kayc

Dwayne, I wanted to get this started this morning, please forgive me, I've had an emergency with my mom that has consumed much of my day. I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday on line here and I hope you got to spend some of it with your friends Donna and Greg.

I'm glad you got his ashes back, and I can understand how comforting that must be. Ferretts are such lively little creatures, I can imagine it's a huge adjustment not hearing him scurrying around the house.

Dave, Your rose is beautiful, and yes, I think when we need it the most, we get a rose in life, just in time, and yes, I too choose to believe it was Mike's way of saying he is with you. I wish I could get some such sign from George, but I don't...I miss him. So much. You have a lot to think about with your job, I just pray that you will know what you are to do and it will all come together. I can relate to your commuting for I put 120,000 miles on my car in four years, I didn't think anyone would have me beat but it seems you do! Commuting is very wearing. I should say, that's not all of the miles I've driven for I also have miles on my truck I just sold...you see, in the winter I have to drive the truck, with it's 4WD, down the mountain, where I transfer into my car for the rest of my commute, I do this because the truck got me around in the worst of the snow/road conditions, but the car gets the better gas mileage so I use it for the remainder of the trip. It's a hassle transferring everything back and forth between vehicles and warming up two vehicles, plus twice the insurance and upkeep, but it seems the best solution. Right now I'm still looking for an affordable truck for this winter...which is coming soon. You must live in AZ or someplace with warmer weather to be getting roses this time of year!

I totally understand what you're saying...you want to deal with the root of it rather than mask it. I know I went on Buspirone, anti-anxiety medicine, when my husband left me over three years ago and it doesn't take away my feelings or change me, it just takes the edge off so I can better cope and stops that welling up feeling inside of me, I hate that! If you can't afford a counselor, sometimes there are pastors trained to help people but you do have to be careful, not all are trained and some can do more harm than good. I have a good pastor that is educated and I would feel comfortable going to him, but not just anyone. There are some counselors that base their charges on a sliding scale so that might be something to consider too. 35 years ago when I worked for the 700 Club, we were trained to help people, but I wouldn't recommend them now, they've changed way too much. I would enlist the help of your husband in your going through this though, he can't help if he doesn't know what's going on. I'm sorry you had a bad day today...I know in my grieving over the loss of my late husband, there were good days and bad days and some in between...in the beginning it was extremely hard and it took concerted effort to try and maintain positive focus during that time. One thing I've learned is, loss is loss and grief takes work, no matter what the loss is. It can be a spouse, a friend, a home, a job, a dream, it can be anything, and it's hard to go through, but there is much to be learned along the way, and not all is bad, there are some positives that come from going through this journey, and one of them is the wonderful people I've met here on this site...the other is learning that I'm a survivor and I can always look back and see what I've made it through and know that I will make it through what I'm going through right now, somehow. My heart goes out to you...

Dave, I feel everything that you're saying and yes we've all felt that way at different times. If you hate your career, think about what you WOULD like to do and focus on making that happen. Perhaps something totally different would infuse you in some way. Right now, drained or otherwise, I just want a job making enough to keep myself afloat and I feel with 42 years experience I shouldn't HAVE to go find some other line of work at my age! I feel angry that our country has robbed people of the means to support themselves. I'm not talking getting rich, I'm talking a roof over our heads, heat, food, medical, basic needs! Do you have any vacation time coming? It might help if you could get a week or two off. Is there something in particular (besides job) that is draining you? Your dad? Is there someone else that could share the load? You're right, we can't be all things to all people all of the time. 5-7 months out is a hard time, it becomes more real about that time. Don't worry about what other people are thinking, that's a waste of energy, you may or may not be right, but what does it matter what they think when they haven't been there?! It is what it is, it is YOUR experience, not theirs, and it's YOU that matters! I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight and you can get some relief soon. You're in my thoughts... Kay

I'll have to look for "A Single Man"...

I had not heard of him, it all being much before I was born...my older sisters used to listen to radio when they were little, I'll have to ask them if they remember him. He certainly is articulate!

Thinking of you today...I know the loss is there, and there is a ferret shaped hole in your heart as you try to get through today. Have you done anything to memorialize him? Did you bury him somewhere or have him cremated? Have you made an album with pictures of him in it? Sometimes it helps to do something for them after they die to show the value we place on them. For instance, when my dog, Fluffy, died, we buried him in our back yard and erected a cross on which we inscribed his favorite words: GO, TREAT, GOOD BOY, etc. Some people donate to a cause in that person or animal's name. Whatever it is that you do, you will know what is right for you.

