neither did yours for him. Love does not die. Love is forever. The power of that love is with you always. You are in our hearts and in our prayers this day, and every day.

Dear Ones, In the course of doing some other work online, I've just found my way to a beautiful and comforting piece of music that I'd like you all to know about. You can read the lyrics and listen to the entire song here: Until We're Together Again

Hi Gail, I'm struck by your statement that "every time I dream I see Bruce laying in the snow." You might consider trying relaxation audiotapes or guided imagery CDs before you go to sleep at night, as a way to help you replace those disturbing images and intrusive memories with more peaceful, relaxing ones. There are many Web sites devoted to this simple but very healing approach, and many online and corner bookstores carry some excellent pre-recorded programs produced by highly skilled professionals that you can use in the privacy of your own bedroom. You might begin by doing some reading about guided imagery by two respected experts in the field: What is Guided Imagery? By Belleruth Naparstek How Guided Imagery Works, by Joel Levey See also the posts in this recent thread: Not Sleeping

Hi Maylissa, I admire your persistence! (Reminds me of somebody else I know ) The article where you saw the candle ceremony was here: Including Your Absent Loved One in Holiday Celebrations. At the time that article was written, Self-Healing Expressions obtained permission from Sherry Williams to reprint her candle ceremony in the body of my article. Hospice of the Valley also obtained permission from Sherry to reprint it in the holiday booklet we offer to those who attend our support groups during the holidays. (You can request a copy of the booklet, Coping with Grief During the Holidays, by contacting the HOV Bereavement Department, Hospice of the Valley, 1510 East Flower Street, Phoenix AZ 85014, telephone 602-530-6970.)

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, Kay, now I see. The problem is with one of the sites listed on my Coping with the Holidays page, not with the link to my page. Apparently the site entitled Grief During the Holidays is no longer functioning. That is beyond my control, but thanks to your alerting me, I will go into my own Web site and delete that link. Thank you so much for clarifying it for me!

