Meaning

[kayc]

You are so right, Gwen.  When I was married to my kids' dad (23 years) we had a lot of friends, but when we divorced, they disappeared overnight.  When George and I married, we built friendships together, and when he died, they disappeared too.  I've built some since, but so many have died or moved or fizzled, I just don't have a special friend close by anymore.  I used to make friends easily, but it seems way harder now, I think for all the reasons you stated.

[brat#2]

It's so true and truly is sad that not only did we lose our partner in life, almost immediately after that loss,  we lost friendships and a social life.  It's almost like we have some horrible disease that no one wants to be around.  I'm sorry I'm not the same person I was when my life was happy, but I don't think these so called friends would be either after what we have been and are still going through.  I doesn't and never will make any sense to me.

Joyce

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

My list of interested/caring friends or family are so small it doesn't count as a list.  Even at Christmas his family made no effort to ask about my son, their blood relative.  I am becoming so embittered but I can't help it.

Gord's suicide/death was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and this life after just plain doesn't cut it.  Someday I hope I will have the energy and the desire to put some new friends in the void of my life.

[Brad]

Marita - I am experiencing the same thing.  I am trying to reach out and form new friendships but most of these new friendships a pretty far away so they're not the kind of let's meet for coffee or take a quick hike kind of friendships.  Acquaintences typically only ask how I am doing?  I'm at that stage where I don't know if they are asking how I am holding up and progressing with my grief or if the a simply using a socially acceptable greeting where they really don't want to know honestly how I am but instead are fishing for an; "I'm fine (lie). How are you?" so they can tell me about their travels with their mates, friends, siblings, children, etc.

I hope we both find the energy and desire to find new friends.  At my age my interests are becoming more and more narrow and the field to choose from is already pretty limited.

[Gwenivere]

The other night I was laying in bed and realized that Steve and I never talked about if we would see each other again.  He believed in god, but not in an organsized religion way.  I don't have that belief.  I think about all we did talk about regarding his leaving and what we could only imagine that entailed.  Marriage vows are man written and end with 'til death do us part'.  I know no one knows what really is on the other side of our last breath, but now I sure wish I knew what he thought.  I have no idea and tho neither of us could know, it would have been helpful to have talked about our philosophies on that.  I'm really kinda amazed we didn't think to talk about it.  We knew whoever was left behind would carry our love til thier last day.  I only vaguely remember him saying once after losing one dog he adored about seeing her soon as it was about 3 months before he left and he was cradling her just before we set her free from her cancer.  This grief thing sure brings up thoughts endlessly.  

[kayc]

Gwen,

I don't think thoughts of afterlife have much to do with manmade religion or even manmade vows, but what is will be, after all, regardless of our thoughts about it.  That's why I choose to leave my mind open for possibilities...possibilities which I might not know are endless and I hope in them.  When I view the solar systems and see how endless they are, the tons of stars and planets and learn about the intricate details of the sun and planets, I think how limited and finite I am and it opens me to reaching towards beyond...to see there is so much more that I DON'T know than what I do.

[DaveM]

You know, being 7 years older, and at least at present, a cancer survivor, I assumed from the start that I would go first. Besides, I am 66. My older brother died at 66, my Dad at 65, Grandad at 63 and Great-Grandad at 64, so I figured every day is potentially my last. For her to go at 59 is unthinkable. We did have some spiritual discussions, and I feel her nearby at times, but I can barely function. I don't want her to know how much I hurt, but I do want her to know how much I love and miss her.

[Gwenivere]

[Cookie]

The friends thing is hard.  John was my best friend.  We had friends, but we were so complete, just the two of us.  Since he's gone, I've been trying to go out a lot and meet new people, but it's not really my natural way, so I get exhausted with it.  I was thinking about it the other day and realized I feel homesick, meaning I am in my home and I'm homesick.  When I'm with other people I feel homesick.  I can't seem to find a place to rest since he's been gone.  It takes a long time to get that comfortable with other people, but I guess you could say, what else do I have to do....I will keep trying, but, God, I miss him so much.  I get asked all the time "how are you," and I can feel the need of others to hear "fine" coming back.  I usually accommodate.  I can't really go into a detailed explanation of how much pain I'm in....

[Gin]

Cookie,

It is so very hard to make new friends, especially at my age.  I planned to go to a senior group at a local church tomorrow, but I probably won't.  I hate going alone and no one wants to come with.  I go to the health club, but mostly it is just saying "hi" to people.  I just want to come home and then I don't want that either.  

[kayc]

Gin,

I encourage you to try it.  I help at our senior site twice a week and it is the highlight of my week!  I've gotten to know some wonderful people and we have good laughs, it helps to get out.  After going a couple of years or so I'm starting to collect some phone numbers of some of the people, slowly building friendships.

[kevin]

Good Morning, and its a cool one  , close to 5 degrees.....Gin , I find it mandatory for me to get out everyday. And like you said, sometimes its just a familiar nod , but your still getting out there......Being I'm walking again, I've re engaged with a couple of groups and that does help......One or two friendships per year fills up a Calendar pretty quickly......Grief is not a sentence to isolation....you control this...good luck..did I tell you I tried Ball Room dancing(work in progress)...  

[Gin]

Well, I tried.  I went to this gigantic church/school near my house.  I absolutely could not park.  I did not see anyone around the entrance.  They must go in a different door.  The group meets in the chapel, and I knew where that was...but no one around.  Decided to park and look around.  No parking on school days.  Went around and around and saw no one.  Finally went home.  I will call this week and get some info.  All that stress about going there alone, etc. for nothing.  I can stress again next week.

kevin,. I usually go somewhere every day, even if it is only to a store.  Just to get out.  I was hoping to connect with some actual people that I might get to know.  Maybe next week.

[kevin]

Gin ,you did good .........next week start your Adventure earlier and just follow some one....That is the fun stuff..I actually enjoy stumbling around lost, always meet helpful people. After the first or second week, you'll be the one  helping the Newbies.....It will be good

[kayc]

Gin,

There is a lady that lost her husband of 50 years unexpectedly.  It hit her hard as can be expected.  I'm sure it was hard for her to get out on her own but she made herself do it a few times by going to our senior site, and she came to the Grief Support Group yesterday...she attends a different church so I think she was brave to go where she doesn't know people but I'm so proud of her for doing it.  These are all hard steps to take, getting out of our comfort zone...yet the alternative, staying holed up at home and not seeing people, that would be very hard too.

I applaud you for making that attempt, and I hope the next time you try you'll see cars and people and where to go in at...and make it inside.  Baby steps but it brings us to fruition.

[Cookie]

Gin:  I can relate to you.  I've spent 19 months getting out there, trying to meet new people and what I've realized is that it is a SLOW process.  It will take time to get to know people, and, I think what I'm looking for really is a connection that is close, similar to what I had with John.  Now is that barking up the wrong tree or what?  So now I've got to reorient and realize it's just people to get to know superficially at first and maybe, just maybe there will be a good friend, long in the making in there somewhere.  It's hard knowledge when you've lost your best friend and are trying to recreate that closeness......you feel so lonely and there is so much missing...I know...