MartyT

Tootie, dear, it feels to me as if you've just given us one of the most precious gifts of the season ~ Thank you for your hearfelt sentiments, and know that we are sending the very same warm thoughts back to you. Bless your heart.

Maury, your Melanie may find this book very helpful and informative: Past Perfect, Present Tense! Insights from One Woman's Journey as the Wife of a Widower. (This link will take you to Amazon's description and reviews. Be sure to scroll down the page until you come to all of them, incuding my own.)

Dear Kevin and Pamela, I'm so sorry you didn't make it to our Pet Loss Support Group meeting today ~ I was looking forward to meeting you "in person." I know the weather was bad (for Phoenix) and I hope you're both all right. Please know that I am thinking of you both. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Such stories warm our hearts and remind us that our loved ones are always with us, don't they? We just need to pay attention! Thank you all for sharing, and make sure you read the lastest addition to our Latest News forum, Helen's Christmas Story

Hi Christian, Bob makes some excellent points. It's important when you're on any prescribed medication to work closely with your doctor to make sure you're on the right dosage and getting the expected results ~ and, as Bob said, it takes a while for your body to adjust to and respond to any antidepressant medication. Antidepressants also have side effects that you can discuss with your doctor. If this one isn't working for you, there are others that your doctor can try with you. Other factors come into play as well, such as the time of day when you take the medication, and whether you're combining it with any other medication you may be taking. Be very careful to avoid alcohol, since it can also affect how well your medication works. Bob also mentions talk therapy. You told us a while ago that you planned to meet with a grief counselor. Have you followed through with that, and if so, how's it going? Have you contacted Marcus yet? There are many things you can do to process and manage your grief, Christian, and I think you know by now that by itself, taking antidepressant medication is not enough. We haven't heard from you in quite a while. How are other things in your life going for you now?

Thank you for saying that, Kay ~ and may we all add our voices to what you've said so beautifully to Teny?

Helen’s Christmas Gift from the heart of Bill Whittaker My wife, Helen, and Fred Astaire went way back. At least, it seemed that way to me. It started in the 1960s, when Helen moved from Connecticut to Chicago to take a job as a dance instructor at the Fred Astaire Dance Studio in the Loop district. Some twenty years later, Helen and I were in Paris when Fred Astaire died. We got the news on television – French television. Our language challenge was broken when a Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire movie was broadcast in tribute to the deceased dancer. Now, nearly 20 years after Fred Astaire’s death, Helen was dead, too. She had been totally bedridden for the last four years of her life. During that time, we watched a lot of television, a lot of movies. We watched Rogers and Astaire musicals whenever they were broadcast. We liked those movies. They always made us feel good. Another thing you need to know about Helen is she was an avid movie buff. She had to know who the players were, the year of release, the director, and all the details about a movie that only a film scholar could appreciate. To fill this need, I gave Helen a book that alphabetically listed all the movies ever made and answered all the questions she could ever want to know. It was a Christmas gift, and I gave it to Helen just before she fell ill. She loved that book. In a short time, she filled it with bookmarks. She used it so much, the binding started to fail and some of the pages were beginning to fall out. When she became bedridden, she would ask me to look up information for her. For Helen, this book was a crucial part of her movie-watching life. Helen was gone now and, for the first time in 25 years, I was approaching my first Christmas without her. I didn’t decorate or put up a tree. I didn’t feel like it. The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas moved along swiftly. My time was taken up with doing things around the house and staying abreast of the football games, both collegiate and professional. On December 23, a Saturday, I went to the store to get some things I needed. When I got there, every parking space was taken. I didn’t want to go shopping now even if I had found a parking spot. I didn’t want to face a crowd of holiday shoppers. I wasn’t up for that. I wanted to do something, though. To turn around and go home again would have been to surrender to the Crusading Consumers of Christmas. An inspiration struck me. I would visit the library. I drove over there and the library parking lot assured me I would find no maddening horde of people here. Just inside the door of the library building and before entering the library itself, there is a room where used books are on sale. In front of this room is a table for special bargains on books, CDs, video cassettes and DVDs. As I walked past that table, I couldn’t help but notice a thick, hard cover book that looked new. It was right on top of the pile of bargains. It stood out like a beacon on a moonless night. It was a book of essays about great movies. I thought, “Helen would have loved this book.” Curious, I picked up the book and opened it to the table of contents. The essays used the movie titles and were arranged alphabetically. As I went through the contents, I came to the title, “Swing Time.” Knowing it was a Rogers and Astaire film, I immediately went to the page of that particular essay and stood there reading the three and a half pages about this movie. When I finished, I had a new appreciation for this movie and a great feeling about this book. I bought it and went straight home feeling like I had found a rare treasure, a lost gold mine. For the rest of the afternoon I read essays about my personal favorite movies. I also read about movies that I had never seen. Before closing the book for the day, I reread the essay about “Swing Time.” When I finished, I put the book down and thought how Helen would have loved it. As I reflected, an unusual feeling came over me. This wonderful book about movies was Helen’s gift to me. I was completely overwhelmed by the feeling that this book was meant for me. That night, I went to sleep thinking Helen had said “Merry Christmas” to me. The next day was Sunday. It was Christmas Eve. I was ready to watch football all day. I didn’t ignore the fact that it was Christmas Eve, but I wasn’t going to make a big deal of it either. As I watched the games throughout the day, I would look at that book, flip through the pages, read some passages, and generally thank Helen for this wonderful gift. Between the day games and the evening game, I read the essay about “Swing Time” again. When the last game ended, I was ready for a good night’s sleep. I went to bed and turned on my favorite movie channel. I fully expected to fall asleep to “It’s a Wonderful Life.” After all, it was Christmas Eve. To my astonishment and amazement, the late movie for this particular evening was “Swing Time.” I was wide awake now, and feeling warm and fuzzy and good. I watched the entire movie. All the while, I couldn’t help but feel that Helen was watching with me. It was mystical. It was magical. It was miraculous. First the book and then the movie, it was an unforgettable Christmas package that could have come only from Helen. Copyright © 2007 by Bill Whittaker, ellis2455@aol.com In Touch Hospice of the Valley Bereavement Newsletter, November/December 2007 Reprinted with permission of the author