Posted by MartyT December 2, 2006 For those members interested in the topic of After Death Communication (ADC), I share the following announcement from Sandy Goodman (dear friend, bereaved mother and author of Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love), whose wonderful articles and poetry have appeared here in our forums from time to time: Sandy and Ocallah Chat Event! When: Sunday, December 3 @ 7:00 PM Eastern, 6:00 PM Central, 5:00 PM Mountain, 4:00 PM Pacific What: How to open the doors to mediumship with your loved ones. Discussion of how to connect on your own! Where: Spiritspace. Thank you Diane, Hanna and EVERYONE at Spiritspace for allowing us the use of your chatroom and its wonderful energy again! How: To chat with java, simply click here for the Spiritspace Chat Room. It may take some time to load the javachat (there is an initial page & then a javachat login box) - please be patient. Also, you only need to fill in the "Nickname" portion of the javachat box. To chat with mIRC (a chat program you can download here, type in the following for the server information-- Description: SpiritSpace Chat Server: irc.starlink-irc.org Port: 6668 If you have WEB TV, click here to be brought to a connection page where you connect directly by typing in the chatroom name, #spiritspace. Please join us in sharing love, light, open hearts and open minds. Ocallah is a Professional Spiritual Medium and has dedicated her lifework to mediumship for the past 11 years. Her website can be viewed here and information on private readings can be received by emailing: ocallah@aol.com Expect Miracles, Sandy sandy@loveneverdies.net http://www.loveneverdies.net Posted by: MartyT Jan 2 2007, 12:06 PM Dear Ones, On December 20th Christine Duminiak appeared as a guest on the NBC 10 TV entertainment/lifestyle talk show called “10!” in Philadelphia at 10 a.m. The topic was After-Death Communications. You can watch the interview by clicking on this link: http://www.christineduminiak.com/10.html Christine Duminiak is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, the founder of Prayer Wave for After-Death Communication, and author of the lovely and inspiring book, http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/141...91/griefhealing. Visit Christine's Web site, at http://www.christineduminiak.com, or contact her at ChrisDuminiak@aol.com. Posted by: MartyT Jan 11 2007, 10:24 AM This announcement comes to us from Wings™ -- A Grief Education Ministry: Mystical Experiences ~ Survey on After Death Communication It is estimated that 20-40% of the population has experienced one or more after death communications (ADC). An ADC is defined as: an experience when you are contacted directly and spontaneously by a deceased family member or friend, without the use of psychics, mediums, rituals, or devices of any kind. While some people contend that this is wish fulfillment, grief hallucinations, or desires, those who have had the experiences believe they are real. Others consider this moment as a "gift." According to research, the purpose of these visits and signs by those who have died is to offer comfort, reassurance, and hope to their parents, spouse, siblings, children, grandchildren, other family members, and friends. After death communications may occur in many different ways such as: • Sensing or feeling the presence of your loved one • Smelling a familiar food, fragrance, etc. • Hearing his/her voice • Feeling a touch • Visual experiences • Vivid dreams that appear real. We are collecting stories to substantiate the belief that life and love are eternal. Please share your story with us. A collection of accounts may be published at a later date. (Your identity will be protected. Full names will not be published, but your first name and state may be.) Providing your address information will allow us to mail "permission forms," if your story is selected for publication. You can send your story via land mail or e-mail, or you can fill out a form online (addresses are given below). Please include the following with your story: • Name/ Address/ City/ State/ Zip • Phone • E-mail address • Your story • Your general feeling after you had the experiences (i.e. relieved, sad, happy) Mail to Wings – A Grief Education Ministry P.O. Box 1051 Wausau WI 54402-1051 Or e-mail: wings1@charter.net Submit at Web site: http://www.wingsgrief.org Posted by: AnnC Jan 19 2007, 10:41 AM I am glad this subject is being addressed. I get many ADCs from my ex-husband. All the ones listed, plus he has moved things in my apartment (his books on a shelf, a door opening by itself which both my sister and I saw.) Although an ADC does not take away the pain of missing them, they are comforting and a reassurance that love and life continue, and we will see our loved ones again one day when it is our time. Ann Posted by: MartyT Jan 26 2007, 12:34 PM This message comes to us from Christine Duminiak: Dear Friends, please mark your calendars and forward on to your friends. We are coming back to Arizona! Hope to see you in Scottsdale for another powerful day of healing. God bless you. ~ Christine Duminiak After-Death Communications Bridges to Heaven ~ For Those Who Grieve April 14, 2007 10:00 a.m to 4:00 p.m. Join Us For An Unforgettable Day of Healing: •Guests can request a specific spirit for a reading from Sunni Welles, as time permits. •Learn 20 ways loved ones can contact us. •Learn 5 tips for receiving ADCs. •Learn we never have to say good-bye. •Healing meditation with loved ones. •Q&A session with the experts. Sunni Welles, renowned international medium has been featured on Fox 10 News and the Arizona Midday TV Show, in the Arizona Republic and the East Valley Tribune. Author of http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/141...17/griefhealing. Christine Duminiak is a certified grief recovery specialist, featured on NBC the 10! Show, NBC 10 TV News, The God Squad Show, in the Arizona Republic, and the Philadelphia Inquirer. Author of http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/141...91/griefhealing, she is a frequest guest speaker in James Van Praagh's Chat Room. REGISTER ONLINE for Bridges to Heaven http://www.christineduminiak.com/events.html or Call 866-697-6571 - Toll Free 2 tickets for $50 apiece, or 1 ticket for $75. LIMITED SEATING Saturday, April 14, 2007 ~ 10:00 a.m. till 4:00 p.m. Scottsdale Thunderbird Suites (formerly the Scottsdale Airpark Suites -- A Best Western Hotel) 7515 E. Butherus Drive Scottsdale AZ 85260 Call Ashley Braid at hotel (480) 951-4000 to make separate lunch reservations. (Lunch is not included in the price.) Posted by: ousontmesamis Jan 27 2007, 05:16 AM It's strange how my friend came to me in a dream telling me that it was his time to go, that he was going to a better place, that he was finally happy and free, and he told me not to be sad. It is also strange that I didn't see his face as he was telling me those things; it was like I was seeing through his eyes the place that he was going to. This dream came to me on the day he died and it was before I found out he died. This wasn’t the first time I had a dream like this. The other time was when my grandpa died. I had that dream at the exact time he died. I just dismiss it as coincidence. How could it be a coincidence, twice, when I hadn’t expected their deaths. They weren’t dying or given a death sentence. So, it wasn’t expected. There was another time my friend came to me, this time I was awake. I heard his voice and just before I heard his voice I saw a faint flash of light. It startled me. He was telling me something like "you're watching my videos, it's ok, I'm glad you are, see to it that you watch them all." He had left a hugh box full of music videos and Hollywood movies on videocassettes. There was one tape at the bottom of the box, a blank tape, I put it in the VCR, and, what would you know, he is on the tape. I realized, then, that's why he told me to see to it that I watch them all. I should check out Sandy and Ocallah. Posted by: shell Jan 31 2007, 01:31 AM This is so fascinating. I've had similar experiences and I'm glad this subject was brought up. I definitely believe that people and pets that we've lost still communicate with us. Ousontmesamis, How wonderful that you've had these experiences! Yep, you should defintiely check out Sandy and Ocallah! Posted by: MartyT Oct 22 2007, 10:37 AM In a message received this morning via e-mail, our friend Sandy Goodman writes, We (the LND4U Organization) are planning a retreat for the fall of 2008. We INTEND to have it in a central U.S., warm enough to enjoy the outdoors, location. We are looking at Sept. or Oct., a total cost to you of less than $400 for Fri-Sun meals, workshops, and rooms. We have invited several Psychic Mediums and have had positive replies from most of them. We INTEND to have workshops about ADC's, meditation, and other types of alternative HEALING modalities. Most importantly we INTEND to offer a place and time for all of us to connect, to heal, and to share our loved ones with each other. If you are interested, PLEASE go to the forum at http://www.loveneverdies4u.org/forum/ and scroll down to the last section. Read all of the threads about the Retreat. Give us your feedback. If you haven't registered to post yet, PLEASE DO. We need to hear from you. Read more about Sandy's ADC experiences in this feature article, http://www.quickandsimple.com/article.php?id=528&menu=0.

