My Sanity Needed Vents

[Gwenivere]

 Everyone’s state and county finds ways to complicate things.  Not having Mel here has spared me that but mot being deeply separated.  That issue Unless your dog is a hunter, the chance of getting it is so low.  There are vermin outside but they become scarce when dogs are around.  They don’t want to deal with them.  I’m glad Marley is feeling better and do what you are doing.  The vets have to comply with the state requires the vaccine.  No way out there.

Despite the overwhelming pain, it felt good getting a shower.  I found out there is no side to go to sleep on or wake up on anymore.  Philomena (bath aide and good friend) took a picture o me with my hair down and I saw caved in I've become.  I’ve seen it in the mirror, but seeing a picture was .quite shocking.  The surgeon gave me referral for a 2nd opinion if I want one.  He was honest that it wouldn’t help me improve.  The goal is to find does lie with the lowest amount of pain.  Also to accept if.

OT coming out today.  I have to show I'm making progress or they will canceled by my insurance..  I don’t want to use their bath aide so I have to use another service they provide.  I know L'll fail PT, so it’s the nurse and pharmacist.  Have to use two.

Another night, another morning.  

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

 Got a software error posting last night.  No new postings here but need to check other threads.  Seems the place has gotten into a very quiet time.  I don’t know if some recent members are still here.  
 

OT was out yesterday ad we couldn’t do anything because I overdid and hurt myself on t(e arm exercises  over a week ago.  Won’t see him again until a week from this Friday.  Contacted PT for some possible other sitting exercises .  Don’t know when that will be.  Meanwhile it’s just worse pain, even sleeping now.   

Things are tense between Dee and I.  She’s a very judgmental person.  Watching the news  she  comments on what I say like I'm shallow or wrong . She thought the restriction on talk of gay issues not enough to me because I I said' 'oh no' hearing Dick Van Dyke was hurt in an accident.  Yet she can say anything she wants. I don’t comment on her choices.  I agree about Florida, but I don’t have a burning anger about it.  She filled m med boxes and was on me for not doing the insane taper my shrink wanted.  If I did i'd be non functional.  Then gets angry when I move the opiates around for a day because of it’s size, they don’t cut equally, to be is most effective for. what I have to do.  I don’t expect her to be me and don’t know why I don’t get the same respect in return.  She always says that’s the most important to her.  
 

Today is the nurse and counseling’.  I’m hoping to lose the hip patch.  I never know what to say in counseling anymore.  I’m too overwhelmed o all 'm supposed to be doing.  One or two would be tough, I count about five.  I think that’s why the thought of getting up makes me so hopeless.  

Grey, drizzly days are back.  Very fitting.
 

 

[KarenK]

It appeared that the server for the forum went down for a while. I've seen that happen on various websites. In addition, it has been very quiet here. I hope it means our friends are doing well.

I mostly pay attention to the local news so hadn't read about Van Dyke's accident. I'm confused. What does he have to do with gay issues? Also have no idea what is going on in Florida. Guess I need to expand my horizons.

Is your pain worse because of the Oxy taper off? Is the patch not working?

[kayc]

IDK, they were talking about Spring break and police saying they don't want them if there'll be more problems, something to that effect.  I avoid such gatherings like the plague!  I don't imagine any area wants trouble!

Hadn't heard about Dick Van Dyke...

I try not to watch the news but do skim it in written form.  Curious about whether or not Trump will be indicted, personally I doubt it, he seems to get away with whatever he does, but we'll see.  It won't change whether he runs or his backers, so I don't see what difference it makes.  What a mess the news is!  From what I have known of issues reported, they've been off about those so who knows what you can believe of the rest.  The media hype about Erythritol is way off if you look at the studies, guess they didn't bother with that, just took off and ran, repeat, repeat.

I came here yesterday, nothing was new, like it was ghosted!  

[Margm]

Politics scare me.  My FB is taken up with lost animals.  A lot are kin to the fighting dogs and you wonder if someone stole them for training purposes.  Not good to think people would do that, but when we consider the way they capture people for trade, it seems a scary world out there.  So many homeless.  I worry about my grandson, but that is one worry that we can do nothing about.  My sister, so much time spent worrying.  I sometimes sleep till 1:00 p.m. (I get up earlier, but go back to sleep.)  Seems like the only time I don't worry.  I have found most of my friends are doing the same.  We go out if we have to but rush home to the safety of "behind the door."  One friend/kin younger than me is afraid to go out and admits it.  She has groceries delivered.  She was an only child, she had two children one in the east, one in the west.  So she is alone except for church friends.  My sister calls her home an institution and the people living there inmates.  I am glad we have government programs that help.  She calls me telling me they are cutting down on food stamps and something else.  I told her to talk to the manager of her apartments, and sure enough she helped her.  I do what I can.  Cigarettes are very expensive, you will be thrown out if you smoke in your apartment (and she has), but hates to smoke with the other inmates. I think smoking is a pain reliever or anxiety relief.  

