My Sanity Needed Vents

[V. R.]

Thank you Karen. No, fortunately, not near me. I'm in the southern part (Campania region), we are expecting heavy rain tonight and tomorrow, we're on 'yellow' alert, better than 'orange' or 'red', hope it stays that way. 

 

[Gwenivere]

The shower aide I had in transition stoped by.  She has volunteered to give me showers thru  October.  That is awesome.  I hope Dee doesn’t take it wrong.  This woman looks at it being gods work and we get along very well.  I do need Dee to trim my hair.  I just never know how her mood will be.  My meds been really messing with me as well as the pain getting worse.  My insurance called and I couldn’t get then back.   Spent almost an hour with iPad problems again.  Sounds are always on and I didn’t change anything.  This time they didn’t fix it to what it was so I’ll work around it.  I hate-changing settings because I can’t find them again which means another call.  Arg!

Dee had another weird night that had me in knots.  I’m hoping the place I want to hire will be able to pull together a team soon.  It’s getting too much the normal relationship and her going ‘nutty'..  I had such high hoes and no idea she surrender damage from physical mistreatment.  It’s very sad.

Time to start winding down for sleep.  Latest news is she will probably be going to NM to see friends of her friend' that died for a week.  I think/hope I have a couple weeks to get my needed people.  More so, that Iget some much needed pain help.  Without that, it’s all futile.  
 

Cold weekend.  Moved up to fall socks and no fan when sleeping.  Good thing I don’t have to go anywhere as shoes  are too tight.  Best to all.  💕
 

 

 

 

 

[KarenK]

Can't remember the last time I had on a pair of shoes. I wear sandals with sox around the house. I bought several pairs of "Earth" sandals at least 20 years ago when they were $10. They're pretty beat up now, but still in one piece and comfortable. They don't come in my size(5) now and even if they did, I couldn't afford them. I only wear boots when I leave the house.

Perhaps you could get Dee to understand you wanted her as a friend, not a caregiver. That way maybe she wouldn't take offense.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I do need Dee to trim my hair.

Pick her in a good mood or it could come out hazardous looking!

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Cold weekend.

Is it ever!  VERY cold in my house, 64!  Won't be any better tomorrow.

I stick to my Kalso Earth shoes exclusively for their negative heels, the only thing that keeps me upright.

[V. R.]

@kayc, how is the fire situation? I hope everything is OK with you.

Our rainstorms weren't so bad as predicted, but I'm so sorry for the tragic flooding in other areas. 

[Gwenivere]

The shower aide I had in transition stoped by.  She has volunteered to give me showers thru  October.  That is awesome.  I hope Dee doesn’t take it wrong.  This woman looks at it being gods work and we get along very well.  I dd need Dee to hair trimmed which she did.   My meds have been really messing with me as well as the pain getting worse.  My insurance called and I couldn’t get then back.   Spent almost an hour with iPad problems again.  Sounds are always on and I didn’t change anything.  This time they didn’t fix it to what it was so I’ll work around it.  I hate-changing settings because I can’t find them again which means another call.  

Woke up today feeling very ill.  Another reason to not want to go on.  The notes from the surgeon and the appointment are  different than L recall. I really se no need to continue this existence.  It’s a horrible feeling.. I have no clue who to talk to.  He doesn’t think PT will help much, was back different than I remember.  Brought surgery back in which was once out.  How’s a person to know what to bo?  

I did more exercise than I planned.  Habits and trying to stay active.  I wish I could depend on my memory.  I truly miss that.  I wish I  never needed oxycodone.   It's so messed up my thinking.  These  posts are proof.  I’m glad you all put p with me.  A good Sunday to everyone.  At least people like us struggling  here.

 

 

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, V. R. said:

how is the fire situation? I hope everything is OK with you.

110,000 acres.  Can go back to level 2 evac. any moment...this is getting old.

Oh Gwen, we more than like you, I hope you know that!  But your struggles, OMG.    I wish there was some relief for you.

Temp dropped 40 degrees in a week!  Got A/C stored yesterday and turned on Edenpure heater.  Too early for fireplace....my son never looked at it this summer so I guess I'll struggle with it another year, but don't want to start yet or will run out of wood due to the fires burning too hot...shoulder season.  Hard to gear.