Kay, I'm so sorry the link didn't work for you ~ but since it worked for Derek, I am at a loss. As I'm sure you all know by now, I am NOT a computer whiz, but I do know that sometimes when you get that "file not found" message you just need to ignore it and try the link again. You can also go to my site's Site Map page and find links to all the pages on my Web site listed there. Here is the actual URL address for the Coping with the Holidays page ~ maybe it'll work if you "cut and paste" it into your browser's search engine instead? www.griefhealing.com/coping-with-holidays-articles.htm Please let me know if you're still having trouble accessing the page.

Erica, dear ~ The key to dealing with the holidays is to think about and plan for them ahead of time, so they don't catch us off-guard and unprepared. There are so many wonderful articles written to help the bereaved cope with and manage the holidays (and other celebration days) that I've devoted an entire page to them on my Grief Healing Web site. Just visit my Coping with the Holidays page and you'll find a list of links to those I've found most helpful. Let's also invite all the members of our GH family to share your own ideas and plans for finding your way through this holiday season. And, as Derek points out, always remember that these days have only as much power and significance as you are willing to give them. In the end, they really are just more dates on the calendar, and for the bereaved, they need not be any more or less difficult than any other day.

Dear AnnieO, The topic of Forgiveness is important enough that I am taking the liberty of placing it in its own thread, in hopes that it will generate further discussion. Earlier this morning in another forum you wrote, I always hesitate to post in this forum,because losing my parents ,I know is much different than losing your spouse. But when I read your post about "forgiving" it hit me so hard. I know that a few months ago I did forgive my dad on some level, I had to if I was going to take care of him. But today I realized I haven't completely forgiven him. I feel no freedom and I am trapped here.I am a mess and my brother's life is out of control. My brother's therapist says my brother is isolating himself from everyone that loves him because he is carrying around so much shame. I am organizing a memorial gathering for my parents and am doing all of it alone. I just want my mom and I blame my dad for her not being here, I look at what my life is right now and how sad my kids are, and how my brother' life is..and I blame my dad. And then I realize how much I miss my dad too. I know so many of us mark time with how many months we are into the grieving process...I can no longer mark my progress or healng because I don't fit into any of that anymore, it's been 11 months next week for my mom and 4 weeks this week for my dad. It just feels like I am back at the beginning.So, after all this rambling I guess I just need to know how I stand up and say.."I forgive you" thank you for listening. The Internet contains a number of excellent articles on forgiveness, including an entire Web site (The Forgiveness Web) devoted to the topic. Here are two articles that you may find helpful: How to Forgive: 10 Guidelines, by Victor Parachin The Gift of Forgiveness, by Christine Jette

My dear John, We are terribly sorry to learn of the horrible, senseless accident that took the life of your beloved boy, and you have our deepest sympathy. Please know that you are always welcome here, to vent and scream and rage as much as you need to. After all, what happened to you and your son IS outrageous, and beyond all human understanding . . .

