katie32188 Posted August 24, 2018 Report Share Posted August 24, 2018 A week ago today I felt something was not right... My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship. We met online in May of 2014. He was living in England and I was living in California. We had a bit of a complicated relationship. We were so much alike yet so different. We bit off eachothers heads sometimes but always loved eachother anyway. We were working on a better relationship. Shortly after, he moved to Canada to start over because he got into a bit of trouble in England. He was also closer to me so that made things a little easier. I never judged him. I loved him with all of my heart. He had his demons and I had mine too. His was just a little worse than mine. He was caught up in the game of selling pills and taking them. I tried getting him to realize that wasn't the way to live and reminded him constantly of why he moved to Canada, to start over. But of course I was acting like "his mother". I realized there was nothing I can do. We kept going dispite the distance and the hard times. A week ago today, I felt something was not right... Tuesday of last week he told me he wasn't feeling well. I didn't think much of it because he was kind of always feeling sick. He started getting seizures maybe 2 years ago due to the over use of Xanax, I believe. And always had bad headaches and was in constant pain every day due to exploded discs in his back from when he was around 20. Wednesday I asked him if he was feeling any better and he said no, he felt really sick. Said he had a temp and a bad headache. I asked him if he was going to the hospital and he ignored the question. So I just told him to take a tylenol and put a cold wash cloth on his head. We spoke a little after that but not much. I knew he wasn't feeling well so I decided to give him some time to rest. Thursday, I asked him if he felt any better. No response. I tried changing the subject and sent him a picture of my new hair. No response. I figured he was just ignoring me because he wasnt feeling well. I left him alone. Friday comes around, I usually eventually get a response but I still had nothing. I began to worry. I felt something was not right. There was no presence of him anywhere. Usually when he ignored me I could still see his presence on social media. There was nothing for over a day. He lived in the basement of his friends parent's home. I text her, she didnt respond. I called her, no response. I then was freaking out so I text her one more time and said I was so worried about Mike, can you please check on him? She never did respond. I then started calling the local hospitals. Oddly one of them said he was there getting an MRI. I confirmed he was there that day and they said yes. I felt relieved. I assumed maybe he had a seizure and was at the hospital. I fell asleep early that night. And the next morning my world came crashing down. I had a few missed calls from his cousin and a text asking me to call him. I called him right away and thats when he gave me the news that Mike had passed away. They found him in his bed Friday when I asked the landlord to check on him. Its been a week since and I feel like Ive died too. He was my whole world. I had a trip planned to see him today. Now instead Im taking that trip to meet his parents and sister who flew from England. I feel like life isnt even worth living anymore. He was my reason to live. He was always there for me whenever I needed him. And now I can never get him back. I have no one. My dad died when I was 15 and my mom lives in Minnesota. He was only 30 years old. I don't know how to deal with this. I have my friends constantly checking on me and Im trying to keep busy but nothing is helping. I tried going to therapy. That didn't help at all. I just dont know what to do with myself. Everything reminds me of him. He was the man I wanted to marry. I had a plan to move to Canada to be with him and start my life over because I am so tired of living in California doing the same things over and over. There's nothing here for me. And now that I don't have him I really don't have anyone. Friends and some family are there yes, but everyone has their own lives to deal with and I get that. But I truly feel alone. Everytime I saw something funny or gross or weird I would always call or text him and he'd laugh with me. I felt secure and safe with him. I just don't know what to do. I still don't know how he went but I have an idea. And its terrible. He had a problem, no one could help him. I just feel so guilty because maybe if I tried a little bit harder to get him to see that what he was doing was not right then maybe he'd still be here today. And then I think I should of not nagged at him so much or started arguements with with because they we're so dumb. Why did I do that? I originally planned to go there August 11th, but there were scheduling problems at work. And I feel like if I went there then he would still be alive today. And I feel SO GUILTY. I feel sick. I feel like there is nothing more for me to do here in life. I don't know how to go on. I just want him back. Does it get any easier? Because I don't think it will. Im only 28 but he was my first love and I wanted my life to end with him. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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