My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

The path is iffy concerning water.  Advised to cove it, which I have.  Worked fine.  Talk to pharmacist next Monday about not rushing this and sticking to the 4 week protocol.  

Dee's angry  att me for paying my-bath aide from my former Home Health and not asking her to do it.    Thinks I view her, Dee, as a slave.  How she doesn’t see I'm trying to ask for much. I don’t understand.  I know she can do it as she did once.  I've tried to show my appreciation in many other ways like getting her car heater fixed.  Help her any way I can.  
 

Have OT coming out today.  Still having a hard time with this withdrawal.  Finished watching The.Irishman last night.  3 and a  half hours.  Great cast, but way too long.  Trying a silly sounding one tonigHt with Vince Vaughn.  
 

Time to unwind.   All sleep well. 💕
 

 

 

[kayc]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Thinks I view her, Dee, as a slave.

Does not make sense here...she's mad because you did something yet thinks you view her as a slave???  This does not even make sense!

Picked up some branches but can't get them all as they're buried in snow, can't get into Kodie's fence as up a slippery slope, I dare not try at my age so will have to wait until Spring.

Tax person hasn't done my taxes, has had a month, you watch, she'll call as soon as we get more snow, which is coming this week and lasting beyond a week...we only have two weeks left to file!  I've tried to explain this to them but they didn't listen.

 

[KarenK]

So much of Dee's thinking is skewed. She would drive me nuts.

Our temps are probably still in the 70's which is a good thing. Last year in March, I was using the AC.

Still watching "Lost". 121 episodes. What a crazy show, but it keeps you guessing. Also watching " Dr. Quinn" again. Missed some episodes last time. Plan to watch "The Virginian". Huge crush on James Drury when I was younger.

Waiting on CT scan results. Probably next week.

[Gwenivere]

A lot of things are skewed about Dee.  I never know what to expect.  I just know she doesn’t want to be alive, is angry, depressed and lost.  I’m around it all the time.  But she is around me too and I’m no pleasure either.

Dee just got home, angry again as a friend of hers just got covid.  Scared the friend will die.  Had to do a home test.  Got mad.at me for not reading the instructions fast enough.  She shook out my chair cove rand put it back wrong, but as she can do no wrong,, got in a snit  and walked out.  When she got back I apologized and said I should have asked her to put it on the way I prefer.  I'm  at a loss of how to keep the peace around here.  So many little things I don’t understand why they are so annoying to her.  One thing can not bother her one day and be a long heldp  grudge the next.  
 

I wanted to write more, but she’s taken up all my time.  Have counseling today.  Missed counseling with Home Health yesterday yesterday because the woman screwed up the invite for a Zoom.  I could have used it too.  Have to reschedule.  PT  coming out ne xt week.

💕
 

 

 

[kayc]

Winter Weather Watch says we're getting another 21" - 4 ft of snow in Sat-Wed.  Ugh, not looking forward to it, won't be going anywhere. It's to snow a bit today and tomorrow. Wish my taxes were done so I could get them while the getting is good, but no, apparently not.  Watch them call when we have all this snow!  It'll take an act of God for me to hold my peace since they didn't listen or care.

I hope her test comes out negative but don't you have to wait three days after exposure to test?

Sorry you missed your zoom call. 

[KarenK]

What a mess, Gwen! I wonder if peace is even possible. She seems to want to control everything. Sorry this friendship is not what you expected.

[Margm]

On 3/29/2023 at 5:35 AM, KarenK said:

Still watching "Lost". 121 episodes. What a crazy show, but it keeps you guessing. Also watching " Dr. Quinn" again. Missed some episodes last time. Plan to watch "The Virginian". Huge crush on James Drury when I was younger.

I sat through "Lost" with Billy so long ago.  I didn't like it but it was a riddle of a show he had to see till the end.  I see James Drury nearly every day.  Used to/still do, like the old westerns, prefer color, but watch Lucas and Mark nearly every day.  Fell for Billy first because he looked like Steve McQueen, only was taller.  

[KarenK]

I can't stand b/w. Too spoiled. I was raised on Westerns and "Perry Mason". Another actor that I loved was Ben Johnson, a true cowboy.

