A Day Of Tears

[Dusky]

I am so sad today – the pain is so intense. You would think that after more than 10 months that these crushing downs would not be with me – but today I feel so very alone – and so I have come to visit you all.

It’s nearly the middle of June. June 15th was Jacks birthday – perhaps this upcoming day is dragging me backwards. And then I realize that July is right around the corner – the month in which he died – July 31st. I still can’t believe that I have gone this long with out his presence in my life. I know he is with me in my heart – but the sadness is so overwhelming for me today.

I recently returned from Michigan where I gave a way a scholarship in his name to a lovely young girl who will be pursuing the same career (Beautician) that he loved so much. Although I have done so much to try to help memorialize Jack I just can’t stop crying today. I miss him so much today. I am in one of those valleys and it feels like I am being sucked into a back hole.

For those of you who have passed the one-year anniversary date of your loved ones death – can you tell me if you began to have deeper sorrow as the date slowly approached? I just miss Jack so much today. Any words of advise? What did you do? How did you get through this feeling of helplessness and despair? I’m really sad right now – I can’t stop crying.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

[WaltC]

(((John))) I am so sorry that you are in such pain today.

Just remember that if we had not loved them so darn much we would not feel such pain. Pain is never pleasant, but it does remind us of how much we loved our partners. I am gald that you did come here to share with your on-line friends.

Even though our loved ones are present in out hearts it is still sad to not have their physical presence and touch. I can feel your pain John and I wish that I could do something to ease it. I have been in those valleys and been sucked into those black holes also.

I have survived the one year anniversary of Jean's death, but I honestly don't know how or why. I did promise her that I would try and I have been blessed by dreams of her presence and reminders to carry on and be happy. I can do the carry on part but the "be happy" has eluded me so far.

I don't want to be depressing so I will stop there. One activity that has helped me survive day by day is reading various books and articles on Grief.

One that I read recently was The Heart of Grief by Thomas Attig (2000) [Death and the Search for Lasting Love – ISBN 0-19-515625-0]

Here are a few excerpts. I hope they give you some comfort also:

“Grief ebbs but grief never ends. Death ends a life but death does not end a relationship” – Julius Lester

…life is drained of its meaning…We do not want to stop loving them. We rightly resist those who say we must. We know in our hearts that it matters too much and to those who died.

We continue to hold those we love in our hearts, in the vital centers of our lives…We don’t ever entirely finish with grieving because as we grieve and seek lasting love, we are responding to persistent mysteries that pervade our lives. Love and suffering become our lifelong teachers...in lasting love we affirm the value of the meaningful differences those we love have made.

We fulfill our desire to continue loving those who died. We accept their legacies and make them our own. We blend what they have given and continue to give, into the lives we reshape and redirect. We make ourselves whole again as individuals…

Though we still miss them, we experience the pain of missing them differently. …we have lost their physical presence. But not all is lost….The richness of lasting love consoles us. We are still drawn to them and fascinated by them in separation.

Those who died wanted us to remember and to cherish the good that was in them and our lives with them… and they wanted us to return to, thrive, and prosper in the world where they no longer live, to cherish the life they no longer enjoy.

Sometimes they told us this explicitly before they died.

They want us to hold them in our hearts….We love them when we go on without them by our sides, with lasting love for them in our hearts. …..your lasting love will temper your sorrow in missing them.

Take care of your self John I know that Jack is looking over you and is proud of how you honour his memory. He would love to be there to physically hold you and dry those tears.

Edited June 11, 2006 by WaltC

[Charlie]

Dusky,

I am so sorry you are going thru this intense painful time. My year was Oct 20,2005 and getting thru that day was really painful. I relived those horrible moments when he took his last breath and I knew I had lost him forever. Loving someone so deep and losing them takes a part of you too that you can never replace. Memories, thats what keeps me going, all the wonderful memories of how much we loved each other.

Jack would be so proud that you did such a wonderful thing to honor him and I know he is watching over you.

Stay strong, we are all here for you.

Grace

[debr88]

Hugs for you John.I know exactly how you feel.Try to remember the good times...and how you made Jack's life so much better just by being there with him.

