kayc

My son wrote back and said my daughter's car had a little vacuum leak, so yes he replaced a hose, I knew it was something cheap and easy for all the problems it had caused her! It has to be hard to not be able to reach him by phone when you're an hour away and still sick yourself. At least you know he's getting good care and thank God it isn't all on you right now with all he has going on with his body. Keep trying to rest...

Deborah, I know Marty posted some links about guilt on the pet section, but I am at a loss to help you, I wish I could. I don't feel guilt over George's being dead...I didn't cause it, all I ever did was love him and show him I did. I KNOW he would want me to be happy...however, achieving that proves to be way more of a challenge than one can imagine, esp. with all of the things that have taken place since he died. Just SURVIVING is a challenge! I will always miss him and nothing will be even remotely the same without him. I can't wait to be with him again and I fear the "in between" time I have to do. But I try, I keep trying, I don't know what else to do.

My daughter's car did that years ago, I texted my son and will see what he says, it might save some looking (my son is a mechanical engineering student and has always worked on cars but he doesn't live nearby). I'm glad your BIL will be able to help you. Are you over the flu yet?

Oh Shannon, I continue to hold you and Leo in my prayers. It's easy to wonder why so much is happening at once when it comes like this, yet I know there is no resounding answer, only that it does. I pray God gives you strength and wisdom through today...remember, one day at a time is enough for your full plate! Your bank should remove the fraudulent visa charges. It's odd they put them through with them being out of character with your normal charges. You'd think they would have contacted you to find out if they were legitimate. And I pray the car gets you around and hopefully holds out until you get your new visa card. Is there any way the bank could give you the visa number and exp. date w/o having to wait for it to arrive in the mail if you do need to use it for a car repair? Is there anyone who could look at the car for you? My daughter's car had this happen years ago and my son found it and fixed it, I'll write and ask him what it was because I don't remember. It was something relatively simple and inexpensive, maybe a hose or something? Hang in there!

I know, I've often wondered WHY George had to go and die the one weekend a year I was away! I mean,l we ALWAYS spent ALL of our free time together, and wouldn't you know the second I'm gone he has a heart attack! I wish to God he would have let the doctor call me as I had my cell phone and wasn't yet out of town, I could have been with him that weekend, through all that he went through. Instead, as soon as I get back he up and dies, without even getting to have the "last conversation" I wanted to have. But none of this was foreseeable to me, and I spent my life, after making his acquaintance, loving him and being there for him, so I only hope he knew that last weekend what he meant to me...how could he not?

I am so sorry you lost your cat. They do develop a huge place in our hearts and when they die we find a hole there instead. I wish you comfort and peace...it sounds like you knew your cat was going to die and granted him permission so he could be at rest.

No, I wouldn't say insane, it sounds like you have a connection with her on a spirit level, that is so special! I think it's because you are aware and open, most of us are to repressed and closed to have stuff like that happen to us.

Katpilot, I think it's sweet that you keep flowers in the house because of her. Those little things we do become a loving tribute to them.

Fae, A widow friend of mine has dated a lot the last few years only she doesn't call it dating...she tells them up front she doesn't want to date but does welcome friends to do things with. They treat her like a queen. She has had some that have tried for more and she reminds them she doesn't want more and if they persist, she cuts them off. I too have seen a couple of people as friends only but I have found that most men, while they agree to what you tell them up front, they STILL hope to change your mind and eventually, when you're tired of fending them off, you have to end the friendship. I don't know why people go into something hoping to change someone or change their mind, but they do. It's too bad, really, because I do get lonely and most of the women I know are busy...guys will MAKE the time for you...but this is why. I don't have time to join clubs, etc. and live too far away from everything so I spend too much time alone, it's one of the tradeoffs of living in the country, but I'd rather be alone than live in the city.

I did wish I'd pushed him to see another doctor but I don't really feel guilty about it...at the time I felt he was a grown man in charge of his own life and I still feel that way, he wasn't a little boy that I was responsible for, he was perfectly capable of making decisions for himself. I still wish he'd seen another doctor who would have sent him for tests but I don't feel the onus is on me for that...I DO feel it is on his doctor for not pursuing his symptoms and complaints. I could swear here!

Oh Harry, you make me cry! I love your poem! Your writing is exquisite! And I love that you built her a snowman! Maybe I should do that for George, I'm supposed to get some this weekend. I remember the first snow after we got married...this man had so much zest for life, so much personality, he went down in the yard and made a snow angel! I loved it! Of course, I had to join in!

They're smart...too bad they don't apply it on something useful!

(((LisaAnnB)))

Mary, What you and Bill and Cathy and Larry all shared was very special. George and I had a couple friend like that, but they pulled back after he died...they haven't asked me over once since...some just cannot continue once something changes the dynamics. It is good that you and Cathy can still share, the laughter and the tears...

