kayc

It's unlikely we forget, but the emotional pain gradually diminishes away. It's good when you realize he can pop in your mind without longing or pain!

I was horrified to hear of it, prayed for the families, so often they are young.

Mary, you are fortunate if you get the name of a good handyman, something I'm sure all of us wish we had. It's hard finding someone that doesn't want to rip you off just because you're a woman. Yikes! Still waiting, as all of us are, on word of Anne...

I'm sorry, Chris. I know it's hard. In the earlier days it's a minute at a time instead of a day at a time. It's hard just getting through that one minute. Is there anything that helps? For me it's been my dog and nature. But I know, everywhere are reminders of the empty hole...

I think it's up to us to set the "reasonable period of time" (waiting), that will vary with each individual. Whether two months or a year, it's up to us.

Next month it'll be three years since we broke up and I still don't want him to have someone else and be happy with her. Just being honest. But if he did, I'd have to deal with it. Just as if I did, he'd have to deal with it. When there is a break up, there is that risk that someone is going to find someone new. I know the breakup wasn't about that, but given enough time, it can happen all the same. A part of me feels he doesn't deserve to be happy with someone else, esp. after what he did to me! He had someone perfectly good and threw her away (me!) so why should he get to move on and be happy! But I know if I was totally over him I'd feel indifference. Guess that answers that question! But over him or not, I have resolve and nothing's going to happen between us unless we work on what took place and resolve it so it wouldn't reoccur. I am unwilling to go through this heartbreak again! Pollara, we aren't in different countries and it still happened, so I don't think that has anything to do with it. Distance can be worked out!

I agree, and I think no contact is in order until you are over this pain and can think clearly without bias. I would not want someone who made me feel like I had to change who I was or like I wasn't "right" the way I was! You don't need him to complete you or make you happy but you do need to realize you can have a good life without him.

I don't think Jim would have broke up with me if he hadn't gone through the caretaking and death of his mom...I think it was just too much for him, for him to be able to handle even an ounce of a relationship. Sure I questioned and analyzed the relationship afterwords, I think it's natural to, but quite honestly, we enjoyed each other's company and there was no warning whatsoever that he was dissatisfied with me or the relationship beforehand. He seemed proud to call me his fiance. I think it's quite possible that death could have been the trigger for DML's girl as well. I have not encountered anyone that suffered memory loss with grief, nor some of her other strange behaviors, but I am not a Psychologist so I can't say what is related and what isn't. It's obvious something has triggered it. Was she unbalanced to start with? I don't know. I wish her therapist could cue DML in to what's going on, but due to privacy laws, they probably can't. DML, I feel confident that you will do what is best for yourself when you are ready. I think all of us here have basis for our caution...we don't want you to get hurt any more than you already have...how we have been there and how well we know that pain!

Thank you, Mary. Yes, indeed, this sacred bridge which is comprised of all of us. And there is always room for one more, whoever needs to be here. This is the place that was my salvation as I began my grief journey...and so many times along the way. I know if I had left first, it would have been my George here writing to you all...he was a eloquent and gifted writer with a heart of gold. It was in writing our hearts out that we first found each other. Maybe he prepared me for this place...

Shainae, I am so sorry for your loss and I do understand how hard it is to not get that "one last time" to share with each other before they go, because that was my experience also. Mostly I just wanted to assure my George I'd be okay so as to relieve his mind and tell him it was "okay" for him to go (even though my heart and soul cried out against it). One thing I have learned is that our love never ended in death, it continues still. I've learned to carry him in my heart, and eventually you will to. I reach down inside whenever I need his comfort or encouragement. You have found a good place to come to here, and I hope you will continue to come back here and voice yourself. It does help to express ourselves, and we'll be here to help you through your grief journey if you desire.

My neighbor told me last night he wants to come back as his dog. I think I'd opt for that too. I bet Benji is having a great time and will be ready for his mom as soon as she can be back with him. My thoughts have been on Anne today, even while working. Praying that they find what they need to know so they can best take care of her for us!

