My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

Leaving 7 am to drive the three hours to my son's to take care of the kids for three days.  It's going to be a hard trip, being away from home that long, worrying about Panther Kitty his first time with me away, and with his head injured like it is, I hope he'll be okay.  Had to pack for fire evacuation, it's at about 6,000 acres now, I've heard 9 miles from here, it was 13, but the distance is closing, even though the wind blowing the other way.  They say it's blowing westerly but if that's the case, it'd be coming here, and that's not the case.  Dangerously close to Waldo Lake.  

Gwen, Dee's friend is having their service today?  That has to be hard for her.  I'm a little confused about if she's living with you or not, I thought she was but maybe just not while this is going on?  Tending to A/C, you're not having to install it are you?  Maybe you just mean the controls?

Getting another heat wave this week, ugh.  Not as bad as before though.  It was 100s earlier this week.

I'm glad you have someone helping you with housekeeping, also your hair, that helps!  Lord knows I need a housekeeper but can't afford one!  What I need is one of those professionals that organizes/cleans out as I can't do it with my hands. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Dee’s living here.  It’s portable AC.  Will go back in a closet after summer

I've so messed up med dosing since getting home Dee was very upset with me and talked about. starting drinking again.  I couldn't take that guilt.  I was upset  with her as it was apparent she never had a panic attackIt imperative I get my schedule from rehab and. try to get back to that.  I haven’t had a full blown panic attack til I  got home and messed up 2 doses.  Dee’s too stressed our to have this on top of her stu&f.  Meds got screwed up by generic colors when I replaced them.  I added more and are now dependent on them more.  Thought it hadn’t been that long, but their powerful drugs.  I don’t know how to combine the pain and now withdrawal I’ve created.  Even when I get what I was taking, getting back to that will be difficult.  It took a long time to feel back on track together.  Cancelled a social worker coming by to tend  to meds.  
 

I'm on my own getting this figured out so she c an fill pill boxes.  It’s been so long since I’ve had an attack I’m now paranoid about another.  Fighting excessive pain and being on oxygen.add more obstacles.  It’s a feeling you don’t want anyone around.  It emphasizes it.  

Movie time was good.  Just dreading today.  Supposed to have a Zoom chat mid afternoon.  Also need to message my surgeon that another month is too long to wait to talk.  This is getting too serious.  

Fixed my iPad today and don’t know how.  Apple tech support couldn’t.  That was a twist.  Did an upgrade that took forever and always makes me nervous.  These are more times I keep needing  Steve.  That will never, ever end.  Wish I could help Dee as this place has helped me.
 

 .  

[kayc]

I used to get anxiety attacks clear up until 2008 but I got on anti-anxiety meds (have had GAD all my life) and haven't had one since.  I can still wake up in the middle of the night with it though and lose sleep, in spite of sleeping pill but the meds help overall.

[kayc]

I cmmend you for fixing your iphone, I tried to fix something today and ended up causing myself a lot more grief! Bad instructions led me astray.

[Gwenivere]

Have to be careful about instructions.  The web is riddled with peoples experiences that could get you messed up too.  I learned how to delete old notes from the app.  It’s so much the wording when looking for info.  
 

Things went whacky today with my surgeon's office.  They called to check on me, that’s amazing enough.  Conversation went sideways and while trying to explain I couldn’t keep tolerating this pain without some shred of hope, the nurse thought I was suicidal.  Next thing I knew the police were here for a wellness check.  I hope that never happens again.  So many grief phrases can be misconstrued. 
 

A home health care nurse came by today to do vitals and set up PT and Social Services.  She also wants to come by when I get a shower to see how it’s been going.  Nothing to do with modesty, but I hate how all this has so imposed into so many aspects of my life.  I wish I could rip out these pins in my back and reset everything.    Not realistic, but a nice fantasy.  I actually miss rehab because it was familiar to me.  I’m uncomfortable with change.  I was so settled in there.  Nothing to fear. I forget how I made that happen.  It also explained things that were missing, like my dog.  Why I didn’t go anywhere.

 I hate the evenings.  There’s nothing enjoyable beyond a  little TV.  I know I’ll crawl into bed and do it again feeling more empty.  I can’t even write a new post.  Yesterday I heard about motorized scooter’s and more about leaving 5his  house .  This is  the help I’m getting from home care.  Evenings are getting tricky too.  Told Dee I’m sick of how much-news we run. A short world new and the weather is enough.  We may try going thru clothes donations and ma ke  room for her to unpack.  Of course  it’s the start of another  heat wave.  So very tired.  
 

Hope your ca t will be OK, Kay.  And the fires don’t getcloser.

