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Letting Go…

Freeing up space in my soul for life,

Releasing the hurt in my heart.

Not a one time event, but a repetitive act of deliverance from the sharp pain that turns to dull ache and returns to a piercing sting again.

Liberation of the agony of holding on to anger.

Letting Go…

 

Letting Go…

Facing discomfort when the very thought of doing so brings about tightness in my chest.

Working the soreness out of my spirit,

Sitting in anguish only long enough to process the heartache that invades my entire body.

Unshackling the restraints that hold my mind hostage as one thought leads to another, and another, and another.

Letting Go…

 

Letting Go…

Breaking free from the chains that bind me to exasperating anger.

Disentangling my core being with sheer will and resilience.

Surrendering a part of myself in order to retain and restore the rest.

Relinquishing control and allowing myself to just be.

Letting Go…

 

 

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Writing is such a release for me. Thank you for your kind words. 

Tom,

I don't know if letting go is possible. I think if it is, it has to come in one small, tiny molecule at a time, at least for me. I will never let go of the love I have for my John. I don't want to. What I want to work towards letting go of is the hurt and anger. Easier said than done.

Mary Beth

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I've just re entered those stages again....hurt and anger, at over 2 and a half years.   It's odd how the mind finds new things we thought we had forgotten.  Or maybe not because we have so much time now since we aren't moving forward with our mates.  We aren't creating new experiences, just left with what we had. As I once wrote a long time ago here, our novel is finished.  The final chapter written,  be it abrupt or long coming.  It's published now.  Can't even write a sequel unless it's about only one of the characters....us.  When we were penning that book we didn't know about endings.  It was just so great to keep adding pages as time went by.  Dedicated to grief.  

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37 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I've just re entered those stages again....hurt and anger, at over 2 and a half years.   It's odd how the mind finds new things we thought we had forgotten.  Or maybe not because we have so much time now since we aren't moving forward with our mates.  We aren't creating new experiences, just left with what we had. As I once wrote a long time ago here, our novel is finished.  The final chapter written,  be it abrupt or long coming.  It's published now.  Can't even write a sequel unless it's about only one of the characters....us.  When we were penning that book we didn't know about endings.  It was just so great to keep adding pages as time went by.  Dedicated to grief.  

Gwen:  You know, I talked to someone recently who said it took her at least 4-5 years to find hope and for the pain to lift.  Thought I would just share that with you.  It gives me a little hope.  We're both around 2 years out and for me it's still so dark too.  Hugs to you....Cookie

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When I wrote this piece, I was trying to make sense out of running across a medical report from 2005, 11 years prior to John's death. I found it last weekend. It eluded to there being something wrong with his SMA. 11. Years. Later... with little warning and a diagnosis just two months prior. He died...

I am struggling to let go of anger with the medical professionals who brushed off a potential indicator of a problem then. I am angry with myself for not catching it and asking questions. I am even angry with John. Why didn't we follow up? I likely will not ever know why.

Letting go for me doesn't have to do with letting go of my love for John. Letting go has to do with figuring out how to forgive the medical professionals who missed it, forgiving myself for not being on top of it and forgiving John for not demanding follow up. It isn't rational and that is okay.

Relinquishing control of what we, in actuality, have no control of, can be an eye opening step in this perpetual healing. We do not have control over the fact that our loves are no longer with us. We do not have control over what we are left here with, such as emptiness and despair among others. What we do have control over is choice. We can choose to ride out a wave as it crashes into us. It doesn't take the sting away, but having been on the brink of ending my emotional prison in less than healthy ways, I can say that survival through excruciating pain is possible. 

Pain is not the end. It just can't be. Hope has to win. It just has to. I don't mean to sound like one of "those people" who believes that attitude solves it all because it doesn't. Pain is pain, but eventually relief must come if we are to live. Just some thoughts from a rambling person who wants so desperately to hold on while letting go.

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As I once wrote a long time ago here, our novel is finished.  The final chapter written,  be it abrupt or long coming.  It's published now.  Can't even write a sequel unless it's about only one of the characters....us.  When we were penning that book we didn't know about endings.  It was just so great to keep adding pages as time went by.

