kayc

Dave, all I can say is, "WOW!" This is so amazing that she could know all of this without knowing you or being told, too many things to be coincidence. Somehow there must be a way for spirits to communicate for it's surely happened for you. And I am so glad your father will be okay, that must have been a relief for you to hear. Incidentally, I went to see my mom a couple of days ago. As many of you know, my mom was not a good mother, she has always been mentally ill and abusive and age hasn't helped any as she has paranoia and dementia, among other mental illnesses. She is so cute, she's very tiny and I swear she gets cuter every time I see her. The visit went fairly well considering and about as well as can ever be expected and so I'm thankful for that. With her I just have to keep giving her fresh starts and forgiving her daily and as hard as it is to live with, recognize that she is not well mentally and try not to hold it against her for the horrific things she's said and done to all of us kids all of our lives. One day she will be gone and I honestly don't know how I'll feel then. I'm just so thankful for my siblings, they're wonderful and I'm glad we have each other...no one else could begin to understand like we do with each other.

I know, Suzanne, it is impossible to understand. Somewhere along the way I accepted it, but I never agreed to it or liked it. I only know this is what is. My George just turned 51 five days before he died I don't get it either, I still needed him. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time...(((hugs))) Kay

Well I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers but I don't think this is the one. I don't have a good feeling about it at all...the person that interviewed me is an owner in a family run business. The family gets all of the good positions and they hire people to do the grunt work. It doesn't sound like a place that appreciates employees or treats them well, but more like uses them and is very demanding. They are also lower paying than I can take, I would be going in the hole several hundred dollars every month, which you can't afford to do for long. I think I'll just keep looking. I'll let you know if something else comes up. God knows just what I need and He is capable...

Thank you for opening up to us and sharing with us about what took your BF's life. You would think someone in the medical profession would know better, but it just goes to show that anyone can be prey to this. Avoid anything you haven't consulted a doctor about and even then, question your doctor, they don't always prescribe right either. Always check out medication on line before taking, don't assume your doctor has checked what all drugs you are taking and side effects. I had a doctor prescribe valium for me above my protests. I took it two days and it didn't help and when I researched it and learned just how addictive it is and how long it takes to break the addiction, I researched alternative drugs, went back to my doctor and told him what I wanted. It has worked great for me ever since. We have to assume some degree of responsibility for our own health. By the same token, don't take yourself off of something without consulting your doctor, particularly antidepressants. Normally they want to do so gradually and monitor it. You really can't accept the fallout for this, this was his decision.

I am so so sorry. I can't help but feel that if the accident had not happened, you two would still be together, happy and in love. But it did happen, and it changed the course of both of your lives...it is not his fault, it is not yours, it just is what it is, not unlike the death of my husband that shockingly forever changed my life into a "before...and after" from that moment. My sister had a car accident 43 years ago...it damaged her brain, left her baby son dead and her a quadriplegic. Her memory is clear, she is still as smart as she always was, but she was altered...not only physically, but she became paranoid. She hears voices, and she thinks computers are trying to take over her brain, and she thinks her baby son is now a man living in Texas and she saves up things to "take to Texas" with her when she goes. Of course, he's not alive and she'll never go there. We humor her, what else can we do? To stress that he is dead would hurt her and she would not believe us. She is now 68 years old...any measure of happiness we can allot her we view as a good thing. She has been on medication for the paranoia and it seemed to help her mental state, but it left her with physical ramification which combined with her quadriplegia, she found unacceptable...it took away the tiny bit of physical control she could muster, so she has opted to live with the paranoia so she can continue to lift her fork or her cup of coffee to her mouth or laboriously sign a greeting card to us for our birthdays. Although his paranoia is not exactly the same as hers, please realize it is paranoia all the same, brought about by this injury, and paranoia can display in many different forms. Your friend might be helped by medication. It, unfortunately, does come with side affects...only he can try it and decide which outweighs the other in measure of benefit. Unless you are privy to what his doctors say, you cannot know their prognosis or how all he is affected by his injuries. It is possible they might benefit from knowing what you have witnessed in deciding a course of treatment for him, but they will not be able to tell you anything because of privacy laws. You ask what can you do...the same as all of us who have lost someone we love...it takes time. It doesn't seem to matter what the reason is that separates us, whether death or injury of their grieving or change of heart...it takes time to heal the wounds of a broken heart and broken dreams. It helps to keep busy, talk to a doctor if you suffer from depression or have difficulty sleeping. Be careful not to isolate yourself unduly. Life will come back for you gradually but oh how we all wish time would speed up when we are suffering from such grief! My heart goes out to you. This was a freak accident. I've learned it doesn't do any good to ask "why" but rather to ask myself "what now?" What now is what you will have to discover..."why" reverberates back with a hollow empty sound of nothingness. Good luck to you in your journey. Perhaps with time you can view your time together as a special time, a time when two souls met and shared and felt each other's heart beat. I'm sorry it changed.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. He was a heel to not be completely up front and honest with you. You are fortunate to be rid of such a heel and I'm afraid I find him undeserving of your love. I've heard it said "he who cares the least, holds the most power." Unfortunately, I have found this to be true. However, in a true wonderful reciprocal love, no such game playing or keeping count is necessary. I had such wonderful complete mutual love with my late husband...this is now the standard to which I measure love by. Do both in the relationship place each other of utmost importance? Do both feel they can't imagine life without the other? Is the relationship healthy and positive for both? Do both feel that the other somehow brings out the best in them, helping them to be the best they can be? Be wary of anyone who doesn't introduce you readily to family and friends. Be wary of anyone who lies outright or by omission. Good luck to you in your future...you are now free to meet someone more qualified to be your partner...should you wish it.