It helps to know the reason why you had an exchange with your ex...I'm glad it wasn't because you were interested in rekindling anything and that you consider your marriage very solid. I have had three relationship break-ups that were not explained to me or resolved, and it does make it much more difficult to get through/past. Unfortunately, some people won't give answers when they break up and we have no choice but to just accept what is and try to move on. I think it helps to diminish (in your mind) the value of the role the other person played in your life, not at the time, but now. Another thing that has helped me is relegating it to a "time" (like a phase) in my life...I tell myself, well this person was in my life these years, but now they are no longer. Trying not to personalize it has helped, although that's very hard when it's fresh and it sure as heck FEELS personal! Understanding that it's about THEM and what THEY are going through, helps me not to take on responsibility for the break-up so that rather than viewing it as rejection or failure, I can leave it with the other person and move on with my life. (That is, assuming I've already soul-searched and found nothing wrong with how I dealt with them, etc and found no improvements I should have made, which is a given.) When someone can't communicate with you enough to give you answers, we should view it as a GOOD thing that we did not stay together, for more of the same would have been forthcoming. One thing looms out at me in what you just wrote...that is, you had a big loss in your life 20+ years ago. Your encountering him through this written exchange seemed to serve as a trigger and brought the loss back in it's entirety. It seems when that happens, you have to do the grief work again and then let it go. It could be a counselor might be able to help you towards this end, in working through it and moving back into your present life with your husband. I'm glad you're resolved not to go there again and have blocked this man from contacting you again because he does not seem a healthy venue for you. Usually something from the long ago past is best left there. I still feel that it would be best to discuss this with your husband, that to shut him out from something you're going through that seems significant to you will be hurtful to your relationship in the now. He undoubtedly senses something's wrong and doesn't know what or how to deal with it...he could personalize your responses and it might help him understand it has nothing to do with him, it's just something you're going through. If he can be supportive of you with what you're going through, it can bond the two of you even closer and help you as you know you are not going through all of this alone. It also helps to express yourself...you came here saying you had no one to talk to...well you have us here, you can talk to us. I know I am the only one that has responded, but I'm sure there's been others reading...perhaps something you say will strike a chord with one of them. Expression is so important as an outlet, it helps us reestablish the power within ourselves and our connectivity...it really helps to not feel alone or bottled up. I hope today and each day forward you continue to do and feel a little better. It's like you've been through an emotional shock or jolt and it may take a bit of time for that to settle down. It also might help to stay in touch with your doctor...it could be you might need some antidepressants for a time to help you get through this. Situational depression differs from chemical imbalance in that it can often be treated for a period of time, say a year, and then weaned off of, whereas chemical imbalance requires treatment for life. Also, situational depression benefits from dealing with the situation that caused it, while a prescription makes it more tolerable while doing so. Just something to consider.

Hang in there Dwayne, and call me any time! Today there doesn't seem to be any jobs to apply for, I still have to check the classifies, but on line...nothing. It goes like that, in spurts. My boss told me yesterday that he forwarded the notices to me via email in July...I never got them. I went through my computer's history, and I'd checked my company email several times that day, but didn't get it. I think for something that important he would have mentioned it or noticed the forms never appeared on his desk for signatures. Oh well...I put a rule into my webmail so anything coming from the company will go to the inbox...sometimes it was going to spam or trash for no apparent reason and there's so much that makes it into there, even though I check it, it's easier to miss because there can be hundreds in there. I hate the company webmail but alas I have to work with it. So, Dwayne, less than three weeks...when will you find out for sure if it's on? BTW, if you have extra patience, can you send some my way? It's NOT one of my greatest qualities! LOL

Lucia, I'm so glad your son DID make it, again and again! It must have been meant to be. I'm sure you are wishing your Ben could be here as you celebrate that long ago moment your son was born, but you know what? I think he IS here with you in spirit.

I'm sorry about your ferret, a friend of mine had ferrets and they brought her immense joy too. I'm glad you had a few good years together before you lost him, it is hard no matter when it is. My heart goes out to you in your loss. Kay

