A week ago today

[scba]

10 hours ago, katie32188 said:

https://patagonia-ar.com/pages/puntos-de-venta

How often did you go to therapy?  Do you still feel guilty or how long did you feel guilty for? 

I go once a week. I started a month after his passing. Sometimes when grief was very hard I went twice. I am at year 4 and my appointments aree the chance to speak openly and to cry without feeling guilt or embarrased. After 4 years of therapy I pretty much understand and acknowledge what is going on, so It is my tool to express my grief. My therapyst lost his brother at young age and he works with terminal patients, he is younger than me or my age but I feel fine with that.

I must be honest with you, my experience has been not a linear one, rather tempests and waves of grief, minute by minute at the beginning, nowadays is different in frequency, however grief is there and around. I

 I have felt guilty for a solid year and for different reasons, like why I behaved that way on an X day, why I didn't see death coming, why I said this or didn't say that, why I behaved the way I did when he was in coma, when he was dying..... My bf died after a surgery and then I felt guilty for having support him on that , for not having studied enough that surgery. Of course it sounds crazy, but I felt guilty because he decided to go for surgery to give us, me, a better future. I was the reason, he died for me I thought then. I remember dreaming that it was me lying on the surgery table. My brain was constantly looking for a clue, a sign, a something that could give sense to sensless. There is a book, The Year of Magical Thinking. Guilt takes you nowhere and eventually you surrender. I still feel a kind of guilty, I had a major guilt feeling last January for example. But now I know it takes me nowhere else, like a spiral ladder. I still lost him. I sit down with these feelings until they vanish. 

Eat what you can. But please avoid alcohol or similar, it will not help you in any way. 

[A&K]

12 hours ago, katie32188 said:

Hi Katie,

 I’m so sorry for your loss as well. Did or does counseling help for you? What else did you do to cope?

Katie

its only been a month for me.  Counseling is my safe place.  I have two boys and baby girl due in dec.  I’m in the hospital.  Things are pretty complicated.  What else do I do to cope... deep breathing through the pain and heartache.  

[widow'15]

On 8/25/2018 at 5:36 AM, kayc said:

I'm a worrier too, can worry about anything, especially in the middle of the night when I need to be sleeping.  I've learned if I don't get back to sleep in an hour, to get up, pray/meditate, read, come here...oh and take something to help me sleep...then try again.  Nothing worse than tossing/turning for hours!

 

Kayc:  I find it is amazing how bedtime usually tells me I am sleepy and ready to sleep, but once the head hits the pillow, am wide awake and worrying about all the things I think I need to worry about.   Am in total agreement with needing adequate sleep in order to function.  I too had to ask my doctor for a sleeping pill for those nights that the tossing and turning becomes too much.  I find on some nights I can drop off to sleep if I have been more physically active than usual, i.e., walking my dog, working in my yard,  or last week I had my two grandkids staying with me due to no daycare.  Each evening my head hit the pillow and I was out.  I realize that I am too old to do the childcare thing year round,  but it did give me the opportunity to drop off to sleep without even thinking about a sleep aide.   LOL.

[kayc]

I hear ya!  I slept in a bit this morning because last night I oiled my 40' ramp and rails and my six front porch steps.  It was hard work, I was drenched in sweat, so I attribute my good night's sleep to that.  The same when I shovel snow all day.  But who wants to do that all the time so they can sleep?  LOL  I take a Benedryl some nights now that there's so much fires/smoke in the Northwest and I sleep pretty good on one of those.  I usually go to sleep fine, but it's when I wake up in the night I can't get back to sleep.

[katie32188]

I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him. I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts. We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me.

Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry? It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that. 

I just feel lost and alone. But it seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me. But then I think will it actually help? I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.

 

[MartyT]

You might give guided imagery a try, Katie. It's a simple, rather inexpensive way to ease your mind and change your thinking. See, for example, Belleruth Naparstek's article, What Is Guided Imagery?  You can try a sample here: Guided Meditations to Relieve Stress

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Katie.  I want to respond to your post and I want you to know I only want to offer you support.  There are no criticisms. ❤️

I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him.

