kayc

My mom doesn't sit still, never has, she is an extremely distraught anxious person. Oddly enough, no doctor has ever diagnosed her anxiety disorder...yet all of us kids are WELL aware of it! Mostly, doctors just want to get her out the door rather than being concerned about diagnosing and helping her...she is not a very pleasant person...and yet she has also been very good at putting on a good front when she feels she needs to (not around us kids but around professionals). It shows us she does have some degree of control and choice when she wants to use it. I feel my mom needs to be heard, the only meaningful gift I can give her is to listen. But if my brother disconnects her phone, it will cut off an avenue of support to her. I understand his reasons, I just feel sad by it. Ahh well, I guess even this too I must let go of. I can be there to visit her in good weather, but not in bad. Since she doesn't remember and has no sense of time, it is probably me that will feel the worst about it and not her.

Harry, What another blow, and yet how fortunate she was to have had 57 years together! I had only a fraction of that, and yet the rest of my life served to highlight the time I had with George as black velvet against a diamond! I'm sorry you have so much snow, that really is a lot for the roads. Perhaps you can have a "time of thought" to him as the service is taking place elsewhere.

My George was a gifted writer...his college professor always said he should write but he never did professionally, just privately. He was also a hopeless romantic. I had two 5" notebooks full of his letters but I got rid of them. My little sister didn't see how I could do that and I told her it was because they were intended for my eyes only, they were private, he told everything about his life in them, his thoughts, feelings, everything. I didn't want other eyes to see what was intended for me only, should I pass away. They are all imbedded in my heart and mind. I have questioned since if I did the right thing, but I think that I did. I did keep the cards and little notes that he left laying around here...he used to put post-it notes up in places for me to find...the utility room cupboard, my closet, the medicine cabinet, etc. He loved hiding them as surprises for me to find. I still have them up as I never removed any of them. Mary, thank you for sharing with us. Yours and Bill's relationship was and is very special...death cannot destroy it. We who are her on this site are the ones that have been so blessed to have had our soul mate and best friend to share in life with.

That is wonderful news, Fae!

My Jim was an artist (he can't paint any more because of Carpal Tunnel) and had his own business for many years. He graduated from Oregon College of Art, which went out of existence years ago when the owner died. He knows how to achieve the different colors using the primaries.

I hate sirens and seeing the flashing lights. It reminds me of the day my sister became a quadriplegic and my nephew was killed and my other sister received brain damage. Everything in my teenage life fell into two categories after that..."before" and "after". We came up upon the accident and saw the car and the baby's bed in the road amid glass (oddly enough, the four month old was fine, I guess they're more pliable). This was before car seats. There are a lot of craft places in the cities here...Michael's, Joann's, Ben Franklin, the U of O Art Supply Store. Most are nearby except the U of O one, I don't venture into Eugene much, try to stay in Springfield (less traffic, closer to my home). I have some metallic pots of a thick substance you can brush on something, but I wouldn't call it a paint. And I have Lumeire, which is thin and runny and kind of like paint but thinner. And I have a full supply of Pearl Ex, but it requires a substance to stick to, it's used a lot in stamping. it's pearly and some of it is metallic. It's always fun to get a new medium, it broadens the things you can do!

Trishia, I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard that must be. You don't mention if you have a husband to go through this journey with or not. I lost my husband nearly 8 years ago, and I wish my friends and church had stepped up to the plate a bit too but unfortunately, death is offputting to people and they avoid those with a loss just when the need them most. I've told myself I'm glad they don't understand because I wouldn't want them to go through what I have in order to understand. How old was your son? How sweet that he had bought you chocolates...it helps to see those things after they die. I found a list in my husband's wallet of things he wanted to buy for different people, some of those things I ran across and was able to get to them, it meant a lot to them, even though he was gone, that he'd been thinking of them. A bereavement counselor might help you as you go through this journey, and we are here too. Feel free to express yourself here, it helps to get it out. I am just so sorry.

I lost my husband but not a child...I've heard people say not to make major changes in the first year because when you're so newly grieving, you aren't in your right state of mind (I know I wasn't), but for something like this, I can sure understand and think whatever you do to make life more palatable, you should. Are you and your wife seeing a bereavement counselor? If not, it could be of tremendous help. It's hard saying if you'd regret moving, but you'd have to remember that you did what was in your best interest at the time...unfortunately we can't hit an "undo" button once it's done. Anyone else have ideas on this?

Shannon, you must be on the east side then. I'm glad you're getting everything you need today and will be all prepared. I always worry during storms about those on oxygen, we get so many power outages here. I hope you can rest and just enjoy being holed up together!

fae, It sounds as though you were as blessed as I was when it came to mom-in-laws! I hope your necklace brings you much comfort.

