kayc

I totally relate...George and I only knew each other 6 1/2 years and were married only 3 years 8 months. Some say we were in our honeymoon stage, but I knew with all that is within me, that we could have been married 50 years and STILL been in our honeymoon stage, because it's just how it was between us and had nothing to do with the brevity of our relationship. We knew each other deeper in a short few months (and "got" each other) than my XH did in 23 years of marriage! When I hear others talk about their 40 and 50 year marriages, I feel jealous and gypped, but I also realize its not the length of years, but the quality of relationship.

Shannon, Have you talked to the doctor about his memory loss? Is it due to the stroke? Is it likely to come back? Try to remember that what was there is still there...what you've shared may seem beyond his grasp at the moment, but it is intact and will be there for both of you always. (((hugs))) Kay

Jan, our progression is not noticed by us because we are in it...it takes an observing eye to notice the changes because sometimes they're so subtle. But I'd bet you are not at the same place you were the day he died. We adjust little by little, it's our bodies' way of surviving. We could not take the intensity of that first day, week, month if it were to continue like that. I understand wanting to be in your home, I do too...too much probably. I know I can't stay here forever, I'm getting older and won't be able to keep it up financially or otherwise as I age, but for now, I enjoy where I am. Our home is not the same without him in it, but I think Arlie did as good as he could filling his shoes, he's a lot like him in ways, full of zest and life, doting and loving.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear . . . Reminds me of "When you build it, they will come"...another profound thought!

netbrainer, I'm sorry you lost your dad, but I'm very glad he had a loving partner who cared for him all the way through, that is invaluable. I hope you will be able to visit him, I'm sure it would mean the world to him...and to your dad. It is hard to get used to when we lose our parent, something we all go through but that doesn't lessen the pain of the adjustment. I hope you will continue to come here as desired.

Shannon, How frightening that must have seemed! I'm glad your husband is in the hospital where he can get the care he needs. And I'm glad you got help with 911 for you. How are you feeling today?

Anne, I love that you glean deep significance from every day things. I never thought of the Lotus like that! Mary, I understand your doing small paintings so you don't get discouraged...maybe that's why I love doing cards! I'm much too impatient to make a quilt or something that takes ongoing effort, I like things I can finish and see end results from!

Cindy, I am sorry to hear it...yet doctors share a good portion of that responsibility. They order the tests, don't they look at the results? In my George's case, he had been complaining of symptoms to his doctor for several months and his doctor just told him to quit smoking. Okay, that's fine, but he should have sent him to a cardiologist for testing! George had cut back his smoking 90%, for all the good it did, he died anyway. If they just would have tested him, they could have discovered he had blocked arteries and maybe they could have done something before it was too late! By the time we knew, the damage was done...and irreversible. In the end, we don't know why our husbands had to die and prematurely at that. But it isn't our fault...we would have done anything for them. Hindsight is so much easier!

My heart goes out to you...too much bad news! I'm afraid that's what comes of knowing people...the more people we know and care about, the more we seem to lose. Would it help if we were all hermits? A little late for that, I guess, we already have people we care about so the risk is taken. Harry, I do hope it slows down for you soon...and Mary too!

That sounds so much like how it was with George and I...he was always watching me with a look of pure love on his face. Our interaction was the same, very, very loving. You mention her hairdryer being on and "funny the things we miss". Sure is.

I'm glad you'll have help caring for Leo. I hope your weekend proves restful and your talk with your friend is of help to you.

