Coming up one year

[David s]

Sorry I am new to this so if I do something wrong sorry in advance. My wife died last Mother's Day. I'm now raising my step granddaughter which I adopted a few years back so she's my daughter but I'm just wondering how my mother's day is going to go the day after Mother's Day I'll be the official one year but Mother's Day is when she passed away laying right beside me and then I came out to watch TV in the daughter came home with Mother's Day presents for mom and came out and said there's something wrong with her she's cold and won't move so arrest in there turn it over started CPR but it was pointless. it's true it's really bad for me so I'm not sure how mothers day is going to go for me or my daughter. I've gotten a lot of advice from other people and I've taken her to a counselor so I don't know thank you for letting me get that out. Also just found death certificate first time I had ever seen it lost it soon as they gave it to me.

 

[Johnny]

David, so sorry for your loss,

My wife passed away lying right beside me as well. Got up to get a sandwich like usual and came back into the bedroom and noticed that she did not seem to be breathing. Called her name while shaking her shoulders gently but she was totally unresponsive. Tried CPR and rescue breathing but Emergency Response personnel told me when they examined her that from their experience she had passed away before I ever tried to help her. I've been coming here to write about it and there are a great number of good caring people here to help me understand what happened to me since . It's just been five months for me since my wife passed, so I understand how terribly difficult it can be losing the one you love most.

This is a great place to talk about everything grief entails without worrying that you will say anything wrong.

Everyone here is so very understanding of all the pain and changes that grief brings on.

I understand how difficult it is to try to perform CPR on the one you love more than anything in this world.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry for your loss and you being here.  Johnnys right, this is the place to be with others who totally understand the pain.  I hope you can find some solace in this family Marty’s built.  My experience was not a sudden death.  There are those that will have more insight into that.  But I do know the pain of the devastating loss.  

[David s]

Thanks and sorry for your loss never imagined at 45 this is where I would find myself but guess no one at any age finds it any easier. Thought I was doing ok then it hit me super hard and I reached for the bottle should have found this board sooner but I am back on the wagon just have to stay that way or I will really lose everything.

[widow'15]

16 hours ago, David s said:

Sorry I am new to this so if I do something wrong sorry in advance. My wife died last Mother's Day. I'm now raising my step granddaughter which I adopted a few years back so she's my daughter but I'm just wondering how my mother's day is going to go the day after Mother's Day I'll be the official one year but Mother's Day is when she passed away laying right beside me and then I came out to watch TV in the daughter came home with Mother's Day presents for mom and came out and said there's something wrong with her she's cold and won't move so arrest in there turn it over started CPR but it was pointless. it's true it's really bad for me so I'm not sure how mothers day is going to go for me or my daughter. I've gotten a lot of advice from other people and I've taken her to a counselor so I don't know thank you for letting me get that out. Also just found death certificate first time I had ever seen it lost it soon as they gave it to me.

 

David:  So sorry for your tragic loss.  You have made the first step by joining this forum.  You will find support here in so many ways by reading and/or responding or asking for support.  I lost my husband in 2015 after a blessed 50+ year marriage, a long time, but also tragic for me in many ways. 

The only thing I can share with you is try not to look into what might happen tomorrow or the next day.  One day at a time, or one minute at a time is all you can do.  Your daughter is your reason to be here.  Your love of your wife and what's in your heart will tell you what you need to do for your daughter.   Dee

 

[David s]

Ty so much and I am very sorry for your loss I will keep reading this board for sure.

[kayc]

David s

Welcome here, I am very sorry though for your reason being here.  My husband died on Father's Day.  My kids visit their dad on Father's Day so I've had to spend it alone each anv. of death as everyone has plans that day, now you're starting that...I'm glad you have your daughter with you, how old is she?  

I wrote this at about ten years out, the things I've found of help that I've learned over the years on this grief journey, I hope something in it is of help to you...the best advice given me was to take a day at a time.  I do that still and it's been nearly 14 years.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[David s]

Called my doctors office today they had one opening, It wasn't my regular doctor to my surprise it was my late wife's doctor. She had saved my wife's life a few years ago after lexington medical Centers er had missed a collapsed lung and my wife had always loved her even before that. The appointment went great she has lost both parents and a daughter so she was very understanding and comforting, adjusted some meds and a big hug. I felt so much better after leaving there. Thanks everyone hopefully we can all have at least a partly good day tomorrow goodnight for now.