I don't think we "move on" either, even if it were possible, we wouldn't want to. But we do have to "continue" and they would want us to. Until the day we can be reunited!

fae, I truly hope you continue to enjoy your journey home, and no problems arise. The wonder of beauty and nature is so restorative! People ask me all the time why I live where I do, if they experienced it, they'd know! You have my permission to tackle the 7" stack of mail a couple of days AFTER you've gotten home! Gotta have time to brew your decaf. first!

I just rested yesterday. I washed my car and bathed Arlie and gave him walks, but other than that, just rested. I was completely exhausted from my day (night) trip. fae, I don't know how you do it, all this travel! Today, I'll let Anne have my share of chocolate...as long as I can still get my coffee!

Mary, Thank you for your continuing updates on Shannon. I will certainly pray her body accepts the bone marrow. I think it is indeed a blessing that she's sleeping. She will probably have to put off her grief work until she is physically better able bodied. I hope she continues sleeping. Any chance she can get solid diet soon?

I agree with Pollara that you need to do what is best for yourself. And your seeing a therapist to get a road map for recovery in your life may not be a bad idea.

Sometimes you have to absent yourself to give them a chance to miss you and you a chance to grow stronger.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and either way it goes, you will be okay in the end. I hope for his sake he does seek help, but I also know that's something he has to decide for himself. Sometimes when you're in the middle of grief, it's hard to see things that might be obvious to everyone else.

While it is true that you do have to accept his decision as you can't force someone to change their mind, still it is hard to accept, I know, and in the meantime, it hurts like the dickens. It sounds like he has a fairy tale view of how things should be and is unable to accept things in reality. Everyone has things they have to work on, that's part of having a relationship. Jim tended to be that way too, thought the least little thing meant it wasn't working, etc. Can you imagine how exhausting life would be with such a person? Always having to convince them that it was good, always doing the trying. I don't think a relationship is meant to be that way. Both need to try, both need to realize how important the other is and care enough to make it work...it can't work one sided. I don't mean to imply that he didn't contribute, but rather that he wasn't willing to compromise or change and the fact that he didn't value you enough to try shows me he isn't "the one" for you. Everyone deserves better than that, better than to have their heart broken. The pain does take time to heal. I don't know any way but straight through it, letting the tears fall, but determining to get over the person. Remove any "things" that remind you of him. Cut off contact...perhaps after a year or so you could be friends, but you need to give yourself time and space to heal first. Put yourself first, reconnect with friends and family, hobbies, take a class you have always wanted to take, get counseling if need be to help give you a road map to getting over him and life's disappointments. There is nothing wrong with your independence, in fact, nothing wrong with YOU! The "right one" would appreciate every little thing about you and admire you for it.

Louisajane I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. And I'm 60...I have no desire to start again.