And thank YOU very much for writing! I always look forward to reading a new chapter.

I have an interview tomorrow (2:30 pst)...I'm trying not to let myself feel anything because I don't want my hopes dashed...also it's 1 3/4 hours away...in GOOD weather, that means an extra hour of driving per day beyond what I was doing, which was bad enough...it could be double that in bad weather. It's for a swimming pool company, so I'm not sure how stable that would be in our present economy. But still it's encouraging that SOMEONE liked my resume enough to call me in for an interview, that's great in itself! I covet your prayers that the outcome would be in God's will.

Thank you for sharing this with us, it's amazing!

[Janine, I am sorry you lost your husband, it affects every aspect of our lives so it's no wonder it's such a hard thing to go through. I am glad you found this site, we will listen to you and care, we've all been there, but it really helps to express what you're going through. I'm glad you have kids, they will be going through their own grief but all of you can be there for each other. Please keep coming here... (((hugs))) Kay

Stacyines, I wish I could put my arms around you and make you feel better. I know this is probably going to take a while for you to work through. If you don't get anything else out of this please listen to and believe these words: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT! Your BF committed a horrific act on impulse. There is no fight that can't be gotten through worked out, nothing worth committing suicide over. He was in pain and thus expressed it in the most extreme way. He didn't think it through, it wasn't his plan to make you suffer the rest of your life...in fact, he didn't have a plan at all, it was impulse, sheer impulse. Please don't accept what his family or friends try to lay on you. For crying out loud, Honey, you're 20 years old! You're a kid yourself, you are not responsible for this young man's taking his life. Yes you had plans to marry and have kids, had plans to finish your education, had plans to spend your lives together, and now his act has changed everything. Suicide is the most selfish act one can commit, I'm sorry, but it wasn't purposeful, it simply wasn't thought out. It will take you a while to work through all of this and forgive him for what he did to you, to both of you, and to his family and friends. PLEASE get some help in working through this, their are grief counselors, you can contact a counselor through your school and get a referral for some help, don't try to do this alone. I am so glad you ARE here, I am so glad because you still have your life to live and even though it doesn't seem good right now, it will change. Your life will not always be like it is today, please believe that, it will get better eventually. Do you have any close family or friends around that can be supportive of you right now? Meanwhile, please keep coming here, voice yourself, we will listen, we will care, we'll be here for you, okay? (((hugs))) Kay

Dwayne, Thanks for the update...I have never tried a marathon and don't intend to start now, the most I've ever walked in one day was 17 miles and I would have been fine with it if it hadn't been on concrete but unfortunately concrete is very unyielding and I'm used to soft trails. 2-5 miles/day is more my speed.

Nats, I am very happy for you, changes like that can be very disruptive, I'm glad you don't have to go through it. And the butterfly was a great touch!

Dwayne, didn't they say once before that they saw something in your lungs? We'll have to keep on praying, I know you want so much to start your nursing classes and I hope this week goes well for you and you continue to improve!

