My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

Many phone calls already by 3 (I get up at noon). Found a huge bill I already paid  thanks to pain med brain scramble.  Trying to get my surgeon to get the 24 hour X-rays to maybe find out something sooner on my condition than a week from Thursday.  The 24 hour x-rays that disappear.  Hoping they get a good disc by then.  Calls to the CPA.  Can’t get comfortable as it’s too cold for AC but too warm for just the fans.

Had a counseling session today.  So many issues from this roommate adjustment to missing  Melody and the never ending medical catastrophe.  Even worse than being so bent over is the never ending pain.  She did suggest getting out for some fresh air to sit in the car.  That appeals for an break out of here.  
 

Nurse coming out today to check my personal pharmacy and do vitals.  Tried to get my surgeon to get the 24 hour X-rays.  Not sure they understood.  One of Dee’s friends isn’t doing well so she’s all bummed out.  Got a good taste of how it feels  being  so helpless.  Been a very somber evening.  I’m very frustrated that we have have to adapt-to this  with s o many obstacles.  . 
 

I hope How much I  care  for everyone being challenged I’ve bee reading in other topics I’ve been reading.    💕

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Can’t get comfortable as it’s too cold for AC but too warm for just the fans.

That was me last night!  I finally turned off the A/C and opened the windows.  Didn't wake up all night so it was cold when I woke up, I see it'll be in the 70s today so no A/C!  70s and 80s this week, sounds good to me!

 

[Gwenivere]

Dee  woke me about 9:30 that she was going to the hospital. Her desr  friend passed and I’ve never seen her in crisis.  She’s just sitting in her car and says she’ll be home soon.  I don’t now what to do or if I ca help.  I feeldear bad selfishly I want her back as she was.  Our routines will be so altered.  I can’t even stand and hug her.  I want her back for me.  It took so long to find her.  She will be so changed from this.  It was a big part of her identity as we all know. She’s visiting some dogs she cared for.  Maybe some dog kisses will maybe help.   She’s not changing clothes or eating.  It’s been so long since I went thrU this.  I was alone.  Glad I was.  I don’t want to d this again.   I don’t know how to help somebody else.  So much I want to say but I know it won’t help either of us.  
 

The nurse coming today canceled til tomorrow.  That’s 2 days in a row now.  Something abot her daughter.  Another person with a life.  
 

Had to call my shrink.  Said he would call in a months supply of the meds he plans on cutting of, now he says 3, but the number he gave me connects to a medic alert company. I’m thrilled he wen for 3 over the month he originally said. Eventually I’ll have to get a new shrink.  He said eventually he’ll cut these off.  Finding a new doc will be tough since I can’t see in person that I can go inn.  Plus I  want to keep my meds that worked.  For now tho, 3 months would be awesome if I heard right.  
 

My x-rays finally got here so I can keep mu appointment in a week.  Will find out my options for pain and waling.  
 

We finished a mo=ie.quiet night and  somber night.  She’ll be on her. Own mosh of her day today.Most of the day.  Another friend will be hard on Dee.  Never even lost a parent.  Another tough  day together.

I caresses her face and she seemed to find some solace.
 

 

 

[kayc]

She's still staying with you though, right?  Just going to say goodbye to her friend?  I am sorry...that brings so many memories to us...a time I never want to revisit.  I don't think any of us want to.

Have a plumber coming today, anxiety woke me a little after 1, laid there until 3, then got up. Will be glad when today is over.

Iris had her cancer appts. yesterday, took all day to check her, but her prognosis is good!  Her liver is perfect now and her tumors have shrunk, she plans to continue what she's doing (Keto) and hopefully can skip surgery or have a lesser one.

