kayc

I need another "like" button here!

It seems more peaceful that way...self acceptance.

I hope this time is very special for the two of you. Do not be afraid for her, the passing is easier for them than it is for us. When George died, I begged him to hold on and he shook his head no...twice. I don't think they're afraid.

I love Fiddler on the Roof! Thanks for sharing!

I definitely don't have a green thumb but I plant flowers all along the back of my deck (over 30' long), in hanging pots. I should try some potted herbs as well! I tried keeping up George's vegetables after he died but they died...I figure it was a tribute to him.

So young to be going through so much. I hope you sleep well and tomorrow brings improvement to both of you. Goodnight!

George and I loved hummingbirds, we always had feeders out. Will have to wait awhile for them to come back, but I love watching them on the deck. You're lucky to live in Phoenix, beautiful weather.

Of course no one will ever take her place, she is indelibly etched in your heart. I'm so sorry, it's so hard to lose them, they are the best companions. None of us knows how long we get to have them in our lives and we cherish each minute with them. She is so precious looking. Maybe you could think of something you could do to memorialize her? Do you have a place to bury her or could you have her cremated? I'm just so sorry, I know it's really hard. (((hugs)))

Shannon, You haven't failed anybody, you are a very caring giving person. We can't be faulted for what is beyond our ability, and right now you need to get YOU well! As for your mom, well, you were a child...if it was your child, would you fault her? Of course not! How is Leo today?

I guess a person could make the pictures "public" before memorializing so friends that weren't "FB friends" could view them, but if you do that, it's public forever so I'm not sure I'd want to. You can download them beforehand though.

You and me both, Anne...but I'm afraid I have to wait awhile...it's snowing tonight and tomorrow and off and on this week.

Cindy, that's hard. I'm glad you made it through the one month mark. These markers can be tough to get through sometimes, it'll get better eventually. (((hugs)))

Cy, I am so sorry. Facing your dearest loved one's impending death is surely the hardest day one can have...only topped by "the day" itself. My husband died of heart trouble and we didn't know until that fatal weekend he even had a heart condition...when we got the results of the test though, we knew it was inevitable, he had already suffered a major heart attack that had severely damaged his heart and it was amazing he'd lived as long as he had. I will say this...when I learned he died, it was the most devastating news I'd ever received and my world was shattered...but I am here nearly eight years later and have somehow lived with the help of the people here on this site. This is the most amazing site full of the most wonderful caring people I've ever come across, and each of us will be there for you if you should so desire. I'm not sure what the worker meant by you should not be there? One thing that has really helped me is to try and stay in the moment and not take on "the rest of my life" which can be overwhelming...this moment has enough challenges of its own. When my grandma had a major stroke that left her unable to communicate and in a vegetative state, my grandpa drove to the nursing home just a couple miles from their home, every day. He held her hand, he stroked her hair, he read her cards and letters from the grandkids and told her about his day, never knowing if she heard or not because she couldn't respond. That is love...it sounds like the kind of love you have had. I'm sure your presence is comfort to her.

An article in our local newspaper and in newspapers across the nation tell of an Oregon woman's fight to access her deceased son's Facebook account. This is an article worth reading as it tells of the legal challenges we're facing. It seems "don't ask, don't tell" may be the most strategic method...just saying. http://www.registerguard.com/web/news/sevendays/29518995-47/digital-facebook-access-law-williams.html.csp

Having your loved one cared for in a facility is not giving up on them...it's wanting the best care possible for them, ensuring their safety, and considering your limitations and needs realistically. Each situation is different. I know if my George were in this situation, I would naturally want to be with him and taking care of him...but I also know there might come a day I might not be able to meet the needed requirements...he was a big man and very strong and I'm little. Also, if you have a good support system and people to spell you it can make a difference...I'm afraid it's pretty impossible without that. I'm glad you are going to try to get your own health under control before such an undertaking. His needs to be under control too before coming home. Dementia in itself is one thing, but throw in the mix things like strokes or COPD, Pneumonia, anything like that, and it's too much for one person to handle alone. I hope today is a day of rest for you and those medicines do their job.