[Gwenivere]

Plan on talking to Dee today.   This IS getting out of hand.  The home test was negative after 8 days after exposure.
 

Ugh, taxes.  I haven’t heard anything from my CPA.  I’m assuming we will make the deadline.  She hasn’t called about any problems.  Has to be post marked by midnight on the 15th. 

I don’t like B&W shows either.  When we got our color TV I was maybe 11.  Back then you had to adjust t.  My mom drove us nuts-always tinkering with it.  My dad would tell her to knock it of.  He’d set it up and that was it.  Once you taste color, you don’t go back.  Unless you’re really 'old' and I certainly wasn’t at that age.  I can’t even fathom not being able to record something.  Haven’t got to streaming yet.

Another crummy day. Found out in counseling I have only 3 more sessions and Jinny is  done .  Had to move my last one a day early to get it.  She as me set up with a new counselor and filled in on my issues.  It’s a huge loss in my ilife..  We 'have been together since 2000.  I hope we stay in touch.  It would be a drastic  change. I feel we are  friends, but 5here was always a line.  You know how these are very calming people by sight and voice?  She is one.

Time to get ready for  the movie.  Then uncomfortable sleep.   Today 2 med people coming over.  Always messes up the day.  Facing a new patch Saturday.  I'e never done this before.  

 

 

 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Has to be post marked by midnight on the 15th. 

18th this year. 15th a weekend, 17th a holiday for the Feds I guess. Still haven't heard from tax person, it's been a month. Heading into 2-4 ft of snow this weekend and beyond. Upset they haven't called me. Who knows when I can get out again!

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Haven’t got to streaming yet.

Me neither, limited data so Hopper isn't set up with it, and router quit. So I live w/o it, like the olden days, I'm old.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Found out in counseling I have only 3 more sessions and Jinny is  done .  Had to move my last one a day early to get it.  She as me set up with a new counselor and filled in on my issues.  It’s a huge loss in my ilife..  We 'have been together since 2000.  I hope we stay in touch.  It would be a drastic  change. I feel we are  friends, but 5here was always a line.  You know how these are very calming people by sight and voice?  She is one.

This is big.  My heart goes out to you as you navigate through this challenge.  I wish her well with retirement, but do hope she stays in touch!

Good luck with the med. people AND the new patch!

[KarenK]

I have no clue about recording. Can't think of anything I need to record anyway. Most things I might miss can be watched later through "On Demand" feature.

Funny memory about TV. When I was 6 or 7, my aunt & uncle were among the few who had TV(fairly new gadget) in our tiny Texas town. I glued myself to it while my sweet aunt brought me food and drink all day. Apparently I was the only one who could stop the picture from rolling. Those TVs did that a lot.

Hope your new counselor turns out to be  someone you click with.

[Margm]

I saw the high antennae on our house from the school bus.  You could see it on the street when we turned.  (Again, this is out in the country, not heavily populated areas.)  It was 17 inch, of course and Ms. Nix lived across the street.  She would just come in, get a kitchen chair and sit so close no one else could see.  She was hypnotized.  No one could get her attention.  No one could see the TV.  We would say "Ms. Nix, Ms. Nix, Ms. Nix" and still no attention.  Later years when we wanted to get one of our attention when we were unaware, we would repeat "Ms. Nix, Ms. Nix, Ms. Nix."  Funny how you remember people who pass through your life briefly 70 years ago.  I think we started out with one channel, soon two, then three, finally the 4th.  Still B/W.  Terrible reception, very high antennae and a box that would slowly turn it to get better viewing.  And that was eye strain at best.  

[Gwenivere]

Yes, losing my counselor is huge.  No matte r how many notes she gets from Jinny, it’s not going to be close to what we built.  I don’t even know if I’ll like her!  
 

I record movies and TV series so I can watch them without waiting a week between.  Sounds like you have streaming, Karen.  I don’t have that as I don’t ave internet to my DVR.  I do remember TV's doing the rolling way back when.  I would think you'd need internet for the hopper too, Kay.  Who do you mean by them calling you?  Your tax people?

I was discharged by OT yesterday because of hurting my left arm overdoing the exercises.  If It gets better I can start up the program again.  I’m hoping that is the case.  .  
 