Elizabeth Harper Neeld shares with us the special column she was invited to write for the AARP Web site: A while back, right before the holiday season, a member of the national staff at AARP called to ask me to write a special column for their website. "Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas…all these special occasions are coming," Susan said, "Since this is such a difficult time for those who have experienced loss, we would like you to write a piece that might be useful to people who are grieving." I was happy to say yes to AARP's request because I knew, both from my own personal experience and from the research I had done for my books Seven Choices and Tough Transitions, that the holiday season is a specific kind of challenge. All of these holidays celebrate family, togetherness, light, peace, joy, and miracle…and for those of us grieving it is the very absence of all these things that make the days especially long and the nights empty. Here is the piece I wrote, called "Ashes & Embers." I hope you or those you might pass the newsletter along to find value in these thoughts that I send along to you today with care and love. Read on . . .

Bless your heart, Corinne, you are most welcome. Your children might like this idea, too: Light a Memorial Candle for Your Loved One

My dear one, I'm so very sorry for your loss of your beloved son Brandon, and I can only imagine the depth of your pain. You're so right ~ it isn't fair ~ there is nothing fair about it, and even if "everything happens for a reason," there is absolutely no reason in the world that will ever make this right. We are not supposed to outlive our children, are we? I also cannot understand the incredible insensitivity (dare I say ignorance?) of your school board members. I think they may need some education and enlightenment about dealing more effectively with the death of a classmate in their school. (See, for example, Encouraging Your School to be Grief Friendly.) I hope by now that you have found your way to The Compassionate Friends, whose mission is to assist and support families in the aftermath of the death of a child. You will find links to this and many other helpful resources on the Death of a Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. See also the links listed on my site's Child, Adolescent Grief page, as you may find some of them helpful in assisting Jeremie and Codie with their grief. At the very least, know that you are most welcome here, and know too that you are being held by all of us in gentle thought and prayer.

To hang a virtual stocking in memory of your departed loved ones, go to Christmas in Heaven

Held annually the second Sunday in December, this year December 9, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries. Further details here.

(I know it's off the subject at hand, but I just wanted to tell you, Maylissa, how much I love the latest picture of your two little darlings. They're both sooooooo beautiful . . .)

I, too, am thankful for each and every precious one of you. And when I count my blessings, I count the members of our GH family twice.