 

[kayc]

David s

Thank you for sharing this with us!  And I don't think it's a coincidence that you got this particular doctor, almost like it was your wife reaching down and helping you!  I wish for you a better day today!

[David s]

I do not do religion but I agree no way was it just luck. She made me feel so much better we talked about each other's losses I think we both left the room better than when we went in. Had a good day hope you and anyone that reads this did too. Still can't decide what to do about mother's day yet my daughter goes to church with her grandma and she told me she didn't want to go because they would be working on presents for their moms but that she would go on mother's day for her grandma but we will figure it out together. Thanks for this place 

 

 

[kayc]

Maybe she could work on a present for her grandma instead?  Otherwise maybe she could do something special with you that day instead?

[David s]

Yeah ty those are 2 of the options that we have considered the most. Just kinda playing it by ear and trying to pick up with whatever makes it easier on her. Have a wonderful day and thanks again you give great support and ideas 

[David s]

I really don't care if anyone reads this just wanted to say (or type) Sometimes it's so hard to let my daughter go do stuff with her friends cause I feel like I need her just to hug or talk or hangout but I know that would be selfish so I smile and lie and tell her of course it's ok.

[JTP]

David - of course you want to hold what you love close to you. As with you, my Bob died suddenly, (22 weeks ago today), no warning. I did CPR but always knew from the second I saw him that he was gone and nothing I would do would change that. Having experienced death in that way, we know more than most, that life changes (or rather death happens) in the blink of an eye so I think it is absolutely natural to want to keep things close. You deserve so many hugs for being brave enough, loving enough to let your daughter go do her "stuff". Love and support. And I believe you don't need "to do religion" to believe in the spirit world and know that our loved ones are there for us. They send us messages if we can only learn to "speak" their language

[Robinandkevin]

I am so sorry for your loss my heart goes out for why you are here I wish there was some way I could take all your hurt and pain away I am close to your age my husband passed away to a drug overdose 3 years ago I was 46 but no age is easy to loose the love you had yesterday was my three year mark and I actually feel worse today than yesterday but I know I will be dealing with this the rest of my life so I just ride the waves it is very hard to see people you are close to and care about trying to go on and do things again when you feel like the world should just stop but unfortunately it doesn’t I noticed myself yesterday looking at my children’s Facebook seeing if the posted about their dad for the last two years everyone did this year some didn’t and for a split second I couldn’t believe they didn’t I had to remind myself that it didn’t mean they didn’t care or not love or remember him they always will but they need to live again to the best of their ability my Kevin would want that for us all we all need to find our way on this long road ahead of us I am so sorry for your loss hugs 💜

[David s]

Thanks and so sorry for your loss. I signed me and my daughter into counseling separately cause I wanted to make sure she could talk to someone and to make sure I was doing ok and meeting her needs. What I didn't realize was that she was doing better than me because until I found this board I was trying to be the man and that I could be strong enough for everyone. Now she says she is ready to stop her weekly counseling, And I am finally realizing that I am just starting my journey and it is so hard to do in person God I hate showing weekness. This site is so much easier and makes it a little easier to talk to a person face to face. Sorry this was so long, Just wanted to say again how great this board is and I am very sorry that any of us has to go thru the loss it took to get us here.

[MartyT]

My dear David, it warms my heart to learn that you are finding our site to be of benefit to you in your grief journey, and I thank you for sharing those comments. It's good to know that your daughter is doing well, and I want to leave you with something I've learned in my many years of companioning the bereaved: As a parent, the best way you can take care of your daughter in her grief is to take care of your own grief first. From what you've just said, it would seem to me that you are doing just that. Good for you.

I don't know the age of your daughter, but you may find one or more of the articles listed on this page to be helpful: Children, Teens & Grief  ♥

[Gwenivere]

David, you and your daughter both suffered a huge loss.  The journey will be different for you both by your connection to your wife.  I’ve been the child and the spouse.  Many of us have.  Losing my mother was a primal bond of being protected and taught about life. Being a wife was an ultimate bond of giving myself to someone and they to me forever.  Nature ran its course in both situations.  The grieving is very different.  I love and miss my mother deeply, but she was not a part of my daily life anymore.  I still feel I lost her too soon at 35.  Steve was my life for almost 40 years.  31 married.  I’m glad you both have each other.  She needs to see your grief and you hers.  Both shared the feeling we were loved and the most important person in the world.  To ,lose that is indescribable pain.  I’m glad you found us, but sad you had to.  

