kayc

So true! It helps to feel heard.

Ann, That is really tough. My brother is 15 years younger than me too so I know what you mean, I took care of him a lot when he was a baby and toddler.

Thanks, Mary. Shannon, how are you doing today? I hope you had a good rest last night. Any news about your husband?

Valentine's Day is tough no matter how many years have gone by. I try to avoid Hallmark commercials and chocolate stands. Everywhere I go I see couples, they seem to come out of the woodwork this time of year. I passed up the church's Valentine Banquet. I will make this day about my dog (it's his birthday) and try to ignore the rest. I watched "The Last Valentine", it was a really good movie, about a widow. VERY touching. I think it helps to make the day about others...before Arlie I went out of my way to make my kids' day special but now they are both married and don't really need me. If there's someone else alone that you know of, maybe try to make their day special...it helps to get out of ourselves and focus on someone or something else.

torn8o, I hope I'm one of their caretakers when we get to where we're going. I love animals. I had a dog named Lucky and a cat Miss Mocha...Miss Mocha adored Lucky. She'd follow her around the yard and do whatever she did, it was so funny, like Pied Piper or something. When Lucky died, we buried her in our back yard. I was really worried about how Miss Mocha would take it because she truly adored her, but she seemed to handle it okay. I did catch her down in the yard sniffing and peeing on her grave...I kind of wondered if she was "marking" her as hers. My Lucky grieved terribly when my husband died, acting out, chewing up things, and normally she was very well behaved, so if you see any signs of that going on, understand it is their way of getting their feelings out. I hope the days continue to get a little better for you, I know how hard it is...I've lost too many.

Please let your doctor know you are grieving as opposed to depression, it can make a difference in what he prescribes. I think it's therapeutic to talk about our loved one rather than pretending it didn't happen and everything's "fine". People don't seem to understand it actually HELPS us to talk about them rather than pretend they never existed. We want to know that others remember and value them too.

I didn't see this either...I'm glad you have your car dug out now! It's not a good position to be in when you're sick! I hope you continue getting better and I'm glad your BIL got your Rx to you. I don't know of any way to hurry the flu along, just drink plenty of fluids so you don't get dehydrated and rest a lot, that's all I know to do. This must feel like a really hard time to you, but remember it's temporary, it'll pass. Hang in there!

In the beginning a day is too much to take on, you're right, a minute is easier to handle. Have you tried writing letters to your dad? I did that with my husband, still do sometimes. I also released balloons to him, some people light candles, whatever brings any comfort to you. Who knows but what they can hear us? There's so much we don't know about the spirit world...

It's getting better every day, Mary, thanks! There was a big knot in my back, I could see it but it's beyond my reach...a massage probably would have helped.

I'm sorry you're hurting...that's how I felt when my husband died. Grief can make us feel very alone, even surrounded by people. Hang in there, it does take time to get used to your new life but it won't always feel this intense.

I think mine is just pulled muscle. My sister was worried it might be a disc but it's not that area, it's closer to the shoulder blade and it's improving every day with the help of Ibuprofen on a regular basis and heat & ice alternately. I took it easy yesterday, didn't go to church, just relaxed except for my walks with Arlie. Do you know how hard it is to relax? I know Mary does!

I'm just taking it easy today. I vacuumed yesterday and probably shouldn't have so today I'm being good.

Deborah, That's how George was. I look around and I see things he bought for me, notes he wrote me, they're everywhere. He knew I loved leaves and dragonflies so if he saw them, anywhere, he'd buy them for me, jewelry, art, a rubber stamp, anything he knew I'd love. He lived for me, and I for him. I am lucky that my sisters and grown kids knew how much we loved each other. No one, though, absolutely no one can begin to understand the huge empty hole they leave, unless they've been through it too. My grief counselor definitely didn't get it, he started talking about how if his wife died, he'd take off his ring and move on, this was when it was still very fresh, the first month. I don't think he should have been in practice.

Well to be honest, what I read when I looked up the instructions was: 1) Purchase a new ballast for that type of fixture 2) Blah blah blah blah 3) Blah blah blah blah 4) Blah blah blah blah 5) Blah blah blah blah 6) Blah blah blah blah 7) Blah blah blah blah 8) Blah blah blah blah 9) Blah blah blah blah 10) Blah blah blah blah. 11) Blah blah blah blah 12) Blah blah blah blah 13) Blah blah blah blah 14) Blah blah blah blah 15) Replace the safety cover 16) Install the tubes and plexi-glass cover And I figured I could do all of that!

Oh Anne, you aren't a bad parent! If you only knew how many times Arlie had escaped and Skye too! They are escape artists! I think we finally have it down...how many trips to the hardware store I had to make in order to find something strong enough to hold Skye. Just about the time we had it figured out he became crippled and can no longer get anywhere if he does get loose. Now my son has Mozzy and the challenge begins again! She can jump high fences, pull anything down, burrow under anything, break anything, and you can't leave her alone in the house because the last time they did (for five minutes, just FIVE MINUTES!) she ate a huge hole in the middle of their leather couch. Dogs can be a challenge!

We all hope you're having a good day, Marty, spent with those you love doing what you love best! Happy Birthday!

