kayc

Jane, It took my husband and I most of our lives to find each other and when we did, we were inseparable. From the very beginning, we felt each other's hearts and could relate to each other, we had the most amazing love, communication, and faith in each other. Unfortunately, we were only married 3 years and 8 months when his life was abruptly cut short with a heart attack...we hadn't even known until that weekend that he HAD a heart problem, he looked the picture of health but his energy had waned and his breath was short...he was trying to quit smoking, although it was much too late. Time eases the pain in our hearts, but the missing them doesn't ever seem to go away, a tribute to our love. If I lost my dog I'm afraid it would hit me as keenly as George's death did, although it would not affect me on as many levels as losing co-provider, the person who did half the chores, the person who looked at me appreciatively when I dressed up, the person who held me in his arms and in his heart each day...that person is irreplaceable. But losing a dog or a beloved cat can also strike us very hard, they love so unconditionally and we open our hearts fully to them. They become so much a part of our lives, our routines. I can't imagine living without my dog now, I only know we don't get asked if we think we can or what we want, sometimes we just have to deal with what we're handed and try and do our best anyway, and sometimes, that's tough. My heart goes out to you. Kay

I'm so sorry your time with Bubbles had to come to an end...I personally choose to believe we'll be reunited with our animals again someday, I certainly hope so. It sounds like your Bubbles means as much to you as my Arlie does to me...when I read that you took the frame off your bed so it'd be easier for her to join you, that really got to me, that is the kind of thing I would do for my dog. I just want to say that your dog was so fortunate to have you as her family, just as fortunate as you were to have her. I wish there were something I could say to ease the pain in your heart, but all I know to do is listen and care. She sounds like a wonderful dog that will be greatly missed. (((hugs))) Kay

That is so cool. I can't comment on your children you're fostering because I don't know them or their situation, but they can be taught to respect other's situations even if they don't relate. I wonder if you got another animal at some point and brought them in on the selection process if they'd feel more of a kinship with the animal? As for your grief and loss, I'm sure it's tremendous and who knows how long the pain will continue. I am single and my dog is everything to me...if I lost him, well, I don't know if I could ever be the same, he literally is my world. I know it's something I will undoubtedly face someday and yet I try to push it out of my mind. When the time comes, I will have to focus on being thankful for the time we did have and having had him in my life...just like I had to when I lost my sweet husband. It's tough, no matter how you cut it.

Tom, Thanks for checking in, I've wondered how you're doing. I'm glad you're busy, that's good! You're moving on and that's good too. She's no longer your main focus and that's as it should be. Good luck to you! Kay

I have a file in my computer called "letters to George", it's ongoing, I write to him whenever I feel the need to. It consoles me that somehow he might know what I write...I know, it may be silly, but don't tell me otherwise, leave me in my ignorant bliss, it helps me all the same.

I'm sorry...I only got 3 years 8 months being married to my husband, so I know how it feels to feel ripped of it. It has nothing to do with what we deserve though, some just luck out and others don't, it's luck of the draw. I don't believe for one second that someone planned that we get ripped apart so soon, I can't handle that kind of thinking, nope, I just think life happens or it doesn't and in our case, we missed out...but looking at it another way, we lucked out the day we met them and for whatever time we got, we got more than some people who are married 50 years. I'm sorry it seems even harder now, hang in there, it gets more bearable, even though the missing them part never goes away. (((hugs))) Kay

Harry, I have written on here so much that I'm not sure which thread in particular you're referring to, but anyone can read about my heartbreak after remarrying...it is posted in the very beginning of "Loss of Love Relationships" because Marty so caringly started that section when a couple of us were going through having our hearts broken following being preyed on in our vulnerable state. It's enough to make anyone proceed with caution!