See, one reason I don't write as much.  Nothing I can do about anything.  

[kayc]

I'm registered an Independent for good reason, I don't think it's anyone's business how I vote/d, my family is divided on politics and my daughter is registered an Independent, I though that was funny when I found out, it's so like her!  I thought it's good enough for her, it's good enough for me too.

51 minutes ago, Margm said:

Nothing I can do about anything.  

Hey, that's true for most of us, Marg, you have good company!

[Margm]

I'm independent too.  Didn't know the difference in all the name calling.  One "conservative' took to watching what I posted.  He was the administrator of my home town site.  I noticed when I mentioned I missed my aunt (deceased) from a post of her class reunion that it was not posted.  He directly told me he was a "Conservative Republican" and he was wary of my "liberal" views.  So, I found out I must be "liberal" and resigned from that site.  Heck, I thought my feelings of wanting everyone to have enough food and shelter leaned on "socialist" views, but I learn something every day.  I wanted to tell him in high school he was only thought of as a "nerd."  And he was.  "Judge not that ye be not judged."  So, I've broke the rules here too, I talked politics and religion both, which are in such a mishmash only God can sort them out.  Man can't.  

 

[KarenK]

I have no idea why but I get emails from "Home Again" which posts about lost pets. Not that I mind but I'm no help in spotting one, rarely leaving the house and unable to see more than 10 feet.

I stay out of religion and politics. Life is complicated enough already.

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, KarenK said:

What does he have to do with gay issues? Also have no idea what is going on in Florida. Guess I need to expand my horizons.

Is your pain worse because of the Oxy taper off? Is the patch not working?

No,  Flo rid a said said schools couldn’t talk about gay issues.  Dykes  accident was a totally different story.  Dee was saying I was being shallow not being as upset about what she was. Maybe I would be if I lived there and had anything o do with high schools.  I don’t like what Florida is doing but I i'm not going to fret about it.  I don’t like being judged on my personal interests..  I don’t do that to others.  
 

I'm not wearing the patch right now.  I did a couple weeks ago with the wrong instructions.  Going to try again this weekend.  Very scared of it now.  Talk to pharmacist today who can replace the ones I wasted from inaccurate t instructions.
 

Nurse cancelled, rather never was scheduled.  A different one coming today in a 2 hour window.  I like firm times.  Have another doctor that keeps being scheduled and rescheduled so I have no idea when we meet.  FTF or Zoom.  
 

Talk to the pharmacist today as well as a nurse coming by.  Have to have fear now of the patch discussed. Dee had o wake me up today.  Sleeping with the-radio alarm on again.  Off to it.  Watched a great old movie las night.  Witness.

Hope all had a good one. 💕

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Margm said:

I found out I must be "liberal"

This is another reason I'm "Independent," I hate the labeling.  I, too, care about people having food shelter.  I heard a bit of Biden's speech last night (just turned on tv, there it was) to know he does too.

12 hours ago, KarenK said:

I stay out of religion and politics. Life is complicated enough already.

Smart woman.  You can put the Home Again emails in spam and your email should redirect them for you.  They tried to charge me after I had Kodie's chip installed last year, my vet told me it's not necessary to pay them after the initial time, they have my info and it's in the database, any vet can read it and access my address/phone.  Only if I move would I have to pay to update it.

19 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Watched a great old movie las night.  Witness.

Glad you found a good one!  We only had 1/2 hour cuddle time watching t.v. last night.  Long day with the storm rolled in.  Dreading today, I see a lot of snow came and it's only 2:30 am!

[KarenK]

Gwen, Dee needs to understand that you are not her clone and that Lincoln freed the slaves. You are your own person with your own interests and opinions. Don't let her push you around or degrade you.

[Margm]

Hate politics too, but to some it is a new religion or cult.  I watch the Encore Western channel.  It brings me back to my childhood, which I am again in.  (Second childhood).  We were innocent, not dumb, when we heard our mother say "children should be seen and not heard."  I'm in that position again.  Wish I was that innocent. 

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, Margm said:

Wish I was that innocent. 

That is what I miss too.  This getting older brings so much negative experience and feeling now.  If this is what being a grown up is, I don’t want to be one.  I’ve known I’ve been an adult for a long time.  It felt like a natural  state till so many things started going wrong and I don’t have my best friend anymore.  No one I can talk to about what life has thrown at me that used to be an us.  
 

Talked to the pharmacist.  Starting the patch again today.  Keep the same doses of oxycodone.  Sunday drop one.  Talk to her again Monday and decide on any further changes.  She did her best to calm my fear but understood.