To my knowledge, Derek, right now Hospice of the Valley is one of the few hospices in the country (if not the only one) that offers online grief support officially sponsored by a hospice, and whose forums are carefully monitored and moderated by professional hospice bereavement counselors. I cannot say how many hospices in other areas of the country know about this site, but I do know that we’re doing our best to let them know about it. Our site is always mentioned whenever one of us is interviewed or invited to write an article on the topic of grief. (For example, the site was featured in editor Andrea Gambill’s “Welcome” column in the July 2007 issue of Grief Digest Magazine.) Certainly members of our staff mention the site whenever we attend conferences at the national, regional, and local levels, and dozens of reciprocal links to us have been established through my own Grief Healing Web site. In addition, I believe that one of the best ways for people to learn about this site is through the personal experiences and recommendations of our individual members. If the site has been helpful to you, you can let others in your own circle know about it. (For example, you can tell Carson’s counselor about the site, so that person or agency can let other bereaved families know about it, too.) As for informal social gatherings of members in different parts of the country (including here in Phoenix), that is best left up to our individual members to arrange. Even in our “in person” support groups, we recognize that friendships may develop as group members get to know one another outside our groups, and that can be quite wonderful and special ~ but no member should feel any pressure in that regard.

Shelley, dear ~ I'm so sorry to learn this very sad news. Please know that we're all thinking of you and the children, and holding you in our hearts . . .

Hi Kevin, I've just finished reading a wonderful book entitled Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish. (I ordered the book earlier this week, after catching a televised interview with the author, Mark Levin, who happens to be a nationally-syndicated radio talk-show host. I had never heard of the man before I saw this interview.) The author looks at the loss of his dog from a man's perspective, and I found his book to be very moving and honest. This afternoon, out of curiosity, I paid a visit to Mark Levin's Web site, www.marklevinshow.com, where I found a number of video and audio clips in which he shares with other (male) talk-show hosts what he has learned from his own experience of adopting, loving and losing his beloved dog, Sprite. Since you're looking "to see if anyone had replied or if other posts have helpful insight into this experience," I thought you might like to visit Mark's site to listen to what insights he has gained.

Let's do it all together, yes? HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR CHRISTIAN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

Thanks for the video, Bob ~ fascinating stuff. I think it was Abraham Lincoln who once shared the profound observation that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Wendy, dear ~ you might want to use this with your family members: Permission to Mourn This Holiday Season (Harold Ivan Smith is also the author of A Decembered Grief: Living with Loss While Others Are Celebrating) You'll find links to lots of other helpful ideas, articles and books on the Coping with the Holidays page of my Grief Healing Web site.

Rosanne, you said, My brother and I were talking about Thanksgiving today, and what we were going to do, and I just thought as bad as we feel and as sad as we are we still need to give thanks for what we have left, does this make sense? It does indeed make sense, and it reminds me of this beautiful piece by Darcie Sims, For That I Am Thankful.