Nurse came by and didn’t really do anything I found helpful.  Rescheduled a missed Zoom meeting for next Friday instead of the nurse.  Week is filling up with appointments.  Dee just got me for April Fools saying a rat was in the kitchen.  Got me out of the reality funk for a couple of minutes.  I needed that.  
 

New pain patch today.  Grit my teeth and try to do it another week.  This is when I bailed last time.  💕 to all.

[kayc]

It's been a month since I faxed all my tax info to my tax person, who is in Springfield, over an hour from here. She STILL has not done my taxes! Getting nervous...I have two feet of snow about to hit and won't be able to drive down and sign papers now. I am very upset that she didn't listen about that and get on the stick.  Can't do anything about it, may have to file an extension if she keeps screwing around.

My hopper is not connected to my internet as I don't stream with my limited data.

Yes I remember the old days when our B/W tv would roll, you'd have to get up and hit it on top! That was in Eugene, we had an antennae on it, got a handful of local stations.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Dee just got me for April Fools saying a rat was in the kitchen.  Got me out of the reality funk for a couple of minutes.  I needed that.  

That is funny!  No one to do April Fool's with here.

Poured rain all night, two feet+ coming of snow starting today.  Looks like Sunday and Tues. will be the heaviest shoveling, ugh.

[Gwenivere]

I haven’t gotten my taxes yet. And I know I have to sign them.  Then have Dee mail them.  I know they are being worked  as they contacted d me with a question.  I’m sure they want to get them done so the y can ill me .  
 

I was reading about the upcoming plan for my pain control and not very pleased with it.  Sounds like the goal is no opiates which is continuing pain.  Build in*g up tolerance to opiates.  I don’t know what they do for people like me.  You can’t live like this for your life.  I don’t believe antidepressants can stop this like I read a blurb about.  If opiates poop out, what do you do? I knew a guy once who had to go thru total withdrawal.  Lost track of what happened to him.   I’m really scared.  Will have to press the pharmacist Monday.  This is eating me alive with worry.  I don’t know how I’ll get my Xanax back either.  

It's so much to process.  This i s my entire future.  I got to help  Steve with his.  He didn’t want to be the one left behind.  He always told me living without our love it wouldn’t be worth it.  He was so right.  You both are so caught up in managing the weight you see how heavy it is.  I'll never forget him asking if he could go.  How could I say no?  It’s the definition of love.  They are more important than yourself.  
 

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, have you thought about searching online for support groups for people with spinal problems? Just a thought....you mind find some suggestions from other patients.

[kayc]

I don't have any answers, I only know doctors have changed, they used to prescribe pain meds, now no more.  They're so worried about turning people into addicts, they neglect those with chronic pain.  If they can't fix the pain, why not prescribe the drug?  What are they worried about?

[Gwenivere]

I haven’t looked for a support group.  Good idea.  Thanks, Karen.  I can’t be. The only one so victimized by this surgery gone wrong.  I know the concern about addiction and that you become tolerant.  
 

I was in my former office, now Dee's room, and slid out of my desk chair. I’ll find out this morning how much damage I Dee has lots of clothes on it.  I told her a long time ago to move mine and hang hers.   At least I didn’t fall from standing.  and hang hers.   My computer came up, but I need to figure out how to use. It again as there are 2 mail accounts there I'm sure are flooded with stuff after almost 2 years.  I had called Direct TV for a question and forget to get my account number andI think it’s in  there.  Easier to call back, but I'd like to have my printer back.

I managed to.anger Dee again by how I did/did not react to all the work she did hanging up her clothes.  Led into how i've never wanted her here, she can’t move anything (tho she has all her personal stuff in the shower,  the extra bathroom and bedside table).  She went for a walk and I think drank.   I didn’t want to escalate things so I’ll confront her this morning.   It’s a community center day and I have a call from the pain clinic pharmacist.  Narrow window.   As always, everything is my fault.

Talked to Nina yesterday our usual half hour.  Church dinner was really good with brisket and pulled pork.   Always healthiest meal of the week.  Time to brace for a rapidly filling up week f med stuff.  Plus (housecleaning, and. Exterminator.  Get a little time to play some  games before bed.     Z. ZZlzzzzzz…….