Stacyines, Your question is a good one. I remember that time, even though it was over six years ago, like it was yesterday, it stands out in my mind because it was one of the hardest times I've experienced. One of the things that helped me was taking my power back in ways that I could (I felt a loss of power when George was ripped from me with no input from me as to what I wanted!) One of the things I could do was to take care of myself physically. It not only restored my sense of power, but it helps your brain, and it also helps you feel better to eat well and get regular physical exercise. I also took great comfort in my pets. I read a study a while back that said when we pet our dogs we get the same endorphins released as when we take care of our babies, I hadn't known that, but it actually makes a person FEEL better! I learned to take one day at a time. Sometimes even that was too much and I had to break it down to an hour at a time or a minute. I tried not to look at the whole rest of my life because that would be biting off more than I could chew. Yes we have to plan for our future to some extent, but in the early grieving days, it seems best to stick to the time at hand. It's good not to make big permanent decisions...we have to recognize and realize that our brains are super-taxed at this time and may not be up to snuff, so to speak. Our brains have been jolted to the extent it may change us indefinitely...that is not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing, it just is. How can we come through so much and not expect to be affected by it? And I had to learn to be gentle and understanding of myself, recognizing I'd been through a whole lot. I learned to stand up for myself...when people said/did stupid things, I grew some more backbone and spoke my mind...trying to be sensitive and tactful where I could, but learning to be outspoken where I had to be too. (Some people let tact go right over them and you have to be more blunt with them). I had to learn to accept help. There were some things that George did that are beyond my ability and I had to recognize that. As someone recently wrote to me, she stated she had to learn to do what she could and let go of the rest. That applies particularly to us widowed homeowners that don't have the brawn or aptitude for certain tasks around the place. I've learned there are some widows that appreciate a home-cooked meal and some of us who appreciate someone fixing something around the house and we can help each other out as friends. Most of what I remember of that first year is a fog...I remember feeling frantic and scared, hurting, angry. I came to realize that you will experience the whole gamut of emotions and all of them are understandable and valid and something to be gotten through. I learned to do my grief work, that there is no way to circumvent it, no way to avoid it, that you can try but in the end it will still be waiting for you and haunting you...so it's okay to vent, okay to cry, okay to scream, okay to withdraw, okay to avoid, okay to do whatever you have to do to get through this moment and it will change from time to time and you'll pass through different phases, and you'll have so many emotions, some of them conflicting...all of that is okay and as Marty has said, we all experience our own journey differently and do what is best for us. Oh and as some have pointed out, and as I have observed in others, drowning your sorrow in alcohol or drugs or even another relationship does not ultimately seem to help anything...in the end, the grief is still there to be dealt with. And that's what we're all here for, we're here for each other and to go through it together. My hugs and best wishes to you. I like that you have a goal, to turn this to a positive by becoming a suicide advocate...it may take time, but what a good goal to realize! As so many here have stated, helping others is a positive for those grieving. Kay

bea, My husband used to call me during the week as he worked so far away, he'd stay there four days/week and come home for a three day weekend. Whenever he called, he'd say, "Hi Hon..." I can still hear him. I've tried to close off my heart to the pain because it's just too unbearable, but I still miss him and when I let myself think about it, the ache is still there. If I could have him back for just one moment, I'd gladly give the rest of my life...

Dave, I'm sorry your friend Mark is also going through this, it's something we all wish no one had to go through. I'm sure you'll be a real comfort to him in the days to follow. I had a friend go through it about three years after I did, and it does help that we've been there and know what helps and what doesn't, although the journey is unique to each of us. And bless Cheryl for her sweet donation of roses, I hope they do real well there.

Glad you're able to help Greg, Dwayne, I'm sure it means a lot to him.

Boy, you're asking the wrong person...I am the master at receiving rejection! Guess that's another reason I don't want to bother. Sure it'd be nice to have someone to spend time with, but there's no one out there like my George and I guess that's what I'd really want, so...I don't. Try not to take it personal cuz someone doesn't want you, we all have preferences and sometimes it takes a while to find the one with whom it's reciprocal. It's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of their taste. After all, I'm sure you meet men you wouldn't consider. If you truly want someone, I hope you find what you're looking for. Just don't commit too soon, date LOTS of people before you settle into a committed relationship...I learned the hard way, now I have no inclination whatsoever to look for someone. Pay attention to red flags and proceed with lots of caution. You're right, going from safely married to suddenly single is a huge jump...and those who married young and for a long time may not be aware of some things they should...times have changed, now there's internet dating, it can be a new and scary thing. Ask some of your single friends for advice, get safety tips, etc. Make sure the other person exerts half the effort, not just you doing it all. Listen to your inner voice and pay attention to it. Be safe.

I liked that. On another note, Harry, you might consider dividing the plant and giving half to someone else for their window sill...that way you can keep it in the size pot you want and the other plants won't suffer, AND it'll brighten someone else's life!

Stacyines, I think it'd be great if you could use what you've been through to help or prevent others from choosing a self-destructive path. Sometimes our experiences make us feel we are without hope, but the truth is, death is the one permanent robber of hope. We have to, therefore, cling to life and the hope that eventually things will be better, and we have to continue to work towards that goal, even when the answer doesn't seem to be in plain sight...that is, after all, what proceeding on faith is.