[kayc]

David,

When George died, my son came home  and then had to get back to the Air Force.  One day he called me and was sobbing and said, "Mom, I don't know what's wrong with me!  I wake up crying, I start crying in the middle of my work."  George became his stepfather when he was a teen, his own dad was Italian and taught him boys don't cry, from the time he was a baby.  His father didn't show emotion of any kind except anger.  But George was a friend to him and thought the world of my son.   I told him, "You're grieving and it's okay.  People around you should understand."  And they did.  

We learn things in our grief because it's a new experience for us.  It's okay to feel the pain, it's unnatural not to.  Yet like Gwen said, we are grieving different relationships than our children are and it can impact us differently.  We have lost our lover, partner, the person that did half the chores, the person that contributed half the income, the person we talked over our day with, the person we could count on.  For children it is their protector, teacher, their biggest fan.  Both very important relationships that are sorely missed, yet different too.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

[David s]

Not looking for responses and I hope it's ok if I just stick with my first post to say stuff that I need to say didn't want to post a bunch of new posts. Like I have said before this site or board or whatever it is called has been so comforting and I have learned so much by reading others posts and comments and the links are so perfect sometimes. Anyway not looking for comments or anything just wanted to type about the guilt part. I know I am not responsible but at the same time I was definitely an enabler and I followed the if you can't beat them then join them frame of mind. I know 100 percent I could have made things different but might have gotten the same results, Guess I will never know for sure but hopefully I at least learned what not to do again.

[Kieron]

20 hours ago, David s said:

but hopefully I at least learned what not to do again.

I know just what you mean.  I have wondered many of the same things you mention.

it's totally fine to add to your own first post.  I do it a lot with my own first-time post!  😏

[David s]

Hey everyone thank you all for your wisdom in learning one of the hardest thing we will ever go through and thankfully I found y'all. The 30th or tomorrow would have been our tenth anniversary God am I glad may is ending soon between her dying I'm mother's day last year and the one year anniversary of her death on the thirteenth and now our wedding anniversary it has been a rough month. I had gotten all my paperwork in order because I didn't think I would make it and wanted everything settled for my daughter. But after reading things in this group like passive suicide somehow made me feel better. Still can't promise anything except that my 11 year old daughter has been what's kept me going. Need someone to talk to besides counselor that can know what I and we are going through. Thanks again for all y'all do to pass on your lessons and wisdom. I quit taking about 8 pills a day my doctor had given me still have more to go How many people wake up disappointed that they woke up. Not sure if I feel that way but sometimes I do for sure.

 David

[Gwenivere]

David, if it helps, I wake up every day wishing I didn’t have to.  Even getting dressed is a monumental chore.  I like the sleep world.  At least there now, I have this life that feels involved with the human race.  Kinda ironic.  If I see Steve the waking up is doubly hard.  It’s also hard when anniversaries are clustered together.  They would be hard anyway, but no time to regroup and prepare.  Mine are from late October thru late January with the holidays thrown in of happy families.  It’s hard now hating what was our favorite time of year.  Torture watching others all excited.  There’s no outrunning it either.  His death, our birthdays and anniversary so we were always doing something fun.  People that know me don’t even bother to invite me to anything and I’m glad.  I would hate to come home after seeing what they still have.  Best I just stumble my way thru it.  

 

[kayc]

David s,

Thinking of you as you go through today.  I'm glad you keep going for your daughter's sake, sometimes we need that incentive, mine is my dog and even the cranky cat.  George's birthday is June 14 and his death day June 19 so I have that to get through again, those days definitely don't get easier, not for me anyway.  October is our anniversary so at least I'm spared that for a while.  Not sure there's an easy way to get through these days, we're all different about what works for us.

[David s]

 

.You said it exaxtly. May is my worst but she's birthday was jan. 22 mine is Feb 1st. But that wasn't so bad. But the sleep world is so much better for now still hoping for me and you and all the others that things will get better at least a little.