--Katie you did the best you could, that is not wrong or not enough.  If you tried harder and you made yourself and him angry that would be torture too.  

 

I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts.

--I know this kind of torture very well - it doesn't help us to heal though, it makes dealing with grief so much more difficult.  

 

We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me.  

--That is so true about not stopping to smell the flowers… sometimes we have to smell the fertilizer as well.  Life is about finding a balance. I'm not there yet but I am working on it.

Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry?  

--I remember a saying about worry, “worry is like a ride on a wooden horse”.  I don't know who said it. To me it means that worry gets you nowhere and it isn't very satisfying.

 

It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that.  

--Worry is something I learned from my mother, too bad I didn't see the repercussions of it. She drove me crazy with stuff that wasn't for a child to know.  It messed me up with healthy boundaries and taught me early on that I couldn't say no to her.

--As to what to do about it - start small, give yourself a time limit.  If you decide 10 minutes then you have to stop at 10 minutes and tell yourself you are done worrying about that one thing.  It takes lots of practice and time.

I just feel lost and alone.

--I understand lost and alone.  It sucks. You are the only one who can change it though.  

 

But seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me.

--Therapy has helped me many times over the years.  I don't always get the results I want but I get the  lessons I need.

 

But I think will it actually help?

--It will help if you want it to and if you invest yourself in looking after your needs.  None of this is selfish. It is working to be the person you want to be.

I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.

--The guilt, worry, and self depreciation is a huge wheel.  The more you do it the more you will keep doing it. You deserve to get off the wheel.  Life is tough enough without constantly setting yourself up to feel bad. Give yourself a hug from me and know that everyone has struggles.  You will be ok if you make sure to eat, sleep, exercise, and are telling yourself you can do it. Give therapy a good try. Keep reaching out.  I'm sorry that all this sucks so much and hurts more than most people can believe, until they experience it. ❤️🙏
 

[kayc]

I couldn't answer better than Marita did to you, Katie.  I agree with everything she said.  I pray you find a way to stop beating yourself up.  He didn't want someone else, he wanted you.  What happened wasn't purposeful, you loved each other, no one planned this to happen.  You aren't responsible Hon, you just feel it, but that doesn't make it so.  Try doing good things for you, take a bubble bath, savor some chocolate, have a girl's night, IDK, something good for you, you deserve it.  it won't fix anything, nothing will bring him back, but maybe just try a few minutes respite from it all?

[katie32188]

On 8/30/2018 at 5:04 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Katie.  I want to respond to your post and I want you to know I only want to offer you support.  There are no criticisms. ❤️

I feel the same exact way with my guilt. Like, why couldn't I have just done what he liked, or why did I say what I said, or why didn't I tell him how I felt before I went there. Or why didn't I try more to help him.

--Katie you did the best you could, that is not wrong or not enough.  If you tried harder and you made yourself and him angry that would be torture too.  

 

I am constantly torturing myself with these thoughts.

--I know this kind of torture very well - it doesn't help us to heal though, it makes dealing with grief so much more difficult.  

 

We live as though the people in our lives will be there forever. Its eating at me.  

--That is so true about not stopping to smell the flowers… sometimes we have to smell the fertilizer as well.  Life is about finding a balance. I'm not there yet but I am working on it.

Im sorry you feel guilty as well. But again, we didn't know this was going to happen. Is it a way of life to constantly worry?  

--I remember a saying about worry, “worry is like a ride on a wooden horse”.  I don't know who said it. To me it means that worry gets you nowhere and it isn't very satisfying.

 

It isn't but with me, I always worry, about everything. And I dont know what to do about that.  

--Worry is something I learned from my mother, too bad I didn't see the repercussions of it. She drove me crazy with stuff that wasn't for a child to know.  It messed me up with healthy boundaries and taught me early on that I couldn't say no to her.

--As to what to do about it - start small, give yourself a time limit.  If you decide 10 minutes then you have to stop at 10 minutes and tell yourself you are done worrying about that one thing.  It takes lots of practice and time.

I just feel lost and alone.

--I understand lost and alone.  It sucks. You are the only one who can change it though.  