[Gwenivere]

I’m jealous of a dead woman.  It’s all Dee talks about.  Has all her attention.  She still helps me, but is still center stage and lots more to come.  Cleaning out her room, memorial arrangement and spreading ashes.   What’s driving me a bit crazy is she is repeating the same questions and feelings so much.   I want to help, but it gets tedious.  I don’t want to start saying ‘you’ve said that so many times'.  I know this is tough as she is going thrU this sober, unlike her partner years ago.  The emotions feel harder.  
 

I'm also fighting the nonstop pain.  I spent another day on the phone.  My shrink got frustrated calling in my mail order RX's aabd refused to do it again.  I had to call my local (30 instead of 90) and find out how much they would allow.  THen my rehab PA told him the wrong doses so I had to get that right.  I made as simple for him as possible and still don’t know if it will be right.  Home health kept calling bumping into each other for times.  
 

My X-rays showed up.  How I’ll make t to the appointment I don’t know and that day won’t end the pain. I’ve mentioned options.  None will be good.  I’m trying to work on Dee’s physical upkeep.  She’s doing mine.  Have some tough times ahead.  
 

Hoping not to have a phone day.  Dinner tip.  If you have pizza, don’t eat any potato chips.  They don’t miix well.  I was desperate for food and that’s not a good one.  Save then for sandwiches.  I should have had the grape suggested.  

[kayc]

Dee is in the thick of grief, we know what that does to one's brain.  It  can send us totally out of our mind with grief.  No way but straight through it!

Had the plumber out yesterday, glad to have the issue fixed, $202 after senior discount.  Fixed something to eat, took Kodie to his play date, then Bible Study, got home at dinner time.  The A/C thing had slipped from the window so wrangled with that.  Then my extension cord quit so my clock was black, got that swapped over, so there went my night!

Good luck with the Rxs!

[Gwenivere]

I’m very scared today. Feeling so sick and can barely walk.  This is feeling like a 911 situation coming.  My mind is all over the place too.  Shower aide came and Dee was here so that helped a lot.  I put my drivers license with my insurance card.  I think doing that would get e help faster than walking in. My shrink called and it was noisy for a minute.  Told him I couldn’t hear him and he said that was my problem..  ???  He’s the coldest person I’ve ever known. Dee’s gone to make arrangements for her friend.  Tomorrow is another chore related day for her friend.  I tried inning my hair as usual and I have no left hand strength.  Took an hour and still isn’t right.  I did my walking and it was tougher than usual.  Bath aide said pain uses up a lot of energy so many people go back to bed.  I don’t even feel it had a shower today.  Trying to figure what Dee feels up to doing.  I’m definitely not used to al this restlessness. Nina wants to have our weekend chat Saturday instead of Sunday.  I told her I could clear my crowded social calendar for it.
 

We're watchig Uncle Buck.  StaringThe Mayors of Kingstown.  The prequel to the Sopranos. I told Dee we needed to clear the kitchen counters of stuff that can be in jars I have.  There are 3 with stale contents from my being gone  as well as Melody.  It’s bad enough with walkers and other medical supples.  Reminders of how I got to hate this place with Steve’s stuff, now mine with pill dispensers too.  This used to be a regular ol' house.  I miss that old house.  We made some progress in the kitchen.   2 stacks of paperwork that needs to go.  Wish I could tolerate SSteemer out here for the carpet and  LR furniture.    

Every day is an over emotional day now.  I hate I have no control over anything.  I’m learning all the things I can’t do, looking for more I can.  I opened a bottle of wine I used to drink before the meds to see if I could.  I can but have to leave it in the fridge.  I’d love to sit and relax here as I did.  Is this how it happens?   Changes you know the right decisions but the old call to you?  It’s like you’re not you a ny more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

This sounds terrifying to read.  It's hard to make out but sounds like you're in a frenzy of a sort...one somewhere between terror and ???  
Gwen, my heart goes out to you...

This morning I opened my budget file and was horrified, most of it disappeared.  This is an ongoing file I've had for many years, it's complicated and I literally plan everything by it.  All my activity recorded in it.  I backed up from my external HD and lost everything I'd entered since 7/7.  I spent two hours frantically reentering everything!  I think I have it straight now.  Wow, remind me to back up weekly from now on!  What a start to a day.

