My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

The scattering went okay, 18 of us, Mick's kids were all nice (never knew aside from FB) everyone there but Dana and Jordan. Disappointed in Julie, I spoke a bit about Peggy, who everyone knew and loved, but I shared about Bert, he was my brother for 50 years, the one I could count on, so I shared three instances he was there for me, he had a heart of gold, just a rough exterior, and I heard Julie disgustingly muttering loudly and shaking her head, it was pure hate and very disrespectful.  It shook me so bad I forgot to mention his accepting the Lord two weeks before he died, which I'd wanted to tell about.  Oh well, God knows, and Peggy too, and I too will always cherish him in my heart.

Gwen, I can only hope today goes better for you.    I am still going through it with Spectrum, them billing me for charges not meted, me fighting with them, nasty sales reps, having to call back to get someone decent, ugh.

[Widow2015]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

 Oh well, God knows, and Peggy too, and I too will always cherish him in my heart.

Kay:  That's what is important, your memories of Bert.   Sorry this brief display had to ruin the mood for you.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I am so caught up in a medical mess with my anxiety, oxycodone and these pain patches.  All are dangerous to mix together and are causing my breathing to become very hard.  My thinking is all off too.  I can’t stop any of them now.  I feel totally at the mercy of the doctors, but that they don’t get  me fear this evokes. Each one says it’s all got to change.  I've done so much reading that I’ve freaked myself out.  
 

Dee is in terrible shape.  I've never seen her like this.  She’s back in bed and she never does that….ever.  

 It would help so much if I could stand up.  Even in pain.   I could maybe do something for us both.  Being able to breathe would help too.  Heck.  If these surgeries would have worked, none of this would be a problem at all.  Or if they would have stopped the opioids at 4 to 6 weeks las they should have this wouldn’t be happening. 
 

I have a telemed meeting with the shrink this afternoon to be grilled about my drug 'stash'.  I’m just going to cover my butt as best as I can.  He's just non compassionate.  I can’t eve n feel grateful he is trying to keep me from from stopping breathing by the anxiety and opiate mix.  I don’t see caring with iim, I see narcissism looking at him.

Time to take this yucky body to bed.  Talk to the pharmacist as well and have some big questions for her about these patches as I feel worse.  💕
 

 

[kayc]

Your research may say your life, Gwen.  Too often doctors don't tell us everything we need to know. 

What is causing Dee to go off the edge?  Is it the loss of her friend do you think?

(((hugs)))

[Gwenivere]

I didn’t know it my research is helping me.  I had my appointment and am confused as ever and now they want me to cut pills.  In trying to get me a sooner one with a doctor I have in May., all they have is today when I get up.  Not a problem for those that aren’t on med dictated lives.  The anxiety meds my shrink decided to mess up what had been working.  The pain center created a problem with the patch that is not effectively being fixed.  It’s caused me to lie (my fault for saying anything to my shrink) and now on this hamper wheel the pain clinic with this patch and dosing.   
 

Now it’s getting close to sleep again, being discharged from home health and still have so many problems.  Shower day today if I can handle it.  I remember last week being extra hard.  This I owe to the pain clinic too.  Had my telexed with my shrink and getting rationed down meds for 2 months.  Then I don’t know what he can offer I feel comfortable with.  Just experiments with antidepressants.  Like I don’t feel awful enough?  I look in the mirror and say who is that?  💕 to all.

[kayc]

Snowed during the night, more to come. 
Spent all day on the phone with Viasat and Spectrum, still trying to get my landline ported, appt changed to Thursday, still hasn't been given the go ahead in spite of all my efforts.

Viasat billed me for the entire month AFTER equipment taken down at their direction a week ago. I told them to remove my visa on autopay as they made it so I couldn't, they told me I'd get turned over to collections, I have a perfect credit score and they are ripping me off?!  Not sure what to do about it.  Still haven't sent the box for my equipment to be sent back! Remember, they made me get up on the roof in a snowstorm last Tuesday! They took my ACP payment so Spectrum's bill doesn't have it to offset it.Tried calling ACP twice and they hung up without listening to me at all.

 

Is this all old age has to offer? Being alone and weathering the storms...

[KarenK]

Kay, I don't know if you have anyone in your area, but here the local news stations have consumer advocates that help people deal with businesses like this. You might check into it.

