kayc

Sehnsucht is an apt description, thank you for sharing that Mary.

Mary, thank you, that is so sweet! Ditto! I had a wonderful day yesterday but was much too exhausted to come here last night. I took Arlie to my son & DIL's house, about 2 1/2 hours away from here and Arlie went nuts! We had to put him and Mozzy out in the yard to get some energy out and then we took all of the dogs to the dog park. Arlie had a great time, he's so social and does well with other dogs. He doesn't have Mozzy's stamina though, she kept running the entire time we were there (about 2 1/2 hours). Skye has gone downhill since the last time I saw him, I didn't get a greeting from him like I usually do, he just lays there, but I laid on the floor with him and rubbed his ears and told him grandma loves him. Amazingly enough, though when we went to the dog park, he hobbled along in slow motion for quite some time before laying down and resting, the ground is soft and covered with chips so easier on his paws, which often drag or cave under. I brought him his homemade dog treats and he loves them. So Arlie had his big day out, a ride in the truck, getting to see his favorite people and favorite dogs AND a trip to the dog park. It was in the low 80s and gorgeous all day.

Melina, I do understand how you're feeling, oh so much! I miss being able to talk things over with George, and it's especially hard when it's something important like this. Please don't second guess yourselves...you've done a tremendous job of parenting. The times are hard, they are here too. To be stuck in a lifelong job with something you feel no passion or enjoyment for...well that is to live my life now, and that is very hard. I think it's good that they pursued their dreams and who knows but what things won't turn around and that education put to use after all. For now he may have to take just any job to get by, while continuing to pursue his career opportunities. Things cannot continue as they are forever. Our history shows cycles and we've been in this cycle for some time now, but it has to have an upsurge eventually. Our kids are and always will be tremendously important to us and we feel for them so strongly...but as they grow up, they are ultimately responsible to figure things out for themselves and make their own decisions. I worry about my daughter but I can't change anything, it's her life and her choices. We can only be here as a sounding board for them...it's up to them to get their own jobs and figure their own lives out. I think sometimes that being the parent of a grown child is much more difficult than being the parent of a minor...we have no control yet we have a lifetime of wisdom...and it seems to count for naught sometimes. You are not alone here, you are understood and safe here. I know it's hard to find anyone out there that gets it, I guess that's why we all keep coming here. I wish it were easier for you...for all of us.

Don't worry, overreacting is a part of grief...I did it, I'm sure we all have. It's stressful grieving. Try not to focus on what others think. I know what it is to be in that place, it's hard but it can also make you stronger. When my kids' dad and I divorced, it was very taboo...we were extremely involved in our church and this is a small town. I hibernated, he didn't...people took sides even though they didn't know anything about it. I kept everything inside. He got all of the friends, church, respect...I got our kids. For a while I got hate mail, seriously. We had to let the answering machine screen our calls. You learn to hold your head up with the knowledge of what you know to be true about yourself. I determined not to let others or their reactions change who I am...I continued to smile in the face of adversity or animosity. It is truly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through but I can honestly say it made me a strong person. Remember, YOU are the person you need to be true to...you do not need anyone else's approval. The people in the town/s will move on to something else. I even told myself, "well at least I'm diverting the talk from some other poor soul!" It's all okay. I'm proud of who I am and I know few would be strong enough to have gone through everything I have gone through in life. You will feel that way too.

Arlie is not aggressive either. Is is just a big goofball that most dogs don't take seriously so they don't feel the need to flaunt the alpha issue. One exception: the German Shepherd across the street...he burst out of his enclosure and attacked Arlie one time and Arlie did not bite him back...he looked like he didn't know what to do. It was compounded because I was there and he was on a leash...not equal footing. Had I cut him loose...I don't know what would have happened.

