kayc

This reminds me about a prayer class I taught. Each week brought a different segment, and this one week it was to show how when we pray, we become more pliable. I started the class out closing their eyes to focus...and each of them held a piece of clay in their hands. There was no talking...just time for them to feel the clay, move it around, etc. When we discussed what we'd observed, mention was made that the longer the clay was held, the softer it got, the easier it was to mold, etc. And so we are in God's hands. It's interesting to note what we notice when we are mindful...be it clay or cookie dough.

Wow, Harry, that is great! You should feel good about what you have accomplished!

So true, Anne. Grieving is nothing like a sickness...in fact, death is very much a part of the cycle of life. Quite ordinary in it's process...anything BUT ordinary to those of us left here to deal with it.

Thanks, Mary. She may feel more like connecting with us later on down the road...I know it really helped me to find others that understood what I was going through. Withdrawing from the rest of the world is kind of normal. It's hard to see the rest of the world going on when your own life came to a stand still. She really has a lot on her plate. I hope she soon gets through the chemo and all of the side effects.

Well the fact that you are still wanting Ben after all these years but would hesitate contacting him out of fear of finding out how things really stand shows me you re possibly living in a fantasy world where reality has little to do with it. I think it'd be good to face your fears, confront the facts, and begin living, really living in reality. But I'm not a counselor or therapist so what do I know? All I have to offer is my life experience and intuition. I wish you luck. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and feel you're making some progress.

My dear fae, you are so brave! I should be so brave in my own life. You have books Doug wrote about your courtship? How precious is that! As well as letters, etc. I let go of George's letters as I did not want someone after me reading them, they were private and between us...I had two huge 5" binders full of them and I burned them. My little sister said she could not have done that, but they are in my heart, I remember the contents so well, and he had already let go of my letters to him, to preserve our privacy. We have kept our cards to each other, though and there is still so much of our courtship held there. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, but it is done and no time for regrets. And fae, we are blessed to have YOU here in OUR tribe! And yes to what Anne said as well! To me, this journey only began in pain, but it is not the pain that it is about, it is the learning and healing that goes along with it.

Wow, you are really hard on yourself! What I see as taking a break for your own mental well-being, which can be a real necessity, you manage to translate as a sin of omission, a breech against Paula, a forsaking of your vows? Really? I don't get how you get all of that out of it. I think Paula would prefer you be a little more understanding of your difficult situation and a little more loving to yourself. Honestly, if she had lived and you had died, would you have responded this way to HER?

Never thought of it that way, I should have taken it up, LOL! Congrats on the casting, now you can focus on the play!

Actually, it seems like a million years ago that I lost him and that our life together was but a dream.

It seems hard to me to visit a cemetery. That's why, when my husband died, I had him cremated and two years later scattered his ashes in our back yard, under a tree. I can look out over the yard and know he's there. It will be hard one day when I have to move though. My own dad is buried in a cemetery. So is my MIL an FIL, and it's very hard to visit there, I don't know why, maybe because the cemetery is all about death and burial, whereas my own back yard has been filled with life and existence over the years.

I love the one where she's on her back, laughing!

I'm sorry this day is so hard for you, the first of many Father's Days without him...I know how hard it is, my own dad passed 31 years ago and my husband died on Father's Day eight years ago. It will get better eventually but it does take a long time. I'm glad you still have your husband. I would tell him Happy Father's Day anyway, who know but maybe they hear us.

That's great, keep us posted!

Thank you, Mary. And I'm sure it feels better to her to be out of the Psych unit. Still praying for her. I hope she hears from Leo's daughter today, it has to be hard, Father's Day w/o him for the first time in years.

fae, many (((hugs))). I am surviving yet another Father's Day...eight years ago my George passed on Father's Day, now to survive Wednesday too because it was on the 19th that year. I've kept busy with church and music practices and making pies for fathers...time to go walk Arlie now.

You were right, Jan, we were sleeping! We need some more from your area that are awake when you are! No doubt about it, this place rocks, good friends!

Okay, you can Fed Ex ON early am my piece! Will have for breakfast.

I am a Christian but I agree with Pollara in that I don't believe in fate and destiny except by our own making. I do think "destiny" if you will, sends us opportunities and encounters but it's up to us to make the most of them. Sometimes you look at the odds of meeting a certain person the way you did and marvel that it happened or that this person who is so right for you should suddenly show up in your existence. The truth is, though, that there are millions of people in this world, is it really so odd that you should meet one...or two, or more, that "fit" with you? I've never found anyone that fit with me like George did, but then again, I haven't gone out of my way to really look either, and relying on happenstance cuts the odds alot. I agree with Pollara that your bias is keeping you from having the happy life you could possibly have. I think as long as you are pining the past you will deny yourself a future.

Of course we remember you, and it's good to hear from you! I don't feel angry but I do remember going through an angry stage. We were still considered honeymooners, married 3 years and 8 months. I think at 20 years we still would have been though, because it's how we interacted, how we saw each other. I know it feels unfair that some get their whole lives together and some get gypped, but I truly believe we would not have felt any better about it losing them after 50 years than what we got. We can't compare losses...each of our losses seems the greatest in the world. I'm glad you're doing better, and that it is at least cope-able.

Chris, Anne is right, the intensity of the pain will lessen with time, be glad for it, no one could take pain on that level for years. It won't mean you miss her less or love her less, it's just our bodies adjust so we can live through it.

Lina, I'm glad you found a group that is helpful to you. I understand the anger, we didn't get 40 years either, heck, I'd have settled for 20!

fae, so glad to hear this is a time of healing for you!

Thank you for sharing that, it made me cry! I'm glad you adopted Gracie; I know one never takes another's place, they are all unique and have those special qualities we love in them, but each one different. I pray you and Gracie have a long and happy life together.

Well personally, if I were to look for and find an old love, I would probably keep it simple for openers so as not to scare them off, something like "I will always consider the time I had with you very special" and "I wonder if you have thought of me"... I don't think Don Ho's list applies in your case so much because it was written more for someone who has just been broken up with and wanting to get through it...usually either getting over them or hoping for the best possible chance to get them back. The reason I don't find it applicable is in your case, 30 years has gone by and I'm sure he has moved on, way on, by now. I'd think it helpful to continue pursuing other interests rather than continuing to fixate on someone who doesn't want me. Gosh I know that sounds harsh and I really don't mean it to, I mean it as the cold hard truth spoken with sincere caring for your best interests. But if therapy by professionals who are educated to help hasn't done any good, what can I possibly add to it that could help you? I have never known anyone who still carried a torch for someone 30 years later, so am at a loss as to what to say, I'm sorry. I know it's got to be hard for you. Have you thought of writing a letter FROM him TO you as to what you think he really might say to you after all of this time?

Mary, I am so sorry this is causing you so much internal pain. I hope you can take your cue from Bentley and not let it bother you. I would not consider giving Arlie more baths than is good for him just because someone else likes to make and live by unnecessary and ridiculous rules. Dogs are not people and they vary as to how often they need to bathe. I got my Lucky girl from someone who told me she needed Allerseb shampoo from the vet and needed to be bathed weekly. I followed that for a while and then decided to skip it to two weeks and found she did much better. Later I discovered that even longer yet was better for her skin and finally I discovered she didn't need the Allerseb, that ordinary wash or shampoo was fine for her. She never suffered from skin problems except when she was over-bathed.