My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

I would still see an ENT who is familiar with throat and tongue. A biopsy can be done if anything at all is suspicious. I am not trying to scare you, just want you to be 100% sure. Ron's first symptom was swollen lymph nodes  under jaw. He had back of tongue cancer.

Now would be a good time for some of that Oregon rain to put out your fire!

[Gwenivere]

Filling o& the AM pill boxes for 3 weeks.  The  the weekly daily ones when I get my pain med pills by the weekend.  Spent hours on the phone trying to get the right p(one numbers.  Gave that up.  What I cant believe is what they charge foo tasks.  The ironic things got a call from my insurance wanting to know how they were doing.  An attempt to appear like they care.  What kind of insurance doesn’t pay a dime for PT ? A copay I get on meds.

 I had to call Apple for my iPad messing up.  It just decides to do weird things overnight.  So I call on turn on or off options I’ll never remember.  My DVR locked up recording looking for internet it never had.  My cordless phone died.  Got it going again.  Dee tried opening  the storm door glass and it came out of the track.  All these anomalies are i bizarre.  Apple actually called back which support services they nnever do and I have a cead phone.

It,'s hard sharing  a home on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Dee’s out all day with people and wants to chill out. I’ve had no communication so I want to talk, tho I don’t have much to share.  I don’t know how to have normal conversations.   I can talk about the past and what’s been on TV.  I can’t sit outside but there’s nothing *going on out there.  I so miss a friendly neighborhood.  I hear cars coming and going but don’t anyone anyone. I know no one gets the constant pain and  it’s a very dull subject.  I listen to people who their plans for walks, shopping, lunches and hair trims.  I just wander around lost in here.  
 

I'd love to just talk like I used to.  Like people do every day.  Like I used to.    I don’t even try to sit up straighter any more.   Everything is getting harder to d o.  Ive never been so disappointed in myself. 

[kayc]

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

I would still see an ENT who is familiar with throat and tongue.

They're all supposed to be.  I think if this was cancer I'd been dying already, honestly.

9 hours ago, KarenK said:

Now would be a good time for some of that Oregon rain to put out your fire!

Yes but none predicted in September, that's a first!

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What kind of insurance doesn’t pay a dime for PT ?

Mine didn't when I broke my right elbow.  I had Regence through my employer, even though I was out of work, He covered me, but it didn't do any good.  I downloaded exercises from a university and did them.  Thankfully it did the trick.  Yours...more complicated.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Ive never been so disappointed in myself. 

I hope you don't mean that literally...I was just thinking how amazing you're handling things!  You get so much more done than my sister did.  She couldn't even make a phone call effeciently, she didn't know what to say to the insurance, bank, etc.  She'd start telling something lengthy when it's voice recognition!  I'd tell her, limit it to 1-2 words.  I'd have to tell her what words.  Be disappointed in the circumstances, but not in yourself.   I hope Dee was able to get the door back on track!  I've had my screen come off my sliding door (the rollers), annoying, there's a bent place in the track, I know just where it is and try to put it there to get it back on...even so it takes a flat screwdriver to pop it in and sometimes the stepstool to reach.  
I hate when my DVR locks up!  It does it nearly once/day.  Takes aboutt 15 min to restart it, by then you've lost a lot of what was recording or it goes out hours before you discover it so your recording did not happen.

[V. R.]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Be disappointed in the circumstances, but not in yourself.   I hope Dee was able to get the door back on track!  I'

So true. That's exactly it, Gwen, I admire you for your fighting spirit and determination to get things done, the problem is not you, it's at the other end of the line. You're providing all the necessary input, but you're getting no feedback. 

Hope things get better for you. 

 

[kayc]

I just found out my power will be off tomorrow through Saturday night.    Usually I have my wood stove to cook on (winter)!  Will have to leave refrigerator/freezer closed.  No coming on line after it goes off.

[Gwenivere]

UFridges are tough during power outages.  A whole  day will be a challenge.  
 

Thank you.both for saying  it’s not me in this disappointment.   I shoulder it as I question decisions I’ve made.  I always weighed every. aspect and made the best.  This time it didn’t work as far as I know.   But it could have.  I feel I just put off the inevitable.  Now I’m stuck with hardware.  I just wonder if I could have saved myself some extra misery and not added longer time in this exaggerated pain.  Mostly not have stuff in me that has definitely permanently altered me and I can’t get rid of.  
ash

I couldn’t get a bag of chips down fro above the fridge, even with the reacher.  I I just wanted to cry.  I felt awful during our TV time.  Dinner sat hard.  I couldn’t get into my bank-account and had to call tech support.  When Dee brought my pain meds my doc already slashed halfa pill from the amount so I have to figure out where.  I’m figuring TV time after the up and downs or inactivity of the day.  Tho it’s inactivity the rest of the es

Guess I should go kill time before sleep.  Knowing I will hate when it comes.  Actually a couple hours before I have to get up and face it.  Housekeeper, my counselor and doubt much laps.  Or later i the day.  Can do some right after lunch like usual.  Got frustrated messages from the surgeon.  I’d give anything to have a day with  even a little less pain like I had in rehab.  It’s pretty obvious iit takes all your attention and boring to be. around.  I’d skip my own posts.  .  

