First of "Many Firsts"

[shebert56]

Had my annual GYN appointment yesterday.  The office asked me to review the information they have on file and for me to update.  

Emergency Contact - yes, that needs changing.

Marital Status - yes, that one too....

My GYN and I had a cry together.  After I composed myself, she couldn't stop crying.  Very kind and compassionate physician.

Today I polished some furniture. Stephen liked dusting/polishing and did that often, so now I carry the torch.  The only thing I despise more than dusting/polishing is ironing.  Thankfully I don't pull that thing out more than once or twice a year.

~Shirley

 

 

 

 

[olemisfit]

Shirley, I know what you mean about the dreaded chores. During my growing up years I had my chores that I hated, but what do'ya do. You mind your mother and do them anyway. Because she hated doing them also. I had 2 sisters, but a few chores that were always mine were ironing, dusting the furniture, and running the vacuum cleaner. Every Saturday morning I couldn't sit down in the middle of the living room floor and watch the weekly episode of the Lone Ranger unless all my chores were done. My dad always insisted on his undershorts and hankies being ironed. And God forbid him laying his head on a pillow case that was wrinkled. So I ironed, pulled the old Electrolux through the house, and then grabbed the Pledge and dusted. If I got up extra early on Saturday morning and got an early start I sometimes was done in time to be able to turn the TV on.  It was a good Saturday if I was done in time for the Lone Ranger---and then Sky King (and Penny). In spite of the chores, those were the good ole days. And then maybe Roy & Dale...and Pat Brady with NellyBelle.  (Sometimes it's fun to walk down Memory Lane.)

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[Kieron]

Yeah, that first time I had to change my emergency contact at the doctor's office, to have a physical... I managed not to cry at the front desk, but when the nurse came in to the exam room to start the preliminaries like blood pressure etc., I lost it.  She was a much younger person and was pretty flustered by my behavior.  I managed to explain that all this was making the loss much more real and immediate.  And then shortly thereafter, my longtime doctor (Also Mark's doctor for even longer) came in, and I lost it again. 

I can smile at myself in retrospect, the way you do when you look back at something.  Sometimes it's surprising what brings a smile and what just brings the cut of the knife.

[kayc]

Shirley,

When I retired I gave all my button down shirts to St. Vinnie's, so no more ironing!  I can't say as I ever enjoyed that task.  I do miss the silk shirts though, they were so comfortable.  Not that I'm keen on dusting, but it's something that needs done.  One thing we have plenty of is dust here!  My allergy specialist says I get things dumped on me from Japan!

Darrel, 

Loving the pictures!  Nostalgia...

Remembering also the changing things on forms, I hated that!  Why can't they just leave us be, why does our marital status matter to them?  I get the changing emergency contacts, but really, is it anyone's business whether we're married?

[shebert56]

@Kayc, I totally agree.  There are two items I did, one of them too quickly.

I went to my bank. The gracious lady there reached over to me, held my hand, and said do nothing with your and Step[hen's accounts for at least six months.  Nothing, leave it as is, there's no legal reason to change anything.  I saw the wisdom there.

When I cancelled Stephen's cell line (long story why I did this), I was told oh it's okay we'll just cancel his line. Then later I received a call stating I needed to  close the account, then open one in my name with my number only.  I was pretty upset about this.  

My financial business is very complicated.  I mean very complicated.  Today I was on the hamster wheel all day, and most days, since Stephen's passing.  Tonight the grief hit me, and it hit me hard.

I am so exhausted mentally.  Physically I'm holding my own. Appetite is up, and sleeping is good.  But the "mind on all day long" caught up with me.

So tomorrow, other than two errands I need to run, I'm turning off all business.  Period.  There is nothing that needs doing that can't wait until next week.  I must spend a day for me.  Whether it's grieving or sitting outdoors or reading or even sleeping, I deserve a day for me.

This tired to the bone grief was unlike any I experienced thus far.  The worst mental fatigue I've experienced in my life.

Today is over, tomorrow is a new day.

~Shirley

 

[Gwenivere]

I wish there  was some other way to legally say what our status is.  When it’s just things regarding me I put retired.  But this sticky stuff with partners is hard.  I hate the term widow(er).  Cancelling Steve’s cell phone was hard.  Odd thing is he still gets mail on it.  Some stranger has his number by now.  Removing it from my phone was harder.   It was too hard to keep running into since I know another Steve.  