Nurse came by and said I could stop the hip bandage.  Options for digestion issues.   None very appealing.  Adds more change on change. A body can only take so much.  I’m already sweating what to do about my anxiety meds now that my shrink now thinks I shouldn’t take them anymore even tho I was doing fine.  I have no idea how I’ll find another.  Another,'if it isn’t broken,, don’t fi fix it'.moment broken, but he has me under his thumb.  Don’t know how I'll find someone to unfix this.  So the disorder gets worse.

wated Elvis last night.  Almost 3 hours, way  too long.  We decided anything over 2 splits over 2 nights.

Off to seep.  Short game time.

[kayc]

13" of heavy wet sludge iin 18 hours, it was a lot of shoveling and the blower isn't easy to maneuver, nor does it begin to get it all like shoveling, so I used it at first and then did cleanup with shoveling. Also with two 50 ft cables it doesn't go up the driveway to the car and mailbox area, so had to do those by hand.  Now I see we have several more inches during the night, 3 am and still snowing hard, probably 1 1/2 ft altogether and Lord knows how much more will come.  Fell and hurt my back yesterday, I opened the car door and stood just inside it to reach up and get the snow on top of it, my foot slipped and down I went!  Luckily didn't injure anything but I am sore afterwards.

Yesterday was my son's birthday, I tried to call him but his phone was off.  I miss the days where people had landlines and you could reach them.  It's sad to think I've been replaced, but I have.

Gwen, I don't know the answer, everything requires your coming in to a doctor and barring your being able to do that...I wish you lived in Oakridge, here they would come to you, being so disabled.  My sister was so lucky I got her into my doctor's office.

[Gwenivere]

I’m sorry, Kay, but being in Oakridge would not be for me.  I am definitely city folk.  I can’t get out in it now, but I sure would if I could.  My place would drive you nuts.

As usual, weekends area challenge.  Everyday I pick out options to run in the TV background and it’s always the same old stuff.  
 

Today I drop a dose of oxycodone.  I’m choosing the one before dinner.  I sure hope this is doable.  I’m so tired. of feeling awful.  Sleeping was horrible Friday night.  All day was on edge.  Will soon find out today.

[kayc]

26" of snow thus far (5" more to shovel at daylight), they've been underpredicting.  I pray for a breather!

I am definitely country, not city at all.  No concrete, bright lights and noise!  I like nature, wildlife, trees, water.

Hoping the oxycodone does it for you!

[Margm]

We all are "something."  I prefer an apartment where they fix what breaks, has lights that come on at night if I go to car and neighbors that are satisfied leaving me alone, live their own lives, but would help me if I needed it.  We trade floods, earthquakes and snow storms for hot to cold weather that stirs up tornadoes.  (Really do not like those tornadoes) but everything has bloomed out and is beautiful, plenty of rain, but sunny days in between.  Supposed to be warm and it is already 67.  I think low 80's yesterday.  Guess no place perfect, but I'm retired all over, cooking, not much cleaning, I hate housework.  We never were "yard" people.  My mom was.  These apartments keep everything trimmed and easy.  I appreciate that at 80.  Home is no longer where the heart is, but it sure is my Kindle, the TV, and my bed.  I am in no mood to own a home anymore, no age to do that.  Everybody has their quirks.  

 

[KarenK]

I would love to live where Kay is, but I could not pick up a snow shovel, much less use it. My place is very old and run down. When Ron was here, everything was clean and neat despite it's age. Dust and dog hair live here permanently overlooking knee high weeds in the back yard. I could keep up with all of it until about 70, but no more and others who live here are not inclined to do so. If I had friends, I would be too embarrassed to invite them over. Overall, our weather is great without all the hardships so may of you have, just extremely hot in the summer. Don't love my life here, but at least I'm above the ground, not in it.

Going for my CT scan tomorrow. I'm sure there will be nothing there. Stubborn won't show on a scan.  lol  I'm sure it's my eyes causing the vision problem. I've discovered if I hold my head up normally, my vision is doubled. If I tilt it forward a bit, vision is okay. How crazy is that?

[Gwenivere]

I’m too old to be a homeowner too, but I lm.  No rent, but plenty of bills.  Fall on me to fix and hire out everything including yard work.  Advantageous is I can do anything I want.  Tho I can’t do much.  As I've said, being  a  prisoner here, there isn’t much I can do to live like most do.  Dropping anything on the floor, especially pills is a major thing if it goes under furniture.  Having tremors makes many things bigger challenges.  
 

Yesterday hasn’t ended yet, hours to go.  Dee is furious because I didn’t do something and I can’t find out what.  It’s so maddening to me she does that like I’m supposed to be a mind reader.  So I go back to what I’m doing and it makes her madder.  Don't want to explain more because it makes no sense.  Oh, now I hear it’s something else and I get the fallout.  Then it’s not me at all.