Thank you, Mary, for your extrapolation of this piece, it helped me understand what she meant to convey. I felt it was deep and did not want to miss the intent of her meaning.

I've never felt guilty for living while he died...if anything, I feel envious, yet I wouldn't want it the other way. It's intolerable for me to think of him having to go through this, I am glad he was spared that.

Harry, I didn't realize that either...you suffered two huge losses within the span of a year, that's a lot to deal with. It does seem once you get in your late 50s that you see more losses, friends and family both.

I think there needs to be stiffer penalties for hackers, maybe the death penalty? Kidding, but seriously, like maybe taking away their rights to have internet.

Mary, I'm not sure I understand that article. Is it something akin to accepting something vs. fighting it? Is that what she means by softening?

Oh Anne, This is cute! You've been on Pinterest! Thank you...I'll save the chocolate for tomorrow.

Why is it that every time something like this happens, we feel they're being removed farther and farther from us? This was his secondary account, I lost the primary one years ago when a hard drive crashed, so there wasn't anything important in there, but it's just the idea. This morning I discovered the account was hacked into by someone from India two days ago and I had reason to believe they were still in there so I deleted the account. I feel violated.

You say that time does not heal the pain...it has not been quite three years. It took me at least three years just to process my husband's death, and now at nearly eight years out, I am not over missing him, nor will I ever be. However, I have learned to live with it. Time has lessened the intensity of the pain. It may not feel like it when you're living your life, but when you look back and think back to the moment you first found out, you can see that you're not at that moment in time right now, it has eased a bit. We have gone to work, taken care of ourselves, made decisions, and somehow managed to live even with our loss. That first moment, that first day, that first week, we did not see how that was possible. There are holes in my heart where my husband's presence used to fill...I miss his holding me, our interaction, talking over our day, the joy of sharing life with him. Some of the roles he filled in our household I have learned to fill myself or let go of. The house isn't as well cared for, and I have to hire someone to fix the car. But somehow all these years later I am still here. Is it the same? Not by a long shot. I still struggle with purpose, joy, and the knowledge that life "before" will never be the same "after". I am hanging in there and look forward to the day we can be together again. But am I just waiting to die? No, I experience little joys along the way, things that bring me into the present. Last night I watched "Red Dog" (Redbox rental) and cried...a beautiful true story about a dog...and I enjoyed it. This morning I gave my dog a belly rub...and not only did he enjoy it, but I enjoyed it. This weekend I will see it snow again and will enjoy the beauty. Yesterday I had Spanish Rice that I fixed for lunch, and enjoyed it. These "joys" are small perhaps but they keep me living in the here and now and it would be a shame to live so much in the past or future that I couldn't enjoy what is in the present. That is the thing I strive to do to help me through this.

Lisa Ann, I'm going through the dementia thing too, with my mother. That in itself is a lot to deal with, without the added grief you are experiencing. It's no wonder you are feeling like you are! I think my mom's Dementia is one of the biggest stresses I've ever had to deal with, and I wasn't particularly close to her even! The fact is, a parent is a parent, good or bad, and it still hits hard when we go through the changes associated with losing one of them or seeing them no longer in their faculties. Thank you, Marty, for posting these helpful links! When George died, my doctor offered me antidepressants and I turned them down. In retrospect, I wish I had considered an aid to help me through this. My feeling was that it was situational and I thought it would be temporary in duration, thinking I could rebuild my life. However, George's death was permanent and I hadn't anticipated how difficult it would be to get used to the changes in my life wrought by his death. I still do not take antidepressants, but it could be that it might have helped me had I taken them temporarily. I would not want something that messed with my brain in a permanent fashion, however, as I think we need to look for other solutions to help us through this...counseling being one, time another. While I don't think time is a cure, it is certainly a big factor as it takes time to process everything and discover for ourselves what we are going to fill our lives with, what is our purpose going to become, what is our life going to look like. Time and understanding, the great gifts we can allot ourselves in dealing with our grief.

I find that so true, that to get out of yourself and think of others and make the day about them, it helps. My kids have their spouses and don't really need me to think of them on Valentine's Day any more, they're busy, but I do have widowed friends that could use a lift, and of course, my dog and cats always appreciate attention. Harry, you're so right, they aren't in things...the things serve as reminders though...remembering when we bought this and when this happened here, etc. For that reason, we attach meaning to things as our memories are important to us. Still, we know, if we need to part with those things, they are not the person, the person lives on inside of us.

Or as in my case, the wrong person will come along. I just want everyone to use extreme caution, esp. if you're under 2-3 years out, and not get someone else just because you're lonely or scared. It's important to ride it out until you reach the point where you are comfortable being alone and then and only then would you be ready to even make such decisions.