Mary, I hope you enjoy spending your gift cert., a trip to the art store is always fun!

My mom's house is nearly sold, they just have an inspection to do before it can finalize. My brother is considering disconnecting her phone because she calls incessantly and it's the same old stuff, around and around. I hate to see her cut off without a phone though, I think that really will make her feel trapped. I told him to answer at his discretion and take the phone off the hook at night. I wish there was a way to block her at night only because we all have young adult children and don't want to be unavailable should they need us. Even as nasty as she is, I still care about her. Funny, all she ever did was the regimental things (cooking, cleaning, etc.), she didn't attend any of our events (solos, sports, awards, etc.). She didn't encourage us or offer us any advice. She didn't take care of me when my daughter was born. I can't even write the things we went through growing up with her or some of the things since. But now she's just a pitiful old woman, very tiny and fragile looking. She's someone who never had peace in her life, always intense, full of anxiety and stress...and she creates most of it herself. She never wanted for money, never had to hold down a job, always had someone to take care of her and meet her needs. It's odd that she's actually had it good and never realized or appreciated it. Her own worst enemy. So how do I "be there for her"? How can I help her? Even visiting doesn't seem to help her any more. Sometimes I think all she wants is someone to listen and that's the hardest thing to give in her state of mind. Ahh well, sometimes the dearest gift we can give is the hardest...

Harry, I am glad you made it through the funeral. Yes it is good that it is not in our power. It would be a struggle not to bring them back and I know they are at peace now and no longer having to contend with pain and suffering and just the struggles of life. The plant that George worked for (Country Coach) has since closed and jobs have dried up. So many times I have been glad that he is not here to see the price of gas (he loved to drive) or his job go down, the price of groceries (he loved to eat), and just the whole way the country is headed. I am glad he missed all of that, not to mention the condition his body was in and how it would have limited his life and activities. He loved being the man and taking care of me, and some of that would have had to come to a standstill...he wouldn't have liked being disabled in the least! So for those reasons I am glad he is spared now...but it means me living my life without him and that is tough.

Amen to that, Anne! I reach inside for George whenever I need him. Sometimes I imagine him holding me, I think that's what I miss the most although I miss talking things over with him. I swear, year by year I miss him more, not less. It doesn't fade. There just is no one like him. I have also enjoyed the thread on meditation...I don't post on it because I don't know much about it so have nothing to add, but I have been exploring it lately. I was amazed at the article that says how many thoughts our minds have, how busy our mind is! We fill it with needless worries and fears and regrets and really get our anxiety worked up. How great it is for us to still ourselves and let everything go and just experience peace and quiet. It's also so good to laugh...it's great to watch a comedy and laugh until you cry! We were talking about Office Space at work yesterday because my boss said "That would be great" and it sounded so much like the boss in the movie, and I laughed until I hurt!

I am sorry I didn't see this sooner, I can't believe it's been this many months before I saw it. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandpa many years ago and still miss him. Your life may feel over, but it isn't...it's just over in the way you knew it. It will take you time to make your way through the grieving process and learn your new normal. I hope you develop some other relationships that help fill the deep void your grandparents have left. For myself, I still haven't filled the void my husband left, the joy is not there in the way that it once was, but I have learned to live with what is and look for joy, however minute, in any form. My circumstances may not be as they once were, but I try to make my focus about enjoying whatever is in this present moment. I hope that for you too, in time. I wish you much peace.

Shannon, How are you doing? And Leo?

If ever I end up in a city I would like to volunteer at an animal shelter, it would be very rewarding. Anne, your Benji sounds adventuresome! Arlie has taken the screen out too, just popped frame and all right out! I can't leave the screen door shut and patio door open because he knows how to pop it out...I have to close the patio door to about five inches and put a metal rod in the track so he can't open it further...I don't get as much breeze that way but at least some. When I tried a wooden rod in the track, he took it out and chewed it up and then escaped! He challenges my old noggin sometimes!

feralae, Somehow when it comes out of you, it doesn't sound like sadness, but more like gratefulness. I felt that way about my MIL too (my kids' dad's mom) and my FIL, they were very special and I was blessed to have had them. It's hard losing such special people and life changing, but that is part of life...always changing, never constant. I'm glad you got your necklace to remember some special people/times with. And your time with Doug, that sounds very special too. I wish I could have had that with George...I thought we'd get it that last day, I didn't think he'd die so soon, but it happens how it does.

I agree. I don't know if my kids will be there for me or not but they're very busy with their lives now so if that's any indication, I'm in trouble.

