kayc

I have another job interview tomorrow at 11:00 am PST. I am nervous because they want someone with QBPro exp and I used the 2003 version but they have 2010 version and it's changed a lot, I currently use QBOE but it little resembles the Pro version. They want someone immediately that can step right into the job without their showing them anything...I don't know how realistic that is but if they get someone who has more recent Pro exp. they'll probably go with them even though I have done and can do everything the job requires. I'm VERY nervous! I'm also nervous because the snow level is dropping and I still don't have a truck. If I get a job, I will definitely need one right away. Those who pray, please pray for me that God will work out all details according to His will. This is one of the things that's hard about being widowed (or divorced), there is no spouse to fall back on in had times or to encourage you through things like this. Your support means everything to me! Kay

I read a while back that when we pet our animals it makes us feel good just like when we hold our babies, so it's no wonder we feel about them like they are our children. They are dependent on us and we have such a close relationship, it's natural we feel huge loss when we lose them. People who don't have or love animals can't begin to understand. (I have a sister who constantly tells me I should get rid of my dog, that he limits my options...to which I reply, my dog is my life, what do options matter if I lose my very life?!). As I learned when I lost my husband, the loss and grief continues but eventually we get better at coping with it so it seems to us it lessens, although we miss them just as keenly and it can hit us out of the blue at any given moment. I rarely cry over my husband now, it's been over six years, but I miss him just as much as I did the day he died. There is that "George shaped void" in my heart, just as there is with each of my special animals I've lost. Time will pass and the pain will not be as keenly felt, but they will continue to live on in your hearts as they did when they were alive.

Oh Dave, this is WONDERFUL news! I am so glad to hear it!

Deb, I'm glad you got a chance to write the letter and hope it brings you peace and comfort to know you've gotten your say. I STILL write to George, talk to him, etc. Okay, people can declare me legally insane if they want, but it's odd, we'd talked about this before he died (we hadn't known he was going to die, let alone so soon) and we both felt we'd do this, talk to the other when they were gone. Dwayne, You say they can hear us up to two hours after their death? I hope it's not that long because a friend's wife went into George's hospital room after he died and kissed him goodbye...she came out crying, that really bothered me and I was glad he was dead and didn't know it because he would have been greatly distressed to learn that his best friend's wife developed more feelings for him than she should have. I felt really weird about it, I didn't like it at all, and if not for the shock of his death I don't know how I might have responded. I've always felt that there is that "transition period" between this life and what comes because of the people who are clinically dead and brought back with paddles or something...they have recounted hearing us, etc. But I always thought it was just a short time...does anyone else know any information on this?

Dwayne, I know this must have been a disappointment to you. Sometimes when we're in the middle of something it's hard to see how/why is this happening like this? I felt that way losing my job and breaking my elbow. I look back now and think how in the world would I have kept up the grueling pace of commuting so far with a stick shift and working full time as well as keeping up at home? It was a blessing it occurred while I was only working one day/week and for anything else that comes up on my job, I telecommute from home. I hope this additional time before you start your schooling brings you extra strength. Once you start school, you will be very busy...I hope you can stop and smell the roses while you have the chance, it may be a long while before that opportunity presents again. You have been such an inspiration to us with your positive focus...

Pam, That was how I felt when I had two falls one week apart...I broke my nose, damaged my teeth (I just learned yesterday that my front tooth the canal cracked all the way across and I need a bridge or implant $3000-$4000), bruises and abrasions everywhere, seriously fat lip, broken right elbow, and pulled ligament/tendon. I was told I couldn't drive for at least a week (and of course my car is a stick shift) and oh by the way, get someone else to walk your 90 lb. dog that no one but you can handle. I couldn't even get my pants up and down, I couldn't open a Rx bottle, I couldn't open a can, couldn't chop food, lift a pan of water, take out the garbage or anything else. All I wanted was for George to come back. I knew if he was here, he would take care of me, but he's gone, I didn't know what I'd do. Somehow I survived it. I got someone to mow the lawn, I hauled groceries and garbage with the wheelbarrow, I walked the dog left handed and somehow he was amazingly good! I got my neighbor to open bottles/cans for me. I wore loose dresses that first week. I drove even when it hurt to because I had to get to work, but the first week I telecommuted. I figured out if I opened the drawer on my computer hutch, put a board on it, I could lower my mouse/pad, making it more comfortable for my arm, and even manage to ice it while I worked! My house still needs painted and I'm sure there's a lot of things around here that need attention, but I do what I can and try not to worry about the rest. I think the harder part isn't the physical things they did around the place for us, but that we are missing their arms around us, their telling us everything will be okay. At those times, I remind myself that George still loves me, he just isn't able to tell me right now, and I remember the things he would tell me if only he were here.