 

[Gwenivere]

Sunday I got a much needed shower.  Oddly, it didn’t. make me feel better.  It was knowing the time interval.  Not because I had done anything  that warranted it.  I just now how eating affects me and don’t want any surprises.  I don’t know what this week will bring .  Yesterday was extra painful.   I’m sure being tense and the tub movements made things worse.  Haven’t lost the feeling sick thing either.  Here later than usual.  Jst doesn’t feel right not checking in.  

[kayc]

Cedar Creek Fire over 112,000 acres yesterday, too early for today's updates.  Extremely smoky the last two days, had to walk with a mask on.  Took A/C down a couple of days ago, they predict 80 next Sunday!  Weather is crazy, nothing you can count on.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m sure being tense and the tub movements made things worse.

I'm sure it does.  Wow, I've noticed your updates are at 2 am, close to time for me to get up.  

[kayc]

Missing an update from you, Gwen!  Hope you're okay, maybe you're having computer issues...

Panther never showed up for dinner.  Tried calling him several times before going to bed.  Looked in carport, nothing.

[Gwenivere]

I used to go to bed a))bout 4:30.  I’m back on about an hour now.  2am in my long stint in rehab.  Always have been a night owl, Steve too. Did my time  when I worked decades ago of the 'normal' life.  The world  runs 24 hours a day!  
 

Had a Zoom meeting with my regular doc.  Had a scroll of things he wants me to do.  They forget that it’s a o easier to or than to do.  Especially with all the stuff I’d have to drag along.  No comprehension of living as I have to mentally.  I thought I might have gotten good news as I saw I had written a check for the years property taxes. Dee remembers mailing it.  A call confirmed it was ne’er received.  So,, I didn’t lose any money, but I have to now.  It would have been the higher first half. Couldn’t find anywhere online to find it. More calls.  I really want to smash this phone.  Probably facing penalties.   I was in rehab, thought I’d was taken care of.  But no. This was the 2nd check the PO has lost. 
 

Again, a submitted post didn’t takke and half is missing.  I KNOW I make sure I get them in before bed.  Maybe my brain is more messed u than I realize.  That makes moe sense.  I could swear I wrote about what happened all day yesterday.
 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, has that check cleared the bank? If not, it may have also been lost after reaching it's destination. Many, many years ago, I received an insufficient funds notice on a check to the water dept. I was confused as that bank account had been closed for many months. About a year before, I'd sent a replacement check for one that never showed up. The check they were trying to process had been found on the floor behind a filing cabinet when it was moved. They didn't notice that it was a year old???? Maybe if you explain the circumstances, the penalty could be waived. It never hurts to ask.

[Widow2015]

Gwen: Don't want to cause more problems for you, but have you tried the on line email site for King County Auditors office?

• Real Property Email: propertytax.customerservice@kingcounty.gov       ?

I always dread dealing with county/federal/state offices on the phone.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

Very tough day getting up.  Harder every day.  Had a Zoom appointment with my PCP yesterday.  I wasn’t very patient especially when he got into all he wants me to do.  So easy for them to order tests.  Major ordeals to do.  Ne’er know if my insurance will pay so have to add that in too.  Everything more complicated with more oxygen dependence and walking worse.  Not really caring as I can’t lower the pain.  
 

Karen, definitely planning to try to get penalties waived.  The state won’t do it under any circumstance.  So I I’m stuck with the penalty.  I owed another for the last half of 2021 too.  I tied pay that too or it would get bigger.  So much more than I planned on. 
 

Trying to walk today was very hard.   I’m so slouched and trying to stay as upright as I can is failing so my diaphragm is so compromised.  I had lots of names and numbers I tossed.  Clean slate.  No reference for what they were for.  I so love living on the phone (not) i rather not break my phone from frustration.  Wondering if every time I get upI can stand it.  Nw finding sitting is harder.  So wanting to  do ANYTHING but to take up space.  I’m already trying to figure out doing this another day.  Now it’s going on 8 years.  I thought I’d eventually find a way to become introverted which I am not, never have been.  This shows me we end up when we’re forced to be something we are not, it never works.  Same as my Steve.