Please, please hear me, loud and clear, because if you choose to ignore this advice, it will continue to lead you down a dark path from which there is no return. If you haven't already done so, de-friend him immediately. You say you've blocked him make sure you've blocked him from email, phone, texting, any way in which you have to receive contact from him. You took vows 20 years ago to your best friend, as you say, a wonderful man...your first allegiance is to him always. I recommend you tell him what has happened. Tell him ALL so there won't be a trickle of surprises forthcoming. He will undoubtedly have a difficult time with this and you will need to work on rebuilding the trust you have destroyed. I know this sounds harsh, but I know what I'm talking about, I've been there on the other side of the coin and there are worse things than telling someone harsh truth...one of them is NOT warning a person when they're heading down a wrong path because the consequences always manage to find their way to you and they are harder to go through. This can be gotten through. You can find help at a wonderful website called marriagebuilders.com they have many, many resources to help you affair-proof your marriage, to build it the best marriage ever, to help the two of you meet each others needs. You see, there had to be a fissure in your marriage to begin with for you to allow contact from this person. It is that fissure you must learn about and fix so this can't happen again. There is a lady on marriagebuilders.com named MelodyLane, she is an expert and has very sound advice, she can offer you much help. In addition, Dr. Harley, who wrote such books as "His Needs, Her Needs", "Surviving an Affair", "LoveBusters", and many more, also offers marriage counseling that is some of the best there is. He has helped thousands of couples. Go to the infidelity section and post what you have posted here. You see, infidelity is not only of a sexual nature, it often begins with an emotional affair and starts the moment there is trust broken or a betrayal made. You will be tempted not to come clean with your husband but if you do not, there will continue to be a barrier between the two of you...he may not know what it is, but he will undoubtedly be aware there is one and will be bewildered by what has changed between the two of you. I am so glad you reached out for help because that is the first step. You need not be trapped in this situation, there is a way out and I would love nothing more than to take your hand and help you, because I am a firm believer in good and solid marriages. You don't say if you're having an emotional affair with your XH or not but it sounds like he's reeled you in somehow or another by tugging at your heartstrings and you now realize he has led you right back to what you left so many years ago. There is a reason you divorced him and that reason did not mysteriously disappear. That reason now looms out at you glaringly and it's imperative that you get away from this man immediately. Please message me any time you want, I check in here nearly every day.

We're rooting for you Dwayne! I had one of my hardest days ever at work yesterday. I got to work and there was a week's worth of mail with a lot of bank reconciliations to do so I thought I had my day cut out for me. Well then my boss comes in to work and drops a bombshell on me...we lost our ability to do business in TX, where one of our offices was. Turns out they sent the notice for filing franchise taxes and another form to our TX office, who forwarded it to my boss, who neglected to give it to me, back in July. To complicate matters worse, when I'd registered in TX, they created several filings, which I promptly called to their attention, and they were supposed to take care of it, and told me which number to use...turns out they didn't finish "taking care of it" so they show us remiss with that number as well. I tried to get that straightened out too yesterday and told them I only work one day a week, they were supposed to get back to me but didn't. So now I have more fun to deal with next Monday. What a mess! I worked so hard yesterday I forgot to eat lunch until later in the afternoon and I'm Diabetic! I don't know how/why he thinks he can just have me work part time, my job there is definitely full time work. By the time I got done dealing with the State of TX and got the returns filed, I had 1 1/2 hours left to do 40 hours work...it's just not possible. It's insane! Dwayne, I know it'll be harder going back to school at your (our) age but you have one thing in your favor...drive. You WANT this and you will make it happen.

I'm glad you're making plans for Halloween. George loved each and every holiday, season, event, it's kind of hard going through them all without him, he just had so much zest for life that it seems flat without him. I hope you have a good time with your friend!

I love C. S. Lewis, he was an amazing person. He was from the religious world, a world so highly structured and conservative...and yet he dared to transcend higher than mere espoused dogma...he learned to see deeper, to love fully...to be a very real person. He did not separate his spirituality from his love, but rather saw one as an extension of the other. He was an inspiration. Having loved brought so much dimension to his life and only lent so much more to his writings, a legacy for us all.

I just watched this...although it is several years old, I had never seen it. It's about a man who loses his wife of 42 years. The things he discovers after her death...to the reconciling of it all, a journey of self-discovery. His story is not like mine and George's, for we had a great marriage and neither of us took each other for granted, we showed love to each other and had great communication. But in most marriages, there are some secrets, maybe big, maybe small, but we discover some of those private things after our spouse's death. And we deal with it. This movie had humor, it had poignant parts, it may evoke some tears, but I think it was well done. We discover, if we do not realize before, that we miss our spouse so very much and they are irreplaceable. And we have to rediscover or invent ourselves. Somehow...

That picture is amazing. I'm glad you have his letters. I wish in a way that I had mine but I didn't keep them because they are all in my heart and they were meant for me, not others...I did not want anyone else reading them after I'm gone, they were private. I did keep his cards and treasure them. George and I started our relationship out by writing...he'd responded to a letter I'd written to the editor and we corresponded back and forth before meeting...he was very articulate and a gifted writer. At one time I had about ten inches thick of letters from him. I was also afraid if I kept them, I would be tempted to live in the past, it would be easy for me to dwell on what we had and another time, another place would consume today. I realize most of you might choose differently, but we have to do what we have to do to survive this the best way we know how, and that way is sometimes different for all of us.

Oh I felt anger all right, I just don't remember if I screamed or not. I was angry plenty, at God, at George, at the nurse that wouldn't let me be with him, at my sister who wouldn't bring me back to the hospital in time to have a "last talk", at everyone who still got to keep their husbands and life, at people who say stupid things to you when you're grieving, at all his family and our friends that disappeared on me, at life in general. I don't see a whole lot of difference between crying and screaming, they're both ways of venting and both fight what's happened to us, and to-be-expected forms of grief. We just have to go through all of it, if we suppress it or try to avoid it...it's still there waiting for us to go through it.