 

But seems like therapy may be the only thing to help me.

--Therapy has helped me many times over the years.  I don't always get the results I want but I get the  lessons I need.

 

But I think will it actually help?

--It will help if you want it to and if you invest yourself in looking after your needs.  None of this is selfish. It is working to be the person you want to be.

I feel guilty about that because early to mid of our relationship I began to take my anger and frustrations out on him and we broke up a couple times and I told him I was going to therapy for cbt and I never once went. I just told him that. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I wanted him so badly but I chose to work on myself without the therapist. I feel guitly about everything. Like if I were to just let him go when he didnt want to be with me anymore, he could of been happy with someone else by now and wouldn't be taking pills or that person could of been there with him that night and either saved him or he wouldnt have taken anything. I hate thinking like this.

--The guilt, worry, and self depreciation is a huge wheel.  The more you do it the more you will keep doing it. You deserve to get off the wheel.  Life is tough enough without constantly setting yourself up to feel bad. Give yourself a hug from me and know that everyone has struggles.  You will be ok if you make sure to eat, sleep, exercise, and are telling yourself you can do it. Give therapy a good try. Keep reaching out.  I'm sorry that all this sucks so much and hurts more than most people can believe, until they experience it. ❤️🙏
 

Thank you for trying to get me to see that feeling guilty isnt helping anything. I go through waves of feeling ok, feeling sad, feeling guilty. Im now starting to question if he even loved me. 

I spent the last week and a half at a friends house. I went out and did things to try to get it off my mind but Im home now and its all coming back. I still havent unpacked his clothes his mom gave me. I don't know what to do with them. 

And what kind of makes this harder is, I dream about him every night. He's dying in every one. And then I wake up and its real. 

Sometimes I just think he's in a better place and then sometimes I think I dont want to live without him. I know I need to see a counselor but I wasn't even able to make a weekly appointment. I have to wait 3 weeks apart. I dont see how that will help me. I have Kaiser. Would it help if I saw a few different people, once a week? 

[katie32188]

On 8/31/2018 at 7:12 AM, kayc said:

I couldn't answer better than Marita did to you, Katie.  I agree with everything she said.  I pray you find a way to stop beating yourself up.  He didn't want someone else, he wanted you.  What happened wasn't purposeful, you loved each other, no one planned this to happen.  You aren't responsible Hon, you just feel it, but that doesn't make it so.  Try doing good things for you, take a bubble bath, savor some chocolate, have a girl's night, IDK, something good for you, you deserve it.  it won't fix anything, nothing will bring him back, but maybe just try a few minutes respite from it all?

Thank you kayc. I know it wasn't my fault. He did it. But its just really hard to think otherwise. The what if's are really getting to me. I know I cant change anything but I want to so badly. The funeral hasn't even happened yet. And Im afraid its just going to get worse when its all over. 

Its hard to want to do things for myself. I went and stayed with a friend for a week and a half and that helped a little, but now that Im home and surrounded with his things still in a suitcase is making it hard again. I go back to work in a few days and Im dreading it. I dont want to explain everything over and over. I just feel like im a lost cause. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are not a lost cause Katie.  Unfortunately, this is the hardest thing I have had to survive in my 61 years

I know too well how our minds go over and over things.  It seems that until we work things through enough to be able to accept the loss we just keep chasing the uncertainties round and round.  This is very tiring so try to look after getting enough exercise, nutrition, and sleep. 

I like @kaycs ideas of doing something special.  A bubble bath sounds glorious.

I think a three week wait between appointments is such a long time.  The only things with talking to multiple therapists that would concern me is the continuity of thoughts and the likelihood that therapists might have differing views or suggestions.  I am not sure how it would work for you, it wouldn't work for me as it would be too fragmented.  @MartyT is the best one to ask about this.