 

[KarenK]

Does the surgeon have any idea what is causing the pain or how to fix it? This has just just gone on so long for you, Gwen. I know you don't want to, but you may have to increase the pain meds. At this point I would worry less about addiction and more about getting the pain to an acceptable level, but that's just me. There's just no reason to have to live as you are.

How are things going with Dee? Is she still planning on making her trip with friends?

I wasn't sure who you paid property taxes to. Here they are paid to our counties. Didn't know if they be lenient or not. Sometimes credit card companies will remove penalties under unusual circumstances.

[kayc]

I, too, check online to make sure they receive/post my payments.  Make sure they didn't cash it, maybe it missed posting!  Ours is to our county.  It helps to get a hold of someone who gives a rip...hard to find.  Years ago the social security office demanded the $ back they paid in out my niece when she died (born without a brain) who lived nearly two years.  I told Julie to keep contacting them until she got the answer she wanted and then get their name/number.  She did and it worked!  But that was 30 years ago too.

Got three huge trees trimmed all the way up, he still has some of the cleanup to do, worked past dinner!  He's coming back to finish cleanup, blow off the roof and grate/gutter in from of carport.  I need to buy some rope when I go to town so he can replace the one in the wood stove.  He has a tree earmarked for firewood for me for upcoming years.  One he's taking down for a neighbor.

Yesterday I unpacked!  It felt so good to get it all put away!  Cindy sent me a link to a video/post on the fire saying the part they just contained is the part protecting High Prairie area, so great and such a huge relief!  Even though the fire itself is only 13% contained and beyond huge!

Panther hung around all day/evening, so good to have him back!  Still fighting ear mites but it looks way better than a week ago.  His poor ears!

 

[Gwenivere]

First call today was from my CPA.  Papers/forms missing I had last year.  A big one from the huge medical bills.  She said she'd prepare it anyway.  Kept telling me to stay calm.  Hard to do when everything that can goes wrong for over a year, nonstop pain and don’t knock where this going to go.  Wrote a message to the surgeon as I’ve heard nothing back about viable options beyond more surgery.  I’ve only semi confirmed being up and around is not hurting me.  It’s gotten worse so breathing is very hard.  Being weaned down on the opiates must be having an effect even at a small percentage.  I still haven’t called my shrink. Don’t know if I’m up to a mental beating.  My CPA said put on some TV, relax and have a good day.  What’s driving me crazy as it is!
 

I’ve spilled water twice since getting up.  Repined my hair which is monu,ental.  Need all my pill packs refilled which is always tense.  Dee gets very intense which is good  I made things as clear as I can.  More 2022 health info came. I keep anything with a balance.  If I kept the zero balance ones I’d be drowning in paper.  I got a $30 refund check so buying us some dinners and gas for her as she runs around on errands for me.  
 

Trying to decide wether to have the housekeeper this week.  Rates up and more needed when I need the bed changed and laundry.   This house is so different than my once home.  So much spent on being old and the minimum that I have to pay.  No deck work, carpets cleaned,  furnace check and yard maintenance.  Can’t even change the. filter in my bedroom fan.  All things that would so help. 
 

Watching Hatfieldds @ Mc'coys. and I see beyond what a horrid time was to live and see it’s the family bond that is the reason for living.   I miss that feeling in my life now.  It was very cold this morning and I can’t move to turn it on.  First I need to get someone to put it on my bed.  Brrrrrrrr.   Really getting worried that walking is getting so much harder.  Solutions not seeming so critical to my supposed care givers.

[kayc]

I need to take time to go to Springfield, esp. to buy rope for my wood stove...leaving to go on retreat Wednesday...I don't need groceries yet although it's been two weeks so might do some touchup.  Need to buy Kodie's dogfood at Costco and need to go to the dollar store for a pooper scooper as one of the tree limbs demolished mine on my front porch day before yesterday.  So maybe on Friday.  Today is Bible Study and I cherish our time together as women...last week we never got passed the sharing/prayer time!  1 hour 40 minutes!  Feeling today will be similar, our women are going through so much!

Still haven't called my doctor for an ENT.  Just not feeling the urgency to hurry up and wait for an appt. that will likely be in the winter when I can't make it.  Maybe I'll wait until late Spring.  It's waited a couple of years by now so am not seeing the urgency.  I'm still alive.