My dear friend, I’m so very sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved brother, who clearly was your soulmate ~ I love your mom’s description that the two of you were twins, born five years apart. I simply cannot imagine the magnitude of this loss in your life, and for that you have our deepest sympathy. You say that after the first two days of crying, it seemed like a blanket of peace and understanding came over you, as if you were “really ok with this.” But now that the initial shock and numbness are beginning to wear off, you’re being hit with the full force of your grief, and you’re wondering what in the world is happening to you. What is worse, you are now without your best source of support, because you cannot turn to your brother for the sage advice he’s always been there to give to you. You’re also caught in a bind because “I dont' feel like I can talk to any of my family or friends about it because I had been handling everything so well for the last 3 weeks.” Given all of that, is it any wonder that you’re feeling so frightened, lost, and alone? I hope that, through reading some of the other messages posted in this forum and on this site, you will come to see that this grief you are feeling is neither an illness nor a pathological condition ~ Rather, it is a normal reaction to the death of someone you loved with all your heart. We often say here that the work of mourning is some of the hardest work you will ever have to do, and to expect that you can do it all by yourself is neither realistic nor necessary. You have suffered a broken heart, just as surely as if it had been torn in two. If any other part of your body were so injured, you wouldn’t be questioning your pain or chastising yourself for not being able to “handle it” better than you are. I can certainly understand and appreciate your concern about your sister-in-law and her children, but it seems to me that right now the best way you can help them with their grief is to take care of your own grief first. How can you do that? By reaching out to others for the support that you need right now. If family members and friends cannot “be there” for you in the way that you need them to be ~ or in the way that your brother always has been in the past ~ or if your needs exceed their capacity to help, I hope you will consider some other alternatives. You’ve taken the first step by posting in this forum, where you’ve acknowledged that “I don’t know what to do anymore.” In addition to sharing your story here with us and surrounding yourself with the caring and compassionate people you will find here, you might also consider finding a trusted friend, relative, clergy person, grief counselor or grief support group where you can talk over and explore some of these concerns, get your feelings validated, come to a greater understanding of what you are experiencing, and learn some ways to manage your reactions. It also helps to do some reading about grief in general and loss of a sibling or twin in particular ~ the Death of a Sibling or Twin page of my Grief Healing Web site is a very good place to start. Although your beloved brother is no longer here with you in the physical sense, my friend, I hope it brings you comfort to know that he still exists in your heart and in your memory ~ and the very special relationship you have with him, the love you feel for him, certainly has not died. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Shelley, dear ~ I’m so sorry that you are left with the impression that there are no people here who care that your niece and nephews are losing their only pet after Christmas. As I’ve said many times elsewhere in these forums, just because a person’s post may go unanswered for a while, it does not necessarily follow that nobody cares, and it saddens me that you or any of our other members would feel that way. In the two and a half years that you’ve been a member of our GH family, Shelley, you’ve posted in these forums over a thousand times, on the average of once a day, and I know from reading every one of those messages (as well as the responses you’ve received from others) that there are lots of people here who care very much about you, about what’s happening to Bailey, and about the effects of an animal’s death and dying on the children in your family. See, for example, Bailey Is Dying. See also my response to you in Really Down Today I also know that this is not the first time that you’ve felt a need to be “done with this website,” Shelley, and that’s okay. You need to do whatever you need to do in order to take care of yourself. Just know that if and when you do decide to come back to us, we will always be here to welcome you. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

As mentioned in an earlier post, the Love Never Dies 4U Organization is planning a retreat for the fall of 2008. Several psychic mediums have been invited, and workshops will focus on ADC's, meditation, and other types of alternative healing modalities. The workshop is intended "to offer a place and time for all of us to connect, to heal, and to share our loved ones with each other." Love Never Dies 4U Retreat Information Update from Sandy Goodman, dated November 5, 2007: The LND4U Retreat is a reality! We have reserved YOUR bed at the Enota Mountain Retreat in Hiawassee,Georgia on September 12 through September 14, 2008. While we are struggling with the technical difficulties of creating an online agenda and registration form, please check out ENOTA and mark your calendar. If you are interested in reserving your spot now, which we are strongly recommending, please visit our registration page and pay with Paypal. We are excited . . . and hope you are as well! == LND4U Board Sandy, Vicki, Trish, Carol, Carla, and Deana

Maylissa, dear, Thank you so much for alerting us to this wonderful resource, which I was not aware of until I read your post and followed the link to Dr. Bittel’s Spirits in Transition Web site. I don’t know how you first learned of this woman's work, but I’m ever so grateful to you for sharing it with the rest of us! Interestingly enough, one of the main topics of discussion during my Pet Loss Support Group this past Saturday morning here in Phoenix was providing hospice care for animals, so your discovery couldn’t have been more timely! I also think it’s important to acknowledge that, at this very early stage of development, most communities and individuals are not prepared to provide for our animal companions all the services that hospice provides for people. We need to be careful that we don’t add yet another layer of guilt onto the heads and hearts of those animal lovers who aren’t in a position (or don’t have the resources) to provide such care, especially when we don’t yet have the support systems in place to make such an option viable. Nevertheless, I agree with you, Maylissa, that it’s important that we become aware of this significant movement in animal health care, to learn all we can about it, to spread the word about it, and to promote its growth and development. Some of us may choose to get even more involved, and I can think of no greater tribute to your beloved Nissa and Sabin than that. On her Web site, Dr. Bittel suggests a number of ways that those who are interested can share in her vision and become a part of building an animal hospice support network. See Volunteer Opportunities. Again, Maylissa, please know how grateful I am that you brought this valuable and timely information to us.