[kayc]

I paid the damn thing, getting dinged from both companies for same month and the first one I had no internet in that month, none.  They won't send the box/label until a full month goes by.  I hope they sleep well but with no scruples they probably do.

May report them anyway when all is said and done.

[Margm]

Kay, it has got to where you will be lucky to find a phone number to call.  Amazon will call you back if you leave a number after searching for a place everywhere.  Not just Amazon, Ancestry.com, and most nearly every one.  Norton took $144 out of my account (yearly time) even though I wrote them over and over at start of year that I did not want to keep on with them.  They filled up my email, just like McAfee with offers to up my coverage constantly.  They tried to make me think I wasn't covered for everything and needed to buy this, that and the other.  I found a phone number listed on the account that took it out of my bank, called them and told them they were covering a computer no longer in use, gave them my new email again and was going to go to the bank.  But, wonder of wonders, it was almost instantly put back into my account.  Now they send me things by regular mail.  Two letters offering more coverage for less, etc.  Every company is after money.  Kelli bought (what she thought was a pair of pillow cases, only it was one pillow case for cost of two (used to be).  Long ago I was shocked when you bought a lamp and then had to by the lamp shade separately.  (I have become very cranky).

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how I'm surviving the days.  It’s getting harder now that Dee is so cranky all the time as she makes it very hard to know what will annoy her.  What will one time may not be next.  
 

Only 2  good things happened.  A dream I was doing something f un friends and got thru my shower.  Today I see m6 grief counselor for the last time.  I'll probably spend it crying about that.  
 

Still trying to sort out this pain, sleep, eat and depression stu f.  💕

[kayc]

I can't help but feel how different your life would be right now if it was with a caregiver/friend who was normal.  Seriously.  You are holding your breath and walking on eggshells for so long now...

Marg, I paid them for the month, even though no internet in it, they took my ACP so Spectrum couldn't apply it, tried calling ACP, they hung up on me...twice.  Never even listened to me!  So much for that number.  Viasat is on my black list. They won't send the box/label for their equipment for another month. Why? Because they are extorting me!  I told them I'm telling everyone who will listen on social media!  Most people up here have Spectrum anyway. I didn't want to ruin my perfect credit score for a piddly amount, but oh man it makes me mad!  Dirty rotten scoundrels! And what really ticks me off is them making this 70 year old lady get up on the roof to remove their equipment during a snowstorm!  Like they were going to send for it right away. 

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

And what really ticks me off is them making this 70 year old lady get up on the roof to remove their equipment during a snowstorm! 

I cannot understand pure human decency, we do not have it and honestly, no one cares if we are 40-70-80.  I'm not going to say we do not have helpful people still.  Gotta be good people that are not out for "just me" somewhere.  Probably why I stay inside all the time.  Probably why I rent an apartment.  I ruined my credit with ATT and of course they didn't care.  I pay for mine and my sister's phone.  ATT I was with untold years and was paying up to $250 a month for a flip phone, with only me on it.  I went with the Jitterbug flip and Lively company and pay $77 for my sister and my flip phones, unlimited everything that the only thing we do is call.  I had to get out of ATT, biggest rip-off for me I have ever been on.  Have to have Optimum internet/TV/house phone and have talked them down $100 a month.  Again, they do not care who or how old you are.  All I want to do is sleep anyhow, but got to get ready to make sure my sister has food.  The PET scan came back showing only a shadow, going to treat with oral medication.  Supposed to make her hungry.  She does not want to cook anymore, me either, none of my friends.  

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know why, but my post’s keep showing up twice.  One actually posted, a duplicate waiting.   
 

I'm having a heck of a time on this pain patch and need help desperately.  I finally got an email about dosage equivalents and see a big problem.  The patch strength of mine are equal to 20-30 of the pills and i"m only taking 1.  It’s no wonder the withdrawal is so intense.  So it makes me wonder why isn’t that being addressed.  Just shot the clinic a message.  What’s odd isI didn’t wake up in the morning till close to the alarm.  I was waking up about 3 hours earlier.  Dee talked me into trying half of another RX supposedly to help with the withdrawal.  I’m not keen on adding another medication and side effects.  I'll see how I sleep.