[Gwenivere]

Got a shipment from Amazon that took forever to get credit for.  Getting cut off, needing order numbers I didn’t have because it didn’t exist.  Finally got it settled, the credit and can keep the items.
 

Tivei told Dee I don’t know what I’d say to her repetitive thoughts.  I want to be supportive but I’ve listened and said all i know to say.  I have my stuff to deal with and need her to help me with my meds.  Have to get that done. 
 

I hate feeling selfish, but we have to help each other.  My mind is also protecting me from reliving my loss so deep again.  It can’t be reproduced again.  It’s like  taking the firs t steps of your life again.  Can’t be done.  My garage is getting stuff stored from someone I never knew.  Dee said she could put them in her van, but that is at someone’s neither of us care for as  a friend.  It’s hard for me to hear she lost her best friend she could talk to anything about.  I ask questions like if she wants to live here.  She doesn’t need that no.w.  I’ve got to stop  trying to reassure  myself.  I’m angry we only got 11 days adapting.  Not that my pain was going to stop, but I see how it was easier becoming closer.  Pulled out from under us. 
 

we tried watching a movie last night, and bailed on 2.  Setups one for tonight.  Wasted almost an hour.  At least Dee was laughing at the craziness of it.  It was good to hear.  I’ve noticed I’m putting much weight, if any, on my walker increasing the pain.  Another challenging day today.  Church dinner.  Found out chips are of my list.  Miss the little thigs.

[kayc]

Curious why chips are off your list?  

Dee will get through this, same as we did, it's hard and it takes time.  I tried listening to a movie last night, not much patience for them, esp. stupid ones.  Nothing on t.v.  Watched Inside Edition and fell asleep.

[Gwenivere]

Another day of pain and Dee having crying jags.   Continue  to, hopefully,, back to finishing clearing out her friends room.   Accomplished.  I’ll have another day just watching the time tick away to lead into anther one.  I’ve dropped my pain pills by half a pill a day as I wake up too close to actually getting up.  I’m now wondering if I’ve doubled one anxiety meds I  used to cut but haven’t and they didn’t in the hospital or rehab.  I’m so brain addled and physically weak. I don’t know where that is coming from.  It’s very discouraging.     
 

Trying to find something to had me calling Apple which cost me what I was working on.  Got me my answer but had to redo what I. did.  Always a price for the help and I cant figure out how it got lost  as we didn’t touch't touch that I recall.  Have to do it over again.  Best force myself to wait til I am done to prevent this.  I did want to strangle the guy, but I knew it could be me.

I  tried to call a woman from rehab, but didn’t connect.  Would have loved to play Bingo than here all day. Dee’s home and I got tough with her about a woman she absolutely needs to drop from her because I’m tired of hearing about it.  It’s enough emotionally losing her friend.  I know this really  doesn’t belong  here, but it is  teaching me to handle reawakening my own grief and relive t s strongly.
 

The message I was working on I’m not going to send.  It helps me get together my. questions  for the surgeon.  Lost another movie night.  We give up on recommendations.    Watched a few minutes of. The Call about 911 which we’ve seen years ago is good.  Have a Zoom meeting with my regular doc toda.y.  Need an RX, so not wasted.  This depression is making me miss Steve so much.  The pain too.  I want my man.  😰

[KarenK]

I just finished a mini series called "The 10th Kingdom", sort of a twisted fairy tale thing. It was pretty silly, but sometimes I like a break from all the murder and mayhem I usually watch. I watched a pretty good crime movie called " The Whole Truth" with Keanu Reeves the other day. Unexpected ending.

Hope your doctor "visit" goes well. Do you see the surgeon in person this week?