Just don't be quick to pay it. I was in a fog when George died and I wish I'd consulted an attorney about it, but in Oregon you are not responsible for your spouse's debts...something I wasn't aware of. Make sure you ARE responsible before agreeing to pay for ANYTHING!

bjb, Welcome...I am sorry for your loss, both your husband and your sister, that is a lot. I hope you'll start a thread and tell us a little more about yourself and your husband. You have plenty of company here, we've all lost our spouses, here in this section of the forum. You say you can't go to church any more, do you want to explain further? It was hard for me to go at first because I am on the Morning Worship Team and am used to looking out over the congregation and seeing my biggest fan (husband) sitting there smiling at me...and it was hard to see the empty spot and then even worse to see someone else sitting in his spot. I have finally gotten used to it though, it's been almost eight years. My husband had just had his 51st birthday when he died, and it was unexpected. We look forward to getting to know you and hope you will continue on this journey with us.

Jan, I hope you enjoy your stay. I can't wait to have grandchildren! (My son says a couple more years...we'll see).

Love = risk, but life would be pretty flat without it. I think one of the things I've derived from my loss is trying to live in the present so as to not rob myself of the moment, which will be gone to never be recaptured, and to make the most of each moment, to enjoy it fully. That doesn't mean I don't grieve, I do, but I try to enjoy what I can...all of that can be a difficult concept for someone freshly grieving though. You ask if you're doing too much...that's hard to answer. I found it helped me to keep busy but at the same time, you do need to take time to grieve. It'll all sort itself out though, given time. Yes, you may miss being in the home you shared with your husband, but it sounds like there will be less requirements in an apt. and with an added bonus of nearby dog park, that's great! 40 1/2 years with someone...how very special! Your idea with the urn and photo is a great idea. I have some special things up in my place to honor my husband as well. I am sorry you are going through this...no matter how many times we encounter it, it hits afresh when we meet yet another person experiencing the hardest thing in the world. I hope this site will be a comfort and encouragement to you, and if nothing else, you will know you are not alone as you go through this journey.

Ahh we need a "like button"!

I totally realize that...when we were at church or somewhere, people would stare at us...it's as if our love was so apparent, so special, that it was noticeable. Women read romance novels because they long for what we had and they don't have it themselves.

Hilary, I'm sorry for your loss. You were wise to make a "temporary move", making it possible to change your mind, and I'm glad it has worked out for you in the long run.

Shannon, My mom is a Dementia patient. I'd advise you to read, read, read up on it! The more you learn the easier it is to know how to deal with it. It takes a great deal of patience and compassion. It helps to understand their limitations. For instance, my mom no longer has the ability to reason, has no common sense, can't learn, and what she did know is going...it helps me to understand that because it makes a difference in how I respond to her. I can no longer respond to her like I might someone else. I've learned not to argue with her. I listen to her, try to reassure her and let her repeat herself. They can get going in loops. They can't help it. I think how frightening it must be for them at times, so I try to do what I can to put her at ease. She imagines things and thinks negatively; since I can't refute what she says, I try to reassure and listen to her. It's tough. It helps to have someone else care for them when they get too far gone, 24 hour care is impossible as you exhaust yourself...you can't be awake 24/7 to make sure they don't burn the place down, etc. If you have someone to spell you, that helps. I have to work outside the home and our family decided it in my mom's best interest to have her in a Dementia Care Facility...in part because she won't listen to any of us and she was unsafe. She has to listen to them, it's a lock down unit. She would wander the streets, call 911, etc. yet balk whenever we tried to help her. She knows me some of the time but not all of the time. It comes and goes (her mind). She has good days and bad days. The bad days are tough. The good days we appreciate. Please talk to his doctor at length about this, and also there are support groups, Alz. foundation, etc.

Oh the Tetons, I am jealous! They are so beautiful! Years ago I had a print of them custom framed and matted for a friend who loved the Tetons. What a wonderful memory you must have!

Eve, Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Words are not adequate to express what we all feel here for you, for we've been there. The hospital George was in did not waive their bill, they harassed me and were going to charge high interest on it, so that I remortgaged my previously paid off house to cover it. A few years later my girlfriend lost her husband and she just refused to pay the hospital and they paid it off. I was flabbergasted! To think that I'm in financial hardship in part due to this NEEDLESSLY?! I'm glad the hospital waived the bill for you. Yes our country is truly messed up. I hope you will continue to come here, it's been a valuable support to us.