It is for us that we cry, for they are at peace and we know that they lived good lives and had people that loved them. I don't know if that helps but I hope it does. I feel guilty that I didn't get to mourn Lucky like I should have, it was just two days later that my husband left and I felt that all that I went through with him kind of robbed her of her rightful mourning. She was such a good girl, she deserved better. But I gave her the best life that I could and there was a time that she was happier, when she felt better. It was the right time to put her to sleep, I didn't want her to continue to suffer. I hope it gets better for you soon.

Bob, It's not surprising to me that it's harder for you now than it was at first, I think at first we're in shock and it's after everyone goes home and time passes that reality seems to set in. At first we expect them to walk through the door or be on the other end of the phone but after time passes we realize that's not happening. It takes time for us to get used to this and all the more so the longer you've been together. It does help to express yourself and be heard, but I really don't know of any cure for the inner pain. I do know this is a wonderful site and a great group of people and it helps to know we are not alone, that there are others that understand and care. Kay

Rachel, I went through something similar about three years ago. My dog was 14 and had to be put down due to a lot of problems...my husband was not only there for me but disappeared altogether...I had to file a missing person's report to find out what happened...turns out he had a GF for a couple of months and chose that time to go live with her in our new motor home, sticking me with all of his bills (he even quit his job and went into hiding). So now I was grieving my dog, my husband and marriage, and everything I knew was turned upside down on me. In my situation it helped to keep busy, with the holidays approaching and dealing with the million details of divorce, that wasn't hard to do. The pain inside felt unbearable, but I got through it. And after a few months I got another dog, and that was the best thing I ever could have done, he was perfect for me, happy, upbeat, fun, a joy to be around. You are not responsible for your BF's choices, please don't own that, he needs to. The timing was atrocious, for him to leave you when you were most vulnerable. I'm so sorry, it will get better. Try to reach out even to old friends. Maybe it's a good time to try to reconnect?

Debbie, I'm not sure death IS "God's will", it certainly wasn't a part of his original plan. I think God is NOT in charge of this world right now and a lot of random things are happening. That's just my take. The part I struggled with is why didn't He intervene when He has the power to? That is something I had a hard time understanding. It took me a long time to let that go and just accept what is, is. It still doesn't mean I like it. I wish I had an answer for getting through the loneliness because that's something I still struggle with after all this time. I would give the rest of my life gladly just to be held by him one more time. It seems we never forget we are alone. I always liked being alone part of the time, but it's different when it's foisted upon you and you have to be alone in life all of the time. It's different when you have no partner to turn to, no one to truly care or listen and talk to. No one to share meals with or attend things with. No one to share the financial and chore burdens. No one to hold you. My dog helps tremendously, I don't know what I'd do without him, it'd be unbearable. Sometimes I have to leave the house just to get out, go to the park, drop by a friend's for coffee, something, anything. It's been esp. hard since I've been out of work. I just read an article about stress and it mentioned telecommuters and unemployed esp. have to make an effort to connect.

Becky, I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. I remember cleaning out George's car and it was really hard but I think the hardest thing for me was cleaning out his trailer. He lived in it during the work week because of the distance to his job, and it was full of his things, it seemed so much him!l I literally wailed loud enough to be heard down the street when I cleaned it out. In retrospect, I wish I'd waited until I could have my daughter or someone with me to do it, it was way too hard. I'm also sorry to hear about your dog. I had to put my 14 year old dog down because she was having a lot of problems and it was the same week my husband chose to leave me, it was very tough. Sometimes double whammies are really hard but somehow we survive them, I guess that's about all we can ask for. I'm glad you have a beautiful park where she can rest in peace.

I don't remember screaming, but certainly crying, and I suppose both are just different venues of outlet. How is your friend with the cancer doing? I asked myself all of the whys until I realized it was futile, I never got any answers. Why did George die instead of someone else? Why did I lose my job? Why was the only one that would hire me last time someone who would treat me with disrespect and not pay me on time? Why did lose this job? Why did the market have to turn upside down and ruin the value of my home and stop the sale of houses just when I need it? Why am I 59 and facing so much stress and uncertainty about my future? Why am I alone at this age? Why me? No answers. I feel like my asking "why" just accentuates my powerlessness, so I try to keep going and do what I can do and accept what I can't change or do anything about. It's neat that you have a place to go to to put flowers (on Jane's grave). I had George cremated and spread his ashes in our back yard...it's going to be tough when I leave this place because I want him with me, but I know it's figurative...it's just that emotion doesn't always have to make sense.