Gwen, maybe every other week with the housekeeping being higher?  It might get a little dustier in between.  Can always change back if it's too bad.

[Gwenivere]

I’m friends with my housekeeper as well, even tho I only see her here.  It’s nice to have some company.  Dee did several chores.  Can’t really justify it.  But loneliness is a huge motivation.  I am going to cancel as I’d like to have some things put away like the AC.  I called Amazon with a similar question and they made me reset my password o see my account.   NThat went easy, but now I’m locked out because it thinks something is wrong with my credit card l just used a couple of days ago.  Reset my whole account.  Supposedly should be able to enter tomorrow.  I should have never touched it.  There will be a problem.  Their explanation doesn’t make sense.  I should really be mad at me as I know better than to muck with things over a question.

I’ve got to let go of my frustration of Dee not being to say no to anyone that needs help that makes her feel overwhelmed.  She’s going back out for someone else who is waiting on AAA and all she can provided is a jump.  If’ the car needs more-there is no5hing she  c an do.  Self created chaos I don’t dare bring up.  
 

I tried eating Safeway Chinese food again.  Ugh.  Now I know, not that I had any doubts, but today is going to be a very bad day combined with everything  else.  
 

Dee is on another time of grilling me and I have to shut it drown so I can think.  For someone who loves me so much, she says she can’t forgive me for thing’s i never wanted to hurt her about. And yet she keeps-taking phone calls. Why do i have to love her so much?  We are from 2 different worlds.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

now I’m locked out because it thinks something is wrong with my credit card l just used a couple of days ago.  Reset my whole account.

I went through this with google recently (gmail, chrome, the whole shebang!)  All because I'm fumble fingers since my hand injuries!  Type something wrong and it goes on and on!  Had to do confirmation, reset password, etc.  Cost me an hour or two.

With Dee...IDK the answer but trust you'll figure it out in time.  It seems like working out a friendship is like trial and error sometimes!  Fortunately (or unfortunately) I'm not that close to anyone.

Managed to get my head inside my wood stove and look up at it and it's not the bypass door that's warped, it's the frame around it, badly warped!  I know when it's from...I accidentally left the bypass arm open instead of closed when engaged on high for 20 minutes at the beginning of a fire load...that's all it took.  My son will come look at it (I sent him pictures) when he replaces the rope gasket, which I ordered on Amazon last night.  They sent me Prime membership afterwards, which I didn't want, had a heck of a time trying to cancel it!  They don't let you.   Got it done...I think.  Anyway, getting on my knees like to have KILLED me with my permanent knee injuries from 2017!  Could NOT hold that stance!  

 

 

 

 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

she says she can’t forgive me for thing’s i never wanted to hurt her about.

This is on her to figure out, not you.  You've tried, nothing more you can do, please try not to let it bug you.  Toss it back to her if she brings it up.  Her unforgiveness is on her.  Period. 

Sorry.  I know it can make it uncomfortable living there, kind of like an unforgiving husband would be...can't get away from.

[KarenK]

Kay, it seems you have to be so careful anymore when ordering anything. There's always a nearly hidden box that signs you up for memberships, automatic payment, etc. and it's already marked "yes". If you miss it and don't uncheck it, BAM, you're signed up! Amazon did that to me one time and I didn't notice for 3 months because the amount charged on my credit card was small. It took a while to get it cancelled.

Hope you get your woodstove working properly before winter sets in. Still over 100 predicted here next week.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, hard to imagine your temps here, Karen.  And when we do have them it’s absolute misery.  
 

Dee really raked me over the coals last night.  She’s acting totally normal today.  It’s a scary atmosphere as she’s carrying a lot of ‘disrespect'.  I have never succeeded in fixing it and probably never will.  Problem is I need her too.  I need so much help. I can’t predict when, but in the late night there would be no one here.  I feel terrible saying that.  I can’t afford a live in caregiver.  They probably can’t do meds either.   
 