It's important to note, too, that not everyone goes through each and every stage, and not all in that order. It's good to keep in mind that if we do go through these stages, what is happening, and hopefully our loved ones will be aware and understand.

Melina, The first thing I want to do is give you a big hug, and I wish it could be in person instead of cyber. Us women are emotional creatures and sometimes our emotions are a challenge, especially when people push our button. Honestly, I wouldn't do anything right now...right now you're in the heat of the moment, give it some time and see how it goes. Usually if someone attacks me, I like to give it a little time and space and then deal with it, it gives emotions (theirs and mine) a chance to settle before we can effectively communicate. Most places have set hours and they expect you to be there between those hours even if you do get your job done. That makes it hard when you're grieving because you don't always get a good night's sleep. I've had times where I've been snowed in and the plows hadn't come and I COULDN'T go to work until they came by, so it's important to me to have a boss that's reasonable and understanding about what I can't control. Conversely, I have done my best to always be at work on time the rest of the time, even when no one else was and even if no one was there to see. I have been fortunate that I can telecommute, would that be a possibility for your job? That way you can get the work done regardless of what hours and they don't seem to notice if you're there at your desk at 8:00 sharp. It might help to talk to your boss and point out that your work is done, the clients like you, etc. It could be he doesn't understand what it's like to not get asleep until time to get up and then go perform a good job. Usually if you present something in a way that they can see it's a benefit to THEM they are more open to it. Maybe if you told him you want to work at optimum performance so you try to get enough sleep before coming in to do the job? Let him know he can count on you and you're willing to work outside of normal work hours when they need you...usually they're more willing to give and take if it works both ways. As for the neighbor, it helps to acknowledge someone else's concerns, listen to them...don't try to say anything other than, I'm sorry my dog disturbed you. When you've had time to get your emotions under control, see if you can brainstorm a way to appease everyone and then let the neighbor know of your plans. There's not a lot of control about a barking dog, it's not simple, usually you have to get in the dog's head to figure out what's going on with them in order to correct their behavior. Is there something different in the dog's life? Are you gone more than usual, is he getting less attention? My dog and my son's dog are not barkers, but I've had issues with chewing. I try to keep them happy by walking them on a regular basis, providing chew toys, and for my son's dog, I leave the radio on and the blinds up so they can look out the window, and I have a box of wadded up newspapers that he knows he has permission to shred (so he has a way of expressing his upset about something), no harm done, I clean it up when I get home and nothing's destroyed, it's worked for us. I had a neighbor get onto me one time about Skye howling at 7:00 am when I put him outside and went to work...it was when a neighbor's dog was in heat and they were dumb enough to let their dog run free, tormenting poor Skye. I told my neighbor if she wanted the howling to end, to talk to the neighbor that had the dog in heat and see if they could keep her in. That worked. There's almost always a reason for dog's behavior, it's just a process to find out what it is and how to handle it. I'm sorry you were greeted with an "attack"...some people don't seem to realize they can calmly discuss things instead of reacting out of anger. There is a guy at my job that has real anger issues. He would call up and yell at us...I responded by calming telling him I would be happy to discuss it when he was calmer, and then I'd hang up. Usually he'll call back in an hour and then have a discussion. I've instructed other employees to handle it the same way, it seems to have worked. No one needs or should stick around for abuse. I won't. If they want to talk to me, I'm happy to listen, but they must first calm down. Maybe this approach would work with your neighbor? We have to also demonstrate calmness and control when requiring it from them too. Good luck on both situations, I'm sure there's a solution outside of moving...the thing about moving is, you could get an even worse boss or neighbor, there's just no guarantees.