I talked with our bank and found there was no problem not removing Steve from our account.  If would have meant setting up all new ones, basically starting over.  I really don’t mind seeing his name on our checks.  Every other thing now is in my name only.  House, car, bills.  

Every now and then I get a catalog or sales thing for him.  We have a PO box I was going to close but couldn’t (yet).  It’s empty most days, but I still check it like I did.  It gets me out pretty soon after getting up as its just a couple blocks away.  Kinda breaks the waking alone thing to see people doing their thing.  We closed our bank box together.  Don’t miss that.  It’s these decisions I make alone now that are hard.  Still have his van.  Pay all the fees.  Run it now and then.  His clothes are gone except the few things that are so him I couldn’t let anyone have, ever.  

And his placemat sits on the table and always will.  Tried putting that away and that was too much.  It’s hard enough al his guitars, bass and mandolin are gone.  Bequeathed to his music buddies.  His bathroom remains untouched.  A bottle of white wine ferments in the fridge of his.  I did give out his cigarettes to homeless people who were stunned getting unopened packs.  That would have made him very happy as he was so giving when I was skeptical.  I’ve become less judgemental of people because of him.  He would often drop a 20 in a street musicians case.  I understand now when I fumed before at the amount.  It was his passion. I can’t listen to his recordings after over 3 years yet.  His voice is in our answering machine and I try and grab the phone before it gets triggered if I am here as he wrote a ditty we did together people love.  

I hear him in my head all the time.  If only it was for real.  I have some snappy comebacks going to waste.  Miss hearing those 'love yous'we always said coming and going.  What we took for granted.  

[shebert56]

Gwen, I applaud you for the small gestures you did on behalf of Steve.  It speaks volumes to the kindness in his heart, and you honored him by paying it forward.

I'm finding some of my Stephen's things fit me, and it gives me comfort.  All those v-neck white t-shirts he wore under his regular shirts, and his shorts, those are keepers for me.  His favorite winter sweaters and some t-shirts that are full of holes.... he would never part with his favorite things.  At some point, I want to donate all of his business suits and many button down long sleeved shirts to an organization that gives men an opportunity to have clothing for job interviews, etc., those working towards a second start.  It would please Stephen.  His favorite camel coat and jacket, those are keepers for now.  He must have had 40 ties.  I will keep his favorite.  And all those suspenders he wore in the 80's which was his style.  I will keep the red ones, as the first day I met him, he wore those. 

My Stephen's shaving cream is the "scent" of him that I remember most.  So I'll keep the multiple cans of that.  The scent brings back great memories for me.  A small bottle of vodka I am keeping.  When he had a bad belly from eating something that didn't agree with him, one shot of vodka with lemon did the trick.  I'm not a fan of vodka, so that bottle will be with me a very long time.

I've learned not to touch anything until I'm ready to do so. And I'm more than comfortable with that decision.  

I'm transcribing our last very long text we had back and forth.  It was from back in April, and takes us back to when things were good, then as we transitioned to his diagnosis of cancer and his treatment.  So so many I love you, you are amazing, I adore you darling.  I don't want to lose that dialogue should my phone go out, so transcribing it into a PDF will give me comfort.  I do a little each day.

Waiting for daybreak.  I hate the dark as I'm still up at 4 am most mornings.

~Shirley

[Kieron]

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 What we took for granted.  

^ So relate to this. ^  ☹️  Most of his clothes are folded and waiting to go to a clothing closet for disadvantaged people.  Yesterday I found the cat curled up on one of his folded pants.  She probably wonders where he is, or maybe she's forgotten him since it's been almost 2 years since he has even been at home.   Of course it made me sad all over again.

Since he was a big man, no doubt guys of a similar size would appreciate some nice clothes for job interviews and such.  The ones I won't part with are folded in a drawer.  His bathrobe still hangs on a hook.  I won't part with that either.  Thankfully I never threw it in the laundry from the last time he wore it. 

Funny what is true and similar across the board, no matter how different our circumstances.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve become less judgemental of people because of him.

This is a tribute to him.  One of the ways they affect us that we've incorporated into who WE are.  It is a permanent incorporating them into ourselves.  I love that!

Shirley, 

I'm glad you're taking a day for you.  We need that sometimes.  Today I have to go to a funeral.  I hate funerals.  But I'm going for his widow, I wasn't close to him but as her friend, I'll attend.  Just got done cooking for the family dinner.  