Take Care,

Deb

Edited June 11, 2006 by debr88

[LarrysGirl]

Dusky,

I wanted to send a message to you to help you through this and I'm struggling with what to say. I'm only into six months almost seven and I want time to stand still. I don't know what a year will feel like but I can only imagine.

I just wanted you to know that when I came here, You and what you wrote helped me so much and still do. I know you miss Jack and I feel your love for him from your words. I don't know how to help you thru but wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. Deborah

[MartyT]

My dear John,

I just want to add my voice to everyone else's to assure you that on this site you are one of our most precious treasures, we care deeply for you, we are here for you, and you are not alone.

I want to gently suggest to you, John, that these days -- this birthday, this one-year anniversary of Jack's death -- are only as important and as significant as you choose to make them. Be careful lest you attach so much significance to a given date that you give it the power to overwhelm you with dread and despair. Think about it for a moment. Do you think you will be missing Jack any less on June 16 or August 1 than you will be missing him on June 15 or July 31? Oftentimes the anticipation of a birthday or an anniversary date is worse than the actual day, because we torture ourselves so much ahead of time by thinking how awful it is going to be for us! Keep in mind that you are in charge of how you choose to regard these days -- and any other days -- on your own calendar.

Perhaps you can use this time before these special days to plan ahead on how you choose to spend them -- even if you plan to do nothing special at all. Even if you plan to be alone, you can build some comfort and healing into them. Just don't set yourself up for a bad day. As this first year draws to a close, for example, you might think about planning a memorial ritual (private or not) that could serve as your rite of passage, to mark a shift in the way you mourn, or as an official end to this first year of mourning.

Whatever you decide to do, John, please know that we feel your pain, and we are holding you in gentle thought and prayer at this sad and difficult time.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[ustwo]

Dusky (John), I am so sorry you are in such pain and sorrow. Hang on to the love only you and Jack know. For me today passes as a gentle breeze of sorrow as I am at the last of the "firsts"...the year mark. The clock ticking by moment to moment and reliving each today is mingled with the knowledge that I know Gene was happy through his life...we lived life completely, savoring all the little moments and we lived this life in love...true love and I know that it goes on. The tears do not fall today like daggers through my heart they were a year ago. Through my tears today I can hear Gene telling me as he always did "I love you darling". The emptiness will always be there...I want to be with Gene but I can not yet. The next wave will come but now I know to expect it and to let it pass through me...when it passes I now hold on to the memories...the love is my liferaft. I visited a couple today..friends in their 80's who are a glimse of what could have been...what Gene and I would have been in our 80's. I tell myself as the tears fall that Gene's tenderness, his love, his courage, all that goodness... I carry for Gene now with him watching.

I do not know where a year has gone. I do not know how I have survived this long without Gene. I do not look beyond now. But I do know that as tomorrow comes Gene is always with me, in my heart and with every breathe I take. The next wave will come and it will pass through me but it will not take my love for Gene. It will bring the warm memories with it.

John hang on to the love Jack gave to you. His love and courage will get you through. You honor Jack's love so tenderley in so many ways. Jack's love is etched in your heart.

Always Gene!

Always my love!

[spela]

John, I wish I had some advice - but I'm not that clever. Yes, I've survived one-year mark, and it was a difficult time. Because I knew I had been through ALL the anniversaries, all the special dates, and I would have to do it again, just this time I already know it would be hard. I don't know how much sense that makes, but I'm afraid I cna't explain it in any other way.

I admire you for what you've been able to do in Jack's memory. I really do. I wish I could do similar things, and I WILL, but I just don't have enough energy now ... It IS ok to cry, and it is ok to feel down. Just accept these feelings, they're part of you. You don't HAVE TO be strong all the time. I am just the opposite, I fear, and feel lonely most of the time.

You can make it. There will always be good and bad days. Just don't feel guilty for having a bad day. And think od how much you've done. For Jack, and for us.

[Guest PattiZ54]

John - I, too, am so sorry that you have reached this point. I just passed the second birthday(his) without him. Yesterday would have been his 48th birthday and this coming Saturday, the 16th, would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. Basically, June sucks for me!! I do have to tell you that the 2nd time was a little easier - not as many tears.