Said goodbye to my counselor yesterday.  I’m torn up about it.  It’s a death to me.  I cried so much talking with her.  I have to contact who she recommended.  I had her end the session.   I couldn’t do it like I usually do.  Today is our usual day.  Had been. For over 20 years.  
 

 

[kayc]

Found out their mobile may not work any better than the Verizon one I have here, they told me return unopened no charge, now I get an email telling me $50 fee!  It never ends with these people.  

18 hours ago, Margm said:

ATT I was with untold years and was paying up to $250 a month for a flip phone, with only me on it.

WHAT!  I had AT&T for years, iPhone (before they started numbering them) three people on it was under $160/mo, good service but again, not at home, that was when I was working.

[kayc]

Oh Gwen, I know this is hard.  Thinking of you!

[Margm]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

good service

Could not get service on the floor (bottom) I lived on.  I do with Lively..  I was with them at least 14 years.  They gave an explanation each time.  I just quit, credit score be damned.  The longer I was with them the more it got.  I wrote letters to everyone I could find to write to, no help.  In fact, I became more of an expense for talking to me.  By this time flip  phone was old.

[Gwenivere]

I just found out the patches I am on for pain ere giving me more opiates than I ever took.  Now I’m trying the medication to supposedly help with side teffect withdrawal symptoms.  I've been loopy all day.  Last nurse visit today and a recommendation for an eye cyst.  Called new therapist.  Have an appointment next week if her rate is doable.  Dee got angry again like clockwork.  Always after I eat dinner and some minor thing.  Won’t talk to me or watch a movie.  It’s never anything I could see coming as, obviously, I wouldn’t do it.  Terribly depressed about losing Jinny.  Lots of back and forth with the pain clinic knowing they soon want another dose dropped leaving me only one in this mess.  Can hardly converse with people in this condition.  

Housekeeper  coming today.  Place needs it.  Have some calls to make hoping I make sense when  I struggle for words.  It’s hard when the simplest ones slip my mind.  Frustrating seeing I've done something and have no memory of it.  Vice versa too.  

Best get moving towards bed.  💕 to all.
 

 

[KarenK]

I'm not sure this pain clinic is doing you any favors by trading one opiate for another, and a stronger one at that. Why you you be experiencing withdrawal if the patches are stronger? Something is not right and I know you feel helpless with it all. Just worried about you fighting all this alone.

I watched a documentary called "The Elephant In The Living Room" about people who keep exotic animals in their homes or on their property. It was good,but so sad. I had always assumed this was illegal, but apparently isn't in some states. Of course there are pros and cons to this. Most of the animals are treated like family. Just don't think I'd want a full grown cougar roaming around in my backyard. For some reason, this movie is stuck in my brain. Guess it's because I love and respect animals.

[kayc]

Gwen, it never seems to end, does it.  I'm so sorry.

Wow, sounds like a good movie, Karen! I'll have to look into it.

So decided since I have to pay the $50 to make the leap and try to activate it.  Called in for someone to walk me through it...only there's no Sim card.  Guy acted like I must have dropped it or didn't see it.  Nope, it's not there.  It was a sealed package, just it's not there!  Sent it FedEx ON, ha!  Storm in TX, didn't make it through.  Lord knows when I'll get it.

Bit the bullet and called my SIL, it's been a good while, and the more she tries to call, the less likely I am to call her back, she's unhinged, but did my deed yesterday.  Escaped to take Kodie on his play date, Iris called, Jazzy stuck in kennel, she wanted me to come rescue her.  Horrid weather for it but the dogs don't care.  Did her dishes, gave me something to do.

[Gwenivere]

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

I'm not sure this pain clinic is doing you any favors by trading one opiate for another, and a stronger one at that. Why you you be experiencing withdrawal if the patches are stronger? Something is not right and I know you feel helpless with it all. Just worried about you fighting all this alone.

 IFriday was a very hard day to get thru.  I have to prepare for a long  weekend with no support. Made my payment to Jinny and had withdrawal.  If only sleep was an re refuge.  💕

 

Thank you Karen.  The medication in the patch is not an opioid like oxycodone.   It blocks the same receptors.  Theory being it makes it not possible to get the opiate. Problem is it is more than the opiate.  I'm writing the clinic again about the ratio and long term plan as the pain is never going to stop for the rest of m6 life without some relief.  Am

[KarenK]

That's good to know, Gwen. Do the patches seem to ease the pain?

