My Sanity Needed Vents

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, scba said:

He lived there for 6 months. I sometimes have a "vision" from the moment when I would leave to work and he would wave at me from the balcony, checking that I took the bike and left safely. 

Ana:  Six months is such a short time as you and your boyfriend planned your life together purchasing furniture, household items to start a life together.  So sad to read how quickly it changed.  The vision you have reminds you how much you were loved.  I wish you could relive those months all over again.  Hugs, Dee

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Those that haven’t here I’ve created a face by imagination. The couple I’ve talked to voice I’ve created an image.  I’ve had dreams about some of you and I recognize you immediately.  

Gwen: Oh my, can't imagine what image has been created to fill in "avatar" for me.  My son just put some new, brighter lightbulbs in my bathroom and hung a mirror closer to where I stand next to the sink.  I hardly recognize myself.  I have aged so much it is frightening to me.   

I met with a cataract surgeon today and as I had hoped, I will be scheduled for cataract surgery.  The soonest time is in March.  I knew It was needed and am looking forward to it.  Who knows, I might be able to see my wrinkles better. LOL

As I prepared for the appointment today I was wishing my husband would be there.   I know the surgery is simple, painless and quick compared to what you've had to endure without Steve.  It just all would be easier for a strong arm to lean on.

Hope you are able to solve your IPad issues.  I don't know how you have the energy to focus on solutions.  You are amazing.  Have a good evening.  Dee

[KarenK]

Dee, my appointment is tomorrow. Will let you know the outcome.

Gwen, my Kindle is like that. It does things by itself if my finger is near something without actually touching it.

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Dee, my appointment is tomorrow. Will let you know the outcome.

Karen:   Positive thoughts coming to you, and if you decide to go through with surgery I hope you won't have to wait too long .    Dee

[V. R.]

I'm sitting here this morning, reading all your recent lovely posts, and I'm practically in tears, heartfelt sorrow for you all. 

I'm sure some of you have been told by others when trying to comforting you:'you must go on, can't live in the past, etc, etc.'

Well, I say NO, , time perhaps is moving on, my body is moving on, getting old and so on, but my mind isn't. I carry on, exactly because I constantly think of him 24 hours a day, I talk to him, ask him for advice, apologize for not being able to carry out all the chores he used to care of (he was our 'rock', he did everything, made all the decisions and honestly, he was always right). I used to teasingly call him Mr Wolf, the problem-solver (from a Quentin Tarantino film). 

Perhaps, it's a bit 'cliche', to say : "oh, all the things I should have said to you, and never did, I should have said 'I love you' more often, should have been more loving, understanding (me and my stupid 'reserved, timid personality!). 

Glad to have you all. 

Enza

 

[Roxi]

Ciao Enza i'm from Milan.

I never wrote in this forum. I'm really sorry for your loss...i lost my love almost 4 years ago! I always miss him and regret for the words i said and the words i didn't say...

Ma sfortunatamente non possiamo tornare indietro e cambiare le cose. Penso che il tuo meraviglioso marito sappia cosa hai nel tuo cuore...

Un abbraccio Roxi

[Gwenivere]

Today was more tolerable for fatigue.  It’s an odd one tho.  If I sleep on one side, I actually get a few hours.  But then sitting up after pain shoots down my legs that’s the worst I’ve ever felt.  If I sleep on the other side, it’s pretty much pain most of it and morning pain is maybe less.  Now I have to factor getting up and getting back in without a catheter. It’s getting harder to make this decision every night.  
 

Called Dee.  Realized I didn’t have much to say.  Like my rambling here.  Have stuff to watch on the iPad.  Seems it runs.   It’s times like these I so want Steve back.  Show me there’s reason to fight to keep  going.  Picking out something new to eat I can’t do at home isn’t enough.  I love the staff, but they are on a clock.  Being someone who got burned out thru Steve’s cancer necessities thru out the house was so hard.  Required on him too. We slowly lost our nest we loved.  Boxes in the mail of more supplies.  Now it would be my stuff too.  Where are our babies?  Left over chew toys, extra dog beds and empty collars.  No Melody til gawd knows when if ever.  
 

GAWD!  I just got stuck needing a new gown and sitting in pain my friggin' nurse answered the call but never came.  Had to call again a woman came in right away.  My meds are late and I got a walk in with my CNA who I never saw all day because most of her patients are on the adjoining ward that has a civil patient.  The doors were closed but she took me in there.  I thought they maybe closed them at night.  I’m angry she didn’t tell me.  She wasn’t very nice anyway.  But then, I don’t know I’d feel being a care worker around that.  Even so, I should have been told.  