I have to tell all of you what we did this past Friday. In a letter that Charlie wrote to me before he passed, he asked that he be cremated and to have his ashes spread in a lake that he loved and used to spend HOURS every week waterskiing on with his family and his best friend(his brotherinlaw). He wanted this done on a sunny day, so we picked June and we were going to do it on his birthday, but due to circumstances we had to do it Friday. My brotherinlaw, sisterinlaw, motherinlaw and I drove to California(we live in AZ)to the lake just like he wanted. It was a gorgeous day (courtesy of him I'm sure....)and we took his ashes and went all the way back to the waterfall where he and his brotherinlaw spent lots of time. I'm now going to tell you of a "WaltC" experience....there were two bald eagles flying around the whole time we were there and a yellow butterfly that came and set down on a leaf on a tree that was right next to me. It flew around and would disappear for a few minutes and then I would see it somewhere around the waterfall. (I know it was him!) It came within inches of me and my inlaws thought that was so cool. So we said lots of things about my wonderful husband and cried alot of tears, released his ashes in the pool that the waterfall had made and now when it rains he will be released into the lake slowly. We made a cross out of some sticks and put some roses on it, threw a few of the roses in the pool and went and sat in the boat listening to some "tunes" that my husband loved. Once again....the butterfly appeared (the eagles where flying around the whole time we were there, too)and landed on the boat just for a second. I think he was telling us what a great job we had done in releasing him. As we left we threw the last of the roses in the water and drove away. The eagles continued to appear and it seemed as if they were following us. Once we reached the open waters, they were gone. I think they were just making sure we made it out of the "narrows" OK. At some point I think I saw the butterfly once more.

It was truly a beautiful experience!! As sad as I still am because I miss him so much, my heart actually feels a little lighter KNOWING he is exactly where he wanted to be. We had done exactly what he asked us to do and NOW he was free.

His dad had passed away about 15 years ago and we still had his ashes, so we took some of them and released them with Charlie's. Now they are together in a place that both of them loved so much.

I just wanted to share that with you because I think I had told you all, before, that we were going to be doing that soon.

My thoughts are with all of you today and every day. Hugs to all of you!!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[WaltC]

...the butterfly appeared (the eagles where flying around the whole time we were there, too)and landed on the boat just for a second. I think he was telling us what a great job we had done in releasing him. As we left we threw the last of the roses in the water and drove away. The eagles continued to appear and it seemed as if they were following us. Once we reached the open waters, they were gone. I think they were just making sure we made it out of the "narrows" OK. At some point I think I saw the butterfly once more.

It was truly a beautiful experience!! As sad as I still am because I miss him so much, my heart actually feels a little lighter KNOWING he is exactly where he wanted to be. We had done exactly what he asked us to do and NOW he was free.....Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

Thanks for sharing that experience with us Patti - I hope it brings some comfort to John and others - I know it helps me to know that others feel the very real presence of their departed loved ones.

[Dusky]

Walt C, Charlie, Debr88, LarrysGirl, Ustwo, MartyT, Spela, and PattiZ54,

Thanks to each of you for your thoughtful reply to my message. Each of you and everyone on this site – remains a place where I can always come and share my most painful moments. Your understanding and concern remains one of my best sources of healing.

BTW - WaltC – I did purchase the book The Heart of Grief – by Thomas Attig – and I have started to read it. It is providing me a new perspective on the grief process. Thank you so much for this information.

Since Jacks Birthday is Thursday – I have decided to have two clocks repaired that for some reason stopped during the course of his illness. These were two presents I gave to Jack nearly 25 years ago and have some very special meaning to our relationship. I figured that in his memory I would have them repaired so that they will once again ring and chime – a symbol – perhaps – that Jack would want time to move forward. It seemed appropriate to fix these symbols of love – in his memory.

Love to you all – with deep appreciation for always being there.

John – Dusky is my handle on here.