I don't have a fenced yard and Arlie doesn't get to run except in the house. He's very social and loves other dogs but seldom gets to play with them. Not having a dog park in our town, it's a rare treat for him that he thoroughly enjoys. I think I would feel way more leery if he was a small dog. There will be four of us adults there to watch our dogs...Skye will be on the sidelines as he's not able to run and play, but enjoys watching. People are not supposed to leave their dogs unattended or bring vicious dogs and I've never witnessed that although I suppose there's always a first. Ideally, I wish I had a fenced yard and another dog for Arlie to play with. I suppose you're right and I shouldn't have done so much today but I've been waiting for nice weather for so long! Will take Ibuprofen tonight, even though I take my gin & golden raisins religiously. (helps inflammation)

Pollara, Having endured much grief/loss in my life, I can honestly tell you that sometimes there is nothing a person can say but the greatest gift one can give is just to be there and to listen and care. You have given him those gifts.

Plum, I hope you don't lose your dog soon. My granddoggy hasn't long to live and I am so close to him, he used to live with me as between the time my son was in the Air Force and got married, he was here off and on and his dog with him. It is so hard losing our furry companions. Pollara, Thank you for sharing that guy's story. But I'm kind of astounded that he actually thought she'd still be lurking around? You have to wonder about their perspectives sometimes. It IS sad, and it's a lose-lose situation. Not really anyone's "fault", it just is what it is. Plum, I imagine it is hard planning your holiday now. Could you maybe take a girlfriend with you and just go have a good time? Yesterday morning I got rear-ended on my way to work. It was a stressful day, spent an hour waiting for the cop to get all of our information and release us, then later on another 1 3/4 hours going to the DMV to fill out a report (75 people in line ahead of me). Phone calls with insurance people. Now need to see the adjuster and schedule the repair work, such a hassle as I live in the country, far away from insurance adjusters and auto repairs. I tried to call Jim last night but no answer, haven't heard from him today. I've learned I can't count on him, but that's hard. Someone said earlier maybe he wanted me back but didn't think it possible...I don't think so. He hasn't indicated that and I think I left that opening for him...just not without requirements. If he loved me, he could have found his way back. I guess I know the answer to that. I think he's still mixed up and maybe doesn't know what he wants. You wondered if it's harder if it's the last parent left...yes it is. Jim's mom was his last parent...he hadn't been there when his dad died and always felt bad about that. He'd promised his mom she wouldn't have to go to a nursing home and he'd take care of her and he kept that promise, he quit his job to do so! Not having been there for his dad weighed in heavily with his decisions. Losing the remaining parent does leave one feeling cut adrift...

I know, huh?! (fur out the roof) Maybe Arlie's ride in the truck for hours tomorrow will help with that. A St. Bernard, huh? You DO know fur! A friend of mine had one 190 lbs. When he sat on the couch, he took up the whole thing! But he was just a big giant lovable baby! I'm feeling fine except now my back is wore out from yard work.

Arlie absolutely adores my neighbor above anyone else in the world, I actually feel a tad bit jealous sometimes...I think when he saw the neighbor at the door and then he left without seeing him, it upset him. He'll be over it, my neighbor is going with me to my son's as I don't want to do the driving so I said if he drove, I'd buy the gas. Arlie will have a great time in the back of the truck and then he'll get to go to the dog park at my son's. It'll be "Arlie's big adventure" tomorrow! Yep he's shedding right now and does not like me brushing him but every now and then I have to corner him and brush him. With that thick long coat he needs it. It must be a huge adjustment to dogs, getting this warm weather all of a sudden! I've found that a damp washcloth gets the fur off the cloth upholstery way better than my vacuum cleaner does...I always vacuum and then take a damp cloth to it.