Suzanne, yesterday you wrote, I question myself as well. But what I have read God doesn't mind nor the souls. Even Marty has suggested cetain mediums for communications. They talk as though God has allowed this communication. May God have mercy on me if I have made a terrible mistake. I know you're concerned about your decision, but it is your decision to make. This is your journey, and only you can know what can bring you peace and healing in your grief. I want to share with you a comforting comment by author Elizabeth Harper Neeld, who writes, Almost everyone experiences some kind of strange phenomenon following a loss. But most people are embarrassed to talk about these unusual events for fear that others will think they are crazy. There are many theories to explain strange events that occur. Physicists talk about “implicate order” and “morphogenic fields.” Scientists talk about “laws of seriality” and “object-impact interactions.” Theologians talk about “grace” and “a higher Being.” The most useful way to hold these mysterious events early in the experience of grieving is not to try to understand them but merely to acknowledge and reflect on them. And to realize that a grieving person who sees or hears something unexplainable has not suddenly become addled or weak-minded. We don’t have to be able to explain a phenomenon in order to take comfort from it or to marvel at it. Perhaps the most important thing about experiencing such occurrences is the truth they put before us: that we do not know everything. That there are sources of comfort and of Presence that we cannot explain. That life contains mysteries, and that it is possible to be greatly enriched and even strengthened by these mysteries. That we can be blessed by moments of grace. [source: Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World, © 2003 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, ISBN # 044690503, pp. 41-42] On her After-Death Communication Web site, certified grief recovery specialist Christine Duminiak has posted a video of her interview with Rabbi Marc Gellman and Monsignor Tom Hartman (better known as The God Squad), which you may find comforting as well: http://www.christineduminiak.com/godsquad.html

Bob, I so appreciate your careful, reasoned approach to matters discussed here, as well as your ability to express yourself so clearly. Your post brings to mind an earlier thread dealing with this topic: The Secret

These are some of the methods recommended by accredited sleep centers, as listed in my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Cut back on your caffeine and nicotine intake several hours before going to sleep. Exercise regularly (for 20 minutes at least, three times a week). Avoid self medicating and alcohol which can offer only temporary escape; have serious side effects; affect motor coordination and mental acuity; may lead to dependency; magnify feelings of depression; and disrupt patterns of sleep. Use sleeping aids only as prescribed by your doctor, and only as a temporary way to break the cycle of sleeplessness. Condition yourself to fall asleep to guided imagery, using pre-recorded audio programs with soothing music and voice tones. [These are available from your local library, or for purchase online or from your local bookstore. Three I've used myself and highly recommend: Sleep through Insomnia: Meditations to Quiet the Mind & Still the Body, by KRS Edstrom, ISBN 1886198187, www.AskKRS.com; Sleep Better, Sounds True, Inc., Boulder, CO 80306, 800-333-9185; and A Meditation to Help You with Healthful Sleep, by Belleruth Naparstek, ISBN 188140532X, www.healthjourneys.com, 800-800-8661. See also Belleruth's article, Help with Insomnia.] Avoid going to bed hungry, or after a heavy meal late in the evening. Drink a cup of warm milk or water at bedtime (plain milk is a natural sedative). Separate yourself from the stresses, worries and distractions of the day (yesterday, today or tomorrow). Wind down by reading, or taking a relaxing bath or warm shower before bed. If your spouse is the one who died, sleep on your spouse’s side of the bed; it’s easier if your own side is empty. Put on a night light, but keep your bedroom as cool, quiet, and as dark as possible. Maintain a consistent sleep-wake cycle. Stick to a regular routine; retire and get up at the same time each day, even on weekends. Avoid naps lasting longer than 30 minutes, especially after 3:00 p.m. Establish a bedtime ritual. Cue your body to slow down and relax by preparing for bed the same way each night, and go to bed when you are sleepy. Follow a deep relaxation routine; perform deep breathing exercises in bed. Listen to music that soothes your soul and decreases tension. [Author Elizabeth Harper Neeld offers some wonderful music suggestions here.] Visualize being in your most favorite and pleasant place. Associate your bed only with relaxing, sleeping and sexual pleasure – don’t use it for other activities that can initiate or stimulate worries and concerns.