[kayc]

Dusky,

It is odd that I happen to be reading this today...today is my George's birthday...and June 19th is the one year anniversary of his death...it was also on Father's Day so I get double whammied with anniversaries. I don't know how I've survived this year. I grieved hard and really worked at the grief for several months, but then I started trying to block it out because I couldn't stand the pain...but of course it comes through...I just try to shove it away. I don't know how it is that it's been a year, and I certainly don't know how I've lived through it, it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I think what you're doing is good and helpful...by trying to do something good in his memory. I can't hardly take the memory...I don't want to, it's so hard, so unbearable. He was the love of my life, my soulmate, we were supposed to grow old together in rocking chairs! We bought a porch swing to sit out under the stars...how could he leave me like this?! That doesn't really warrant an answer...I know he wouldn't have wanted to, it's just, I have all this pain, and I feel so ditched and alone and abandoned. I had no idea it would hurt so like this, I always knew he'd have a hard time if he was the one left, but I was always so strong, so able to deal with anything...I just didn't expect this. Tonight I found myself wishing I was dead because it's just too hard to live, I hate it. I'm laid off work, I'm scared, I'm so alone. My kids are grown, they have their lives, our friends disappeared, I've made a couple of new ones, but really, this life is just so hard. I never felt this way before. George was my greatest fan, he lived for me, I miss his big strong arms and his personality...he was like a puppy wagging it's tail, always so full of life and energy and smiles...and now he's gone. How can anyone so vibrant be gone? Why can't I reach him? How can a loving God let your best friend be yanked away? Again, I don't need answers, it isn't really a question, I'm just venting how I feel. My whole life has changed, and not for the better. He was the one I leaned on, and it's funny, he always thought it was the other way around. I loved his smell, I miss him so much...

[Guest PattiZ54]

Kayc - I am so sorry for all the pain that you are having. I remember the one year mark being very hard, too. I think it's at that point when you start realizing (I mean, really realizing) that you are on your own.

I know how you feel. Charlie and I were together for 20 years and those were the best 20 years of my life. He and I were truly in love with each other and spent every minute that we could together. If we weren't working, then we were together. My heart is broken and there are definate times when I wonder how he could have been "yanked" from me - when there are so many people, couples, out there that don't enjoy being with each other....yet THEY still are. It definately is not fair!

I was laid off a few months ago and it is a very scary thing. To not have any other income but your own....and now you don't have that. Fortunately for me I am back working, but I work on commission and sometimes I'm not sure how I am going to make it. I have to keep going for my daughter and my grandkids - they mean everything to me and I have to be here to help and to see them grow up. So....I just keep going.

Last Saturday would have been Charlie's 48th birthday and this Saturday would have been our 17th wedding anniversary - June sucks for me, too! When I think about things like that, it seems so unreal. We would have spent those two special days together, probably at the river with our family and friends. The family and friends still go to the river and enjoy spending the time there....me?, not so much. I don't like being there by myself - it was something we always did together, so I don't go there very often now. Definate sad times.

I so much hope that things turn around for you. Please keep coming here and venting....you know that's OK. We are here to help each other get through these rough times!

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[Dusky]

KayC,

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sure these are difficult days for you with the Georges Birthday and One Year anniversary so close together – Plus Fathers Day.

I have been reading a book called The Heart Of Grief by Thomas Attig. It was a book suggested by WaltC – and is really very good. If I get a chance I may post some information form the book that was particularly helpful.

I ask the same type of questions that you list in your message. I think the biggest unanswered question for me remains - Why our society does not understand the enormity of the grieving process and all that it entails. I still struggle with people – and some of them “family” – that just don’t get it. The death of our Spouse or Partner is a life-altering event that has changed me forever – I will never be the same person again – those looking for the return of “the old John” will never find me – he died when Jack died. What will eventually emerge will be the “new version of John” - which will hopefully incorporated the best of what Jack and John used to be.

Thanks again for your kind message – I will be thinking of you as the next few days unfold. I am so grateful to you and all my friends on this site – people who truly “get it”.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

[kayc]

Dusky,

It is true, we are not the same person again, we never will be. But we have learned a lot, and I will never again be the same to someone who has lost a loved one. Now I know what it entails. This site has been such a lifesaver to me, I could not have made it without everyone here.