Cricket, My guess is your mom DID know but it was beyond her control to do anything about it. My son has wondered about my daughter maybe not wanting any of us to see how she lives, and that may have been true when she was 18 but I don't think so now but I could be wrong. I have gone way above and beyond to show my daughter I'm here for her and love her unconditionally and have always had open communication with her but she just chooses life without any of us. At his point all I can do is love her anyway and respect her wishes. I will always wish it was different and I hope she doesn't write a similar post someday about missing her mother. Ahh that people could only realize how fleeting this life is of ours! There's no way in the world that I could have known in June 2005 that it would be my last time on Earth with my husband, but life is like that, it takes turns and bends and doesn't give warning signs. You will always miss your mom but it won't remain in the same level of intensity that it is right now...we couldn't bear it if it stayed that way. Little by little we adjust and get used to our new "life without". It's not what we would choose, but it is what is. I think when we have kids of our own it does help us to be more understanding of our parents and the fact that many times we are winging it as we face the challenges of raising our kids. I hope you are blessed to have children someday, it is the best thing anyone can experience! I wouldn't have traded it for the world, and my greatest accomplishment is being these kids' mom.

Have you considered a support group? It might help to know there are others who have gone through this and understand what you are feeling. You might ask your grief counselor about it.

Could you sell your car and get a truck? Anything that helps you...even perhaps an SUB, which would be different. Do you know why it's taking so long (the appeal)? I hope you get some answers soon, let us know! Holidays are tough for the bereaved, I'm glad you have that behind you. You are smart to keep small goals, one at a time. (((hugs!)))

Thank you, Marty! You must have one terrific memory!

Cindy, I am so sorry you lost your husband. There are no words to adequately convey...I know how horrific it is because I lost my beloved husband suddenly and without warning...we didn't know until that weekend that he had heart trouble and I was away when he was admitted to the hospital for what would be the last couple of days of his life. The pain you are in is very raw and it's almost numb like as shock sets in at first, it takes a while for reality to slowly sink in. You may doubt you can live through this, but you will...all of us here have been through it and we are the survivors. I am glad you had your mom and your son with you. My daughter was with me afterwards, my son was in the service and could only come home for a few days. It is undoubtedly the hardest thing you'll ever go through. Please continue to come here, this is a safe place where people understand. You will go through a lot in the upcoming months and here are people who have been through it and will take your hand as you traverse this journey. My heart goes out to you.

There is no way in the world I could turn down a day with George! Not even if it meant going through all that pain all over again. I'm not sure I'd want to "do" anything! I'd just want him to hold me. Maybe we could find a special campsite, far away from others, and just enjoy the peace and beauty of our beloved forest and river...as for talking, I don't know, maybe find out what's been happening to each other. Talking always came easy for us, but sometimes not talking is good too.

(((babben)))

That's a full day! I'm so glad you slept last night, I hope all goes well today.

You guys are so great, always so encouraging. Thanks for the reminder that each one is individual. Yes, I've seen that. One of my best friends died of Alz. years ago and she never became violent and although she did forget who we were, her spirit remained sweet and she knew we were familiar, just didn't know how. She got her late husband and her second husband mixed up, but her second husband, Bill, didn't allow himself to be upset by that, just kept loving her and being there for her to the very end. In watching my mom, I know she knows (at times) something is wrong, that is the hard part. When they reach the stage they no longer know, I don't think there is much to fear anymore. It is easy to fear getting it ourselves, but if we continue to use our brain and be well-rounded, well that is the best we can do...and they are always continuing research on it, who knows what will transpire in the next ten years.

I think it can be with mothers and daughters. It's been twelve years now and I'm just as perplexed, we were close when she was growing up, did everything together, so it's been really hard knowing she doesn't call me to do lunch and I wasn't allowed to help her pick out a wedding dress or any of the usual Mother/Daughter things. I wonder sometimes if she'll miss me when I'm gone.

Perhaps one day you can write a book...it might take all of your life to complete, but it would serve to let others know they are not alone in their life trauma. For today, I hope you are resting.