Jane, I'm hoping each day will get a little better...sometimes it hard to see progress when we're in it, it's only when we look back we can see any measure of improvement. Thinking of you today... (((hugs))) Kay

Dave, my thoughts are with you and will pray for your dad too. I'm so sorry, I don't know why things happen one on top of another, you've had enough to deal with. Let's hope the doctors can get this turned around...try really hrd not to project what happened to Mike to happen to your dad, it might have a different outcome, let's hope. Kay

FB won't let us view it, probably because we aren't on your list. I can relate to the emotion when seeing her fur...it's things like that that really get us. I thought it was neat that the vet offered to take her home because my last dog, Lucky, had that affect on people too. In fact, when we kenneled her, they'd take her into their bedroom with them and their own pet, something unheard of! She was a sweet obedient dog and she was scared so much (she was a whippet, we called her a whimpet) so I think they wanted to give her reassurance, plus they knew she'd be no trouble. NO ONE would ever offer to do that with my current dog! He's been known to each furniture, etc...kind of like the dog on Marley and Me only a whole lot cuter and more personality. Ahh, each one is special in their own right, but it's just every once in a while you find that one that is a perfect fit with your family, and it sure makes loss so very hard.

LOH, Well you've found the right place to come to and it doesn't cost anything. This is a very good caring group of people who've all gone through it. What you are experiencing is so normal for the circumstances. I think the motivation and purpose in life is one of the hardest things to get back. I'm not sure I'm entirely there yet but I'm a whole lot better than I was in the beginning. I am very sorry for your loss. Anniversaries seem to serve as a reminder, as if we need reminding, it's never off our minds anyway, but it does seem to trigger some reactions in us. Maybe try to plan the day with others and not be alone? My thoughts are with you...

Pam All the same, I am so glad you did because it shows you're focusing on yourself and that is a healthy thing.

Yeah, I agree, but the trouble is I've lost my contacts. When I worked in Oakridge my reputation preceded me and helped me get work, I knew people, but now I've been commuting five years I've lost my contacts. Incidentally, I received an email from a place Friday but I checked them out and they're a scam.

Deb, There's nothing to say we can't have male friends. We can share meals, conversation, play cards, go on hikes, watch t.v. (if we can find anything on). We can be there for each other, give each other rides, we don't have to enter into a relationship or "get involved" that way. After George died, the thought of spending the next forty years alone scared me. Now it doesn't. We have to give ourselves time to adjust, and it does take time. We have to realize there IS no one like the person we lost. By the same token, we can't be so afraid of going through loss again that we close ourselves off to possibilities. We all know that if we care for someone, at some point, one of us is going to experience loss. I've lost so many friends over the years, to moving, to death, but I don't want to close myself off from having a friend again because I might lose them or have to experience change again. It seems like fear is the worst reason in the world to do something...or to not do something.

Today in Sunday School the topic seemed to address our recent situation here, and it was very interesting what was shared. it was about the following: *Honoring, preferring others (putting them ahead of yourself) *Showing respect *Speaking softly *Listening and being slow to speak We talked about ways to do that, and ways not to. Methodology is important. Demonstrate by how you live your life more than the words you speak. I am reminded of a scripture where it talks about teaching your children, it says "in the way", meaning, when you are going along together, in other words, it's not necessarily a set aside time that you teach them, but it comes from how you live your life in front of them, with them. I tried to keep this in mind as I raised my own children. They pick up more from what you demonstrate than what you tell them. Adults really aren't a whole lot different! If someone is kind to us, gentle, meek, forgiving, caring, we are more apt to pay attention than someone who rams things down our throat which seldom has the desired effect, it drives people away instead. This post isn't intended to be responded to, just something to ponder for thought. My love to each of you on this site that means so much to me. Kay