I need a "like" button. I was okay with the directions until it came to the part about replacing the wires...wires scare me and maybe that's good. George was worse, he didn't KNOW enough to be scared. My son was replacing some wiring right after George died and he turned to me and said, is there anything ELSE he touched? (He'd used masking tape instead of electrician's tape...it was enough to drain the blood from my son's face...he had wiring engineering in the service). I showed him everything he'd worked on and he checked everything out. I still laugh about that and know George is laughing with me.

Well, maybe the helper and her could switch places! Actually, isn't she the lady that she knows how to put up walls (having learned from Bill)? I saved the directions in case I need to replace mine someday...can't afford the electrician and in the country you could wait for a month for one to come out from the city.

And cheers to you, Fae and your Raven glass! So much of our triumph is learning how to do this alone, whether it's a toast, a meal, replacing a light that doesn't work, trans-versing anything new...alone. There are some things I have not tackled since George died...camping is one of them. But I have done some easy hikes with my dog and if I could afford the price of gas, would do more. I hope the rest of your evening goes as well.

That is funny Mary, although probably a bit annoying to you. I noticed a couple of rails that were coming off (I have a long ramp leading along the side and back of my house to the patio, with rails up since I'm on a hillside), so I went outside and hammered them back a few minutes ago. It wasn't easy as they appeared to have been nailed in at angles, not all the same, but I got it done. I hope you get your light operating, Mary! Is it the bulb or is it the ballast? Usually you have to replace the bulbs in pairs. I liked these simple directions: Fluorescent Lights Not Working My fluorescent light fixture is not working. When I first replaced the bulbs, I noticed that the new light was dimmer than it had been. In the next couple of weeks, I noticed that the light kept flickering. Now it is much dimmer. Assuming that you HAVE tried re-seating the tubes to make sure that they are indeed properly seated, that sounds like a bad ballast. Unless you are reasonably comfortable messing with electrical wiring, it's best to get an electrician to change the ballast. However, it's not really that difficult if you follow the instructions one step at a time. 1) Purchase a new ballast for that type of fixture 2) Arrange for good lighting up where the fixture is. 3) Test that lighting and make sure it stays lit when you turn the bad fixture off. 4) Arrange for a ladder or a table to stand on to comfortably reach the fixture. 5) Arrange for a helper to steady the ladder and to pass pieces to 6) Turn the bad fixture off and remove the tubes. 7) Unscrew the metal safety cover and remove it. 8) Draw a diagram of the wiring that you see. 9) Make sure that the ballast is an exact replacement with the same numbers and colors of wires. 10) Loosen the screw or wing-nut that holds the ballast and just let it hang by the wires. 11) Attach the new ballast securely 12) One at a time, switch the wires from the old to the new ballast 13) Double-check the wiring with your diagram 14) Make sure the little hat type connectors are good and tight and that you can't pull them off. 15) Replace the safety cover 16) Install the tubes and plexi-glass cover

Fae, Having that first "year without" behind me was a relief to me...it told me that I had indeed survived much and I would never again do another "first without". You have been through so much this year and you are indeed a survivor! Doug can have his privacy, but this is your journey now and it's best done the way you feel and need. It is okay to share with us. And although the "public" could come here, most choose not to...to most it would not interest them, only to us who are on this journey with you and choose to come here too. I have long ago quit worrying about privacy. I know that this is a vacuum that only some choose to come to...it's not like a future employer will read this stuff, and so what if they did! What we are experiencing is no different than anyone else who has lost their mate, and for those who have not, either they will or their spouse will someday.

Shannon, it was not you that did not stop him, it was the shock that did not let you move. This is way too much for a child. Realize, this is not you the adult that was there that day, this was you the child.

I too am glad you have a therapist to help you with these thoughts and feelings. I can't help but feel that right now today, though, you need rest. If you can try to obliterate any thought of anything stressful and tell those thoughts as they erupt that TODAY you need a break, TODAY you need rest. You cannot be all things to anyone else without first taking good care of yourself. I don't know if your mom knew or not...but I do know it's possible she didn't. I had a friend whose husband abused her kids for 14 years before she found out...one of the kids told a friend who told her mother, who called her. He was arrested and she divorced him. How could she not know? Because he was a master at deception, that's how. I do want you to know that NONE of this was in any way your fault. HE is the guilty one, not you, not her. You were a child! These things happened TO you, you did NOT cause them! My poor Shannon, you've just had way too much to bear. Today I am praying for your husband's health and your rest and peace of mind, and I will be praying for both of you throughout the day. Lay down and close your eyes and try to picture your mom stroking your hair, soothing you, loving you, calming you....and rest.

Fae's idea is wonderful! Have you thought of renting out your home and taking a rental yourselves for a time? That way if you wish you were back in it, you can still do so.

Shannon, I wasn't on line yesterday, I injured my back and yet performed at audit for our church yesterday, so when I got home last night I just laid down and didn't come on here. I am very glad your husband is in the hospital and you will have some help caring for him afterwards. I'm so glad that decision was made before the snow hit so bad! When the plows don't come through, you just can't go anywhere! Anything over a few inches and you get high centered, even with 4WD, unless it's packed down, it really depends on what kind of snow it is. I hope you can just rest and have peace in your heart knowing your husband is in good hands. We are praying for both of you!