[kayc]

Having gone through this with my PC a couple of days ago, I managed to fix my budget file, took me two hours of steady concentrated work, but so glad to get it done, so am in sympathy with you on your apple product.  No idea what happened but imagine the corruption took place when it saved.  Still can't believe it wiped everything out like it did!  Thankful I had a back up from July 7 but then had to reenter 5 1/2 weeks of activity, which there was way more than normal and complicated by having a credit card blocked, another one used temporarily, and finally the new one so charges were all over the place, thankfully I had my credit card statements to go from. I was bewildered by my donation here not showing, then realized Paypal took it from my checking, even though I had a preferred credit card!  Once I realized this it came out.  I remember haggling with Paypal about that one day, not fun or easy and took two calls.

I hope your easy on Dee.  Early grief...

Good luck with your doctor!

[Gwenivere]

I don’t see the support in person.  He’s not even there.  A parter is going to go over then with me.  Having spent another day as I always do, I don’t expect hopeful news.  I saw my regular doctor today and we again went into other tests I can’t fathom right now.  When walking room to room is massive, I don't cafe about regular care.  Got a final bill from rehab for meds.  Another huge one.  The RX I needed hasn’t shown up in my mail order site.  More stuff to track down I already have several times.  
 

I need some positive possibilities to keep me going.  Today was a repeat of so many days, weeks, months. Insanity is described as happening  the same things over and over expecting a different results.  I don’t want it that way, but it seems I'm caught in that web.  I hate eating, walking, everything I pretty much do every day at the same times.  I could change them around, but. It doesn’t really solve the basic problem.  It won’t change the day.  Dee always has rhinos to do.  Take out her loss, she has so many pursuits like I used to. I’m disappointed I can’t find replacements.  But the pain as to go first.  My doc brought up again assisted living.  A box. Aloe.  Even less freedom.  I don’t  want go to appointments for the complications of transport and oxygen.   
 

A social worker is doing coming by next Monday.  Don’t think it’s going to work.  Ive heard so many options, plus timing is too close my waking up to be close to coherent.  Dee and are like zombies for a good hour or so hour or so.  Sending all good wishes.  💕
 

 

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee always has rhinos to do.

??

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My doc brought up again assisted living.

I thought they were supposed to help people remain in their home!  I'm so thankful of having accomplished this with Peggy, at least she never had to die in Marquis, that was her worst fear.  Not that she worried about things, she's not like me, she lived in her own little fantasy world.  I am the anxiety ridden one who thinks of things in the middle of the night...

I wish I could be more like her in some ways.

How about your doctor help you think how to make home work?  Something to help your life be easier for starts!  Not throwing in kinds and hard stuff!

[V. R.]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

am the anxiety ridden one who thinks of things in the middle of the night...

That's me! 😕

[Gwenivere]

Dee is fighting emotional battles, tough ones.  But she is physically not held down from living and moving around in the world.  Since getting up I’ve undone my oxygen, walked in limiting pain and experienced medication withdrawal.  She can eat, walk, drive and engage in the world.  I’m stuck here 24/7. 
 

Finally got an RX ordered after days of trying.  As usual, by phone.  The site was useless.  Have to pay the last rehab ned bill.  Want to fix my hair, but one arm is too weak alone.  So many tries and hated it.  Today I talk to the surgeon.  Really hoped I would be in a good place.  It’s anything but.  I definitely couldn’t live here on my own.  I feel there will come a time  Dee will see it as I do.  I invested so much work to heal and got worse.   She didn’t mean it to hurt me, but she said she wished se she came home II had something good to say tho she knows why I don’t.  
 

Took forever waking up as usual.  Today I'll be alone, low on meds and try and pull off this appointment.  I wide the timing was a bit later for my s  anxiety meds.  A nice drive. and a scream would be good.  Alas, not to be.  We’ve got 2 very hot days coming.  Might be pasta salad.with chicken.  Exciting stuff. 