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Church dinner was really good with brisket and pulled pork.

OMG, sounds wonderful!

My friend Iris and I went in on some Omaha Steak meats, very small package, my 1/2, $75, not worth it in my estimation but a treat for now and then.  Still have old venison to get through...yet this was like 1/3 price, wow they're high!  I never buy those cuts. Can do with cheaper cuts.

[Margm]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I can’t be. The only one so victimized by this surgery gone wrong.  

The reason Billy waited so long for his back surgery was because of the number of back surgery patients that were confined to the "pain clinic" after the surgery.  He hurt from his 30's until he passed away probably 40 years later.  He was afraid of the surgery.  Then we found out about the "new" surgery that would only have him in the hospital for a day or two.  We were at the "specialists" when they found his brain aneurysm.  Said it was "old."  They were the specialists, so we went from there.  Then everything else was found.  I used to type the pain clinics and the majority were from back surgeries.  They all know.  They just cannot give the narcotics needed to help the pain.  The first one to go to was methadone.  But then, you had to get off the methadone.  Just like they are getting rid of the women's "morning after" pill, they try to stop the addiction that is the only cure for the pain.  Scott was shot in the leg, femoral artery.  We nearly lost him.  Took so many units of blood to save his life.  Then they tried a nerve transposition graft.  They wanted to remove his leg.  He broke his ankle so many times and could not feel it.  He took street drugs.  When he finally got off them the VA fitted him with a brace from brace shoe to his knee.  He has drop foot without it.  He has to have it to walk.  The nerve surgery left him with nerve pain and when he sat down he would massage his foot to his knee.  I told him to ask for Neurontin, it worked.  But he cannot quit taking it.  VA fixes a new brace and shoe as he needs it.  I'm so sorry about your back pain and wish you could find a pain doctor to help with mobility.  Sometimes you get a winner, but nine times out of ten, you won't.  As big as Seattle is, it does seem there would be one winner.  I'm sorry you have not found him/her yet.  I am considering finding a group chat for the essential tremor.  I cannot take the medicine that did help and I am too old for any surgery.  It is not painful, but cannot do anything that requires finger dexterity.  i can still type, if I go back and correct the errors.  Sometimes I don't bother. (but it is not painful).  

[KarenK]

My doctor's office called and he wants to see me asap about my CT. Not what I was expecting. Unfortunately, asap isn't until next Monday(first available appointment). Gives me a whole week to worry which doesn't change a thing.

[Margm]

I had to go every six weeks after my cancer treatments stopped.  I sat on pins and needles and the anxiety was terrible.  I finally asked why it took so long to call with results and they said "if they are normal, we don't call."  I still kept calling.  

Karen, I'm sorry for the anxiety it causes you.  I know it is hard to get your mind off it, and sometimes it seems like you dare not ask questions.  

 

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

Gives me a whole week to worry which doesn't change a thing.

I HATE when they do that.  CT's are instant, not like bloodwork.  Even those are fast these days.  Did you have the scan yesterday morning?  I'm sorry, but I don’t remember what the scan is for.  
 

 Found out Dee was acting crazy the other night because she took too many of her nerve pain meds.  I now dole them out.  I know the name which sounds familiar so need to read up on it.

Exterminator found no active rat activity under the house.  Just in the outside  feeding stations.  Going to cancel it.  I don’t want to attract them here.  
 

Shower today.  Want to get it over with.  More phone calls have been created by more complications.  Story of my life!  Fall didn’t seem to make things worse.  Grateful for that.  💕

[KarenK]

Gwen, glad the fall didn't have any adverse effects.

I had the CT a week ago. It was of my head. Doctor is looking for the cause of my double vision. I can only assume something bad was found as he wants to "discuss" the results. They have always given me other test results over the phone.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Margm said:

cannot do anything that requires finger dexterity.  i can still type, if I go back and correct the errors. 

Sounds like me, add in loss of strength and continual pain. 10% strength but I got 7" snow since 4 pm and have to make it go away...will have more by then. Was the weatherman off!  He should have looked outside. I had the surgery in my right hand, it made it way worse, I have pain now I never had before.

 

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

My doctor's office called and he wants to see me asap about my CT.

Drives you nuts wondering.