Kristen, Honey, no one here will judge you and no one here is ignoring you...I have been working outside all day since it was finally beautiful and just came in and am catching up. I want to thank you for trusting us enough to share you and Marcus' story. I spent 23 years in a love-less marriage so I of all people understand. I mean I loved my husband in a caring sort of way, we were a family, he was my kids' dad, but we were never "in love" with each other. On the other hand, when I met George, we just clicked, sometimes it just is that way with each other. I count myself lucky for having gotten him in my life the short time I did. I know you feel that way too. I highly recommend you getting counseling to help you sort out your feelings and forgive yourself for the spat you had...that's all it was you know, and we all have had them. It didn't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme of things except it's left you feeling upset with yourself. You aren't responsible for his death, you do know that, don't you? You never would have hurt him and wanted to spend your life with him...and you know what? He's forgiven you and hopes you'll forgive him...there, it's done. Seriously, George and I had some major stuff we were going through when he died, and it did take me a while to process it but I did, and it's okay...and had he lived, I know we would have been okay because he'd overcome a whole lot more in his life and we loved each other more than life itself! You just have to have faith that all would have been well and death...well it just happens to us, randomly, I think, I don't think there's some big Heavy up in the sky saying, "you, you're done" "you, you stay here a while longer", no, I think people try to analyze too much (and me the biggest analyzer of all!) and I think stuff just happens. Some have it made, some have it hard, some live long lives, some live short lives, there seems to be no rhyme or reason, life/death just happens. Sweetie, we're here for you and I'd love to read the rest of your story, I'm interested, I care. If we don't respond immediately, it's not cuz we don't care, it's cuz we haven't read it yet, we'll get there though. I am just sorry you lost the love of your life. You have a million memories with Marcus and neither death nor time can ever negate them. Hold them dear in your heart and let them help carry you through the storms...that is what I have done with my beloved George and all of the rest here have too.

Hurrah! I am so glad you have your house back! Now you can relax for a bit tonight and Bentley too. I spent this morning picking up limbs in the yard and cleaning out the car (a lot of fur removal, not easy). A friend invited me to lunch and we spent three hours talking over lunch! I was afraid the restaurant would charge us overtime! so many things on my to do list today and got most of them done. Tomorrow I go to my son's house.

Your schedule makes me want to go lay down, Mary! Arlie gave me a scare today...my neighbor stopped by while I was in the shower so I ignored Arlie's barking, and when I got dressed I went into the living area and no Arlie! I called him, started searching for him, wondered if the neighbor had opened the door to see if I was here and if Arlie had escaped...then I found him, he was hiding behind the couch, not answering me, no idea why! He had me so worried!

Oh Jan, you have hugs! (((Jan))) My heart is with you today on this anv. of Pete's death. I know those days to be among the hardest in a journey we didn't ask to travel. The only good thing about loss are the people here that share in it with us and the things we've learned as a result of having traversed this. When we are down it gives others the opportunity to pick us up, so I hope today you will find someone who does just that...someone whose kindness makes a real difference to you.

I think the only stiff neck I have is from the stress! I'm confused about whose ins. is going to pay, one in the middle or back one. One in middle was fishtailing before I was struck so I think both of them were out of control...back one hit guardrail and went sideways before striking middle vehicle. It's a miracle it wasn't a ten car pileup, there was heavy traffic and everything was going nuts back there! I was just trying to mind my own business and slowing to a stop...I could have stopped abruptly but then I would have been rammed harder, so I pulled to the left as much as possible (I was in left lane) and kept traveling, slowly and didn't stop until after he hit me. There wasn't room for me to totally avoid him. Both behind me were going too fast and I don't think they were paying attention to what was going on and that's why they were taken by surprise.

Thanks you guys, I asked them if they were hurt and they both said no. My impact wasn't that hard hitting, just did damage to my poor little car, I'm thinking of putting a bandaid on it tonight. The impact was to my rear passenger side so as far away from me as could get. I'll have to have my wheel alignment looked at now. Been dealing with police/DMV reports, insurance people, etc. all day. Adjusters haven't contacted me yet. Mary, I can't imagine going through this right after your husband died, not able to handle any thing at that point! Poor lady! What's a DC?

Great advice! That's what I did, basically. Mixed messages...no can do. Maybe they can't help it but I can't deal with that indefinitely either. We're at a good place now, just "friends" and I use the term loosely, I don't count on him for anything, I just enjoy his company when he's there.