Getting close to bedtime.  Despite the pain, my only r refuge.  Thought that ht me this weekend was I'll never wear jeans anymore.  That’s sad to me.  I love d them.  Ve some that still have the tags on them.  
 

Long week ahead.  Hope all are well.  💕 to you all.

[kayc]

Oh Karen, I have the dust and doghair too and a garage (back rotting) built wood on dirt, if only he'd built it on cement blocks it would have saved a lot of trouble. Was quoted $2,500 to fix before pandemic, was waiting for summer, price went up 8 times meanwhile so have been waiting but it needs done, don't know what the price is now, not $2,500!  He told me I'd have to clean out the garage, I physically can't do it. Hoping the "missionaries" at his church can (LDS).  And my place, my craft room is full of dust, needs cleaned out, used this stuff over 30 years but my hands can no longer, now there's nowhere to donate.  Thousands of dollars worth of stuff...seems a shame.  So it sits.  Like the rest of my house, the echoes from the past where a family used to live...

But I know where every lightswitch is in the dark, have room for all my kitchen tools, shoes, clothes, etc.  Don't want an apt. where I hear people, no yard for Kodie and what of Panther?!  So I keep on here, somehow surviving.

Had a huge windstorm yesterday, widowmakers came down! Across the driveway, too heavy to move.  So many branches and I can't pick them up until the snow melts.  They're everywhere.

Today a respite from the snow.  Yesterday a scare with the snowblower, a cord got sucked into the blades (end of cord) and wedged tight, couldn't budge. Neighbor got it out for me, see what a little strength will do! Alas I have none.  Hooked it up and it works fine, so relieved.  I'd only used it 2 1/2 days!

30 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Dropping anything on the floor, especially pills is a major thing if it goes under furniture.

Went through this with my sister.  Learned to do a sweep for pills when bringing Kodie so he wouldn't get them, any one of them could be fatal for him! And she'd forget about them so I'd have to look.  One thing I can do is get down on the floor...getting up is another thing!

34 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Having tremors makes many things bigger challenges.  

Gwen, I hear you, my hands have started with the shakiness, definitely makes cooking a challenge.  Contributed to my bad burns on my hand.

35 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I'll never wear jeans anymore.

I am so sorry, I live in jeans (or leggings bedtime).  So hard.  I love my comfortable wardrobe. I rarely wear a dress anymore but have some beautiful ones, mostly in summer to church, that's it.  I live for comfort. Summer it's jean shorts.

I couldn't live with Dee.  I like my peace.  Someone would have to shoot me.  I shouldn't even joke like that, someone probably would!

 

[Margm]

[KarenK]

Good one Marg! I learned a long time ago that in the fight against dust, dust is winning.

[Margm]

Erma Bombeck always said it didn't need dusting unless you could write your name in it.  I keep junk scattered on all open places, no dust can get to a real table top, shelf or cabinet top, so I don't worry about it.  

 

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, Margm said:

Erma Bombeck always said it didn't need dusting unless you could write your name in it.  I keep junk scattered on all open places, no dust can get to a real table top, shelf or cabinet top, so I don't worry about it.  

 

That’s a clever way to get out of dusting, Marg.  We wipe things over as we pass them if they aren’t covered.  Neither of us likes clutter so  keep up with the major areas and save the little ones for the housekeeper.  Dee makes her bed and I used to.  Too painful to do now plus I’m only in there alone now.  It’s not the mess it used to be in a king size.  Her's is a twin.  So easy.  I slept in there often when Steve was having tough times with his cancer.

Found out Dee had been drinking again last night.  Several times which matched  when she was on me.  Said she was overcome missing Maria.  I told her stuff she didn’t remember and how foolish it made me feel apologizing for and unfair it always is.  Was exhausted from it and slept to less than an hour til the alarm.  
 

Talked to the pharmacist today and now I  face a shortage of patches since. I wasted 2 of them months ago.  Spent the afternoon trying to get that fixed but still in limbo.   I was told to put a higher dose one on next week but none were called in. Nor instructions.  I don’t want to go back on pills as I'm on my 4th day dropping one dose.  4 for a month that is wha I originally got.  2 weeks seems too fast.  I hate  they complicate things I finally figure out. The protocol is 4 weeks on this start.  I can very much feel the difference between the two.  The pills work better, but wear off quickly.  I need the time to adapt.  
 

Supposed to have a shower today.  Hope I  can tolerate it and the patch stays adhered.  I need luck and prayers.  💕  Thanks!

 

 

[kayc]

So the patch must be resistant?

Love it, Marg!