In the beginning, when I lost my husband, I hated the word "acceptance" or "move on". Move on to what? It's been over six years and I still haven't figured that out. But gradually I did begin to "accept", which by the way, does NOT equate with "like" or "agree with", but merely realizing they're gone and there's nothing you can do about it. A week is much too early to expect acceptance, it takes time. I also hated that phrase because it meant there was nothing I could do to help it alone, I couldn't speed it up, and I didn't like waiting for time to pass. But that's the neat thing about time, eventually it DOES pass and it helps. In the meanwhile, I found there were things I could do to help myself in this grief journey. I could talk to others about it, express myself, and that seemed to lend value to what I was going through. Sharing that journey with others such as I found here on this site, it was my lifesaver. Little things I did to memorialize him, such as hanging his stocking at Christmas and us putting pieces of paper on which we'd written what he meant to us, that helped. I gave his clothing (most of it, I kept favorites that reminded me so much of him, such as his fishing hat and vest, and his bathrobe) to Sponsors (a group that helps newly released inmates transition back into society), a cause I knew he would approve of...for my husband was a very caring person that would have given the shirt off his back to someone who needed it. I put together a huge collage of pictures depicting his life and displayed it at his memorial service, and sent copies to his children. I realize these are not things you'd do for a dog, but I did lose a family pet dog once, Fluffy, and we made a cross and put it in the ground where he is buried, and on that cross are his favorite words "go", "treat", "good boy", etc. Those are the kinds of things that help us when we lose a beloved dog, everyone finds their own way, but it helps to do something to honor them. Some people volunteer their time or donate to a cause "in honor of them", and that's another consideration. I've found after a few months it has helped me to get another dog, they don't replace each other, I wouldn't even try, they're unique in their own way, but it does help to have a new one in our lives even if they're totally different. I wish it didn't take time to heal the wound of our hearts. Kay

Jane, It took my husband and I most of our lives to find each other and when we did, we were inseparable. From the very beginning, we felt each other's hearts and could relate to each other, we had the most amazing love, communication, and faith in each other. Unfortunately, we were only married 3 years and 8 months when his life was abruptly cut short with a heart attack...we hadn't even known until that weekend that he HAD a heart problem, he looked the picture of health but his energy had waned and his breath was short...he was trying to quit smoking, although it was much too late. Time eases the pain in our hearts, but the missing them doesn't ever seem to go away, a tribute to our love. If I lost my dog I'm afraid it would hit me as keenly as George's death did, although it would not affect me on as many levels as losing co-provider, the person who did half the chores, the person who looked at me appreciatively when I dressed up, the person who held me in his arms and in his heart each day...that person is irreplaceable. But losing a dog or a beloved cat can also strike us very hard, they love so unconditionally and we open our hearts fully to them. They become so much a part of our lives, our routines. I can't imagine living without my dog now, I only know we don't get asked if we think we can or what we want, sometimes we just have to deal with what we're handed and try and do our best anyway, and sometimes, that's tough. My heart goes out to you. Kay

I'm so sorry your time with Bubbles had to come to an end...I personally choose to believe we'll be reunited with our animals again someday, I certainly hope so. It sounds like your Bubbles means as much to you as my Arlie does to me...when I read that you took the frame off your bed so it'd be easier for her to join you, that really got to me, that is the kind of thing I would do for my dog. I just want to say that your dog was so fortunate to have you as her family, just as fortunate as you were to have her. I wish there were something I could say to ease the pain in your heart, but all I know to do is listen and care. She sounds like a wonderful dog that will be greatly missed. (((hugs))) Kay

That is so cool. I can't comment on your children you're fostering because I don't know them or their situation, but they can be taught to respect other's situations even if they don't relate. I wonder if you got another animal at some point and brought them in on the selection process if they'd feel more of a kinship with the animal? As for your grief and loss, I'm sure it's tremendous and who knows how long the pain will continue. I am single and my dog is everything to me...if I lost him, well, I don't know if I could ever be the same, he literally is my world. I know it's something I will undoubtedly face someday and yet I try to push it out of my mind. When the time comes, I will have to focus on being thankful for the time we did have and having had him in my life...just like I had to when I lost my sweet husband. It's tough, no matter how you cut it.