Ha ha, my last three were younger than me. My dog is one in the picture but five now, got a tail that curls up, looks like a giant fox, 117 lbs. I love him to death! No man that doesn't like my dog can get close to me! You are right...this is the most complicated situation to be in...if they were cheating on us we could say, "Crumbums!" and be on our way, but we feel like we need to be understanding because this is due to grief...however, no one can stay in limbo indefinitely!

Helena, You are so right. But my late husband idolized me, he saw me as superwoman and adored me! There's hope for all of you, there's someone for everyone, I truly believe that and I'm glad I got him for the time I did.

Helena, You couldn't have been expected to have known...all of us tried to be supportive. I made the "demand" on Jim that he see me for an hour a week while he was taking care of his mom...something I didn't think was unreasonable. By my way of thinking, she wasn't diagnosed with cancer or anything, and it could have gone on for years like that...my experience with my own MIL was she was bedridden and dying of cancer nearly three years while I took care of her! You can't do a relationship with no contact for that long! But he refused, hung up on me and a few days later I got my "dear John" letter with my cell phone by Fed Ex at my office! That was it. I didn't realize at the time that he would view that as a demand, or that it would send him over the edge. I still think I was right, that a relationship cannot go on indefinitely with NO time spent together. And I knew his family would not come through for him, I knew his daughters would not take turns with him. If I'd known his mom would only live three months, I could have waited, hard as it was, but it still probably would have ended up the same because grieving goes on and on and he was barely surviving/existing, up to his ears in dealing with the estate, family drama, etc. I honestly don't see a way this could have had a different outcome. And that's too bad. He was someone I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with. At this age, there aren't that many guys that appeal to me. Most of them at 50 look 67. A lot of them are couch potatoes. Most of them only care about their kids, not "a woman" in their life. The pickings are slim. To find someone handsome with a great sense of humor, comfortable to be around, smart, good with your kids, interesting, challenging, compatible beliefs, well that's just plain hard to find. Ahh well, my dog is looking better by the minute! Here's a picture of him, BTW!

I have no more advice to offer, just I am sorry there's others going through the same thing I went through. Everyone's situation is unique but also similarities. Jim told me he planned on spending the rest of his life with me and then just two weeks later...gone. He is someone who is honest and caring, not a heel, not someone to blatantly disregard someone's feelings...I truly think it was the grief and lack of sleep that sent him over the edge...he couldn't do the emotions he was going through AND a relationship. Knowing that doesn't mean, however, I didn't feel hurt and angry. It also doesn't mean I want more of the same. Unless we could talk about what happened and why and there were assurances it would never happen again, I could not trust him enough to give my heart to him again. What you guys are going through, that's what I went through. I spent months crying myself to sleep. Bewildered. Confused. Hurt. I don't get it because this is not how I respond. Someone said unless we've been there, we can't know how we'd respond. Well I have been there. I lost my dad, my dear sweet MIL, my nephew, my niece, grandparents, and the toughest one...my sweet husband. Losing my husband affected my life on every level, and yet you know what? I never cut anyone out of my life over it! The opposite happened, my friends disappeared on me. They couldn't handle grief and they ran. That's happened to some here in this section too. Sometimes it's not the griever that does the disappearing act, sometimes it's THEIR SO or friends!

There's a lot of people that just can't cope.

He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants at this point, which isn't unusual.

My positive is that I didn't get hurt in the accident that I had on the way to work. I got rear-ended by a Land Rover who got struck by a Toyota PU. I was stopping for traffic ahead that was stopping on the Hwy for some unknown reason and looked in my rear view mirror and saw the LR fishtailing, I thought, "Oh oh, he's going to hit me." The the truck hit him and he in turn hit me. But no one was hurt and it took 2 hrs 45 min. out of my work time to wait on the cop and go to the DMV to fill out reports. Ugh. Now to deal with insurance adjusters...

I don't even know what it is but I guess if I've lived 60 years w/o it, I can survive in ignorant bliss!