Chris, I only know if roles were reversed, you would not be so hard on Paula as you are on yourself. The truth is we are the ones going through the hard part...they are out of their suffering just as ours begins. Anything you can do to get through this...including giving yourself a break now and then. No one can take the intensity of grief 24/7 indefinitely. We have to have brief respites of enjoyment and relaxation, and it's up to us to find the way to, be it a hobby, our kids, friends, nature, sleep, whatever. This doesn't come easy to us in the beginning, it takes time for us to even work that out. Paula is never away from you, she exists inside your heart. When you were together, were there ever times you sat in a room, quiet, neither one needing to say anything, but just enjoying each other's presence? That is how it is like on this grief journey...we learn to carry them inside of us and sometimes words aren't necessary, we don't need to frantically work at it, but be still and just experience life how it is, draw from your loved one being with you even though in a different form, know that her love is still with you even as yours abounds with her.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Kevin. You won't hear anyone here saying "you should move on" because we've all been through it and get it. It's inappropriate for people to tell you how you should feel or should be doing, it invalidates your feelings and your feelings are valid, this is your experience. Grief's timetable is different for everyone, there are so many factors involved that affect how we cope with our grief...the length and depth of relationship, our personal coping skills, how intertwined our lives were, and so much more. Losing a husband is one of the hardest losses there is. I hope you don't lose your home, and I hope by coming here, you can find some solace and encouragement...I know I could not have survived without this site to come to and the people here. It is not about "getting over" your spouse...that we never do. We continue to miss them the rest of our lives. What we do learn as we go through this journey, is how to deal with the loss. It helps to have some grief counseling, and a support group, as well as this forum to come to. It all helps. I am amazed I have survived this journey, there was a time I didn't think I would or could. I know that some people don't mourn the loss of their spouse, because they weren't as close or didn't have a good marriage, but that certainly isn't the case with any of us here. To us, they were our soul mates, best friends, lover, comforter, encourager, partner. To lose all of that at once is a huge thing. While it does take time to heal, time alone does nothing...as Marty once said, it is what we do with that time that counts, I'm sure that's true. We have all put in our grief work, which includes allowing ourselves to feel the pain, to mourn them, and yes to even give ourselves permission to smile again, even if only for a brief moment. Many of us continue on in their honor because we know that's what they would want, and one of the most important things I've learned in my own grief journey, is how to carry my George within my heart and draw from him, knowing he is inside of me and cheering me on and still loving me even when he can no longer audibly tell me. Our love is forever and goes way beyond mere death of physical form. I believe with all of my heart we will be reunited. Sometimes when I am so tired of the struggle and so weary, I imagine him holding me...it helps. It is okay to feel as you do, and one of the other things I learned in this journey is to stand up to people, I try to be sensitive and tactful if possible, but I have learned to state how I feel. Sometimes people can just be so inappropriate, even if they mean well. I hope you will keep coming back here and feel free to express yourself. Their is power in expressing yourself, and as so many of us felt we lost our power when our spouse died (after all, no one asked us if this is what we wanted!), it has been therapeutic to be able to say how we feel. Kay

Anne, It is so wonderful that you'll be a Book Fairy! I tried to get my sister to do that when she retired, she would have loved it and so would the kids, but alas she was depressed and did nothing. I believe things are going to go well with your procedures and you will begin to feel better because of it. fae, do be safe on your trip home, stay away from Moose, and take your time with the trip.

Anne, I've been thinking of you this weekend, you and Shannon both. Benji will undoubtedly enjoy his time away as an adventure and perhaps sleep some of it away. I was worried about leaving Arlie alone last night, he isn't used to me being gone at night as I protect that time, but he must have been okay, he is laying here drying off after his bath. I pray it doesn't come to a heart attack, yet it is true, better if you have to have one, to have it in such an environment. But you have a lot of people praying for you!

Mary, thank you for sharing your poetry...something we can all relate to. I survived the trip last night, just barely. Started out with texts from my boss, apparently we aren't getting paid this week (again) as he was asking questions about payroll taxes. I've been telling him for 6 1/2 years that my cell phone does not work at my home, if he has a question to call me with it, he sounded irritated I didn't get right back to him but not only was it my day off, I hadn't known he'd asked any questions as he didn't direct them via the right route. The kids and I made it up to Portland, it was so hot! I don't do well in the heat, so many people, most of whom I did not know. It was miserable. We stayed for three hours and they still hadn't opened cards, cut the cake, or brought out the hula dancers yet. I got home at 12:15 am. Arlie had eaten the fly strip (I hope this doesn't pose a medical problem) and got the sticky stuff all over his legs/paws so that dirt clung to it, so this morning a bath was the first thing on the agenda. He was so good, nestled his head against me for reassurance through the whole thing. The neighbor came to check on Arlie while I was gone and stepped in dog poop and got it all over the front porch so I was out there cleaning it up by flashlight and didn't get to sleep until 2:00 am. (Should have been on line with you, Mary!) I had my computer off because of the heat. The cat woke me up at 3:00 am crashing her food bowl off the dryer, catfood went everywhere, so I cleaned it up and finally went back to sleep. Woke up usual time. Got up and washed the bugs off my car. Truly an exhausting weekend. I do agree that you carry the grief with you, but that also doesn't mean we're sad all of the time, it is, like you say, like grief and joy coexist inside of us.