Tom, Thanks for checking in, I've wondered how you're doing. I'm glad you're busy, that's good! You're moving on and that's good too. She's no longer your main focus and that's as it should be. Good luck to you! Kay

I have a file in my computer called "letters to George", it's ongoing, I write to him whenever I feel the need to. It consoles me that somehow he might know what I write...I know, it may be silly, but don't tell me otherwise, leave me in my ignorant bliss, it helps me all the same.

I'm sorry...I only got 3 years 8 months being married to my husband, so I know how it feels to feel ripped of it. It has nothing to do with what we deserve though, some just luck out and others don't, it's luck of the draw. I don't believe for one second that someone planned that we get ripped apart so soon, I can't handle that kind of thinking, nope, I just think life happens or it doesn't and in our case, we missed out...but looking at it another way, we lucked out the day we met them and for whatever time we got, we got more than some people who are married 50 years. I'm sorry it seems even harder now, hang in there, it gets more bearable, even though the missing them part never goes away. (((hugs))) Kay

Harry, I have written on here so much that I'm not sure which thread in particular you're referring to, but anyone can read about my heartbreak after remarrying...it is posted in the very beginning of "Loss of Love Relationships" because Marty so caringly started that section when a couple of us were going through having our hearts broken following being preyed on in our vulnerable state. It's enough to make anyone proceed with caution!

Stacyines, Your question is a good one. I remember that time, even though it was over six years ago, like it was yesterday, it stands out in my mind because it was one of the hardest times I've experienced. One of the things that helped me was taking my power back in ways that I could (I felt a loss of power when George was ripped from me with no input from me as to what I wanted!) One of the things I could do was to take care of myself physically. It not only restored my sense of power, but it helps your brain, and it also helps you feel better to eat well and get regular physical exercise. I also took great comfort in my pets. I read a study a while back that said when we pet our dogs we get the same endorphins released as when we take care of our babies, I hadn't known that, but it actually makes a person FEEL better! I learned to take one day at a time. Sometimes even that was too much and I had to break it down to an hour at a time or a minute. I tried not to look at the whole rest of my life because that would be biting off more than I could chew. Yes we have to plan for our future to some extent, but in the early grieving days, it seems best to stick to the time at hand. It's good not to make big permanent decisions...we have to recognize and realize that our brains are super-taxed at this time and may not be up to snuff, so to speak. Our brains have been jolted to the extent it may change us indefinitely...that is not necessarily a bad thing or a good thing, it just is. How can we come through so much and not expect to be affected by it? And I had to learn to be gentle and understanding of myself, recognizing I'd been through a whole lot. I learned to stand up for myself...when people said/did stupid things, I grew some more backbone and spoke my mind...trying to be sensitive and tactful where I could, but learning to be outspoken where I had to be too. (Some people let tact go right over them and you have to be more blunt with them). I had to learn to accept help. There were some things that George did that are beyond my ability and I had to recognize that. As someone recently wrote to me, she stated she had to learn to do what she could and let go of the rest. That applies particularly to us widowed homeowners that don't have the brawn or aptitude for certain tasks around the place. I've learned there are some widows that appreciate a home-cooked meal and some of us who appreciate someone fixing something around the house and we can help each other out as friends. Most of what I remember of that first year is a fog...I remember feeling frantic and scared, hurting, angry. I came to realize that you will experience the whole gamut of emotions and all of them are understandable and valid and something to be gotten through. I learned to do my grief work, that there is no way to circumvent it, no way to avoid it, that you can try but in the end it will still be waiting for you and haunting you...so it's okay to vent, okay to cry, okay to scream, okay to withdraw, okay to avoid, okay to do whatever you have to do to get through this moment and it will change from time to time and you'll pass through different phases, and you'll have so many emotions, some of them conflicting...all of that is okay and as Marty has said, we all experience our own journey differently and do what is best for us. Oh and as some have pointed out, and as I have observed in others, drowning your sorrow in alcohol or drugs or even another relationship does not ultimately seem to help anything...in the end, the grief is still there to be dealt with. And that's what we're all here for, we're here for each other and to go through it together. My hugs and best wishes to you. I like that you have a goal, to turn this to a positive by becoming a suicide advocate...it may take time, but what a good goal to realize! As so many here have stated, helping others is a positive for those grieving. Kay