I don't remember changing the cell phone account into my name, I don't remember how it was before, probably had both our names on it.  But I had my daughter take over his phone/number so I wouldn't get stuck financially on the contract, she needed a new one anyway, and we hadn't had it long.  I guess because someone was taking over payments maybe they were more cooperative.  One thing you can usually do is go on line to make changes, even cancellations, I did that for everyone at the last place I worked.

[martha jane]

Kieron, I too have my husbands bath robe still on the hook in the bathroom. I bought it just a month or so before he went into the hospital for the last time. It was beginning to turn cold and I thought it would be nice to have so he could be dry all over rather than having to be toweled off. He only used it a few times.  I have all his clothes packed away, I haven't been able to part with them. His shoes are still in the bedroom and one pair I can see everytime I go in the bedroom. They are the very last pair he ever wore. Sometimes I just sit and look at them and see the shape of his feet. The strings are broken but he alway tied the ends together and kept using them. I noticed he did that right after we got married and I knew that the probably had done that since he was a boy because they were poor and I guess new shoe strings were hard to come by. He died on Dec 13, 2016. He had been on hospice and filled with morphine and ativan since Nov 28th which was out 57th wedding anniversary. He never spoke or moved again after that. He lay with his eyes closed and his mouth wide open. I keep seeing him like that when my daughters and I saw him draw his last breath. We never said goodbye, he did not even know we were there with him. I thought that things would be better by now but it isn't. Lately I don't want to talk to anyone go anywhere. I can hardly believe that he is gone forever. One day I was in the kitchen and I could see him through the living room window sitting in the porch swing like he was in deep thought. I thought to myself that I needed to go and sit with him but I didn't. Now I can hardly bear to look at that window, I  see him there by himself when I should have taken time to sit with him. My husband had Parkinson's and he was admitted to the hospital several times with high blood pressure and a UTI but he always came home feeling better. I did not know that this time he would get sepsis and die. He went in the hospital on Nov 1st , My son's birthday and was in the hospital  ICU for 11 days and then he was supposed to be so much improved that they sent him for rehab when he couldn't even stand up or walk. He improved for a day or two and then they found him in the floor one night and rushed him to the hospital and he became so much worse that the doctor talked us in having him be turned over to hospice. I felt like we starved him to death. He lived for 15 days with no water or food. I don't know how aware he was all that time and it breaks my heart that he went with no goodbyes from us. How much was he aware of what was happening to him? Was he afraid? Did he lay in the floor at rehab calling for me and wondering why  I didn't come and help him? Thinking about this really haunts me. I look at a picture of the day we got married and it is like I no longer know who those two happy smiling people are.  I don't know who I am.

[KarenK]

Martha Jane, your post sounds so forlorn and I truly understand. Even after 5+ years, I've yet to discover who I am. Most days, I feel like I have fallen off a cliff and am reaching for that one hand to grasp that will pull me to safety, but that hand is not there. So, I just keep falling into the unknown, into oblivion. So many unanswered questions still plague me, but they will never be answered, so what's the use.

Shirley, my "firsts" have come and gone many times, but it still hurts. Haven't ironed anything in years, but strangely enough, I'd rather iron than cook.  lol

[kayc]

13 hours ago, martha jane said:

I felt like we starved him to death. He lived for 15 days with no water or food.

I always felt that way too, when my grandma was there, and then my mom.  They say it's worse if they eat.  My MIL reached the place where food wouldn't go through her body, not even her morphine, nothing moved anything through, no blood pressure, her belly distended, everything shut down, nothing processing.  I guess it really would be worse to give her food when she's like that.  It's a horrid memory.

 

[iPraiseHim]

On 8/30/2018 at 10:05 AM, kayc said:

Shirley,

When I retired I gave all my button down shirts to St. Vinnie's, so no more ironing!  I can't say as I ever enjoyed that task.  I do miss the silk shirts though, they were so comfortable.  Not that I'm keen on dusting, but it's something that needs done.  One thing we have plenty of is dust here!  My allergy specialist says I get things dumped on me from Japan!

Darrel, 

Loving the pictures!  Nostalgia...

Remembering also the changing things on forms, I hated that!  Why can't they just leave us be, why does our marital status matter to them?  I get the changing emergency contacts, but really, is it anyone's business whether we're married?