Dave, Okay, we want to see pictures!!! We could use a good laugh. Thanks for sharing with us. And it's neat that you are still learning from Mike, even after he's gone, remembering the things he said and applying them. Let him continue to inspire you, and also your little niece and nephew. I'm not a smoker but I've heard how hard it is to quit, seems to be different for everyone. I have one sister that has to be on oxygen and the doctor wanted her to quit but instead she now limits herself to ten a day and with her oxygen machine now her lung capacity is at 96%, which is great considering she nearly died 15 months ago! My George was a smoker and he managed to cut his smoking 90% by going to filtered lights, only smoking 1/2 cigarette, throwing the rest away, and cutting back the number of cig. he smoked. I applauded his efforts. In the end he died anyway at barely 51 years old...perhaps if he'd stopped sooner, but who knows, maybe with his genetics it just would have happened. We can only do our best with the hand we're dealt.

I am so sorry for your double loss. I have lost many pets and it is so very hard. I can also say that it is harder to let go of some than others because every once in a while one enters our lives that is so special and we fit together so perfectly. I have lost thirteen cats and eight dogs over the years. There were some that were particularly difficult to lose...such as my dog Fluffy, he was just such a great all around family dog, we loved him so much and his years were cut short prematurely...I think that makes it harder. And my cat Chappy, his death was also quite premature and I'd been so close to him, that was really hard. But there was also my 19 year old cat George...having spent so long with him, I missed him terribly in the routine of my life. I wish I could ease your pain, for I know all too well what you must be suffering. I think I would let the kids know when they say something inappropriate that it is unacceptable. They may not understand your loss or know appropriate ways to respond but they are not too young to learn to respect someone else's grief. And for the relatives who would understand and relate, it's okay to call them and just cry...just their being there to listen and care could mean a lot. And we are here, if you want to voice yourself, we'll listen. I'm so sorry. You have an amazing capacity to give, to children, to your pets, you have a big heart, and I pray someone, be it a person or another pet, comes along to fill it again.

Miri, What you have experienced is, unfortunately, not unique...it is identical to what I and so many others have gone through. Our relationship was good, we could tell each other everything, we weren't fighting, we got along great, we had plans for our future, and he withdraws to take care of his dying mother and snaps and breaks up with me, wouldn't talk to me for months, but when he does, won't give me reasons other than he snapped and has indicated either through his words or his actions that we were not going to get back together. What I experienced emotionally as a result of being yanked around like this, no one should have to go through. Upon reconnecting, he confused me, even telling me one time he loved me (habit?), telling me he'd probably come see me sometime, then vehemently rejecting my invitation to him a few weeks later to come visit...I had to, after that, close off his power to hurt me and consciously make the decision, this is not happening again. He can talk to me all he wants, he's not getting into my heart again. I miss him, I still don't get what happened, I doubt I ever will, nor has he ever fully explained it to me. He has changed, pure and simple, he is not who he once was. How can grief do that to someone? Over a year has gone by and he remains this new person, somewhat of a stranger to me. Is he happier? I don't see and hear it that way. He is lacking in motivation and somewhat depressed, he's gained weight, he's alone except for his roommate. And yet, like in your case, he remains the same to his friends, why is that? Why do they change to us but not to their friends? Perhaps they truly feel they cannot have any expectation on them, they cannot give the least little amount, they are unfit for a relationship at this time and perhaps ever. I've lost my dad, I didn't do this. I lost my sweet husband, I didn't shut people out. I've lost a lot of people, grandparents, uncles, niece, nephew...still, I never responded this way. Yet obviously, some do. We have to let go of them because they are gone to us, gone in the way we knew them, and definitely, the relationship we had and experienced is gone. We can be friends after a time, but I use the term loosely, because they will be superficial usurpers of the people we once knew...they will not give, they will not care. The greatest thing we can do after such an experience is focus on ourselves. Whether or not we choose to enter a new relationship is something only we can decide, but if we do, we need to be acutely aware of red flags and proceed cautiously. For myself, I'm not interested...that is perhaps the worst thing Jim hurled at me, he has affected my ability to trust, to try again. I remain alone, I don't see anyone out there worth trying again, I see potential heartbreak and letdown and want no part of it.

Lilli, At this point I have accepted being alone the rest of my life because I just don't trust any of them out there. That's okay, we don't need someone to be valuable and I'm happy with my dog. I feel I was honored to have had someone in my life that loved me so much, so fortunate to have had a mutually reciprocal relationship that was so wonderful...I just don't think the odds of having that again are very high. But I wish the best for anyone wanting to go out and try again! The heartbreak does lessen and I am glad no one has the power to break my heart again.