Maylissa, dear, As one who’s loved and lost both a human baby and a furry canine one, I can tell you that there was a time when there was “nothing like that out there for people like me” either. In 1966, when my baby David died unexpectedly after an uneventful pregnancy at the age of three days, the world as I knew it (and as I expected it to be) was suddenly shattered, and everyone in my corner of the world (except my husband) acted as if nothing of much consequence had happened. No one at home or at work or among my dearest friends would talk with me about it at all. I had no place to take my sorrow; back then there were no grief counselors, no grief support groups, not even articles or books about the grief that accompanies the death of an infant, and certainly no Internet with Web sites and forums aimed at grieving mothers. When my precious little dog Muffin died twenty years later, I was absolutely devastated. Once again, very few people in my world (except my husband and two sons) even noticed (much less acknowledged) the depth of my grief or the significance of my loss. Many of my friends and closest family members were simply mystified that the death of my dog had affected me so profoundly. Once again, I found myself with no place to take my grief. In 1986 there were no such things as grief counselors specializing in pet loss, no pet loss support groups, and precious little was even known, much less published in the literature, about the human-animal bond and the grief surrounding the death of a cherished animal companion. But now, twenty more years later, look how far we’ve come, Maylissa! Over the years I’ve learned that it takes a lot of perseverance, passionate commitment, friendly persuasion and a willingness to inform and gently educate others, first to bring matters like this into people’s consciousness, and then to advocate for the kinds of changes that are required. This very Web site is sponsored by one of the finest hospices in the country, and it includes a forum for Loss of a Pet. My hospice is one of a very few nationwide that offers, in addition to all its other grief support groups, a support group for bereaved animal lovers. None of that happened without a lot of patience, education, friendly persuasion, and preparatory work, but the end result is an acknowledgment that the death of a pet is just as worthy of grief support as the death of any other loved one, and I am very proud of that. We in the grief field used to think that in order to heal, the bereaved had to give up all emotional ties to their deceased loved ones. It’s only been in the last ten years or so that we’ve begun to acknowledge how natural and how important it is to develop and maintain continuing bonds with our deceased loved ones. Now, as you point out in your IADC post, some grief therapists are discovering even more dramatic ways to help people connect with those who have died through induced after-death communication within their therapy sessions. I can remember the days when the topic of ADCs wasn’t even considered worthy of discussion among so-called intelligent people, much less practiced by professional grief counselors! We are making progress, and I think that is something to be acknowledged and celebrated. There is a saying I like, If it is meant to be, it is up to me. Maybe one day you will be the one to suggest or help to pull together the people who could offer “a psychic-based retreat in Canada,” Maylissa, or you will be the person who will start “a psychic/medium type forum for fur-child loss” on the Internet. When my baby David died over 40 years ago, I had no idea what would become of me or where my grief would take me, and I didn’t know what would happen to me after Muffin died, either ~ but today, looking back on each of those life-altering events, I can say without a doubt that I if it had not been for those two major losses and the effects they had on me, I would not be doing what I’m doing today. It’s not so much what happens to us in life that matters; it’s what we do with what happens to us that really makes a difference in this world ~ and each and every one of us is capable of making a difference, no matter how small or how dramatic. There is another Biblical saying that I love, Maylissa: It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. We can exhaust ourselves lamenting the fact that “there is nothing like that out there for people like me,” or we can harness and channel our energy and set about to find a way to make it happen for ourselves and for others. I believe with all my heart that right now you are in the process of finding meaning in your losses. You are searching for your own light, your own mission, your own purpose ~ and there is no doubt in my mind that one day you will find it. In fact, you’re already shining a great deal of your light on the rest of us, right here on this Web site, every time you post and share your experience, your compassion, your caring, and your expertise with the rest of us. That also is something that I acknowledge and celebrate.

Shell, you said, I've been reading a book called "Awakening the Buddha Within" and find it very peaceful to read. One of the things they stress is "living in the moment" and I'm practicing. I haven't read that one, but I have read another book by the same author, Lama Surya Das, that you and Lori may really like also: Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be: Lessons on Change, Loss, and Spiritual Transformation. Since you're drawn to the Buddhist notion of "living in the moment," you might also like Sameet Kumar's Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss. Lori, dear, please know that we're all mindful that today is the first anniversary of your mother's death, and we are thinking of you. Certainly we are hoping that the fires in California will abate soon, as we pray for your safety and that of all your fellow residents.

Hey Laura, your identification say's Oreo's Mommy but I can't tell what is in the picture, just curious what Oreo is. Looks like it may be a dog? [Wendy, not to interrupt the conversation going on here, but just to answer your question: Oreo is Laura's Guinea pig, who died October 13, 2006. You can read more about her here.]

Dear, dear Teny, I'm so sorry. Nothing we can say will ease your pain right now, but I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that you have our deepest sympathy, and we are holding you and your family in our hearts and in our prayers.