 

[kayc]

Your weather sounds similar to ours, supposed to be very hot today/tomorrow with Thunder/Lightening storms tonight.  Scary as we have a fire going nearby that is over 4200 acres (near Waldo Lake) Cedar Creek Fire, about 12 miles away.  Too close for comfort...one wind shift and...

Maybe just a greeting to Dee when she gets home.  

Good luck on getting the Rx!  

My sister must have felt the same, she also couldn't drive, and had pain with her 6-7 broken ribs, busted dentures and eyeglasses.  But she didn't always tell me things I could have helped with.  Like reading her the directions on her new vacuum.  Not that she could use it.  But if she wanted them read to her, I could have done that.  Her gardener did, because her so called "caregiver" that wasn't, would not.  She was useless, a bilker.  Peggy is out of it all now, I can't help but feel envious sometimes.

[Gwenivere]

Latest problem is breaking an extension cord so  Dee came. back to replace it.  It always hate to  bother her.  I I tried plugging it back in and it fell apart.  Fortunately the phone was ran in under the rug  or I would have lost service.

I had a PA unfamiliar with my case.  He said the surgery is stable and none further can repair it.  I need daily PT for care which they’re going to try and get approved by Medicare.  It would have to be at home.   Might need a series of braces.  I told him my goal is no walker, no need for the opiate, and some kind of life.  First step is an OK from insurance.  I have 4 pins in my back cemented in which Ithey don't always do.  He could see the large hump.  I don’t how I really feel right now beyond no more surgery.  It’s weird how you hope that happens but an option removed.  It’s from desperation.  So until this is decided, the days continue as they have.  The PA kept yawning thru the whole thing.  That was annoying.  Pretty unprofessional.

I have so many projects I want to *et done, but the wrong month.  Want the landscapers out to get rid of leaves and remove part of a fence.  Mow the overgrown yard trimmed up.  Look like someone who cares liVes here.  Need Steve’s van started and charged.  Dee moved in.  Good thing a vagabond lifestyle is  OK, but it would ease this new phase.  The common areas are OK.  But she needs some closet and drawers.  Not like she’s living in a motel.  Never seen the place so unkempt.  
 

The afterglow of no more surgery is gone.  I know I’m going to wake up to this daily non life again.  For a very long time and I can’t wait to see what problems will arise. This isn’t going to go smoothly.  Ive been in the system too long with a very big problem.  It’s time to find a mobile optometrist as I  am so in need of the near view of my progressives.  Of course there will be insurance pronouns.  Nothing goes easy since I’m so fit to be home.  😤.  

 

 

 

.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, I'm glad the surgeon is FINALLY offering you some kind of help. I still don't understand why he doesn't communicate with you himself, especially given all the problems you've had with this surgery. I feel like he's thrown you to the wolves. Hope Medicare approves the PT so you can get on the road to recovery.

[kayc]

Me too, hoping they approve the PT quickly!  

And Gwen, you haven't seen my house since I have done w/o my hands the last three years.  When my son was here he left the moment he was done doing what he needed, not a minute extra.  No one comes here.

[Gwenivere]

 Lost my post.  Just getting worse being home.  Shower day and I hope it works.  Don’t want to eat in case nature calls.  I would love for Dee to be here, but I’ll need her help with my hair.  I just wish it felt refreshing.  Pain just increases as the days pass.  Dee’s seriously down.  I’m getting weaker.  I know it will be another isolated day.  Don’t know when the housekeeper is coming but it’s very neede.d.  Scared of another day.  Time to get ready for another horrid day?

[kayc]

This is my fear...becoming a hermit.  I see it heading that way more and more.  I feel withdrawn.  I feel very much out of my comfort zone going to take care of my grandkids.  I wonder if there will be anything I can eat there....three days is a long time to not eat, so I hope so.  Their place is so unfamiliar, routines, etc.  Everything "smart" technology...that leaves me out.  I don't even know how to use their t.v.  They don't leave me with any instructions or helps.  Just hurry and leave.