Try not to think too far into the future.  Do what you can in the moment.  We must live for today because if we worry too much about the tomorrows our days become nearly unbearable.  I could go on and on but the most important thing is to care for yourself.  Reach out and ask for what you need.  Keep coming on here to find the reassurance that you are going to make it, you aren't crazy or a lost cause. ❤️🙏

 

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, katie32188 said:

I know I need to see a counselor but I wasn't even able to make a weekly appointment. I have to wait 3 weeks apart. I dont see how that will help me. I have Kaiser. Would it help if I saw a few different people, once a week? 

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "a few different people, once a week" Katie. For now I think you are wise to stick with the therapist you have, at least until you've met with him or her more than once, so you have a better basis on which to evaluate if it's helping. You might also ask your therapist if there is an in-person grief support group you could join, to tide you over in between appointment with your therapist. 

[katie32188]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "a few different people, once a week" Katie. For now I think you are wise to stick with the therapist you have, at least until you've met with him or her more than once, so you have a better basis on which to evaluate if it's helping. You might also ask your therapist if there is an in-person grief support group you could join, to tide you over in between appointment with your therapist. 

I worded that wrong. The therapist that I see is constantly booked up. So the last time I was able to see him was 3 weeks ago. The next time I see him is on Thursday. All the therapists there are apparently booked up and I have to wait a few weeks in between each appointment. I need to see someone once a week, so my question was would it be smart or alright to see different therapists, maybe between two, once a week. I feel like I need to talk to someone at least once a week. I tried the group thing but it just didnt help me. 

[MartyT]

I think this is something you need to discuss with your therapist when you see him on Thursday, since he is most familiar with your case.

[Gwenivere]

Katie, I see 2 counselors.  One for strictly grief and the other for managing the twists and turns more in detail off daily living.  It’s worked out to be a good balance for me.  I cry at both, but one is all emotional baggage unloading.  The other is to help me try and find acceptance  in healthier ways than left to my own devices, which were harming me unguided.  I don’t like support groups.  Too much repetitive details and so many stuck there.  They helped for a short time when I needed help with my first big loss of my mother.  Then I saw there was no growth and many wanted to relive their stories. If it helped them, that’s great.  I needed more.  3 weeks is a very long time when we have faced multiple losses as you have.  It would be too long between for just my husband.  You’re carrying a lot of grief weight.  I’m no expert, but my feeling is you need a safe place that is all yours you can count on at least once a week to unload some of that weight.  Just my opinion, of course.  Sometimes I hate going, feel it was a waste so I now make notes to keep me focused as the time is so limited.  I also made sure both counselors had suffered losses, I didn’t need the details but felt they owed me that knowledge so I could be sure they knew the feelings I had.

[kayc]

If your therapist doesn't have time to see you once a week, maybe he can refer you to someone who does have time, you might ask him about it.  I agree, waiting three weeks in between is a bit much at this point.  You might try a grief support group on down the road but it's probably too soon for you right now, a lot of people tell me they weren't ready the first few months.

I don't know what your job is like, but my biggest concern about going  back to work was my focus, I just didn't have it and I had a job where you couldn't make mistakes.  My boss and coworkers were wonderful.  My boss had someone speak to the employees before I came back to work, addressing what to expect and how to best respond, it really helped, it was another coworker who had suffered the loss of his three year old years before and he spoke from his experience.  His cubicle was right across from mine and he was so wonderful.  I'd rush to the bathroom to cry when I needed to.  I asked my boss to check my work as I knew my brain wasn't right.  Unfortunately, my job went down a few months later, it was the start of the recession, and my new job the situation was totally different, but I'm thankful I was working where I was when George died, they were all great.  I didn't get hit with questions and probing, people were wonderful to me and I hope that'll be your experience too.

[katie32188]

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Katie, I see 2 counselors.  One for strictly grief and the other for managing the twists and turns more in detail off daily living.  It’s worked out to be a good balance for me.  I cry at both, but one is all emotional baggage unloading.  The other is to help me try and find acceptance  in healthier ways than left to my own devices, which were harming me unguided.  I don’t like support groups.  Too much repetitive details and so many stuck there.  They helped for a short time when I needed help with my first big loss of my mother.  Then I saw there was no growth and many wanted to relive their stories. If it helped them, that’s great.  I needed more.  3 weeks is a very long time when we have faced multiple losses as you have.  It would be too long between for just my husband.  You’re carrying a lot of grief weight.  I’m no expert, but my feeling is you need a safe place that is all yours you can count on at least once a week to unload some of that weight.  Just my opinion, of course.  Sometimes I hate going, feel it was a waste so I now make notes to keep me focused as the time is so limited.  I also made sure both counselors had suffered losses, I didn’t need the details but felt they owed me that knowledge so I could be sure they knew the feelings I had.