 

[Gwenivere]

Almost called 911 today.  I felt so bad when I woke up and it didn’t get any better the last hour before the alarm. Dee stayed home til I ate and did a couple walks.  I kept going thru the. craziness it would be.  What to take if it was admitted.  How long til they found a room.  The only thing I did was take some extra Tums and read they can cause pain without water.  I dunno.  I’ve been a mess such a long time.  I’m just hoping this doesn’t happen again.  For how distorted my body is, I don’t see how I could get a CT or MRI.  
 

Did my usual surgeon call in.  Pleaded for 5 minutes talk.  Urgent request placed as usual.  Dee put gliders on the more helpful walker. Didn’t work with the set up.  Spent so much energy trying to keep from getting tangled in stuff on the floor I got no beneficial exercise.I Even tried going back to tennis balls but they made it work too. I had forgotten I felt after getting home last year that made this fix more intense the 2nd time around.  Creating a fracture.  
 

Worried about waking up today.  I don’t now I get to be so ‘fortunate' to have such a un life.  😰

[KarenK]

Gwen, mentioning MRI got me thinking........some screws used in surgery(such as stainless steel) are not compatible with an MRI. Do you know what your surgeon used? If you end up in ER with a possible MRI, they should be aware of this.

[kayc]

So yesterday I woke up and my laptop was done for, pages flashing up/down/up/down, tried to type, nope, it typed backwards, and if I tried to correct it, it'd still go back, like the came out eht.  Tried using the phone, nope, FB too weird on there, can't figure it out, did one message on email, that was it for the day.  Rebooted three times, didn't help.  So left my laptop at my son's last night, played games with the kids all day.

Got back too late to fiddle online so took care of what I needed to (unpacked evacuation, etc.), I heard Panther Kitty when II was coming around the corner on the ramp, it was a welcome squeak!  (He squeaks instead of meowing, not sure what happened to his voice, but I think he's old, he drools and drops his catfood).  He'd eaten most but not all of his catfood!  So when I go on ladies retreat in a month, it'll be a day longer, (3 nights/4days) and I'll leave the same amount only heaped.  It was a good trial run.  I hope he wasn't too upset by it but he sure was happy to see us!

Karen raised a good point, I would think there'd be some way to block it though?  Who knows, that's why they're the experts....with prodding, etc.

[Gwenivere]

What a nightmare with your computer, Kay.  Sounds like it may need to be replaced.  Could be hard, software or both.  How did you type this today?

Thank you for the reminder, Karen.  I forgot about metal and MRI's.  Very bad combination.  
 

I didn’t wake up like I did yesterday.  The usual deep depression, but not the scary extra pain.  I’ve been having a lot of breathing and heart pounding when doing my usual walking.  If this keeps up I do see 911 in my future.  It’s actually been there for a long time.  I could barely get settled in bed to sleep last night.  I need to get my bag ready to pack quickly.  
 

First of our 3 hot days.  Always adds to the misery.  Another day of handfuls of anxiety and pain meds. Spends evenings in a hospital gown.  It’s ridiculous.  Maybe there’s something wrong with my heart and lungs, but it only got this bad since I got home.  Just like my mental state.  We’re watching Back to the Future one and two.  I remember when theses were such feel good times.  I’m overestimated by people that want to come over like the PT evaluator, shower aide, housekeeper, bath, bath aide and a nurse to observe a shower.  I can’t express ow sick I am of them all.  I want to rest.  I do more than I should to try not to bug Dee so much.  Eating dinner is  tough thing.  Late in the day and the body has.bee n really pushed.  By dinner.  I’m not following well the.   a. HBO series Dee and I am watching so I’m not asking many questions anymore .  Try and put it together from web synopsis.  
 

What I really want to do is call the people coming over and cancel.  I’m just gonna try to go to bed and decide about the housekeeper thins Friday.  Hope I can stay sane a nother da y.  It hejps to have no obligations.

[kayc]

I was back home yesterday.  Got all kinds of msgs from DIL wanting me to come see Vincent's football practices (9 am) and Ceci's baptism.  Will try to make the baptism but it depends on if Iris can come get Kodie midway through the day to give him a potty break, it's three hours from here and the church service starts at 10:45!  Tht's one thing I can't take Kodie to.  It's not easy, not to mention costly in gas.  I can't run up there all the time!  I'm still getting back to normal from being gone as it is!

Wow, I mean, like a nurse to observe your shower?  Good grief!  Seems overreaching to me.  

[Gwenivere]

They’re looking out for my safety, but I’m just worn out on all the people.  I  have my hospital bag basically packed sans cell and iPad.  Message from surgeons that there is nothing they can do being down 2 people.  My abdomen is a huge ball being so bloated.   Almost 90 outside. Can’t fathom a shower and housekeeper here tomorrow.  My shorts are so  uncomfortable because I’m so bloated.
 