Wow, these are some very deep thoughts. I agree with much of what all of you have written...I remember feeling a loss of control with George's being taken away from me and it really bothered me that no one had consulted with ME about what was greatly concerning MY life! I also remember in the earlier years having a hard time with the very word "acceptance" because I did not like or agree with what had happened...but eventually I came to realize that acceptance did not mean you liked it or wanted it to happen, it did not mean you agreed with it (and please, don't get me started on people who say "it must have been God's will"!)...acceptance is just realizing that this IS what IS now and that is that. You are no longer in denial, somewhere along the way you stopped expecting to hear their voice when you answered the phone, or see them walk through the door when you heard it open. You realize that no miracle is going to occur and bring them back. Life is not going to return to the way it was. Acceptance. And it does NOT equate with what you want or like or agree with. It just is what is. I might also add, and some of you may disagree with me and that's totally okay too, but I think we can be spiritual beings with or without organized religion or church. Some people who believe in God or afterlife do not attend church. I happen to be one who does, but I respect other people's choices. We don't have to agree with or like some minister's approach or delivery on the hell, fire, and brimstone message. I had a dear southern friend who used to say you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, that's my personal belief too, you don't have to scare people into it. In fact, I remember reading somewhere in the Bible where it's said (paraphrase, my memory isn't as keen as it used to be) "even if I told you, you wouldn't believe me (so why tell you?)" You can preach hell, fire, and brimstone all you want to people and what good is all that scaring going to do, you think it's really going to land you a good solid convert? That's a rhetorical question that doesn't need answered, just my thoughts on the subject...much better, in my opinion, to speak of the benefits of Christianity and the helpful teachings of the man they called Master. On another note, the sign of a good leader is they have followers. I guess that's why I'm not a counselor, I find people don't want to take advice...if I was meant to be one, people would listen and heed me better.

Stacyines, I didn't know your intended, but I do know you are not responsible for his death. Regardless of what the events were or his thinking was, it was he that took his life, not you. This is probably the hardest thing you'll face in life, and you're doing it so young...I'm so sorry for all you are feeling and going through. Maybe it'll do you some good to get away for a while...are you going to be with relatives and people who care about you? I surely hope so. I remarried after George died...in looking back I think I must have been nuts. I probably was. Grieving can be that way. It was a disaster, he was just a con man that saw and preyed on me, none of that matters any more. But I feel bad, like I dishonored George by having done so, only 1 1/2 years after his death, when George was my life, my heart and soul. But it wasn't because George didn't mean anything to me...quite the opposite, I was literally out of my mind with grief, frantic, scared, trying in some stupid way to rebuild my life that I had lost, ha, that didn't work! In the end, it would be George who understood me most of all and would be the last person to judge me or cast a stone, that is just how our love was, how our relationship was, we always understood each other and each other's motivation. It was just three weeks before George died that he came to me and confessed that he'd been using Meth. Stupid. His heart was blocked, five arteries, it was amazing he'd been able to go to work every day, for he had a physically taxing job. No wonder he'd felt no energy. He was worried about losing his job, worried he wouldn't be able to keep up with the young whippersnappers. That's why he took the Meth. On his death bed he said, "now you know why I did what I did?" I said, "oh George, I always knew WHY you did what you did, I just didn't think it was the right answer." I felt no judgment, only compassion for this dear sweet man laying in that hospital bed...and that is the same compassion he would show me for my mistakes.

Yes, dear Dwayne, you have come such a long way. It's hard to believe it's been seven months...in a way, doesn't it feel like a lifetime? That first year for me was such a frantic blur...

Sometimes it is those random acts, no matter how small, that make life bearable.

I loved my husband with all of my heart, as he did me...I can't imagine how the original author must be feeling...

Dave, I have to commute 1 1/4 hours each way in good weather at my present job, about double that in the winter when the roads are really bad, but fortunately that isn't all the time. It takes a lot of patience! I don't get anything done during the work week at home, that's one reason I hate to end up with a lower paying job and have to work six days/week because then I won't have any down time. I'm sorry you have such a long commute, I'm surprised because medical jobs is what is plentiful here, just not much else.

Hi, this may be too late since it's been 12 hours now but I would try and keep it light, as friends, no relationship talk, put him at ease. Perhaps there will be a day when you can talk about things, perhaps not...Jim still won't and it's been 13 1/2 months, I've given up on ever getting answers and have just accepted this is how things are. Good luck, let us know how it goes!