[kayc]

Oakridge & Westfir both under Evacuation 1, get ready/packed...and no generator use allowed, power will go off today - Sunday.
I am closest to the fire, at the top of the green....https://www.kezi.com/news/oakridge-and-westfir-ordered-to-be-ready-to-evacuate-ahead-of-cedar-creek-fire/article_6ecab290-2fe2-11ed-a6c1-9f18f673a1c1.html?fbclid=IwAR2e7aAdPtL-yT4GiBLO_BGKP20ksDfRAEeANnMC-2CaJpRvQUb8Acp0FxE

[kayc]

At my daughter's, on a borrowed laptop

[MartyT]

Is Kodie with you, Kay? Stay safe! ❤️

[V. R.]

Hope everything goes well for you Kay. 

[kayc]

Oh yes, he's my service dog, my little companion 

[Gwenivere]

I knew it would be another day as they all are becoming.  Hungry but know how.much work it will.be getting thru it.  Same old reruns on TV.   Same old sitting here with my head in my lap. Have to make decisions about meds and face the reality of this not working being here and the fear of that.  A lot of interaction today but mostly paid for. Hear about the world thru other people.  Knowing high heat  is coming and I’ve written this paragraph so many times making  many mistakes I always take an hour to do it.  Can barely reach it with these old glasses that cause uneasiness.  Got something in the mail about my oxygen company getting hacked and all kinds of things I should do.  I can barely read the letter.  Had to rewrite my med list for Dee to fill some pills for a week.  I rely on predictive typing doing this.  
 

2 more nights on tis frustrating HBO show.  We just want a few questions answered and move on to something else.  Conversations in this show aren’t even close-to normal.  Today is supposed to be 90 degrees.  Sunday close too.   Jus t c aught a glimpse. Of my hair.  Really needs repining.  Another once easy task.

Hope-the weekend is quiet for everyone.  💕

 

[KarenK]

Could Dee pick up a few pairs of readers in different strengths for you at the dollar store until you can get to the eye doctor. Those are what I use.

HBO has been having a freebie for a few days so I've seen a few good movies.

[kayc]

The fire is 5 miles away as of three hours ago. Not looking like I will have a home to come home to.

[MartyT]

[V. R.]

21 minutes ago, kayc said:

The fire is 5 miles away as of three hours ago. Not looking like I will have a home to come home to.

Oh, how terrible. So sorry you're going through this, I deeply hope it won't come to that, please let keep us informed. Thinking of you,fingers crossed. 

[kayc]

Can definitely use the prayers!

[Roxi]

Take care of you Kay and your little friends...,hope Panther kitty is safe in some way...i don't know how life can be so awful sometimes! Hugs Roxi

[kayc]

Power is still off at my house.
Worried about Panther.

[Gwenivere]

 Oh Kay,  this is so scary!  Any idea how long before you have an idea which way this is going to go?  Are they putting out updates regularly?  
 

I hadn’t thought abbot readers.  I’m so messed up living in chronic pain.   I don’t even know if my insurance will pay anything for PT, much less. at home. I’m guessing no even tho I need a oxygen.   It’s so complicated getting what I need, tho I haven’t read anything about how much PT can help chronic pain.  I had it in rehab and it was basically walking.  A couple times up and down some stairs.  I talk to my surgical PA this week, maybe he can shed more light.t on this.  Because she cares deeply about me, Dee got all over me for not doing enough. I allowed her to make me feel awful.  On thinking on it I see she doesn’t see how unique a situation this is.  Today I’m angry.  It was the delivery.  I haven’t decided if I want to go thru the discussion again.  I want to see what the PA says this week. It’s quite obvious she doesn’t get my situation. T Tonight she is angry about somethings she misunderstood from when I used to email her at bit.  It’s the one month anniversary of her friends death and she is in pain, but showing  me how well she can can hurt back.  We were fine yesterday eventually and it is happening again.  She is certain about conversations that I recall all over the place. I don’t want to drag this on more.  
 