 Found Arby's has better French dips than here and they have great food.   Great fish, Mexican, pasta and burgers.  That will be the highlight of the day.  Pretty sad.  Will be hoping for a good nurse who doesn’t ask me what meds I need.  I know most, but not the opiates.  
 

it’s almost 2am and the visitors next door are still here.  Loud in and out of the room.  See ya later today.  Love…..💕 Gwen 

[Roxi]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s times like these I so want Steve back

I wish you can have your Steve by your side again Gwen..with them with us nothing seem so unbearable!

I'm very sorry you have to face all of that!

Hope it will better soon! A big hug

[kayc]

OMG Gwen, I'm sorry you're having to deal with incompetence on top of your pain.  They shouldn't be asking YOU what meds you need, they should HAVE that and look at it!  No excuse for them being late....I hate hospitals.  Did I mention I hate hospitals?

Do you mean a Covid patient (closed doors)...I hope you weren't in contact!  One day at a time, sometimes one minute is enought.

4 hours ago, Roxi said:

i lost my love almost 4 years ago!

I am so sorry for your loss, but glad you found your way here, welcome!  I realize you've been doing this quite a while, but in case...

Tips to Make Your Way through Grief

Grief Process

[V. R.]

5 hours ago, Roxi said:

Ciao Enza i'm from Milan.

I never wrote in this forum. I'm really sorry for your loss...i lost my love almost 4 years ago! I always miss him and regret for the words i said and the words i didn't say...

Ma sfortunatamente non possiamo tornare indietro e cambiare le cose. Penso che il tuo meraviglioso marito sappia cosa hai nel tuo cuore...

Un abbraccio Roxi

Grazie per le tue parole, Roxi. 

I'm so sorry too, for your loss. I am so grateful I've found this forum, I feel so much comfort by sharing my thoughts and feelings, letting myself go, and saying whatever I want, knowing I will be understood. I'm sure you will, too. 

Un abbraccio anche a te. 

Enza (da Benevento) 

[Roxi]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

glad you found your way here, welcome!

Thanks Kay we are friends already in the other forum...i am Roxeanne there! You're always kind and comforting for everyone and i'm glad you're a tower of strengh in this forum too...😻

[Roxi]

5 hours ago, V. R. said:

. I am so grateful I've found this forum

I am so grateful too! After my loss i was looking for understanding and comfort deeper than that received from friends and relatives...and the only people who can understand were the ones who were living the same experience...and i found my first forum ! I found comfort and support and i understood my own feelings through the posts of the others...there were years of precious knowledge about grief and friends of years that keep on posting..one day the site administrators changed the whole site, deleted all the posts and all the people were dispersed...i was destabilized, i needed it like the air i breathe...!

Only to say how important it was for me...

You are in the raw grief, and you are in the right place...

Non c'e' niente di meglio per affrontare il terribile dolore della perdita che sfogarsi e trovare aiuto nelle persone che hanno camminato prima di te su questo doloroso sentiero.

Grazie e tieni duro...diventa piu' sopportabile e ci adattiamo a una nuova realta'...ma non ci passera' mai del tutto! Un bacione Roxi

[KarenK]

Kay, I'm not sure but I think a civil patient might be an incarcerated person with a guard present. Not sure a hospital would make that public knowledge. Just my guess.

[KarenK]

Had my cataract evaluation today. Eyes are still wacko from the dilation drops 7 hours later. Will be having surgery on Feb 14 and Feb 28. Lots of appointments scheduled for pre op/ post op stuff. Insurance should cover the basic surgery, but not the laser one. Will know for sure at the first pre op, supposedly. Seems it's like pulling teeth to get a definitive answer about cost. Doctor said no covid test required before surgery.

After all that, I need to schedule my yearly dermatologist appt and then maybe get back to the dentist to have my 3 broken teeth pulled. It's a lot of work to stay in one piece at this age.  lol  Not exactly like planning a fun vacation(foreign word to me now).

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Had my cataract evaluation today. Eyes are still wacko from the dilation drops 7 hours later. Will be having surgery on Feb 14 and Feb 28. Lots of appointments scheduled for pre op/ post op stuff.

Great Karen:  You don't have to wait too long for your surgery.  Does the two dates mentioned mean you will be having both eyes done or is the second date a follow up appointment?    My surgeon says my right eye will be done about a month after the left eye.  The dilation seems to take forever before vision returns to normal.  Dee

[KarenK]

Both eyes, Dee. The right eye on the 14th, preceded by a pre op appt and followed by a post op appt. The same for the left eye on the 28th. Then a final appt with the optometrist. That's probably to see if I still need glasses. I don't think the surgery magically eliminates that possibility. It will be interesting to see the difference all this makes. I can tell my vision is getting worse rapidly. Six months ago, I could read words on tv. Can't now if I'm more than 3 feet away. A bit scary too.