Queenmary, Your story about your Corgis reminded me of when I had Lucky...she was very smart and trained (by her former owner, not me). She knew how to open the screen door but that wasn't a problem (other than flies) because she wouldn't leave the property. Skye (my son's Husky), on the other hand, if he had a chance, he'd take off and keep going until he was arrested in the next county! He couldn't open the screen door, but quickly surmised that LUCKY could. I literally saw him go up to Lucky one day, tell her something in doggy talk, and she promptly trotted over to the door and opened it wide and let him out...he took off with a brisk pace! Sometimes they do work in cahoots with each other...

Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with us, I'm sure as painful as it is, it was quite hard. I too am a dog and cat lover, I have one dog and two cats, and since my husband died 7 1/2 years ago and the kids are married, my animals ARE my family. I would think if it was something they all got that it would be viral, but I don't know...otherwise wouldn't it be highly coincidental that they all got sick at once? It sounds like something contagious that got passed around. It could be that Lucky's constitution just wasn't strong enough to fight it, who knows. Why do some cats die at 7 and others live to be 20? Who knows. Yes his life was cut short in numbers, but it sounds like he must have had quality of life in your household, with parents and siblings that loved him. I know you will miss him, all of the things that made him him. Please try to be more understanding of yourself...money may not be the only concern, but it is certainly a very valid one. When I was laid off work (I'm still just back to part time) my cat got sick and I remember that struggle, taking her to the vet, it can be very expensive and they don't go by what you can afford! We make our choices based on the information we have at the time, and there's no way you could could have anticipated Lucky dying. I am so sorry you are feeling all of this on your shoulders, when you're going through enough, just missing him. I hope the pain starts to lessen...you have the marker at his grave, and you can wish good thoughts for him whenever you see it. Bless you, and your husband, for providing such a loving home to so many.

feralfae, I think it's pretty common to not have the same focus as before, to have a hard time with thinking, I know I did. I also remember not wanting to change the sheets the first month and when I finally HAD to, I cried. My daughter came home with me at first and slept with me, but after a couple of weeks she was back to seeing her friends, getting work, etc. I had to go in and do payroll after a week and was fully back to work in two weeks, but it was hard and I found myself making mistakes...not like me. I still don't sleep in our bed, I choose instead to use the recliner. The bed just seems so lonely, like it emphasizes that he's missing. I'd rather be in the living room with the animals around me. I hope you take time to rest and get over this flu...I know it's a hard time of year, esp. with a business and taxes, but they can file an extension that will give you more time. You aren't the "yourself" that you were "before"...losing your spouse creates changes and it does take time and a process to learn our new normal. We evolve through this journey into who we become. I don't want you to feel there is no one to share your life with, I know it's not the same as having Doug there, but we are here. I guess that's why we share about having the flu and our dogs antics...it may not have a lot to do with grief, but in a way, grief affects every aspect of our lives...and none of us have someone at home sharing in these things with us, asking about our day, bringing us a cup of tea, so we share things here more than other people in other forums might of their personal lives. These people here are like a family and there's always room for more! Yes some of the people here are quite accomplished, I am amazed by Harry and Mary and I shouldn't say their names because that infers leaving someone out, and really, all of these people here are quite amazing...me, I am more simple, I like the quiet country life. I accomplished much when I was young...now, I am just trying to find some purpose or something to look forward to. Meanwhile, I just enjoy each day as it comes, my animals, the beauty of the country, friends, what there is. I don't take anything for granted, that's one thing death does for you. I can't say as I feel like a "half" anymore, but I do feel very alone. I guess that's because I am! You can share here as much as you want...sometimes I feel like a blabbermouth, but I figure someone can always ignore me if they so choose!

I clean Arlie's Kong out with a bottle brush and hot water, and wipe it with paper toweling inside, it seems to do the trick. Of course, I don't know why we worry about hygiene when we see the other stuff they get into, ha! I hadn't thought of putting stuff inside and freezing.

I want to add that I felt guilty because I was gone when George went into the hospital with his heart attack. He deliberately kept it from me because he didn't want me to miss my sister's reunion (I went to it once a year). But I felt guilty that I wasn't there for him sooner, it took me a while to get a ride to the hospital as I didn't have my car with me when I finally got the news. I probably won't ever feel any better about how things transpired, but I do know, there is nothing I wouldn't have done for him and he meant the world to me and I wish he was still here with me. You aren't alone in your feelings but I do hope they get better for you.

No, I don't think he's trying to tell you that, I think it's YOUR feelings that are coming out in the dream. I'm sorry, it's hard having a dream of them and then waking up. Try to let go of it and not attach too much meaning to it...you were good to him and he knows that.