Gwen, is there anything you look forward to?  A t.v. show?  Where is Dee staying?

[Gwenivere]

Bad day. Choked aT lunch.  Talk about panic!!  I could have died so quickly.  Medfc alerts or 911 do no good. I’m so frustrated that I fill my day talking here to lose iit wish a light touch somewhere.  Bath aide came and we talked a long time.  She gave me her personal number if I ever need help.  It’s so sweet of her.  
 

i got an email from my brother in law.  His family is all that is left and I only talk to him, but he’s not emotional.  I was only tight with his sister and his sister.  Sister from day one.  She died the year after Steve.  Don’t connect with her kids.  Finally got close with his mom the last years of her life.  His dad was like his brother.  I don’t think I’d ever hear from him but Steve’ made him promise to keep me a part of the family.  It doesn’t really do anything for me.  
 

I have another appointment scheduled with my surgeon in a month.  When they called to tell me I told them how unprofessional Weeds was.  The guy yawning, never looked at me once nor showed my my X-rays.  They said they'd have my guy at least give me a quick call, but I knew that wouldn’t happen.  I wrote my housekeeper to thank her some homecoming gifts and how she won’t recognize me with this stoop, walker and old lady hair.  With 2 of us here now,, she’ll have plenty to do.  I was noticing when Dee is not so sad how much I love having having her here.  A trust in me.  It’s hard to know how to help when you don’t know what someone needs.  We all know that about ourselves and others.  My brother in law sent me all kinds of financial links, nothing about the emotional weight of this.  Yes, we planned usual getting old including cancer, not these more com-placated aging possibilities.  There was never any scenarios we would possibly be apart.  Our promise was to always be there.  Even if it was ugly and it has been.  Yes, good memories but marred by very dark shadows.  His passing wasn’t at all peaceful, not a moment. To have been able to see some peace would have made all the difference.  
 

Hope this made sense.  So much doesn't from all the influences I’m fighting every day as I wait to what my insurance will OK andf PT can provide.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I’m sitting here as I do everyday seeing my day pan out before me.  It’s so much cooler but I feel that anxiety warmth I can’t control.  Nine cancelled on me for a Zoom chat.  Dee is. coming home earlier for a shower after the heat wave.  Hoping no choking incidents today.  Tried watching a depressing movie last night about how mental illness. was treated in the old west.  Bailed on that.  I never have  on a Tommy Lee Jones one.   We’ tracked down an old Bill Murray movie, but it’s at a shop for hard to find movies by the university where Dee hates going.  She put in a purchase orderwith the library, but that could take months if they decide to at all.  
 

It was a crazed couple oh hours filling some pill boxes for another week.  I can’t for the life of me remember all my. Doses.  Wrote them out 5 times an d kept making mistakes.  I had requested a simple list for the day and have 2 huge piles of complicated, detailed notes.  I just need the times and amounts.  I mucked up wake and sleep doses.  Dee looked at a couple of stacks of data and sees a pattern I I don’t.  My drug addled brain is the last to try and figure this out.  I don’t exit in the computer now and will have to try and get thru the weekend and Monday  into the records.  Good chance I’m going to mess myself up more.  I asked then for this extremely info when leaving and called.  You cease to exist when you don’t generate income.  Its hard enough mentally living like this with possible withdrawal or too much.  I’m going to have to tend to the AC today as I’m alone for the afternoon so I’ll have to do it more often as its so heavy and the event is for her lost friend and not close.  

iI'll b e  alone getting up.  Only good  thing is we started an HBO series which is good.  I found a  full dose  pain pill that I went the  whole  day without whicH why it was  extra hard all day.. Don’t know how it’ll go wi5h the messed up anxiety meds.  I wish I had a good doctor to call.  Wish I did for pain too.  I wish I Had someone that truly knew me.  Someone I could cry with.  Crying alone  is the worst.