[Gwenivere]

On 1/12/2022 at 4:38 AM, kayc said:

Gwen, I'm sorry you're having to deal with incompetence on top of your pain.  Did I mention I hate hospitals?

This was a situation of a nurse forcibly giving meds for her convenience.  I talked to the manager about her and the one that wouldn’t assist me getting up the 2nd day after surgery.  As for hating hospitals, don’t know anyone that doesn’t. This is a great one, but there’s no place like home.

On 1/12/2022 at 4:38 AM, kayc said:

Do you mean a Covid patient (closed doors)...I hope you weren't in contact! 

Yes, covid.  They have systems where the air doesn’t get into the hall.  That’s why we don’t have to wear masks in our rooms.  I hope rehab won’t make us.  People dealing with those patients have different gear when going in.  
 

Wednesday was a day of more extreme frustration.  Started with being woken up by nature and a nurse who tried to give me meds due 5 hours later. She also put a nicotine patch on I didn’t know.  I gave those up months ago so was having worse sleep.  Then it was over 4 hours during the day trying to get my email back.  I’m using chrome now so I can communicate.  I just don’t know if it will work when I get moved.  The goal is get it back onto its own app.  
 

In between was PT.  Up and down not realizing how much water I drink.  It’s the up and  down of It that’s killer!  I forget I can have opiate pain killers unless the nurse asks.  My nurse now said tell the morning one to remind me every 3 hours.  I had none for over 8 hours.  
 

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

It's a lot of work to stay in one piece at this age.  lol  Not exactly like planning a fun vacation(foreign word to me now).

Ya know, a Covid test is kinda handy if you can get a free home one.  I like knowing.  But I’d never want to have to do those crowded sites again.  I lucked out the hospital had scheduled one so in and out in no time. 
 

 Eye stuff scares me.  Dee is the cheerleader on that.  I think your both fantastically brave.  Pain or not.  I’m hoping my teeth hold up.  Couldn’t even do a dentist.  I hope you have good coverage as everything else costs a fortune. It’s so cruel how we have to do things with these bodies, and it’s a lot of stress no one deserves.  You’ll have to keep us on on the journey.  💖

it is sad our 'vacations' are hoping for no bad physical news.  I’d much rather be planning drinks and a primo meal at one of the many places we have with dynamic scenery, like fresh caught crab.  And a full set of dependable choppers.  

[KarenK]

Kind of odd, but it seems some testing locations here have closed. The backward thinking is to close them because the demand is so high??? Who thought that one up?

I'm laughing because I really dropped the ball on your "civil patient" term in your other post. It really is a real thing. I couldn't imagine what else you meant.  I could have started a good false rumor.

I'm a bit nervous about the surgery only because it's an unknown for me. Supposedly it's no big deal. Should be able to drive again when it's all said and done. The eye surgery won't get rid of the crazy dizziness I get though so will play it all by ear.

Crazy about the nicotine patch! Wonder how she got the idea without a doctor's request? You really do have to be your own advocate.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Roxi said:

Thanks Kay we are friends already in the other forum...i am Roxeanne there!

Oh my gosh, hi, Roxeanne!  I didn't know you went by Roxi in real life!    Yes, I know you!  This is the place I found 16 1/2 years ago, just three weeks after losing my George.  This is the place owned and ran by a grief counselor, my mentor and (now friend) @MartyT.  I've been collecting her wealth of knowledge/inspiration for YEARS!  I started saving her articles (and WYG, etc.) at about ten years out I think.  She has helped me in my journey to realize  meaning and purpose in it, thereby not having it be a waste, but learn through it.

Well, welcome here as well!!!

[kayc]

Karen, I'm amazed you don't need a Covid test before the surgery, I have to drive 120 miles for one three days before just MEETING the gastroenterologist in April!  Will go in after church, ugh I hate going to the valley, long day!  I have to go today to the dermatologist.

I think my sister had eight appts involved with her cataracts/surgeries, postops.  She needs bifocals but refused to get them, got far away lenses, not sure why as what she needs is close up.  Sigh, can't argue with dementia!

I hope this greatly improves your eyesight, it seems to most people!  I have cataracts too but they keep saying they aren't bad enough yet, that's good but the older I get the more on my own I am, will have to have a driver for all those appts, who do you get when you don't have a husband or family member to do it?  All my friends are aging too!

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I hope rehab won’t make us.

I'm sure they vary, but Peggy didn't need one in rehab. 

I hope they aren't killing you in there.  Bite them if they do!
 