I've developing agoraphobia.  I always had the panic disorder, but I’m terrified thinking of going in anywhere.  I’ve been essentially locked up for 14 months.  I never had this part of the disorder before.  As long as I took my meds I was OK.  I get huge anxiety just being here.  I never feel safe anymore.   It’s not supposed to be that way.  But I look at my circumstances and see something I couldn’t have ever imagined. I heard from my  surgeon that .PT won’t do much.  Just staying ambulatory as I can.  When Dee is normal she gets me to do my strength exercises.  I’m sure they help.  I slept most of Thursday right without moving.  I don’t know if that is good or not.  I wanted to call my counselor, but got tied up with Amazon again.  Wanted to find out if long isolations can cause fear of being back in the world.  Dee could take me to a park but all I can do is sit. I’m going to ask the surgeon again how does a person live in nonstop pain.  It’s where they already operated.  I need an answer.  
 

 

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

how does a person live in nonstop pain.  It’s where they already operated.

This is part of what I'm encountering about my right hand, although I have extensive injuries in both hands, I have pain where she cut on me that I didn't have before.  Why I will never trust them to touch either hand again!  The numbness in my right hand that she'd attempted to alleviate with the surgery...did not ever go away.  It's been nearly two years since they butchered me.  I was on extra strength Tylenol and Ibuprofen around the clock for six months...I discontinued because it raises my BP and BS and wasn't helping.

It's morning and I'm still so tired.  Too much going on.  Last night filter queen called (they warranty my Air filtrations and vacuum cleaner) they always send up a guy to check them and clean them put new filters in, costs me $550/year...I asked how much if I only put one air filtration and vacuum on, $340!  Going to do it, means the other one will be off warranty.  I've had them about 18 years or so, George was alive, I know that.  I think about all the $ I've wasted over the year on them!  I have extra filters to last a while.  It's the vacuum that's likely to wear out and they charge a fortune for every dang little part!  For what I'm paying I could BUY a vacuum!  This year they no longer have a guy to come here and want to mail them to me so I do all the work but no discount!  (Have I got a deal for you!)  

Went to town yesterday, out to Costco, got gas, Winco for Groceries, WM for my flu shot...the needle leaked fluid all down my arm so she didn't know how much went in so did another one with 1/2 shot.  I don't know if I'm vaccinated or not!  I felt it like in my muscle so I know some went in but a lot of it didn't so not sure...

Had to get a guy to put my dogfood in my cart, and again someone to help get it in my car, I can't lift it.  I thought, what am I going to do when I'm 80!  When I got home I rolled it from trunk to wheelbarrow, then took the wheelbarrow inside/through the house and dumped it out on kitchen floor.  Then, cut the top off and lifted it to the edge of the roll/cart container and poured it in until it was full.  Could carry rest to storage until needed.  And it's only 35 lbs.  I used to be able to hoist them up on my shoulder and CARRY them to the patio!

Air quality this morning, 316, hazardous.  Day after day.  Have to mask up for walks.

They have a containment on my side of the fire but if it jumps that line, we're all toast by the time we get us and pets into our cars and drive towards it and down the hill....toast.  I feel kind of like a sitting duck.  Our lives in their hands to know what they're doing.

My granddaughter's baptism tomorrow morning, haven't heard if Melissa is going or not.  

My wood stove is kind of toast right now.  Can't use it until the rope on the door is replaced, was going to have the neighbor do it but found out you have to take it apart to get the door out and then take it apart to put the rope in!  Ordered the rope and glue but don't know WHEN my son will come do it.  It needs to be soon as it gets in the 40s at night.  It was running 50s/60s daytime!  80s this week until Wednesday (when I go on retreat), then 70s.  Back Sat. night.

Oh, and still dealing with Panther's ears but he won't allow me to treat them anymore and still has black gunk in them but I hope they're dead mites by now and not live ones.  I treated them just over a week.  He has scabs/crust on the outside of his ears from scratching.  What a mess.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Dee really raked me over the coals last night.  She’s acting totally normal today.  It’s a scary atmosphere as she’s carrying a lot of ‘disrespect'.

I am so sorry, Gwen, that you are in this situation of having to live with this because you are dependent on her.  A helluva place to be in.  I'm sorry the experts haven't helped you.  If PT isn't going to do anything, I'd discontinue or rather do it on my own at home, one less place to pay and deal with.  I just hope and pray you are safe with Dee, her mind sounds unhinged.  I know she's been there for you but...

OMG, I'm just so sorry.  Damn if it doesn't get harder the older we get!