Gwenivere, 

Do you talk about two totally different things when you talk to each of them, or do they both help with grief and daily living? I was just asking if I should see two because its hard to get appointments with any at Kaiser. I agree, I didnt like the support group. I didnt feel comfortable there. Im sure it's helpful to talk with others who are going through the same but I just felt it wasn't for me. And not to be selfish I just need it to be about me for once. 

I just feel like I need to go once a week. I feel numb sometimes. Friends and family are there but I just feel like they dont always want to talk about it and I do. I just need to get everything out.

[katie32188]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

If your therapist doesn't have time to see you once a week, maybe he can refer you to someone who does have time, you might ask him about it.  I agree, waiting three weeks in between is a bit much at this point.  You might try a grief support group on down the road but it's probably too soon for you right now, a lot of people tell me they weren't ready the first few months.

I don't know what your job is like, but my biggest concern about going  back to work was my focus, I just didn't have it and I had a job where you couldn't make mistakes.  My boss and coworkers were wonderful.  My boss had someone speak to the employees before I came back to work, addressing what to expect and how to best respond, it really helped, it was another coworker who had suffered the loss of his three year old years before and he spoke from his experience.  His cubicle was right across from mine and he was so wonderful.  I'd rush to the bathroom to cry when I needed to.  I asked my boss to check my work as I knew my brain wasn't right.  Unfortunately, my job went down a few months later, it was the start of the recession, and my new job the situation was totally different, but I'm thankful I was working where I was when George died, they were all great.  I didn't get hit with questions and probing, people were wonderful to me and I hope that'll be your experience too.

Kayc, 

I dont think its the certain therapist who doesnt have time. I called and told them Id like to, I need to, see someone once a week and they said that it doesn't really work like that. Everyone is booked up, but I can be put on a waiting list. 

My job is stressful and requires a lot of focus. I am a dialysis technician and work 12 hour shifts. I know its going to be difficult getting back. My boss, apparently sent a text message to all of my co workers telling them about my loss and I just know they're going to, as you said, ask me questions and probe me. And I just know its going to be hard because I have my patients to take care of and I just feel like I cant provide the best care that I need to right now. The funeral hasnt even happened yet. 

[MartyT]

Katie, you may find these articles helpful:

Game-Planning Your Grief: 5 Tips for Returning to Work

When Bereavement Leave Runs Out: going back to work after a death

How to Manage Grief at Work

How to talk about grief in the workplace, according to a therapist

I'm Grieving and I'm at Work

3 Important Tips for Grieving at Work

[Gwenivere]

They both help with grief.  One is where I cry, babble and it is all about the crazed emotions.  The other and I talk/cry more over the massive changes and how to get thru them.  I’m not receptive to 'fix’s' so he knows I need someone to listen to the problem and why I feeel it may be insurmountable but keep me focused.  It’s hard to explain.  I’ve also developed some OCD behaviors to feel I have some control as I am feeling I had none anymore.  We all need to feel some control in our lives or.we go crazy, IMO.  Therapy is so different for everyone.  When I was just seeing my grief counselor, she agreed I needed help in areas she was not an expert in.  I wish I knew how to answer your question, Katie.  I do think seeing someone weekly is very needed.  I know some see someone more than once a week. I like knowing that I will have a day I can unload.  It’s not selfish to want that and support groups won’t always deliver.  I don’t do one either anymore.  I want it to be about me because I’m all I have.  I don’t really have anything to give others except here when I feel some relief from my burden.  That could be at midnight like now.  I never know.  I truly hope you find someone that helps and is available on a regular basis.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, katie32188 said:

My boss, apparently sent a text message to all of my co workers telling them about my loss and I just know they're going to, as you said, ask me questions and probe me. And I just know its going to be hard because I have my patients to take care of and I just feel like I cant provide the best care that I need to right now. The funeral hasnt even happened yet. 