Gwen, no doubt the life we had with our soul mate was the life we wanted and loved. But, I don't think the "novel" has ended. Yes,  there are no new stories to write with the two of us physically together, only memories of what was. Yet, I don't think we can write off what's yet to come.

I've still got a life to live and who knows where it will ultimately take me. Tammy will always be with me. Her impact on me is never ending. Her love and affection still ring strong in me, heart and soul.

All of our stories are forever intertwined with our past, present and future. And the hope is, some day, we'll be reunited in some way with our beloved. Until then, it's obvious life will be filled with much angst and pain and numerous emotional challenges. I guess this is our "cross to bear" for the deep love we shared. 

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Attitude doesn't change the circumstances, but it might make a difference in our handling it.  Positivity doesn't seem to come automatically, it's something I choose to practice.  It takes effort.  And sometimes it's really a challenge.  But the alternative doesn't look good either.

I don't think there's some set timeline in which "hope" arrives, whether it's 3 years, 5, or ten.  I think my beliefs gave me "hope" from the beginning.  But it did take me a good three years just to process his death.  Finding purpose, building a life for myself that I can live, now that took many more years!  It's a process and none of us are going to go about it the same way or in the same time frame.  I just don't think we should worry about time, how long this or that takes.  It takes what it takes.  We're still here, still breathing, I consider it a feat that we're still doing that at this point!

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

I just don't think we should worry about time, how long this or that takes.  It takes what it takes.  We're still here, still breathing, I consider it a feat that we're still doing that at this point!

But what if that is all you are doing?  I feel dead inside already just waiting for my body to catch up.  Something happened and I've never felt more dead inside.  I can't find solace in anything.  There was a time in this grief there were respite moments.  They are gone.  I know this is extreme depression, but not even my counselors help, tho they really try.  I get to get my feelings out and it is 'our time is up' and I walk out alone to my life again.  I really, really try and understand all the posts about feeling that love is keeping them going when I feel the opposite.  I'm told I'm strong.   I don't feel it.  I can do things that people do living life but I'm only a shell right now.  I read about time making it 'easier' but I am finding the opposite.  Survival?  For what I ask myself.

Maybei should start watching The Walking Dead.  Don't care for thier diet tho.  

No replies necessary.  I've heard it all before.  Even here I feel alone sometimes.   Just needed someplace to try and validate I'm not in the norm about where to find solace.

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I suppose that's why I don't make cards much anymore and I'm considering changing my medicine when I get Medicare...

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On 12/07/2017 at 4:29 PM, scba said:

Yes Gwen, maybe you heard it all before. But we want you to know that we understand, support you and this is your place too. 

I so agree with Ana.  Especially that this IS YOUR PLACE.  None of us want to have a reason to be here but since we have lost our partners this is a great place to call home.

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Thanks  Ana and Marita.  Sometimes the loneliness is so overwhelming.  I had a dream last night I heard Steve's voice.  I was making noise and he said he was practicing his guitar. That would have never bothered him, but it so jarred me awake.  I've 'seen' him in dreams, but never heard his voice.  That voice that could make me melt.  It did again only this time I couldn't reach out to him.  I always wake up in panic but this was almost unbearable.  It haunted me so much that driving home from volunteering  l lost it knowing it was yet another day of coming home to a cold house.  The nursing home was having a grand opening of a big remodel and there were so many people laughing and enjoying life that I cannot grasp anymore. No matter how much I try.  It's like grasping at air desperately hoping you feel something beside pain. Oh yes, I faked another time in a world I don't feel a part of.   I find no solace being on my own either.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.  I haven't a clue of what living used to be.  I do things at the oddest times now.  Housekeeping at midnight because of the restlessness.  Anything to not sit and feel pain.  But eventually you do.  Started what is a fun movie, but it's only a concept I remember, not what I can really feel. No wonder to me I just want to sleep a dark sleep.  If only we could turn off our brains for just a little bit.

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Turning off my brain at night is what I long for.

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