Try sleeping with a broken heart

[scba]

"Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed"

(Alicia Keys)

It's been 4 years

1460 days

Walking on a life that feels like a whole desert

With the awareness of carrying a broken heart.

My therapyst suggested me to think about to make a friend in the new town I live. Nothing deep, just to open up a little more.

I have acquitances here, work colleagues, neighbours, people from yoga. But they're not friends. 

But in the end of everyday I walk home to be alone and to speak to no one.

When my bf was alive, I worked on the weekends to make extra money. Mondays were my day off.

I've now Friday evenings, Sat and Sun free, what a luxury!....for nothing, for just being with me.

I decided to meet a possible friend, someone new in town too. It went all wrong.

I make every single effort every day, to go on, to carry on, to carry with One feet in front of the other.

But  I feel grief has ruined my life and hasn´t healed me.

ITs been too long, 4 years, how many more years. I don't know what went wrong, when everything started to get wrong, cause that's the way it feels. 

I know this too shall pass. It's very difficult to carry a broken heart.

 

Good night to everyone who struggles too to sleep with a broken heart. 

 

 

[Gin]

Ana,. I used to look forward to the weekends, but no more.  Just more unfilled hours.  We used to go to plays on the weekend.  Now there is nothing.  I talk to people, but they are not my friends at the health club.  

[Polly]

Ana,

Yes, it just sucks. I met someone at a grief support group a year and half ago. It was nice to have someone to go out with and do things. Someone to talk to that understood. Every time when things start to get serious I seem to back off. I question whether this is what I want. Am I really happy? I really am not sure. 

[Gwenivere]

Aquitanences are about as close as I get too.  Even those are hard because they are not close so you can’t really spill your soul and they don’t know us well to understand.  I was just sitting out with the guys that use Steve’s studio on so wished I could tell them about some things.  They would listen, I know that, but I knew it wouldn’t fulfill my need.  I don’t know why but I did a masochistic day and took Steve’s van for an oil change and gas.  I’ve been so torn up about him lately It was an odd choice.  It was walking right into the sword of grief.  I keep trying to be 'normal' and do tasks that come up.  But I’m not normal so it’s nuts.  

Ana, you have more optimism than I do.  I don’t know if it will ever pass and I will find  a reason to be here without him.  I hate this new life and after 3 years I don’t want to know how many days it has been.  Waking is this absolute worst now that denial has long ago left the building.  There isn’t anything that fills that void of his absence.  Only sleep and even lasts but a few hours.  I wait my whole day for 2-3 hours of forgetting and then toss and turn rest.  To have lost hat meaning and matter so much to just kind person to this feeling I never will again is crushing

[Marie Lee]

Yes - hand raises- it’s 1:47 am.. struggling to sleep here... not much else to add...

[kayc]

It just goes to show how important someone can become to us, that years later we're all still struggling to deal with their absence.  Ana, I know how hard it is to build friendships, it didn't used to be difficult but it seems people already have their circle and aren't interested in expanding it.  I've worked hard at it and yet I still find myself lacking real true friends, the kind you can call, you know?  One of my sisters is a friend, the kind I can tell anything to (and do), but she hasn't taken care of herself and I know it's just a matter of time before I lose her, and then what?  I can't even imagine life without her, she's always been there.  Other friends have come and gone...they've died or moved or turned out not to be such great friends.  It's hard.  It's like this life is ever evolving and changing, never stays the same.

My best friend though all time is/was George.  Inside our wedding bands it says "SOULMATES THRU ALL TIME"  not until death do us part.  We never dreamed death would come so soon.  Thru all time, or T.A.T. as he used to write it.  My best friend.  Being able to share with someone is such an important need within us, to have someone that gets us, someone that understands and cares.  It's more vital than food or the very breath we take, is it any wonder that when that is removed it hits us so?!

[TomPB]

I've reached out and made some new friends. Problem is, compared to what I had with Susan the relationships seem trivial and superficial, even when good. I told my grief counselor, if you put my other relationships of a scale of 1-10, Susan was 1,000,000. 

"It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch"

[Gwenivere]

I just read an article in the paper saying you can die of a broken heart.   They cited Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds as well as a mother who died 2 days after her police officer son was killed.  I know this is not a cheery subject by any means.  But it was interesting and quite validating about how deep grief and how little people understand it’s deep rooted effects on our minds and bodies.  Very common to start having medical problems when we are left behind.  All the things we’ve been insensitively been told by those who have no clue.  We may not physically die as some have, but we know how it feels to have died emotionally.   It helped to see this is getting some press.  So many of us were raised to keep that stiff upper lip which can harm us more than is realized.  

[kayc]

I have heard it said that Jesus died of a broken heart rather than from his wounds.  Grief is the most piercing thing we can suffer.  I think anyone would rather go through physical suffering than that of inner pain.  What I've wondered is why some get to die from their grief while we are still here.  I know it does no good to question but I guess it's human nature to wonder...

I've also learned it doesn't help me to compare...to try to appreciate what good exists without comparing it to the good that I've lost because to do so is to diminish what bit of good exists in my life, not something I want to do.  It has the opposite affect of appreciation, something I'm still working on.

[Janka]

Lord Jesus died,because he loves us above all...he didn´t want us to lose a privilage of eternal love in heaven...we can choose his love to be with him and all the people we loved in this life...however,the one we loved the most,will be the closest to us in there too...so there is no reason to lose any hope,no matter what...the love is all that he wants from us...

The moment,I meet my beloved Jan again,will be the happiest one and worthy of all the suffering I´ve been going through...

With love Janka

[TomPB]

One of my first professional associates died in 2016 and her husband died a week later. My cousin Kate’s husband died in 2016 and she died abt six ms later. In first case he was much older and Kate was drinking and broke her neck in a fall (we think). Nevertheless the spouses left behind did not have to spend much time in Grief World. I can’t help thinking they were fortunate. 

[scba]

On Women's day

(I don't own the following. It's a post from facebook and translated). 

"You may not notice that she is broken. That you can continue despite a broken heart. I know she has one. Because she needs a piece of it that will never find again; she will live forever without that piece. With an unarmed heart that will never be the same again.

However, she stands. She stands up and you may not notice her limp. She goes; she keeps living with those pieces that were left to her, knowing that she will never complete the puzzle that lays on the table. She keeps walking with that emptiness embedded in her chest, she keeps playing with what she still has. She hides the pain coming from the piece that is missing.

She rests. She is not healing. She will not heal. She knows it. However, she stands up with the strength of the one who knows that this is how life will be. She already understood that.

She knows she lost the battle. She knows. But she can laugh. And sometimes she enjoys the moment. With the awareness that her heart is still broken.

She lost just what she did not have to lose. Of all the possible things that she shouldn’t have to lose. And she lost it. And it hurts in the chest and soars in the throat.

Strange. She does not hold on to anything that distracts her from the ultimate truth that he is not there and that he will not come back. But she moves forward. Sometimes she stumbles, but stumbles looking at the sky. She continues for what she still has. Does not look for replacements.

Broken people keep walking. And she hurts. And she doesn’t deny it.

She is not brave. She is not a hero. She isn’t strong. She is simply a woman who, still broken, walks on".

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thanks for sharing this.