It looks like Dee is going to leave.  I blame mental problems.  I can’t do this alone.  She inflicted more pain on me than I could have imagined.  I don’t know what I’m going to do now.  I’ll have to hire someone.  My world is crumbling.  😰. I wrote the above about her before it got bad last night. She’s staying elsewhere tonight.  

[kayc]

Wow, it seems you are coming from two different places, you were better casual friends.  I think you instincts were right. She can't abuse you.

No updates this morning yet  but as of 10:20 pm it was standing.  My car is covered in ash 60 miles away!.  We need rain.

[Kieron]

Gwen, I haven't been saying much being so busy with offline stuff, but I'm with Kay, this can't go on.  She has shown who she really is, both intoxicated and sober.  You don't deserve more abuse heaped on you after months if not years of other kinds of abuse from the broken environment around you.

[nashreed]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Oh Kay,  this is so scary!  Any idea how long before you have an idea which way this is going to go?  Are they putting out updates regularly?  
 

I hadn’t thought abbot readers.  I’m so messed up living in chronic pain.   I don’t even know if my insurance will pay anything for PT, much less. at home. I’m guessing no even tho I need a oxygen.   It’s so complicated getting what I need, tho I haven’t read anything about how much PT can help chronic pain.  I had it in rehab and it was basically walking.  A couple times up and down some stairs.  I talk to my surgical PA this week, maybe he can shed more light.t on this.  Because she cares deeply about me, Dee got all over me for not doing enough. I allowed her to make me feel awful.  On thinking on it I see she doesn’t see how unique a situation this is.  Today I’m angry.  It was the delivery.  I haven’t decided if I want to go thru the discussion again.  I want to see what the PA says this week. It’s quite obvious she doesn’t get my situation. T Tonight she is angry about somethings she misunderstood from when I used to email her at bit.  It’s the one month anniversary of her friends death and she is in pain, but showing  me how well she can can hurt back.  We were fine yesterday eventually and it is happening again.  She is certain about conversations that I recall all over the place. I don’t want to drag this on more.  
 

It looks like Dee is going to leave.  I blame mental problems.  I can’t do this alone.  She inflicted more pain on me than I could have imagined.  I don’t know what I’m going to do now.  I’ll have to hire someone.  My world is crumbling.  😰. I wrote the above about her before it got bad last night. She’s staying elsewhere tonight.  

I am so, so very sorry Gwen. It's not fair. 

It seems like if you're over 40, you either have your life- your person, and the friends you want and you are happy in that bubble.... Or life didn't turn out the way you wanted. You're alone, broken, damaged... You had your chances when you were young, but something bad happened. And these people are so full of baggage, sadness or drama. It's near impossible to start over after 40. Life didn't work out, tough break, now you're an alien in an uncaring landscape- like E.T. wanting desperately to phone home, except there is no home, and you're desperately waiting for the spaceship to take you away. 

 

[Gwenivere]

I didn’t see a lot of Dee last night.  She was here this morning which I wasn’t sure she would be.  She opted not to stay elsewhere tonight which has me pulled in 2 directions. It’s the not knowing if she thinks of something she wants clarified.  It’s not even that, it’s I can’t do it how she wants and we get in loops.  She wants answers to every of her questions but won’t answer mine about sources, or why, whatever.  I know head injuries factor into this but personality too.  Last night did have something I can see misled her by how I had expressed it.  It’s her anger and delivery that show me she doesn’t process disagreements like most people. 
 

It's been an odd day.  Little to watch, back feels worse, apprehensive about the evening.  Ate part of the church dinner, not enjoyable as I wasn’t hungry.  I’d have skipped it but I don’t want to lose weight.  Dread any moving around as days pass.    Maybe it’'s the drop in pain meds, butt I’m really on edge from the pain and atmosphere here now.  When Dee got home she told me about some positive feedback she got about 10 times. I was too leery to saw she told enough.  I need to run this by my counselor.  She seems to need lots of attention.   She’s back to doing our routines but, as I said, I’m on edge now., and not much.  I still care very much for her and need her. I’m seeing  she doesn’t understand understand/maybe not care to/capable of chronic pain.  
 

Going to be a mucked up week for having lunch and laps. My oxygen is dropping too low..  the pain gets worse.  As always the fear is this will never end.  Even sitting is getting worse.

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, it's certainly none of my business, but your situation makes me nervous for you. She sounds like a very volatile person. I lived with a person like that, never knowing what would set him off. I chose to stay, but spent a lot of time walking on eggs. I know you care for her and she is helpful to you in many ways, but it is YOUR house you are sharing with her and you should not have to feel uncomfortable or afraid in her presence. Please take care.