That wasn't my experience, they didn't probe and ask me questions, they were all very sensitive.  I worked for a place that made military airplane parts to mil-spec and perfection was key!  We had to document everything, I worked with quality control as well as office management and bookkeeping, assisting the managers with their performance reviews, dealing with persnickity clients, etc., everything had to be perfect!  I sympathize with you because I know how hard it is to be perfect when your brain can't even function!  I only took two weeks off, even going in at five days to do payroll since there wasn't anyone else to do it.  How I got through it I don't know, but I did it.  Somehow we manage to do what we have to even when it doesn't seem possible.

Thank you for all of the articles, Marty!!!

[katie32188]

@Gwenivere Thank you. I just went and had a session on Thursday. He didn't really help. Some times he made me feel a little better about some of my guilt but mostly he just took my side with some of the stuff I didn't agree with in our relationship, like the addiction issue. I didn't feel like it was helpful at all. And I asked him if I could be seen weekly and again, he told me Kaiser didn't work like that and there werent enough therapists. So he told me I could find some out of network therapists. I guess im going to have to do that but Im just tired of explaining everything over and over. Im not even sure if counseling will even help me. I know I have barely gone but I wake up depressed every single morning. He's the first person I think about as soon as I wake up. I still don't want to believe this is real. 

@kayc It wasn't as bad as I expected, with my co workers. They didn't probe me but I recently found out that it somewhat helps me when I do talk about it. But when Im with my patients and they ask about it I don't want to talk about it. They don't need it or my sadness. They're suffering enough. The only thing that was hard was that I couldn't provide the best care I can. And I don't know how Im going to be able to any time soon. 

[Gwenivere]

Ugh, that network thing.  Like we need more to navigate and add expense on top of it.  I have to pay out of pocket too.  I’m only able to do that because he isn’t here to use the money on fun  stuff.  That adds to the depression.    We should have a new TV and sound system because that was how Steve rolled.  I reaped the benefits.  Most all my major purchases are medical now.  I hesitate buying calendars for next year because it will be another empty one and writing in birthdates and anniversaries is painful now.  I can’t even tally money spent in counseling I would not have needed.  So grief brings us emotional pain and slams our wallets too.  What a deal.  Not.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello katie,

I'm sorry that your appointment on Thursday left you feeling this way.  It would be frustrating for me to have deal with the lack of appointments. 

I was lucky in that I did councelling with Hospice here in Canada and so there was no cost and lots of appointments available.  I had one on one once a week where I would/could talk about the suicide part of things.  Then there was group stuff about becoming a widower/widow that was weekly.  Also opportunities to go for Reiki once or twice a week.  Some of us meet up monthly for brunch now.  I also did some classes and had some councelling with mental health through our medical coverage that was also no cost.  I hope you will find a better situation for yourself.

I can understand your reluctance to discuss things with your patients.  It is you that decides who, what and when; I think you know what is best for you.  It's great you have concern for the patients, please don't put everyone else ahead of yourself.  ❤️ 

Talking about it all really does help.  Do you have anyone who could just listen to you and be there to hug you as needed?  If there were urgent things come up could you call a grief line?  It's hard to put it out in writing.  That is the problem with having to type as opposed to talking.  Having said that, keep coming on here.  We all need to feel understanding and validation.  Take care to care for yourself 🙏

[kayc]

We are so fortunate to have Marty here, my other grief site, there is no such Marty.  I've learned so much from her over the years but it'd help to have a weekly counselor that personally led us through this.  I paid out of pocket but I'm afraid we don't get much pick in this sleepy little town in the country and he did not seem qualified for grief (to me) in the least.  He'd have been better off sticking to drug and alcohol counseling, that's what he was good at.

I mentioned Hospice to you before, not sure if you tried them.  Otherwise, you can call for CAFA counselors that base on income and pay yourself, I've used them for a couple of issues.  

And check out this article: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html