The only pain patch I'm familiar with is Fentanyl which along with a Morphine and Dilaudid pump was used for my daughter in her last weeks. She was either asleep or out of her head then which, I suppose was a blessing. Not a time that I like to remember.

FYI, your last post cut off in the middle.

[kayc]

Thinking of you all, as always...

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know why I have so much trouble posting lately.  I see the whole post when I submit it but it’s chopped off the next day.  There's also another whole one waiting to be submitted.  I’m at a loss on it all.

 I’m so messed up since being on this patch.  I put on a new one yesterday.  Dee is upset I am taking too much anxiety meds.  I haven’t changed them since leaving rehab except adding a half of one at bedtime which I’ve pretty much gotten rid of.  I know I am over medicated but don’t know what I can cut without having anxiety attacks back.  
 

I was afraid Dee would drink last night.  She’s getting very unpredictable.  Luckily she didn’t.  I don’t know what is happening early evening anymore.  That is the only thing that is predictable.  She’s so confused.   Always finds something I do wrong.

 I talk to the pain pharmacist today right after I get up.  Worst time.  I barely know my name.  I hope this is productive.  At least they will see how I am on this is affecting me.  
 

Off to to the bed and wake up routines.  Maybe talk to Nine today.  Church dinner.  💕
 

 

 

[kayc]

Glad you have a church dinner today and so glad Dee was better last night.

I could not get the phone to activate, got everything set up but that, so my neighbor and I drove to Roseburg, left at 9 am, got back at 5 pm.  About an extra 70 miles past Springfield or 60 past Eugene.  LONG day!  Took Kodie with me, was glad, had to take him in with me, have my service dog registration but no one asked for it.  Turns out it can't be activated, marked as a return, so had to drive it to the far end of Springfield to a FedEx as Roseburg's was closed on Saturday.  A whole day on the phone with one rep after another on Friday, countless hours, then the long trip yesterday, for nothing.  So upsetting!  Maureen bought a new phone, $1,000!  I don't want one that bad.  They gave her $600 off for her old one.  The guy told me the one I'd bought wasn't any good, and now I have to pay the $50 return fee even though the way everything transpired was not my fault.  We waited at the store for several hours and they told us it had five hours left to go for the transfer on hers because she had so much stuff on it.  So she'll have her husband drive her back there today to pick it up.  Back to square one, have to wait until they get it back and credit me and then start the process all over again...if I'm brave enough.

Went to neighbor's party (Brandon's 40th bdy) last night, had the best elk burger wrap!  They were just starting the live music when I came home 1 1/2 hours later.  Talked to a gal's husband, I worked with her 20 years ago, found out she died of cancer three years ago, she was 14 years younger than I am.  Was nice to talk to him as I didn't know anyone and we have a lot in common, I don't remember his name though.

Poor Kodie, rode in car all day, then left outside 1 1/2 hours, Panther wouldn't even come see him in the front yard!

Pouring rain...

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how you do all that traveling for stuff, Kay.  I would probably shoot myself.  I'd like to have more activity, but not like that.  I’m so utterly depressed by the routine around here.  Usually have a Zoom visit this afternoon but the woman wants to do it Monday and I hit the ground running with medical stuff for the week.
 

Start a new counselor  Thursday.  Both looking forward to it and dreading it.  I'd rather talk to Jinny about this change of losing her.  It is a deep loss.  I's a death in my life.  So many issues she is familiar with to the smallest detail.  I'm so tired of losing more and more.  
 

I'm also tired of Dee making me a burden and choosing herself when I mention something I need help with I mean right now.  I've always said 'when you get the time' unless it was something like my oxygen getting unplugged.  She got furious because she microwaved some mac and cheese I didn’t want.  It was no big deal.  30 frigging seconds and you don’t it was I expected her to cook me a meal from scratch.  I talk to the pain clinic less than an hour when I get up.  I was going to hae her involved because of my scrambled brain.  But I think she’ll do more harm than good.  She doesn’t like how much meds I take.  I think m own questions and stats of mind be evident.  My ability to retain the info is my problem.  I’m going to ask them to send it to my Ecare portal.

Time to set ifI wake up like yesterday feeling like I was going to de.  It was awful.  I just put on a new patch.very strong plus the withdrawal pills.  💕