The PT guy was by.  Lots of talk about the pain this is going to be.  I did my laps after he left and could barely handle it.  He talked about stretching and walking outside.  Said I've done as much surgery healing can aim for that. Not a. priority to m e right now.   Now it’s getting the muscles and bones back to functioning like after a break.  I hate that analogy.  Those rarely require working with inflexible hardware.  At least I’m cleared for bending.  Need a definition for twisting.  Lifting is very  apparent.  I  did more. of the exercises he showed me to do so I've been very sore all night.
 

Went over last wishes with Dee now that we are a family.  Her insistence.  Fortunately I had mine.documented.  Hers are the same.  Hated it.  I really wish the pain would ease up so we could get her moved in properly. Maybe when we get out of the summer.  I’m the type that when I get an idea I want to do it….now. I know this comes from getting so little done. anymore.  
 

Will be a tough day today. What’s new there?

[KarenK]

Gwen, I imagine the PT will feel like "baby steps", but at least you're getting started again. Just do what you can.

Have you talked to your doctor about the bloating?

Always a good thing to make sure your will is in order. Changing mine is something I sure need to do.

[kayc]

It's been running 90s here too, hotter than predicted, that's par for the course.  We're supposed to have cooler weather through Sunday, that'll be a welcome reprieve.

I left my original will with my son as well as his copy so will have to get it next time I see him.  Glad to know where it is.  Not as concerned about it as the medical directive that was with it.  I wish we didn't live so far from each other but neither can I picture moving and starting all over with everything...I have a whole community here, doctors, church, neighbors, everything, even Kodie's best friend.

Skipped Bible Study last night, opting instead to take Kodie to see Jazzy, it'd been 5-6 days, OMG they had fun running and playing with each other!  It was just what I needed, sitting on their deck, it's so much cooler at their house, so much shade!

[Gwenivere]

I knew today was going to be a weird, challenging day. Shower is done.  Housekeeper I haven’t seen in a year was here so lots of catching up.  House definitely needs attention.  Can’t get it done in one day.  There was so much I used to do. I can’t do my normal routine with Larenna here.  As Dee said before she left, will be glad when tonight is here.  Be done with all we had to do.  She’s picking up her friends ashes.  I had to navigate around Larenna.  

It’s was 15 degrees cooler yesterday.  Felt wonderful.  Really can’t wait to get rid of the summer stuff and get some room back and stop isolating in the LR.   Not putting my  hospital gown os early.  I sure wish I could go out during the day.  I’m always writing down channels to fill my day.      

As usual, I’ll wake up wondering how I’ll do this another day.  Everyone I know goes and does stuff.  Even if I could even in part, there are the pain meds.  No driving.  I’m in my home but not free.  This is what happens to communication skills.  You become repetitive and nothing new.  It’s why II was so amazed Dee wanted to know what SHE meant too ME.  I feel like I’m so boring to be around.   I know I am to me.  
 

another weekend.  Even more challenges killing time and movement frustration.  Except for entertainment, it really makes more sense  to live in rehab.

[kayc]

I sure understand wanting night to come, I cherish my "down time."  But Iris asked me to make her some fat bombs, so I did that last night instead of relaxing with Kodie.  I hope this doesn't become a habit because I'll give her the recipe.  No reason in the world she can't make her own.  Very messy to work with.

Got my lawn mowed and trees trimmed somewhat, said he'd have to come back to climb them and finish.

I never dreamed when you had your surgery this is what they'd leave you with.

 

[Gwenivere]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about how my life isn’t remotely as it was.  Very few people that were for decades.  I expected people would change around, but everyone of significance?  And disappear too? I really care for Dee, but I don’t know how to adapt to a brand new person not connected to anyone else in my whole life. You usually add to an existing foundation . I get becoming friends, but this deep caring I’m very confused by.  I think it’s because life had a flow to it.  Add in we can’t do anything outside of here. It’s not a normal friendship.  I’ve never wanted to talk to my once friends and family so desperately..  It’s becoming the feeling dependent on her.  Of course we have friendship times.  She wants me to be who iI am, but I’m trying to figure that out myself because I don’t know anymore,.  I haven’t for so long. I so miss I had been achieving a livable state about 16 months ago.  I  could at least exist in a more 'normal' grief.  Melody filled the voids.  So it’s hard trying to be there for Dee while I sort out how I keep going.  I know people meet late in life, and it can become very intense, but it’s a new experience for me.  I never thought I’d be the last one standing in my world.  