I visited my Dad yesterday and he asked me when I was going to get married and raise a family.  I reminded him that I was married for 25 years. He said. "but you don't have any children" so you don't have a family.  He was curious if I still like women and wanted to get married? I can't imagine having children at my age.   And yes, I still like women.  😁 I can barely manage taking care of myself. 

 

  I'm the oldest and with no male children, the Family name dies with me.  Brother had no male children either. Life is real interesting with an aging father.  The visit was great and he talked a lot about growing up on a farm during WW2.  He as born in 1932.

I like dust... I'm in the home cleaning business. lol

 

Shalom 

[shebert56]

George, Stephen and I were second marriages.  Neither of us  had children.  I always said I must have had them in a prior life, as I never had that motherly feeling.

I have no regrets.  

Your dad is from a different generation.  My father had 17 in his family, my mother 11.  Both were from poor farming families.  All siblings from both families are gone, except for one of my dad's brothers, who is 94 and close to end stages of his life.

Embrace your visits with your father.  Listen to the same stories, over and over.  My uncle fought in the Battle of the Bulge.  As I grew older, I loved listening to the stories.  It's part of my family history.

Your family name will never die.  It will forever remain in the stars. 

Hugs,

Shirley

[widow'15]

On 8/31/2018 at 5:43 AM, Kieron said:

His bathrobe still hangs on a hook.  I won't part with that either.  Thankfully I never threw it in the laundry from the last time he wore it. 

Funny what is true and similar across the board, no matter how different our circumstances.

My husband's robe,  a Christmas gift I gave him shortly before he passed, is worn by me in the winter weather and is so warm and comforting - I imagine him placing his big long arms around me giving me one of those hugs I so miss each time I wear it.

Similar, and is comforting to know we can all find peace in our own way without judgement. 

Dee

[kayc]

22 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I visited my Dad yesterday and he asked me when I was going to get married and raise a family.  I reminded him that I was married for 25 years. He said. "but you don't have any children" so you don't have a family. 

I think I'd answer, "Well gee, Dad, I thought YOU were family!"  He doesn't realize the affect of his words.  You don't need reminded you lost your wife.  And our sole purpose in life isn't having kids.  I had two kids, now they're grown and off living their lives.  I remember when I was going through infertility issues, it was really hard when people would say things like, "Don't you LIKE kids?"  Not everyone is a rabbit.  And George, I had to laugh too when I read that, I can't imagine someone your age suddenly having kids, you'd have to marry someone quite younger.  It'd be hard.  My dad died when my brother was 14 (they adopted him, he had been their grandson), I felt he got gypped.  Because of my dad's heart condition,  my dad could never toss a ball with him and could no longer hike and hunt, etc.  Gone were the days he used to go camping, my brother didn't get the same upbringing the rest of us did.   

[Kieron]

On 8/31/2018 at 8:24 PM, martha jane said:

and then he was supposed to be so much improved that they sent him for rehab when he couldn't even stand up or walk.

Martha jane, that's very heartbreaking to read.  So many "shoulds."  I so understand.  That's similar to what happened with Mark.  He was in ICU for almost 30 days after barely surviving sepsis.  When he turned the corner and improved, and was allowed to come back to consciousness, and extubated (he was intubated for low oxygen levels), he was very weak from not having moved a muscle on his own for a month.  No standing, no walking etc. was possible although he could and did move his arms and legs, and sat up and was eventually able to eat, and talk, and have visitors.  It was Christmas by that time and I spent it in ICU with him.  When they moved him to a rehab hospital elsewhere, it was supposed to have helped him regain his strength, walk, etc.  There were some small mis-steps from the time he left ICU, that I suspect led to him losing that "spark" that kept him going while fighting the sepsis.  For one, I think the rehab hospital (not the ICU one) discharged him far too soon, to a less-intensive rehab center in the community.  I remember questioning the rehab hospital social worker about whether he was really ready and she overruled me.

I have so many regrets for not pushing back, and pushing hard, and demanding to speak to her supervisor and fighting the discharge.  😖

[kayc]

I relate to what you guys are saying.  They sent my sister to rehab out of the hospital to do PT and regain strength, now they've sent her home and she has NO strength, and instead of doing her PT, she sleeps all the time.  She says it hurts to sit up in a chair, so she doesn't.  I'm worried she's not going to get better.