[Widow2015]

8 hours ago, KarenK said:

Both eyes, Dee. The right eye on the 14th, preceded by a pre op appt and followed by a post op appt. The same for the left eye on the 28th. Then a final appt with the optometrist. That's probably to see if I still need glasses. I don't think the surgery magically eliminates that possibility. It will be interesting to see the difference all this makes. I can tell my vision is getting worse rapidly. Six months ago, I could read words on tv. Can't now if I'm more than 3 feet away. A bit scary too.

Karen, your surgery sounds exciting  because you get both eyes done so quickly.   Everyone I have shared my cataract surgery with assures me the surgery is quick and minimal discomfort.  I feel your aggravation about not being able to drive.  The thought of giving up driving is more frightening than the surgery. 

My son laughs at me as he notices how my recliner gradually moves closer to the TV every week or so.

Good thoughts coming your way.  Dee

[Roxi]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

This is the place I found 16 1/2 years ago, just three weeks after losing my George. 

Thanks Kay...you were lucky! I found that site a year after i lose my Giorgio..(.i feel a connection with you as our loved ones had the same name😂!) And then they ruined everything changed the site and made me upset...luchily i found other sites and others nice people...i read some articles wrote by your friend Marty...she's great!

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

The thought of giving up driving is more frightening than the surgery. 

For different reasons, I totally understand that. My whole goal was not become dependent on a walking device.  A cane would be OK, but more support/repair was the 'motivation' to take this risk. 

I think about my father who was withering away is last year without his car, so shopping or drives which loved to do, losing his dog and walks.  His only outings were medical and a few for a beer and burger with a cousin.  He wouldn’t even let me come down to see him, he was so depressed.  
 

The last time I drove, (maybe June?) I found heavy rain and darkness becoming difficult.  I know my reactions aren’t as honed anymore.  I’m glad you have your family close, Dee.  It’s just so hard losing more independence.  
 

I got a good chuckle of your recliner moving closer.  TV in your lap soon?  🤪

[Widow2015]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

For different reasons, I totally understand that. My whole goal was not become dependent on a walking device.  A cane would be OK, but more support/repair was the 'motivation' to take this risk. 

I think about my father who was withering away is last year without his car, so shopping or drives which loved to do, losing his dog and walks.  His only outings were medical and a few for a beer and burger with a cousin.  He wouldn’t even let me come down to see him, he was so depressed.  
 

The last time I drove, (maybe June?) I found heavy rain and darkness becoming difficult.  I know my reactions aren’t as honed anymore.  I’m glad you have your family close, Dee.  It’s just so hard losing more independence.  
 

I got a good chuckle of your recliner moving closer.  TV in your lap soon?  🤪

Gwen:  Sorry to read how your Dad's life was towards the end.  How sad he must have felt not even wanting your visits.  I imagine he didn't want you to remember how he had changed once he was gone.

I know I have said to you before how brave I think you are for choosing to go through your back surgery.  I totally understand your decision and am always hoping you will look back someday and say even though it was unbelievably difficult, it was worth it.

These dark days with heavy rain do make it scary to drive.  And, my reaction time to what's around me has changed considerably.  I haven't driven anywhere ( I do drive down a gravel road to pick up Granddaughter when she gets off school bus or to get my mail) except to a eye appointment since probably before Christmas.  I am awaiting my surgery with high hopes.

I was reading an article on cataracts and someone described it as looking through waxed paper.  I agree with that description.   

Yes, I am glad I am close to my son's family.  I do feel well cared for by them even though I live under a different roof.  

Hope your days get easier as you grow stronger.  Hugs, Dee

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Roxi said:

And then they ruined everything changed the site

Marty was with HOV and when they made the changes, she took it all with her and created her own site so we didn't lose anything, we were very lucky she was so proactive!  I tried copying my posts one time, took forever and didn't make a dent, ha! With over 20K posts, I'd be here until doomsday, copying!  HA!  I talk too much.

18 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

My son laughs at me as he notices how my recliner gradually moves closer to the TV every week or so.

Haha, I love it!  Mine isn't far from my recliner so no room to scoot closer!  I already had to have the t.v. wired into my stereo so I can hear it and don't blow out the speakers like I did the last one!  I'm lucky my son knew how to set it up.

Gwen, I know what that's like, I wasn't able to drive at night for eight years!  I was stunned when it reversed!  I still don't like driving in the dark rain but my defrost on my car needs looked at, something not working right on it.  I have to open the windows a crack, fortunately the driver's side seems okay.

If I ever have to be somewhere I imagine being stuck in a RV on my son's property, but I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere where I don't know my way around or have my church family/friends near me!  I'd prefer to stay in Oakridge, don't know who I'd get to drive me though.

Getting old is not for the faint.