Harry, I thank you for starting this thread, because I am going through it with my mom. She has Lewy Bodies Dementia. Many people haven't heard of that (I hadn't until her diagnosis), but it is similar to Alzheimer's, perhaps worse in some ways, and is the second most diagnosed form of Dementia, Alzheimer's being the greatest number. It involves, of course, memory loss, inability to reason, Paranoia (which she has had all her life), Parkinsons-like symptoms, losing balance and shaking, delusions, and in more advanced stages, violence. There are more symptoms, too many to list, but these are the ones that come to mind. I don't really worry about getting it because my life has been so different from my mom's. My mom didn't work outside the home and quit using her brain to any great degree many years ago. She is 90 years old and I seriously doubt any of us kids will live as long as her. She took good care of her physical self, never being overweight and being disciplined about her diet and exercise. Most of us kids have worse genes than hers as we seemed to inherit the bad ones from both her and my dad. We were, however, all more mentally stable than her. I am seeing signs of Dementia in one older sister, but she also quit using her brain at age 50 when she retired. I tried to interest her in outside activities, volunteering, spending time with friends, etc. all to no avail as she sunk deeper into depression, choosing only to have it treated with medication with no changes in her life style. My siblings and I worry about her but are unable to affect her choices so we have to accept that she won't have a long life as she gets no exercise and insists on smoking. We have to accept what we can't change and just love her for who she is. I know of no disease more frightening than Dementia as it robs a person of their very self...their memories, their abilities, their identity. I must say, it has been a learning experience. Most of the time I do pretty well with it but this last month has been a real struggle and I'm afraid I could have handled things better. I am learning, though, and it is all quite a learning experience. To try to afford the person their own personal dignity while putting your foot down with areas of safety...well, it's quite a balancing act. It is easy to get swallowed up in their disease. Oh how I wish that no person had to suffer this! Harry, I didn't know your mom but it sounds like she kept active. I know we probably can't ward off Dementia completely, but there are steps we can take to help delay the onslaught...using our brain, getting stimuli on a regular basis, etc. Maybe that can't fully stop it from advancing, but perhaps we'd succumb to it all the sooner without these practices. Perhaps if your mother hadn't been the type of person she was, she would have gotten it ten years sooner, who knows. In my mom's case, I have no idea when she started developing Dementia because her other disorders masked it and it was quite severe before we realized it was definite. We had to take her to court to force her to get a medical evaluation and it took a full year, meanwhile she lived very unsafe and we were in constant stress over it. It is a very hard situation for children or spouses to be in. Harry, you may have delayed grief over your mom, but you probably did some grieving ahead of time too. It is easy to feel relieved when someone has had something so horrific happen to them and then are finally released from it. I'm sure I'll have a lot of mixed feelings when my mom goes, and all of them will be valid and understandable. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and your dad too. I can only say, "Ditto!" to Mary's post, she expresses everything that's on my heart.

I am thankful you have such a caring therapist. When your mom was ripped away from you, you were a child, and your sobs are from that child. Someone needs to comfort that child...you can be that someone. Tell her what she needs to hear, that it wasn't her fault, that her mom still loves her and wants to hold her, that her mom is out of her hell and one day you'll be together again. You must be exhausted from crying, I hope that exhaustion brings the needed sleep. (((hugs)))

I'm sorry it came to this. It truly wasn't anything you said or did, you know that, don't you? No matter who you were, she would have lashed out at you. Sometimes those who are grief-stricken aren't in their right mind. They feel angry and take it out on the one that's closest to them, they feel safer to do so with them. They don't think things out, they react. To be quite honest, you need to focus on what is best for you and let her find her own way in her own time. When Jim broke up with me, I packed up his things and dropped them off on his front porch the next morning, his roommate was there and he was gone. We have been able to recover a friendship but that is all. Some do, some don't. You ARE a good guy, and you just keep on being who you were raised to be and it will pan out eventually. Only God knows the plans He has for you but rest in this: He has someone for you...whether it's to recover this relationship someday or to have an even better one with someone else, He has a plan for you. I know, that seems of little consolation in the here and now when you don't know what that is or if/when, but hang in there, it won't stay like this forever, and neither will the heartache. Give yourself a chance to heal...cut off all contact with her including Facebook. Any news you have of her will just prolong your agony. Tell your family/friends you don't want to hear about her, that you need to move on. And stick to it no matter what you feel. It will help you recover and then and only then will you be ready for what God has in store for you. You didn't do anything wrong...I wish there was one of you my age!