Beth, You do whatever brings you comfort...carry his ashes around if it helps you. As for his family, the ashes belong to you and you have the best idea of what he would have wanted...it is okay to do that. Maybe you can send a small amount to his mom to do with as she wants.

Everything you say is normal and doesn't surprise me in the least. It is common to push back grief by keeping busy. When we experience new losses, be it a person or job or home or health, it triggers the old loss and makes it all magnified and fresh. You've found a very caring place to be where others are going through the same thing, we are here for you.

I tend to think of practical issues and wonder if it could have legal financial ramifications for you as it could assail his "estate". You might want to consult legal counsel before doing anything. I'm sorry, I just think of these things... I don't know if it would help the family to know or if it would stir up things that they've just finally laid to rest, who can know. Anyone out there that's been through something like this? If so, what are your thoughts?

Melina, (((hugs))) Kay

Zubeir, It is good to hear from you again and I'm glad you have someone who is good to you. I'm also glad you feel that getting away was a good decision for you! Kay

Cheryl made me cry with her gesture, that was so sweet, this really is a wonderful group of people, is it any wonder I still come here after six years?! Dwayne, I'm glad you are in the choir...I was in choir today too as well as helping on the morning worship team. This heat wave we've been having is draining me, it saps my energy, I haven't done anything all day and now need to walk the dogs in it. But I'm thankful it's not a tornado or snow, it could be worse! I was proud I'd been able to keep my Diabetes at bay so that's why I felt a failure when I had to join the ranks of all those who require "help" managing it. Ahh well, my body is what it is, bad genes and all...I continue to walk twice a day and eat healthy and am active, don't know what more I can do. Well the dogs are calling me to come walk them (one at a time now)...

I think LIMBO is a perfect word to describe where we find ourselves "afterwards". Not feeling the energy/purpose/drive to do the things that we used to do together, even things we know we have to do...like cleaning out a storage shed. It's as if we try to put off those things. We feel lackluster and don't find real joy and purpose like we used to have. Oh we know there are the little joys, maybe seeing grandchildren (which I don't have yet) and our pets keep us going, and some find purpose like Dwayne enrolling in nursing, but for so many of us, no matter how much time passes, we feel we are stuck in this limboland where life is not the same and we don't know how to get back to how we used to feel. The truth is, we don't. Those days, those dreams, those feelings, that sharing, that is gone. But we do find it life more cope able than it used to be, we don't cry as often, we learn to live with our loss and our aloneness, although some days are still a struggle. We stop expecting them to come back and rescue us from this lethargy of non-existence. We stop listening for their voice that we know will not come. We stop hoping to see them come in through the door. We get new jobs, we move, we make new friends...but still, there is something inside of us that seems missing...and it is. For me it is that George-shaped hole in my heart...and that is a tribute to him, to how much he meant to me, how much he affected my existence, how much he wormed his way into my heart...that "missing him" ache that continues day after day no matter what I do. Something funny has happened to me this year...I don't try to replace him or squelch the pain or emptiness...I accept it, it just is what it is, and it is how things will be the rest of my life, and I've learned to live with it. This IS my life, it's all that I have. It has it's phases...I had a phase where George was in it and now that phase has passed and I am alone, but it's okay, if I talk to him or write to him and people think I'm nuts, that's okay too...this IS my life as I know it. Will I ever know true happiness again? I doubt it, not like I had, but I have accepted this is my life and this is it's newest phase, and if I find a little joy here and there along the way, that is good.

I don't believe we just "cease to exist". I haven't "seen signs" nor do I think everyone does. Life, to me, seems to change form...some believe in another place you go to, some believe in reincarnation, but pretty much all of us believe people continue on in our memories and hearts. It's is hard for me to believe that George, as vibrant as he was, could just suddenly not be...it makes more sense to me that he is somewhere, and I don't try to figure it all out, I don't have to know all of the answers, just accept that this is what is now and I believe we will be reunited again some day...but our spirits aren't ever that far away.

Well you seem to be realizing things a lot faster than the rest of us did...it's been 13 months yesterday since Jim broke up with me and I am just realizing some of these things after a year away. I wish him well too but no longer trust or have my heart open.

Patty, Thank you for giving us an update, it is encouraging to hear. Mary just posted a link in "three Unbearable Days" that was very good, I wish I could have read it six years ago, it would have aided my journey...I hope you get a chance to look at it.

Thank you Mary. I like what she said, "I prefer to call these emotions “dark,” because I like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom." I have never thought of it in that way.