[KarenK]

Gwen, not sure what you're implying, but just be true to yourself and your values. Don't try to be something you're not. I'm sure Dee is a great friend and one day she'll be an "old" friend with your own history together.

[kayc]

Ditto whatt Karen said.  

[Gwenivere]

I’m experiencing so many things with no tether to someone familiar.  We had a fight last night and I had no one to talk to about it.  I don’t know how to live so handicapped and with someone I’m not more in tune with, I am finding..  We usually sit in the living room together..  I just spent an hour in a huge anxiety attack. Part triggered she was in a bad mood.   She usually talks to me about her day more but I feel I’m annoying her.   I had no idea how starving I am for connection.  She did what she wanted.  I want to do that.  Other nights she has been crying afraid she doesn’t mean enough to me.  THIS is why I’m so confused.  The friend she lost just as important.  Maybe we just moved this too quickly ,but it felt normal.  This is why I have to write these out.  No, we ran into obstacles and tackled them immediately.  Now we have the death and we all know how that mucks up everything when that joins our life.  That wasn’t there when we were beginning this journey.  I brought the  physical and she unexpected emotional extra.  We talked tonight and got more up on track.  
 

Some social worker coming by today an hour after I get up. That won’t go well.  I’m not coherent.  Later in the week is PT and a nurse during my shower.  Going to be very hpt so don’t know how I’ll do my laps.  Hopefully more big anxiety attacks and some worthwhile sleep.  Captive in the palace again.  Waiting for summer to end.  Makes it easier being stupid in here make more sense.  Here comes September.

[kayc]

I do not want summer to end.  It's been fairly agreeable, not like last summer, much easier to tolerate.  When it ends it's all too soon when winter starts and remembering last winter, that was super rough.

Good luck with the social worker.  Yes, it'll be hot today and tomorrow.  Hotter than they predict as it'll likely be 100 tomorrow.

[KarenK]

We're looking at 110 midweek. Our hot weather will run into October. Our "monsoon" season is over. Not much rain in my area, but other areas got slammed several times with much rain, strong winds, and flooding.

It will probably just take some time to work out the kinks in your new friendship, Gwen.

[V. R.]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

We're looking at 110 midweek. Our hot weather will run into October. Our "monsoon" season is over. Not much rain in my area, but other areas got slammed several times with much rain, strong winds, and flooding.

It will probably just take some time to work out the kinks in your new friendship, Gwen.

 I'm sitting here this afternoon, yet again, listening to and watching  our daily storms, which we've been having almost every day for the past month! The wettest August in our history, I'm sure. 

[Gwenivere]

Our heat starts Tuesday.  Nothing like you, Karen.  We’re wimpier.  Maybe if we had actual AC. 
 

A nurse came by for a check.  Informed me time is running out for their transitional services.  The case worker talked to me about in home health care to replace them.  Also assisted living and adult homes.  Pages of resources.   They can’t recommend anyone and that annoys me.  It’s like being thrown in the ocean and hope you get a good life preserver.  I break into tears talking to anyone now.  I got edema coming home. It could cause problems.  I was in such better shape in rehab.  Ironic, and very much complicates every hour of my life since being here.  Now that my life isn’t close to what it was, all these new decisions are more than overwhelming.  Decisions I don’t want to make.  I was wondering why I was having a harder time sleeping and it’s because I’m getting an hour more.  Lost my pre dinner nap.  My rhythm is totally messed up.  Some things just are unhappy being moved and don’t adapt.  I’ve done it, but it never feel right.

Had a good talk with Dee. after the movie.  Will have-to see how the news I got hits today hits today about the next slew of phone calls about home health hits.  Doing them wil be even more fun, I’m sure.  Gonna be a long afternoon in the heat. I know you’ll cross my mind a lot, Karen!  🌞

[KarenK]

Gwen, I have found that sometimes just googling "reviews for.........is helpful". You never know what you'll find. Also check the Better Business Bureau which is sort of reliable, although I've heard that companies sometimes pay them for good reviews. Plus you might get some info from the state department that licenses them. Might save you some calls if you can narrow things down.

We may have the heat, but not your level of humidity. That would kill me.

[kayc]

Yes AZ is much drier, we are also humid.  When I first hooked up my A/C, I got 2 gal. of water out of the air in here!  Trying to only run A/C when it's over 80 in here, usually in the late afternoon/early evening.  
Add 6 degrees to any day on here and that's what we're getting, they've been off all summer, underpredicting.
https://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?lon=-122.41158872593141&lat=43.802891161925544

Karen, great ideas.  I'm always checking on doctors, etc.  My health site isn't helpful though, it lists providers in Cottage Grove instead of Springfield, Cottage Grove is so out of the way, I never go there.